


Hope in Bits

by lollercakes



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Discussion of Abortion, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Growing Up, Hurt/Comfort, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:42:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 106,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24897142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lollercakes/pseuds/lollercakes
Summary: Jyn Erso wasn't prepared for this. She hadn't thought she would - hadn't expected - to end up pregnant, single, and still in college. Hell, she hadn't planned on even having kids ever, not after the childhood she'd just barely made it through. But here she was, knocked up and alone, finally faced with a situation she couldn't punch her way out of.Only, she wasn't really alone, not really. She just hadn't realized it yet.
Relationships: Cassian Andor/Jyn Erso
Comments: 363
Kudos: 301





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Throwing this out into the world even though I'm still in the process of writing it. Hopefully I'll be able to keep pushing it forward because I can't get the idea out of my head ;)

She was fucked. She was so, so very fucked. 

How - why - when had this happened? She'd been so careful, hadn't she? She was on the pill and she used protection and she'd been smart every single time, wasn't that enough?

She wants to puke. Though if she was being honest that was not unusual to her now and at least this time she understood why.

Jyn looks down at the little white stick with it's mocking little plus sign, her stomach turning as she tries to swallow back the bile. It doesn't work and despite the disgusting floor and the grime on the toilet seat she turns and expels whatever remained of her measly breakfast into the bowl before getting to her feet and wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. 

The knock on the door startles her, her fingers tightening around the sink as Cassian's voice calls through the door.

"Jyn, you okay in there? It's been like twenty minutes and there's a line…" He sounds concerned and it would have pissed her off if she didn't feel like bursting into tears. Goddamn hormones.

How the hell was she pregnant? How had this happened?

She was fucked.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.... Apparently ya'll are into this, so your reward comes early. I'm going to do what I can to try to keep this weekly, but we'll see how it goes when we actually catch up with what I've managed to write so far. Hopefully you'll enjoy what's in store as I venture down this *fingers crossed)* fluffy semi-angsty adventure!

She manages to hide it for almost a month before Bodhi calls her out for not coming to his birthday party. The night - he had assured - would have been full of drunken debauchery. She’d called to tell him she couldn’t come, still unsure in her state what she was planning to do and not wanting to explain to anyone why the "Keg-Stand Queen" was staying sober at her best friend's birthday bash.

She wasn't set on what she was going to do - if she was going to keep it, or if she was going to run to her nearest Planned Parenthood and deal with it - but she knew one thing for sure and that was that she wasn't going to be responsible for fucking this kid up if she made the wrong choice. She was a mess but she wasn't dumb and not drinking was one of the only ways she knew how to make the right choice for right now.

"Jyn, come on, everyone is coming! What am I supposed to tell them?" Bodhi groans into the phone as Jyn curls further into her comforter. She wouldn't leave this bed unless she had to, no matter what Bodhi tried to convince her to do. She was safe here - from other people, from herself. 

"Tell them I've got the flu," Jyn lies and forces a cough for good show. 

"Bullshit. I'm calling bullshit and I won't forget this, Jyn. My best friend - practically my _ sister _ \- isn't bothering to come celebrate with me and I am  _ hurt _ ."

"Just leave her alone, Bodes," Luke's voice sounds in the background, light and reassuring, the soothing balm to the wound she’s opened with this call. 

"I'm sorry. Let me take you to dinner this week to make up for it," she offers gently, her fingers tightening around her phone.

"But I thought you had the flu?" Bodhi snaps back, his voice harsh and still tied up in his betrayal.

"Bodhi…" She breathes, hoping he will understand one day. One day when she comes clean.

"Fine. But you're paying and the hot dog cart is not sufficient, okay?" 

"Okay. I'm sorry again. Just know that I love you, yeah?" He sighs and she can hear Luke saying something softly next to him, his voice too low to make out.

"Love you too. Luke told me I had to say it even though I'm still annoyed," he adds and Jyn knows he's lying, the smile finally evident in his voice.

"Night," she whispers and then hangs up, rolling onto her back and staring up at the ceiling. 

She hates lying to her friends. 

Cassian had been the first, after she'd found out in the public washroom of Lincoln Park. She'd come out of the bathroom with pale skin and tight lips and he'd tried to pry it from her, had tried to coerce her into telling him what was wrong, but she'd refused. She'd snapped when he wouldn't let it drop and he'd taken her verbal assault with the calm patience of someone who knew her too well. How was she supposed to tell him she'd fucked up? That she'd gotten knocked up by a one night stand? She could barely believe it herself and that made coming clean all the more difficult.

After Cassian though it had gotten marginally easier - nobody else pried quite like him and it made the vagueness of her answers that much more successful. Shara and Kes shrugged and let her odd answers go, Han had ignored her and Kay had told her that there was a 100% chance that he didn't care what was going on with why she was being weird. It'd only been Leia and Bodhi who'd pretended to let it go, if only to try to weasel the answer out of her a day or two later. They still hadn't won.

Hours pass as she lay prone in her bed, counting the tiles in her rundown dorm and trying to think of anything else but the thing growing inside of her. She couldn't quite explain it as anything but an alien at this point - a foreign being sucking the energy from her body and stealing all of her lifeforce like a parasite. 

None of her education had prepared her for this - growing up in a string of half-homes she'd always bounced around from school to school, barely passing her courses and not once enrolling in high school biology. Sure, she'd learned about protection and family planning - Mr Gerrera had ensured she'd learned about _ that _ because he swore he'd never foster a teen mom during the few years she’d spent with him while her dad was gone - but those conversations had always been about how to  _ not _ get pregnant. None of them had ever been about what to do if you'd fucked up the other steps. 

Wallowing had never been something she excelled at and she knew she needed to pull it together soon before she ran out of time. And so Jyn pushes herself from the warmth and safety of her bed and sits down at her desk, grabbing her pen and notebook and starting with what she knew. 

Campus had two clinics and the city had one Planned Parenthood. She could go to any of them for care but figuring out which services were at each and how much they cost would be critical. She also had to research timelines and how long she had to make her decision. Speaking of timelines, she probably should figure out when this had all happened -  _ who _ \- it had happened with. And maybe then she could figure out if she needed to finish the semester, or if she could drop out and get her money back. Maybe she could switch to part-time, or… 

She chastises herself for going down the 'keep' line of thinking before she's even figured out what she wants. 

"Pro / con" list is added to her notes and she rubs her face fitfully, her hands scraping into her hair and clutching at her temples. Just looking at the words on paper made her want to wretch. 

She couldn't do this. 

* * *

There's a knock at her door, a quick one-two rap that has her jolting up in bed and staring at the barrier like it was on fire.

"Jyn," the voice on the other side calls, his nails tip-tap-tapping on the metal. 

She debates pretending not to hear him, debates lying back down and falling back to sleep, but it's Cassian and she knows he won't give up faster than her patience and so she crawls out from her cocoon and opens the door to look at him. 

He's wobbly on his feet, yes, but he's also holding a small container and greets her with a quiet wave. 

"Bodhi said you were sick, so I brought you soup from the cantina," he whispers, the alcohol making him hyper aware of the after-hours visitor restrictions in her dorm. She says a small thanks to the stars for his presence of mind before stepping aside and letting him pass.

He hovers near the door to her bathroom, his hands cupping the container like it was a precious thing. It's then she notices the bleary look in his eyes, the ruddy cheeks and freshly swollen mouth stained with lipstick. It just figures he would find his way to her dorm after a night where he could have taken someone home. He always did seem to chicken out when the possibility was presented to him (which it did, a lot). 

If asked, Jyn wouldn’t lie about it. Cassian was beautiful - tall and well kept, thin but not lanky and somehow fit but not annoying about it like some of the other guys on campus. He spoke two languages and was smarter than most and every time Jyn tried to set him up with someone he found a way to fuck it up. She didn't understand it and she'd stopped trying to after her 'friend' Rima quit being her friend after Jyn had sent her on a blind date with him. Since then she'd tried not to think too hard into it, apart from giving up the notion that he was ever going to date someone who was good enough for him.

"How was the party?" Jyn asks softly, taking the soup and spoon from his hands and sitting down on the edge of her bed, her eyes watching as he wavers slightly on his feet. 

"It was good. Bodhi had a good time and Han and Leia got in a fight. Pretty standard stuff," he says with a shrug and makes to lean against the wall before his feet catch on one another and he stumbles. He catches himself quickly and shakes his head, embarrassed, before Jyn kicks her desk chair towards him. 

"I'm glad Bodhi had fun. I was sad not to go," she admits as he collapses onto the seat, watching her with keen eyes as she pops the lid and the smell of chicken noodle soup wafts up to her.

The smell is too pungent, too salty, and she's on her feet in an instant, shoving the container into Cassian's hands and ignoring how it splashes over the edge and onto her pyjamas. Stains on her old sweater are the least of her problems as she bursts into the bathroom and expels straight bile into the toilet. 

"What do you need?" Cassian asks from the doorway, concern etched on his face and breaking through all the earlier remnants of alcohol. 

Ashamed, worried, Jyn kicks the door closed and groans, her heart racing in her chest as she tries to settle her nerves. It takes another ten minutes of brushing her teeth and washing her face before she feels capable of facing him again. A small part of her even hopes he's left but that hope is dashed when she returns to the room and finds Cassian sleeping in her chair, his head on her desk next to her notebook. Her stomach does a flip before she remembers his state and that he's likely not even able to read at this point, let alone comprehend her chicken scratch short form. 

"Cassian, come lie down," she murmurs gently, her hand on his shoulder as he stirs at her voice.

"I can go. Just wanted to make sure you were okay," he says with a yawn, getting uneasily to his feet. 

"I don't like the idea of you wandering home alone like this. Sleep it off here for a bit and then you can go," she replies, only half lying. She worried about his drunk ass stumbling home, yes, but she could also do with a night with someone beside her, if only for a few hours.

"You sure?" He asks as she settles in close to the wall, careful to leave a comfortable distance between them. 

"I'm sure. Just turn off - " the room is plunged into darkness before she even finishes the thought, his shoes thumping onto the carpet before the mattress dips with his weight. He shifts until he’s comfortable, fluffing her pillow under his head and groaning softly as he stretches out his legs and curls his hands under his chin.

“Night Jyn,” he murmurs once he’s settled, his eyes closed and his warmth reaching out towards her under the blankets. 

Her body is tense next to his, her eyes closed forcefully as she tries to force sleep to come to her. Of course it takes Cassian first, his even breaths filling the air for a while as she goes over her list again in her head. She can’t stop thinking about what she’s going to do, what it means for her to take the easier path, or the path that’s more rocky. Neither option looks appealing but she needs to choose and she needs to choose soon - that much was clear from her warring thoughts. 

It's only later, after Cassian has shifted closer in his sleep to wrap an arm around her waist, that she finally finds some version of sleep as his warmth soothes the ache of uncertainty inside of her.

* * *

She wakes to Cassian’s body pressed against her, his lips at her ear and his chest tight against her back. She tries desperately to ignore the hardened length of him pressing into her rear or his leg tucked between hers, instead choosing to think about the callouses of his hands and how they feel wrapped around her fist, his thumb twitching on her wrist. 

If this were any other moment in any other time, she would have probably pulled away at the first realization. She would have put distance between herself and her friend, she would have tried to save face from the compromising state between them. But it wasn’t another moment in another time - it was now and she was lost and his arms around her seemed to be the only thing keeping her from falling apart as the hormones raged inside her body. And so she closes her eyes and tries to save this moment in her memory, locking the picture of belonging and comfort in her mind’s eye to draw on when everyone eventually abandoned her once she started to show. 

“ _ Mmm _ ,” Cassian sighs into her skin, his nose shifting against her neck until his lips have pressed a kiss behind her ear. She knows he’s dreaming, knows it’s just the mixed flurry of senseless images floating through his mind that makes him do it, but she can’t help the spark of her body in his close embrace, the way her insides tighten instinctively. 

She’s never had sex with Cassian. They’d slept together yes, platonically, many times, but she’s never welcomed him between her legs and he’s never pulled her into his lap and that was fine with her. They were friends who knew each other's faults, who held each other in high regard and she didn’t want to screw up what they had with the messy complications of a quick fuck. Especially if it meant she had to go back to life before Cassian, before his warmth at her back could be something she relied on when things felt out of control. Sure, sometimes she woke up like this and she thought about changing it - had even pictured herself sliding a hand down to guide him inside her - but she’d never made the move because she knew it was too risky, too crazy to even broach between them. 

It would be insanity now to change that, absolute madness to add the destruction of her friendship with him to the list of things that she needed to fix, and so she gives herself another minute of enjoying the press of him around her before she exhales and stretches her legs, just enough movement to break the embrace. 

Except this time, in his hungover comatose state, he only grumbles under his breath and tightens his arms around her, his hand dropping from her hand to her belly and splaying possessively across it. She tries not to panic, tries to remember that there was no way he could understand what he was doing and the implications of his gesture, but her stomach turns with the anxious thoughts and she scrambles to her knees and off of the bed like it was lava. 

“Jyn?” He questions, his body sitting up in sleepy-shock and his hair askew like a fallen prince. 

She doesn’t say a thing as she bolts into the bathroom, shutting the door with a snap and slapping on the faucet for some noise to block out her sounds. She thinks she’s going to be sick and kneels in front of the toilet, her hair falling around her face. Nothing comes except a wave of tears, the feeling burning her eyes as she tries to stop them from falling with every semblance of control she has. 

Cassian knocks on the door after a moment, unspeaking, and she tries to hold it together, tries to smother the sob she wants to let loose for fear of him hearing her. 

“Can I get you something? Ginger ale or crackers? Anything?” He asks through the wood, just loud enough for her to hear the concern in his voice. 

“No. I’m okay,” she lies and it’s bitter on her tongue. 

“Jyn - " he pauses and she can just picture his face tightening in frustration, his brow furrowing as he tries to put the puzzle pieces together. “I know you’re not well and that sucks, but you’ve gotta let me help. You’re only gonna make yourself sicker if you don’t take care of yourself.” 

“I’m fine,” she attempts to console. It must be pathetic sounding because immediately after she says it Cassian opens the door and crouches down beside her, his fingers gently brushing the hair back from her face. 

“No, you’re not,” he says quietly, not pushing but not letting her off the hook either. “I’m going to go get you something to make you feel better, alright? I’ll be back in half an hour.” 

“You don’t - Cassian, I’m not your ward or one of your students to look after anymore. I don’t need you to take care of me like I’m an invalid.” 

“I know. But you’re my friend and this is what I do for my friends so let me do it,” he assures as his gaze rakes over her face. She feels the burn of his eyes on her cheeks, where her traitorous tears had escaped moments earlier, before his thumb lifts and brushes the wet streaks away. “Where are your hair ties?” He asks abruptly, standing up and turning to her counter where a mess of toiletries and makeup is sprawled across the surface. 

“Why?” She counters sharply, her brow tightening as she looks up at him. He scans the space for a moment longer before making a celebratory noise, grabbing one of the bands from the counter and stepping behind her to sink to another crouch. 

“It’s gross when you get puke in your hair and since I need to go get you some magic medicine, you’re at least going to have your hair tied back until I can get back here and hold it for you. Don’t - “ he slaps her hand away as she reaches up to take the hair tie from him, his fingers already running against her scalp. “Let me do this, okay?” 

She sits silently, part of her trying not to chastise him and part of her trying to shut down the flutter of wings in her belly at the feel of his fingers in her hair. Jyn briefly wonders how he learned to braid, this man who had so many hidden talents, as he quickly forms a french braid from the crown of her head down to her shoulders. 

“There, now I won’t have to run you through the shower when I get back. Make sure to keep it in the bowl and we’ll be all set, okay?” He says after a moment, standing up and stepping around her once again. He disappears into the room and she can hear him collecting his things from the desk, struggling to put on his shoes as he stumbles into her desk chair. There’s a drawn out moment of silence where she’s not sure what he’s doing but then he’s back at the door again, his concerned gaze on her. He opens his mouth to say something and then swallows, his jaw tightening before he eases his face into a relaxed expression. “I’ll be back soon. Don’t die.” 

When he closes the door behind him with a soft click, Jyn swears she’s been caught.


	3. Chapter 3

She’s able to keep up the charade of illness for another week, sticking close to her dorm except to venture to class in baggy clothes and some semblance of half-life that keeps curious onlookers at bay. 

“You sure you’re up to this?” Bodhi asks as he hovers in the doorway of Jyn’s dorm, his hands fiddling anxiously with his shirt hem in a way that screamed Bodhi’s nervous energy. “We can reschedule - like, go another time or something. I don’t want you to feel like you have to go if you’re still not feeling well - “ 

“It’s fine. I’m fine. Dinner will be good,” she says with forced brightness. Though she had been feeling like the morning sickness was starting to slow, Jyn couldn’t help but feel the press of time in the back of her mind more with every day. If the morning sickness was disappearing, certainly that meant that she was changing stages, right? 

She really needed to start looking this shit up. Maybe tomorrow she could finally force herself out of bed and to the clinic. Maybe tomorrow she could get her act together and finally stop pussy-footing around this. 

It’s just - she still didn’t know what she wanted to do. Not really anyways. And to say the whole thing wasn’t a terrifying mess of overwhelming information and decisions would be a blatant lie. 

“ - it’s just, you’re so pale and you look like shit,” Bodhi breaks back into her thoughts, causing her to look up at him with a wounded look. 

“Thanks for the positive reinforcement,” she grumbles and pulls the sweater over her head with more force than necessary. “Bodes, if you really don’t want to go, just say so. I’ll gladly spend the next few hours in the silence of my room with some Netflix.” 

“What if we just ordered like, the fancy type of food and hung out here? That would be good, right?” Bodhi offers with a high-pitched hope. “We could get sushi - you know, from that place with the - “ 

“No,” Jyn barks, her nails digging into her palms as she tries to keep her head. Raw fish was bad, right? Stars, why hadn’t she picked up a damn book already? More importantly, why did she  _ care _ ? 

“Alright. No sushi then. Indian? Some papadums and a couple curries?” Her mouth waters at the suggestion and she briskly nods, finally pulling a smile from her friend’s lips as he pushes his fist into the air in silent celebration. 

They settle on fifty bucks worth of Indian food, the platter much more than they could possibly need but wide enough to give them a taste of almost everything. When the food arrives they move to the common room and pretend like they’re at a real restaurant, spreading Jyn’s battered dishes across one of the tables and even setting out paper napkins like they were perfect white cotton shapes of the highest regard. 

Opening the first containers, Jyn braces herself for the wave of nausea that is bound to hit her, the pungent odors of the food likely to kick up a flip-flop reaction in her stomach. But it doesn’t. She opens the vegetable curry first and when nothing in her brain causes her to rush to the bathroom in response, she slowly works to open the rest of the containers with quiet surprise. 

Together they dive into the food like they were starved. In Jyn’s case it was practically true after weeks of barely keeping anything down, but she didn’t want to mention that as Bodhi shared every single detail of the night of his party. That he could remember, at least. 

“And then Cassian - fucking Cassian - gets dragged down the hall by one of Chewie’s friends and Jyn, you need to picture her. She was like six feet tall, basically some Scandanavian ideal model who was way out of his league but  _ she _ pulled  _ him _ into Han’s bedroom like they were going to hook up in the guy’s bed and Cassian is trying to get out of it but this girl must have been horny or insistent because eventually he just  _ gives up _ and follows her. Kay got up at one point and tried to even intervene but you know Kay - not a chance in hell he's negotiating a successful ceasefire there. It was nuts,” he adds and then proceeds to stuff his mouth. 

This was the part where Jyn would typically rant about the double-standards for men and how Bodhi was only calling out the girl because it was  _ Cassian _ the woman had picked that night, but the fight just wasn’t in her today. Her energy was sapped and truly, she didn't want to get her back up about something that clearly hadn't been a success story in the end. It wasn't worth it. Especially not after how nice Cassian had been that same night, she reminded herself, showing up at her dorm and spending the morning with her like she wasn’t a mess of a human. No. Today everyone got a free pass from her ranting and that meant so did Bodhi and the girl.

She tries not to notice his furrowed brow at the change in her reaction before ducking her head back to continue eating. The rest of the dinner is spent recounting Luke's internship and Bodhi's coursework, the conversation just the level of dull she needs to keep her focus on the room rather than on her world crumbling around her. It's a small grace but she'll take it. Anything really to keep her mind off of what was happening inside of her.

After they’ve cleaned up the table and packed the leftover food into Jyn’s mini-fridge, they settle onto her bed and start up a nineties action flick before leaning into their true purpose for the evening: shared mockery of the acting, the plots, and the poorly aged technology that was almost painful to watch. For an almost blissful two hours, Jyn is consumed by the film and her friend's banter, her head thankfully free of the worries and the fears hovering under the surface. When the movie wraps up though, Bodhi is slow to get to his feet, complaining of a food baby in his gut as he works to pull his shoes on. 

“Stop, it’s not a baby,” she snaps and the humour of what she’s said is not lost on her as reality comes crashing back to her.

“I know, I know," he responds quickly, raising his hands in defence. "Look, this was fun. Thank you for a good birthday, even if it means you didn’t get to see Han throw a hissy fit and kick Cassian out of his apartment. It was still good. You’ll text me if you need anything, right?” He adds, pausing with his hand on the doorknob as he looks back at her. 

“Sure,” she answers despite the lump in her throat, the nerves of her situation sensitive to any prodding. How was she going to tell him? How was she going to tell her friend that she needed to leave school, give up her programming career and be a single mom? The truth of it came back to her like a wound reopening.

Was she doing this? 

Stars, it really had started to seem like she was.  _ Fuck _ .

* * *

Shara Bey is the first one to find out and it’s purely by coincidence that she does. 

Jyn decides to go to the Planned Parenthood in the city because it’s off campus and she figures she won’t run into anyone there by mistake. She’s wrong. Painfully wrong because it’s Shara’s day to volunteer at the centre and help women get through the mob of angry protestors by meeting them on the sidewalk and offering them a hand to hold and a steady voice through the cacophony of shouting and vitriol that spews from the crowd. 

“Jyn? Are you… Coming in?” Shara asks over the din, her expression coloured with confusion and surprise. 

“Yes. It’s fine. I can get through without you,” Jyn replies evenly, looking at the crowd of people with a boiling anger in her gut. People seeking medical care didn't deserve this judgement, this punishment, and she was half prepared to punch her way through if it came down to it. Instead Shara sighs and takes her hand anyways, sidling up close to her and moving them both forward without asking. 

“I know you’re a big, tough woman Jyn, but sometimes it’s good to have a friend by your side with monsters like this in the world," she says calmly, diffusing Jyn's rage like sand on a fire.

“Thanks. It’s not - I mean, I’m not here because I’m getting - “

“It doesn’t matter to me why you’re here, okay? I’m here because I want to help people and I don’t think they should have to submit themselves to this  _ harassment _ in order to get medical attention. But free speech and all that garbage, I guess.” 

“Yeah, all that garbage,” Jyn echoes as they reach the door to the clinic. Her insides curdle as the security guard inside the clinic buzzes the first door and Jyn grabs for the handle, ready to disappear into the silence of the centre and leave the angry horde behind her. 

“Jyn wait,” Shara says, tugging gently on her hand to stop her. “Is Cassian coming to get you, after, I mean? I thought he would have - I mean, nevermind. Most women - you’ll probably need a lift home after, usually? Want me to call Kes?” 

Jyn’s face pales, her body going numb as she looks at her friend and tries to hear over the ringing in her ears. Was it all in her head or was it actually because of the mess of people outside, their shouting echoing off the tile?

“It’s not his,” Jyn murmurs, unable to confront the other assumption in Shara’s sentence. That she wasn’t keeping it. That she was getting rid of it. 

“It… Isn’t?” Shara stutters and her cheeks flame as she shuffles her feet. 

Jyn shakes her head and then disappears through the clinic door, avoiding the woman's curious gaze and likely further questions. She didn't want to think about Cassian, about whether he knew what was happening with her or not. She hadn't seen him since after the party when he'd come over and braided her hair. Since he'd possibly seen the notes on her desk. He'd still come back that morning after he'd left to get her more soup but she remembered vividly the pause as he stood in the doorway, the way his face had flickered with something she couldn't explain. She hadn't brought it up and when he'd texted her since, she'd made a point of taking too long to respond with her one word answers in hopes that it would give her room to breathe. The memory of the day puts her heart in her throat all the way through the double security doors and the metal detector, down the hall and into the reception area where she signs in and grabs her clipboard. 

The plastic chairs are uncomfortable, digging into her thighs as she hunches over the pages and tries to fill in the questions asked. Insurance? Only her student coverage. A timeline? She knew it had to have been sometime during Welcome Week when she was on that prescription. Maybe it was that engineer she’d gone to one of the parties with. Or the pre-med student who was lousy between the sheets? They’d used protection, hadn’t they? She knew that doubt was… Not good. At all. But she didn’t really feel like she was capable of taking that realization on with everything else happening right now. She needed to focus on this situation and getting more information so that maybe one day she could figure out how her life had just spun so completely out of control. 

“Erso, Jyn?” A woman calls from the hallway and Jyn gets shakily to her feet, her stomach flopping uneasily as she follows the woman down the hall and into a tiny exam room. “I’m Nurse Alomiri but you can call me Meena. I see from your paperwork you suspect you’re pregnant. Can you tell me what symptoms you’ve been experiencing and if you’ve taken any tests?” 

Jyn recalls everything that she’s experienced so far - the missed periods, the soreness in her breasts and the stomach issues. When she gets to the test she doesn’t miss the woman’s raised brow as she explains that she’d received a positive sign but had been unsure what she wanted to do with it. 

“I see. Well, lets run another check just to be sure and then we can go from there, alright?” Jyn nods and takes the offered cup, disappearing to the bathroom to pee in the tiny sample container. When she comes back to the room and the nurse is gone, she finds herself pacing the small space, her hand wrapped around the crystal necklace from her mother. She wished she was here right now, holding her hand and reminding her things would be okay. She wished she wasn’t so alone. 

“It seems your suspicions were correct. I’d like to do an ultrasound to confirm some things but before that I’d like to discuss whether you understand your options?” Jyn shrugs and picks at her fingers, her heels crossing and uncrossing nervously as the woman looks up at where she’s perched on the patient bed. “Well, we can do further testing if you’ve decided you would like to move forward with the pregnancy. From what you’ve shared, it seems likely that you’re in week seven or eight so you’ve still got a couple weeks to decide what you’d like to do. Your other options are, of course, an abortion which we can provide here either by pill or alternative methods anytime before the 20 week mark. Or, should you choose to have the child but prefer other options, I can connect you with some adoption networks so you can understand more of what that might entail.” 

“I don’t - my kid isn’t going into the system,” Jyn says harshly, the strength of her certainty making the nurse pause. 

If she was going to do this, she was going to keep it and she was going to take care of it and this kid would never once know what it was like to be unwanted, to be pushed aside or left without someone to love it. If she was going to have this kid, it was going to be hers and they were going to be a family. 

“Alright. I just wanted to be sure you were aware of the choices ahead of you. You don’t have to decide anything today - you can come back in a week, perhaps after discussing it with your partner or a friend. If you do choose to terminate you’ll need another appointment but we can book that when you’re ready - “ 

“I think - I mean,” Jyn pauses and closes her eyes, her heart racing as she tries to find the words. “I want to see it. Can we do the ultrasound?” Meena nods and gets to her feet, disappearing out the door and returning quickly with a machine on a cart. 

The whole process is setup and in motion before Jyn really even has time to think about it. With her shirt pushed up against her bra and cold gel on her belly, Meena locates the blob on the screen which is apparently the thing growing inside of her. It freaks her the fuck out to see it, there in real-time, but Jyn holds herself steady as she watches the image move and flicker. 

She knows as soon as her belly is wiped clean that she doesn’t have a choice. Not really. She couldn’t choose not to have it, no matter how hard that path forward would be. It was hers and it would be her family and she couldn’t lose any other pieces of her family, not when she had wanted one so desperately in all the years that she’d grown up alone, her mother gone and her father stolen from her. 

She was pregnant. She was going to have a baby and it was going to be hard and scary and she had to remind herself that being scared had never been something that stopped her before. 

“I think I want to keep it,” Jyn admits quietly to Meena, the woman’s hand wrapping around hers and offering silent support. 

“Whatever you choose, we’re here to support you Jyn,” Meena adds softly and then gets to her feet to grab packages of pamphlets from the cupboard in a small white bag. “Book an appointment for a week from now. Talk it over with your partner and we’ll see you then, alright?” 

Jyn tries not to snap that she had no partner, that it was just her and this thing growing in her, but she knows that the nurse was right. It took two to tango and if this had all been done the normal way then she probably would have been having a whole different conversation right now. But it wasn’t and so it’s just her and her white bag of pamphlets that makes another appointment at the front desk, her hand shaking as she signs the receipts and walks towards the door. 

Shara waits inside the security doors, her arms crossed over her chest as she leans against the wall. 

“You’re still here?” Jyn asks evenly, looking at her friend as she bounces forward. 

“Sure am, but my shift is over. Kes is outside waiting for us - I told him you decided to volunteer with me today and he made a crack about tough-Jyn scaring off all the protestors. Want me to put your bag in my purse until we’re in the car? That way the fiends outside don’t harass you for it?” Jyn hands the bag over and follows her friend out into the mass of bodies once more, down towards the curb where the car sits idling. 

The ride back to her dorm is quick and Shara keeps the conversation directed on her day, Kes’ attention rarely wavering to the odd appearance of Jyn in the backseat. When they arrive at her building, Shara follows Jyn out onto the sidewalk and hands her the pamphlets before pulling her in for a tight hug. 

“Look, I’m sorry about earlier - the Cassian quip. It was - I mean, it seemed like - whatever it doesn’t matter. I’m just sorry for assuming. If you ever need anything though, call me, okay? I’ll take this all to my grave, if you want me to,” she offers as she pulls back, her hands squeezing Jyn’s arms as she tries to convey with her touch how much she wanted to support her. 

“Thanks Shara. I’ll keep that in mind. Thank Kes for driving me and I’ll see you around.” Jyn disengages from Shara and then waves goodbye to Kes before heading towards the entrance to her dorm, not once looking back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Weeks are so short right now! I'm trying to knock out a new chapter before I post some of the backlog and it's slow going. Thanks everyone for following along so far!


	4. Chapter 4

Her college withdrawal paperwork is spread across her mattress when there’s a rustling at her door, the handle jiggling before there’s a click and her lock is flipped open. She’s on her feet in an instant, ready to pummel whoever has foolishly decided she was a target for an easy break in. When the man comes through the door she jerks her knee between his legs and mercilessly pushes him back into the hallway a moment before she realizes who it is. 

“Cassian,” she breathes sharply, her adrenaline pumping as she quickly kneels down beside him and touches his arm. 

“I was proving our bet,” he groans, his lungs heaving with the pain of her pointy knee to the groin. 

“Bet? What  _ bet _ , you idiot?” Jyn counters as another set of footsteps come out into the hallway. 

“Erso, what is he doing here at this hour?” Her Resident Assistant, Carla, scolds, her toe tapping in annoyance. 

“Sorry Carla. I’m still trying to figure that out,” she answers and tries to ignore the woman standing over her, instead turning her attention to where Cassian is slowly pulling his composure together again. 

“Well, find out quicker and send him on his way. Curfew is in half an hour and the girls on your floor have already made complaints about your late night rendezvous. I’d hate to have to file a report with the Director of Housing - “ 

“Sure, you’d definitely hate that,” Jyn bites sarcastically, grabbing Cassian’s hand and guiding him back to his feet. “Anyways. We’ll be quiet and he’ll be gone before curfew so nobody needs to report anything.” 

“Final warning, Jyn,” Carla hisses and turns on her heel, leaving Jyn to push Cassian through her doorway and into her room. 

“What are you doing here?” Jyn snaps when the door is closed, frustration edging into her voice as she looks at him. He smiles and shrugs, toeing off his shoes and stepping backwards until he can flop unceremoniously onto her bed. 

“Just visiting my friend Jyn. Obviously trying to get her kicked out of residence, you know, a normal Tuesday,” he answers listlessly, his hands grappling at the paperwork to move it out of his way. The sight of his roaming hands makes her heart leap into her throat, the realization that he was going to see what she was up to making her anxiety spike. 

She hadn’t planned to tell anyone she was leaving. She’d told herself that she would finish the semester and then disappear over winter break, making a clean getaway from the place she’d called home for almost four years. It was the only way she figured she could escape without them asking millions of questions and trying to convince her to stay, to end the pregnancy so she could graduate and make something of herself. They'd be well meaning about it, sure, but they'd still treat her like she was being a fool to keep it.

No, she didn’t want to face that trial. Running was the safer option, she had to believe, and so she’d started putting some of her scholarship money into a separate account and had visited the registrar for paperwork on how to quit without losing any of her current credits. The woman had tried to convince her to stay, had pulled up her grades and implored her to not give up just because it was midterm season, but Jyn had remained steadfast and taken the paperwork she offered, returning to her dorm to cry in the privacy of her room. 

“What’s all this?” Cassian asks, breaking into her thoughts as she practically leaps over him to grab the papers from his hands. 

“It’s paperwork for an internship,” she lies, clutching the documents to her chest as Cassian looks up at her with surprise. 

“What internship? I don’t remember those when I was in your year,” he counters and sits up, his arms propping him in a reclined lean. He looked so - so… Jyn didn’t want to entertain any thoughts that went down that path. It was already hard enough to look him in the eye without thinking the questionable thoughts that seemed to find her most often in her sleep. 

“It’s just one for the computer science department. It’s new,” she continues, digging her hole of mistruths, trying desperately to keep her head afloat with it as she tells lie after lie. 

“Right. Who’s it with?” Why couldn’t he just let it go? Why did he always need to go ten rounds with her? She was too tired for this tonight.

“Why does it matter, Cassian? Why are you here?” Jyn mutters on a sigh, exhaustion sparking a headache as she turns and shoves the papers into her bag, her fingers coming up to rub her temples as she looks back at him. Only when she stands up again he’s no longer perched on her bed, he’s nearly toe-to-toe with her, his hand pressed to her forehead. 

“Are you still sick? Have you seen the doctor yet?” He asks lowly, concern lacing his voice as his hands graze her cheeks before dropping away again. 

“It’s a bit better now,” she answers and steps around him to put some space between them. 

“Good. That’s partly why I’m here - the other part being that I missed you. It’s been like a week since we hung out and you haven’t come to any of the events Bodhi has dragged me to. I was starting to get worried you were rotting here in your dorm.” 

“Well that’s a lovely image I now have,” Jyn scoffs and rolls her eyes, distractedly closing her notebook and sliding the papers and pamphlets from the clinic under her laptop. She really needed to clean up in here if she was going to keep this a secret. Or, she just needed to get Cassian to stop coming around uninvited. She couldn't have him get close to it like last time, where he'd almost caught her red handed. If he didn't already know. Dammit. “Look, as pleased as I am that you decided to pop by, Carla was serious. She hates me and she’ll definitely try to get me evicted if you’re here past curfew.” 

“No she won’t. You know it, I know it. It’s not something RAs get to do so let’s just chill and watch something. You can tell me about your week and I’ll finish your internship forms for you so that you get in for sure - “ 

“Cassian - “

“ _ Jyn _ ,” he teases playfully, cutting her off and stepping towards her once more. She hates when he does this, the fuzzy feeling in her brain almost taking over as his scent makes her stupid. “Be my friend, Jyn, tell me all your secrets and I’ll tell you mine.” 

“One episode of The West Wing and then you’re gone,” she concedes, her finger poking into his chest as though she means business. Which she kinda does, but mostly does not. 

“Can it be  _ Isaac and Ishmael _ ?” He says with unnecessary brightness as he knows full well that it’s far from her favourite episode.

“Why don’t you ever pick  _ Noël _ ? Or  _ Posse Comitatus _ ?” Jyn counters as she pulls her laptop off of her desk to key up an episode. Behind her, Cassian has already tucked himself in the corner of her bed, the pillows currently being set up to make a comfortable lounge for them both. 

“Because those are sad episodes and I want something that makes me try to understand things every once in a while.” 

“Well, I’m the one whose room was broken into so I’m picking  _ Posse Comitatus _ and you can leave if you don’t want to watch it,” she adds, throwing him a challenging look over her shoulder. He sighs and shrugs, patting the bed next to him. 

“Whatever, you win tonight. Next time though it’s my choice, okay?” 

“Okay.” 

Jyn settles in beside him, leaning against the wall and trying to focus on anything but his proximity and the warmth that radiates from him. He watches with low commentary, his familiarity with the episode making the viewing more entertaining for her as he recalls weird facts he’s tucked away about the cast, about his love for Danny Concannon and his irrational distrust of flamingos which was spurred by CJ Craig's prominence throughout the show. 

It’s over midway through the episode when Jyn gets up and excuses herself to the washroom, her bladder near ready to burst as she shuts the door and relieves herself. Beyond the door she hears the shots from the show ring out, the low tones of Jeff Buckley’s  _ Hallelujah _ beginning to play as she steps back into the room and finds Cassian moved to the edge of her bed, his hands holding a piece of paper. 

“You’re leaving?” He asks lowly, the episode forgotten as his thumbs press against the crumpled edges of the sheet. 

“Did you go through my bag?” She snarls instead of answering, her chest aching with the pressure of his accusation. 

“No. This was under the blanket - when you got up it just - it popped out. When were you going to tell me you were leaving school? When - Jyn,  _ why _ are you leaving school?” He looks up at her with confusion in his brow, hurt hidden in the edges of his expression. 

“I wasn’t going to tell anyone. It would have - it made more sense to just - “ 

“More sense? To leave without telling your friends - your  _ family _ \- that you were leaving?” His voice rises an octave and Jyn nearly recoils, the truth hitting her as the music from the episode starts to rise with her own pain. 

“It didn’t - I just wanted to have a clean break and I couldn’t - “ She pauses, tears choking the back of her throat as she tries to push through them. Damn these hormones. Damn the thing in her uterus making her a traitor to herself. Damn this whole situation and the misery she had been hiding deep in the recesses of her mind as she tried to move forward. 

“Were you going to tell  _ me _ ?” Cassian asks as he sets the paper on the desk and rubs his face, turning to look at her with betrayal clear in his eyes. 

“No.” 

“You weren’t -  _ Jyn _ , me? You weren’t going to tell  _ me _ ? I thought - I thought we meant something to one another. How could you - how - you were going to leave me to worry about you? To drive myself insane with wondering where you’d disappeared to, if you were running for a reason. If you were dead. You were going to make me think you were dead, Jyn?” 

His words are broken, little shattered pieces of glass that lodge and cut her skin until she’s bleeding, tears escaping from the corners of her eyes as she realizes the full extent of what she’d planned to do. There was pain in his eyes, a brutal hurt that she'd put there and she hated it.

“It wasn’t like that,” she gasps, her hands clasping the crystal at her neck, begging it for strength. 

“Then tell me what the fuck it was like. Tell me why I’m supposed to keep caring about someone who was going to abandon me like I never even mattered to begin with.” 

“I didn’t think you would care after a few weeks. I thought you’d get over it. You’d move on and I could be gone and no longer anyone’s problem and - “ 

“You thought I would give up looking for you? How can you say that when you’re the closest thing I have to a home?” Somehow he’s risen to his feet and he’s towering over her, her body shaking with all of the things left unsaid between them. “Do you really not understand how I feel about you?” 

“We’re friends,” she replies weakly, panic flooding her at the expression in his eyes. He only shakes his head and rubs his face, chewing the inside of his cheek in the expression she recognizes as the first ripple of his anger peeking out past his wavering control. 

“Are we?” He grumbles, his eyes catching hers in the low light as the end credits for the show begin to play. She thinks it’s intolerably cruel that they’re so upbeat when she’s so broken down, so ready to give up as Cassian sighs and forces his mask back into place.

The words are there, on the tip of her tongue, begging for her to release them out into the air. 

_ I’m pregnant _ .  _ I’m knocked up. I’ve got an alien growing in me and I don’t know what to do _ .

All of her thoughts turn to jelly as Cassian steps infinitely closer, his heat brushing up against her. She wants to tell him. She wants him to leave. She doesn’t know what she wants, not really. She’s too confused and she’s not ready and this should have never happened and now she had to give up everything - 

“Don’t leave. Please don’t leave,” he begs lowly, his gaze cast towards the ceiling as though trying to hide the way his voice shakes. 

“I’m sorry,” she says because it’s all she can manage, her arms falling slack at her sides as he twists away and scrapes his hand over his face. He stands facing the window with a hand on his hip, the other covering his eyes as he forces his breathing to come under control. 

“I’m not - “ he starts, stops, turns back to face her with a look that makes her want to curl up and die. “I’m not just letting - I’m not - dammit. I know you don’t need my permission to go. I  _ know _ that. But I can’t have this conversation with you tonight. Not when it’s late and when I’m so - not tonight.” 

“It’s not - “ 

“No. We’re going to figure this out tomorrow when I’m - when we’re both better prepared to talk this through like rational humans. I just - can you promise me you will still be here tomorrow? That I won’t just show up and all your stuff will be gone?” He asks it almost pathetically, like his heart was begging for her to agree if only so that it could go on beating. 

“Semester doesn’t end for another few weeks,” she offers, her voice shaking as she tries not to collapse into a puddle on the floor. She wanted to disappear. She wanted to tell him.

“Promise me,” he presses and steps towards her once more, his hand lifting to her chin and tilting her face up to meet his gaze with her own. 

“I promise,” she answers softly and Cassian closes his eyes, swiping a thumb across her cheek before dropping his hand and stepping briskly around her. He pulls on his shoes and leaves the room faster than a bullet, disappearing out of her realm and seemingly taking all of the oxygen with him. 

Jyn collapses onto her bed and covers her face with her hands, forcing herself to breathe through the knot in her gut. Eventually her hand slips to her belly and presses, the small bulge that never used to be there making her close her eyes. 

She was  _ fucked _ . 

* * *

Cassian arrives at her door at nine in the morning, coffee and her favourite breakfast in hand, his eyes worried but a smile plastered on his face to show he was trying to be a good sport about everything. 

“Can I come in? I brought  _ Wilf’s _ ,” he asks brightly, his tone belying the tension in his frame and the nervous tick of his fingers as they grip the bag with whitened knuckles. 

Jyn opens the door wider and steps back, moving towards her desk and leaning against it with her arms crossed over her chest. The revelations of the night before - of the worry he had about her leaving - all of it had formed a hardened shell around her heart as she tried to figure out what she was going to do next. 

She couldn’t just leave him - not after everything they’d been through these past few years. All the ups and downs, the study nights that had gotten her through. Cassian had become one of her best friends, her confidant and the one person she could go to outside of Bodhi who wouldn’t judge her for being too harsh. He knew her, inside and out, and while she’d always wondered if her feelings for him were returned, she’d never dared press and break the balance that they’d struck. 

It’s just - how was she supposed to do this now? How could she tell him what was really going on without him insisting he knew what was best and pressuring her to make a choice she wasn’t prepared to make? Worse, what if he did something foolish? If he tried to tell her he had feelings, just to try to get her to stay? It'd been almost ready to fall out of his mouth, she was sure of it, and she couldn't take that on knowing that it was likely a ploy to convince her not to leave.

The possibilities had plagued her throughout the night and she’d woken bitter, nervous, and unwilling to be the first to give in to this madness. 

“This is yours,” he says, breaking into her thoughts as he stands in the entryway, his arm outstretched towards her with a coffee and bag in hand. She takes it and sets it on her desk, her gaze looking just over his shoulder as he shifts on his feet. “Did you already eat?” He questions, watching as she shakes her head. 

“No - I’m just not hungry right now,” she lies. She was starving, especially for something that was as delicious as the breakfast sandwich he’d brought, but she didn’t want to put anything in her mouth now that her nerves would probably make her toss up later. 

“Oh, okay.” Cassian scratches at his beard and looks to the ceiling, his teeth chewing on his lip. “Are you - can we talk now? Or is - “ 

“You’re already here. Might as well have this out now,” she says blithely, desperate to keep the emotion out of her voice. She wanted this to be done with. She wanted him to leave and never come back. She wanted him to hold her and never let go again. 

She didn’t know what she wanted and she was getting tired of the way it pulled at her like a tug of war. 

“Alright. Well, last night was a lot and I wanted to talk about it when we were both a little bit more prepared - “ 

“I wasn’t the one getting all worked up,” Jyn interjects sharply, her gaze sinking to the floor as she avoids him. Sure, she had some revelations of her own, but she had no intention of sharing them. Cassian sighs and moves to sit on the edge of her bed, his hands folded carefully in his lap. 

“I don’t believe that but that could just be me,” he answers softly, almost dejected, as she shifts uneasily. His toe kicks hers and when she looks at him he’s watching her with a curious look, his expression open and far from the stony negotiator she had expected from this conversation. “Will you sit with me?” 

She hesitates, looking away before giving in to his request and settling on the mattress next to him. Cassian shifts and presses his leg to hers, his hair falling in his eyes as he turns to look at her. 

“Why did you plan to leave without saying anything?" He pauses, sucking in a breath as his frame tenses. "Why are you leaving at all? I thought your grades were good so it can’t be because you’re failing…”

“It’s not,” she starts and then stops, losing her nerve as she swallows around the lump in her throat. 

“You can tell me what’s going on. It’s not going to change the fact that I’m going to support you, no matter what,” he says as he realizes she’s not going to continue on. His hand finds hers in her lap and he squeezes it gently, his forehead tilting down as he leans towards her. She wants to give in, to let him wrap himself around her and keep her from falling apart, but the possibility that what she needed to tell him would be too much was fresh in her mind and made her hesitate. 

“I wanted to have a new start,” she whispers in a half truth, her palm turning over as her fingers link with his. 

“Was it something that happened? Something that made you decide to leave?” She shakes her head at that, chewing her lip as he shifts closer. “Then why are you leaving? When you only have a semester left to at least get your degree? I spent the whole night trying to figure it out and none of it makes sense to me unless something happened - “ 

“Nothing happened,” she lies and it hurts to push the words past her lips, knowing they were damning her and any relationship she could have built with this man. So he didn't know, she realized, not with the way his brow was tight with worry, with the puzzle of the situation.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t believe you. There’s no way you just up and decide to leave school without finishing, not when you have a scholarship and you’ve worked so hard to be here. You’re too stubborn to just decide to leave.”

“I don’t want to talk about it then,” she sighs and withdraws her hands, getting to her feet and putting some distance between them if only so she could think without his closeness fogging up her mind. 

“Don’t do that. Don’t cop out when I’m trying to help you,” he snaps and gets to his feet, stepping towards her. 

“You can’t! Nothing you can do can fix this so it’s best if I just cut my losses while I can.” Cassian rolls his eyes as she tries to turn away, his hand reaching out to grab her shoulder and keep her facing him. “It’s better if you just move on. You don’t want to get tied up with someone like me.” 

“You’re forgetting that I already am. I have been for a long time.” 

“Well that’s too bad, isn’t it?” She grumbles and Cassian rubs his face, frustration clear in his posture. 

“You’re being ridiculous, you know that, right?” 

“I do,” she snaps and looks him square in the eye, her arms crossing over her chest to put up a barrier between them. He was too close, too insistent, and she couldn’t figure out how to get out from being cornered by him. She wanted to tell him but she also wanted to be left alone, to go through with her plan and not disappoint anyone in her escape. 

“Sometimes you’re such a coward. You try to hide it by being tough but I see right through it. You’re spooked by something and you're trying to pretend it's fine while at the same time you're trying to push us all away because you think we'll - “ 

“Cassian - “ She interjects, her anger bubbling as he continues his frustrated rambling. 

“ - Abandon you like all those assholes who looked after you when you were a kid. You’re so worried about the negative possibilities that you won’t even take the risk and stick around long enough to succeed - “ 

“I’m not chickening out!” Jyn shouts, loud enough to get his attention from where he’s stalking the room near her door, his hands on his hips. She knew everything he was saying wasn’t meant to be cruel, and that it really wasn't - it was just how he figured things out - but it still hurt her raw nerves to hear him accuse her of being weak. She wasn't weak - the lifetime of survival had made sure of that.

“It doesn’t sound like it to me! It’s sounds like you’re being - “ 

“I’m pregnant, you asshole!” 

Cassian stops dead in his tracks, his head snapping up to look at her with wide eyes and his mouth hanging open mid-sentence. He definitely hadn’t known. The look on his face would be priceless, if Jyn wasn’t so enraged by his ranting. Instead she bites her lip and covers her face with her hands, her breath heaving in her chest with the truth hanging in the air in front of her. 

“What?” His voice rattles with the syllable, almost choking on it. 

“I’m pregnant,” she repeats through her hands, unwilling to face him just yet. 

“Whose is it?” He asks, barely above a whisper. 

“Mine,” is all she can reply.

“No - who is the father?” His words crack and she finally looks at him with her broken expression, her hands spreading out and then clutching into fists. 

“I don’t know.”

The room is silent apart from her strangled breathing and her racing heart, the sound nearly blocking out everything else around her. She doesn’t know what she wants him to do about it, whether she wants him to stomp from her room or stay and talk it out with her - all she does know is that when he gathers her up against his chest, words nowhere to be found, she finally feels herself collapse with the release of everything she’s pent up since that day where the test came back positive. 

Cassian catches her as her knees give out, his arms tightening around her as he guides them down to the floor until she’s tucked in his lap. His fingers card through her hair and his chin rests against her temple, his body rocking slightly to soothe her as tears soak his shirt. 

She doesn’t know how long they sit there wrapped up in one another before she realizes that he’s singing to her, his low voice ghosting over Spanish phrases like a lullaby. She wished she could crawl into a world where this wasn't real. Where Cassian was free to sing these words to her and her child and it wasn't a question of who the father is, how she had fucked up or what she was going to do to fix her mistake. But that world was only a wish and reality was not as kind.

“I wasn’t going to tell anyone. I was going to just leave before I really started to show so that nobody would try to talk me out of having it,” she whispers against his chest, her hand resting over his heart. The beat of it is steady and she remembers then how calm he always was in a crisis, this man who was too smart for his own good and gave until he had nothing left to give. 

“You’ve decided then, to keep it I mean?” He asks softly, his voice rough. She can’t bear to meet his eyes, afraid of what she’ll see reflected back at her if she does. 

“I still have time to decide but I think… I don’t want to lose another part of my family.” 

“It’ll be hard,” he murmurs and she can feel him looking at her, waiting for her to meet him halfway. 

“I know,” she adds and slowly peeks up at him, surprise flooding through her at the sight of a smile on his lips. “Do you think I’m an idiot, for wanting it?” 

“No. Not at all,” he answers and lifts his fingers to drift along the side of her face. Her skin burns with the touch and she wishes they were more than just friends in that moment, his next words making her want for something she knew she couldn't have now. "You know I'm going to be here for you, right?” 

“Cassian - “ 

“Stop. I need you to understand that, okay? And if you don’t right now then I’ll have to prove it to you and that’s okay with me. But I need you to try not to push me away. I’m here - whatever you need, I’m in it with you and you’ll just have to get used to that.” 

“I can't ask you to do this. It’s not even yours - how can you pretend like it’s all normal and dandy?” She pushes, trying to get him to give up the illusion she was sure he was imagining. His words were too good to be true, too loving to be believed. 

“I don’t care about that. I care about you, you idiot,” he quips with a sigh, as though only now realizing that she wasn’t going to believe him, at least not for a long time. 

“Mockery from the guy sticking by his slutty - “ 

“Don’t,” he cuts in, the word unexpectedly harsh. “Don’t go down that path. It happened and you’re going to figure it out because you’re smart and you’re brave and you’re the most foolishly pig-headed woman I know. You’re not a slut. You’re just a girl who has chosen to take the path less travelled and if that has a baby at the end of it, well then you’ll just have to name it after me for being so supportive about it.” 

“Of course you’d be able to insult  _ and _ compliment me in the same sentence,” she scolds and shifts in his arms to draw back before he tightens his hold on her.

“Not just yet,” he mumbles into her neck and Jyn breathes a sigh of relief, not quite ready herself to return to life outside the bubble they’d created. 

When finally he eases his grip, Jyn smiles as she gets to her feet, reaching down a hand to help him up and staggering back as he bounces up towards her. 

“What happens now?” She asks as her fingers twist in his, her eyes searching for strength. For anything he would give her to help steady the world she felt shivering beneath her feet. 

“I’d still like to watch  _ Isaac and Ishmael _ , if you’ll put it on?” He answers to her unflattering snort, her head shaking as she turns away to grab her laptop and the breakfast he'd brought. This man was going to be the frustrating death of her. 

But he’d also probably be the one thing tethering her to the earth, if she’d let him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a day late - sorry! But I wanted to make sure I felt sure about this chapter and there were a couple things I wanted to lock in first but I've been having an insane week at work. Here's hoping you're having a better day than me!


	5. Chapter 5

“When do these have to be submitted?” Cassian asks from his seat beside her, his fingers flicking the edge of the withdrawal paperwork as his mask tightens in distaste. He was trying to hide his disapproval of her choice to withdraw, his attitude having shuttered a bit on the topic since her announcement. She knew he was trying to be supportive and she knew why he thought it was ridiculous for her to withdraw, but still the sight of his disagreement was hard to ignore. 

“Tuesday. I’ve got two more exams before then though so I’m focused on those first. Then I’ll finish and submit them,” she replies, keeping her head down as she tries to focus on her notes instead of the way he taps his fingers against the table. 

“What if… You didn’t?” She rolls her eyes and rubs her face in exasperation, finally looking up at him. She didn't want to have this conversation again, not when it inevitably left her feeling miserable and frustrated. “Look - Jyn, hear me out on this. You’re pushing yourself on these exams and you still haven’t told anyone you’re leaving. It doesn’t sound to me like you want to leave. Trust me, I’m good at recognizing this stuff, or at least my strategy professor would tell you I am. If you really planned to leave - if you weren't wavering like you are right now - you would have said fuck these exams and you’d be long gone from this but you  _ haven’t _ . And I don’t think you should. You’re so close to your degree and there’s no reason you should give it up just because of what’s happening - “ 

“I can’t stay,” she grumbles, turning back to her pages once again as she realizes his talking points haven’t changed. They'd done this before and they'd likely do it again before she eventually left.

“Why  _ not _ ? You keep saying you can’t but I don’t - “ 

“Because!” She interjects, snapping her head up to fix him with a deathly stare. He doesn't recoil, his lips only lifting in a subtle knowing smile.

“Because  _ why _ ?” He urges tightly, challenging her right back. It was times like this where Jyn both loved and hated this man, his willingness to stand toe-to-toe with her often driving them to arguments that beat down any of the awkward disagreements that they would come to about politics or religion or the world at large. They always came out the other side better for it but the process to get there often made her want to ring his neck. 

“How am I supposed to juggle classes? And getting ready for a kid? How do I walk around campus the size of a whale and show my face in classes where people don’t even like me? What am I supposed to tell people when they ask me who the father is? When they scold me for being unwed or here for the Marriage Degree?” 

“Easy - you let others, i.e. me and Bodhi and everyone help you get through all of your classes and commitments. And then when people give you shit for it you just give it right back and keep your head held high which, I recall, you already do. And finally, if you get shitty questions like that, just tell them it’s mine and we're waiting until graduation to get hitched,” he quips, almost like he’d been waiting for the question since he’d first found out. 

“I can’t do that,” she whispers, her voice faltering as she looks back at her notes for any way to get away from the path they were quickly heading down. She couldn’t add a fake relationship into her web of deceit, she’d never hear the end of it if the truth came out. Not from their friends or the men in her courses, their unforgiving opinions likely ready to drown her if they knew. 

“Can’t do what?” He presses, slowly getting to his feet and coming around the table to ease into the chair beside her. He keeps his elbows on the table but tucks his chin in his hand, watching as she shifts uncomfortably beside him. 

“I can’t tell them you’re the father. I’m not hanging this mistake on you, it wouldn’t be right,” she answers eventually, glancing up in time to see his smile falter slightly. Was it hurt that she saw flash in his expression? Or relief? 

“Okay. I get that. But the other stuff, it’s doable, no? Let’s tell the others and they’ll support you. You can finish next semester and graduate with your class so that when the kid comes you aren’t starting over from scratch. Let us help you. We’re your family - we’ll help, I’m sure of it.” 

“Shara already knows. Do I really need to tell the rest of them?” 

“How does Shara know? Why did she get to find out before me?” He questions, feigning hurt as she shakes her head. 

“She was volunteering at the clinic. Caught me going in to get it confirmed when I finally got up the courage. Speaking of, I have another follow-up appointment tomorrow during Leia’s study brunch. Can you cover for me?” She couldn’t tell him about Shara’s assumption - that it had been  _ his _ \- that would be too much for right now, not with his earlier suggestion, but she could get him to lie for her if she played her cards right. In response, Cassin shifts upward, his brows lifting in surprise. 

“You’re going alone?” He counters, concern flickering in his gaze. 

“Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I?” She knows as soon as she’s said it what his response will be, her chest tightening with the possibility. Dammit. She should have avoided this.

“Because you have me on your side now. I’ll come with you - “ 

“No. You have to go to the brunch and cover for me - “ 

“Jyn, that’s ridiculous. Let’s tell Bodhi and he can cover for - “ 

“Tell Bodhi what?” The man in question interrupts, coming up behind them with his hand gripping his shoulder bag, his head cocked to the side. “What are you two bickering about now?” 

“We’re skipping brunch tomorrow. Can you get Luke to talk to his sister? Tell her we’re swamped in our exams?” Cassian answers quickly as Jyn punches his arm. She turns back to the table and starts gathering her things, shoving them in her backpack before pulling her sweater over her head to hide her growing belly. “Where are you going?” He asks, looking up at her in surprise as she gets to her feet. 

“I’ve got a kickboxing class. Bodhi - ignore him. He’ll be there but I’ve got an appointment with Professor Yang that I can’t skip. Bye.” She turns on her heel and stalks away, her head down and her feet moving quickly to put some distance between her and Cassian before she hit him upside the head. 

Her pocket buzzes repeatedly on the short walk to the gym, her fingers itching to check the messages that she forces herself to ignore. When she reaches the change room she quickly pulls her gym clothes from her bag and ducks into a stall, worried that if she changed in front of others it would invite prying eyes to her current state. She wasn’t ready to discuss it - not with Bodhi and certainly not with strangers in a public change room. 

Sitting down to pull her sneakers on, Jyn hears her phone buzz insistently in her bag and she reluctantly pulls it out, looking down at Cassian’s face noting the incoming call. 

“I’ll go to the brunch. I’m sorry for pushing,” Cassian says as soon as the phone is to her ear, his voice sincere with his apology. 

“I need to be able to do this on my own terms, okay? I can’t have you pressuring me at every turn,” she mumbles into the line, her fingers pushing into her brow to try to relieve the stress that prickles there. 

“I know. I know and I’m sorry for that. I didn’t mean to make it harder. I’m really sorry, Jyn,” he adds lowly and she wishes he was here to tell her in person, her whole soul wanting to feel his arms wrap around her to keep her in one piece with the way her emotions flip and twist with his apology. 

“Thank you. Now I really do need to get to class - “ 

“You’re - Jyn! Are you even allowed to - with your state - are - “ 

“Stop worrying about me, please. I’m allowed the non-contact classes for now, okay?” She huffs and gets to her feet, his grumbled response on the other end making her chuckle. “Thanks to you too, Cass. Bye.” 

* * *

She’s sitting in the waiting room of Planned Parenthood with her legs and arms crossed tightly, the sound of the protestors echoing through the hallway as another client comes into the center. She keeps her gaze on the floor, counting the spots in the tile until her name is called. She doesn't want to look up - to look into the eyes of the women who were like her, their choices neither difficult nor easy, each one with its own story that she couldn’t even try to understand.

Sleep hadn't come easily to her after her call with Bodhi the night before. All throughout the conversation she'd wanted to tell him, had felt it clawing up her throat and threatening to break loose, but she'd swallowed it back time and again until she'd hung up and felt the rot in her gut. 

She had to tell him. If not today then soon. Already her clothes were tight and her body was acting weird and she needed some excuse not to go to Baze and Chirrut's Christmas Debauchery-fest because she couldn't lie to them about why she wasn't drinking when the whole point of the night was to get as drunk as you could before the end of  _ It's a Wonderful Life _ . She needed to tell him before it ate her alive.

"Jyn?" Meena, the doctor from her first appointment a few weeks ago greets her from the doorway as Jyn gets to her feet to follow her in. "Would you like your partner to join you?" Meena questions, nodding back towards the waiting room where Cassian stands near the door, a hesitant smile on his lips and his coat clutched tightly in his grip, waiting for her acceptance. 

Swearing under her breath, Jyn sighs and waves him forward, reluctantly admitting that she was glad to have someone else here with her. When Cassian joins them a moment later he manages to rest his hand on her lower back, the warmth spreading traitorously up her spine and somehow keeping her grounded at the same time as the two introduce themselves.

"It's good to see you again. How has it been since we last spoke? Have you made any decisions?" Meena asks as they settle into the room. Jyn avoids Cassian's look, keeping her eyes trained on the woman in front of her.

"I've decided I want to keep it. I have no idea what I'm doing though so I need some help with figuring out what comes next," she pauses, taking a breath and looking up at the poster on the ceiling. "I don't know what to expect or how to do whatever comes next. Are there classes? Do I need tests? Can I do this and finish out the school year?"

"Why don't we pause and take a breath," Meena suggests quickly, rolling the stool over until she's perched at Jyn's knees. "There - that's it. Another one - in and out. Excellent. We don't have to panic now. People have been having babies since we came to exist on this planet. There's no right way or wrong way to go through a pregnancy. There's only  _ your _ way and that's all that matters. Yes, there are some tests and regular check ins that we should schedule, and we should probably get you on a prenatal vitamin regimen, but that's nothing to get worked up over."

"Okay," Jyn murmurs, releasing the breath she'd been holding. Beside her Cassian shifts slightly, his silence more of a comfort than she expected. After this appointment she'd chew him out for missing brunch but right now, in that moment, she was glad to have someone by her side.

"As to your question about the school year, I believe based on our previous discussion and the ultrasound that it was likely early September or late August when this all started. That would give you until late May or sometime in June. We can determine a more thorough delivery window in a minute but that would get you through to graduating, if you wanted to continue with your classes. There's nothing stopping a pregnant student from studying - "

"You haven't met my nearly all-male classmates," Jyn jokes tightly, rolling her eyes. 

"Yes, well, that can be a challenge but if you walk in that room with your head held high then what are they going to say? Are they really going to mock someone dedicated enough to her studies that she's unwilling to quit?"

"Yes. I throw many punches due to just that type of sentiment," she grumbles.

"And they're always well deserved," Cassian adds quickly, his hand reaching up to wrap around hers and squeezing sympathetically.

"Good. Well, it seems like it's a bit of a rocky start but perhaps you have a support system to build off of? Is this the father?" Jyn snorts and Cassian sits up straight, his eyes flickering between the two women. "I'm picking up 'no' vibes… very well, that's okay. All that matters is you've got someone to support you. Not that I'm afraid you couldn't handle it on your own - I'm sure you could - but it always helps to have people standing at the ready to help out."

"Yeah, he's alright I guess. Can't seem to get rid of him," Jyn admits with a short laugh, her gaze lighting on Cassian for a moment before she turns back to the woman. 

"I see. Why don't we have you lay back and we'll do a quick viewing before getting to the real stuff?" Meena offers and Jyn looks to Cassian then, waiting for him to get to his feet and leave.

"You're going to have to tell me you want me to leave, otherwise I'm staying," he whispers at her look, his gaze searching. He would go, if she asked him to, but they both knew she didn't really want that. Sometimes he knew her better than she knew herself and it was almost spooky, though often it was just annoying. And so instead she reclines on the crunchy paper mattress and let's Cassian link his fingers tighter with hers, his grip never wavering as Meena starts up the ultrasound machine. 

The rest of the appointment rushes by in a blur of tests, dates and recommended books to read. Cassian's shoulder bag is stuffed with more pamphlets and notes, half scribbled on napkins as he tries to ensure neither of them miss anything important. She's thankful again that he's there when they head out into the crowd of protestors, the angry voices flooding her mind as he wraps his arm around her shoulders and guides her out towards the street. When they’ve broken through the angry tunnel she moves to pull away, certain that he’d only done it to keep her protected through the crowd, but instead he only eases closer. 

“You didn’t have to come,” she says after they’ve travelled a few blocks, their pace steady as they move back towards campus. 

“I know but when I woke up this morning I remembered that I have this friend who is kind of a badass but sometimes doesn’t know when to stop pushing people away until she winds up in a mess and needs rescuing. I figured I’d cut it off at the helm before I needed to pull you out of a ditch or something,” he says jokingly, his hand squeezing her shoulder. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever needed rescuing from any ditches,” she laments, scuffing her heels on the ground and pulling them up short. 

“Oh, I’d beg to differ. Remember that frat party in second year, when you went with that guy Suresh and he wouldn’t stop grabbing your ass? Pretty sure I had to bail you out that night. Maybe not a ditch, exactly, but jail could be an equivalent. And speaking of - I think you still owe me back for that, what was it, $200 bucks?” His lips turn up in a teasing smile, his hands settling on his hips as she groans and looks away. 

“He was handsy! He deserved to be charged with assault, not me! Whatever - are you seriously calling in a debt repayment from a single mom? What are you, a loan shark?” She jokes, shaking her head as she tries to swallow the laugh. Would this ease go away when he got tired of her? Of her kid and the day in and day out reality of being pregnant and living in a shitty dorm with no job and no way to support herself? How many more conversations would they have like this before he found it too much and finally split?

“Obviously I’m not serious about the money. But I do take repayment in backrubs, whenever you feel up to it.” She smiles and then covers her face, her body seemingly shivering through a wave of anxiety that strikes her just when she’s feeling at ease for the first time in months. Like a dam breaking, her shoulders drop and she steps back, eyes welling up with unshed tears. “What did I say? Is my back really that bad? Hey,” Cassian teases, reaching for her and resting his hands on her shoulders. In the next instant she’s crashing into his chest, her arms wrapping tightly around his waist as she tucks her head into his shoulder. She can feel him sigh as his own arms loop around her, one hand slipping to the back of her neck and rubbing small circles there. “You’re going to be alright, Jyn. You’re going to be a great mom and you’re going to graduate and it’s all going to work out. I promise you it will.” 

“I’m not ready to buy mom jeans yet,” she sobs pathetically, his laughter huffing out into her hair. She thinks he presses a kiss to the crown of her head but she’s not sure, too wrapped up in the chaos of her emotions ripping through her at that moment. 

“You don’t have to buy mom jeans. You can keep buying ass-kicking ones - “ 

“I  _ don’t fit _ into my ass-kicking jeans!” She moans and nearly falls forward as he pulls back and gets to his knees in front of her. “What are you doing?” She gasps through hiccuping tears, his hands settling on her stomach in a touch that felt far too intimate for their current friendship status. 

" _ Mi pequeña _ , this is the moment when I discovered that your Mum is surprisingly vain. We’re going to mark this day down in history so we can celebrate it every year from now on - “ 

“Get up here!” She commands, frustrated laughter bubbling up through her tears. Cassian gets back to his feet and returns his arm around her shoulders, leading her once more down the sidewalk. “I’m not vain.” 

“No, you’re not. But it got you to laugh, didn’t it?” He counters playfully, a rueful smile on his lips. She groans and leans her head into his chest, holding him for another moment before drawing back to finally walk on her own without his arms around her. 

“Thank you for coming today. You don’t need to come to my appointments but I appreciated having you there,” she says as they come upon the entrance to her dorm, her mind hesitating on letting him come in. She wasn’t sure that she could keep herself from pushing the boundaries of their friendship if he did come in and she wasn’t ready for that. Not now, with the kid on the way, she wouldn’t do that to him. He deserved so much better than being tied down by her mistakes on the cusp of setting out into the world. 

“It’s what friends do. And besides, I now know the due date which is ammo to keep you in school,” he quips. Jyn rolls her eyes and wraps her arms around her chest. 

“Yeah - it doesn’t seem like it was as much of an excuse as I thought it was before. I still haven’t decided on whether I’m staying though,” she replies to his understanding nod. 

“I know. Can I ask you a shitty question though?” His eyes flit away for a second, a hint of doubt starting to trickle into the warm buzz she’d been building from the walk home. Despite it, she nods and waits as he bites his lip for a moment, seemingly gathering up the courage. “Now that you kind of know when it happened - have you narrowed down who the father might be?” 

Her heart clenches at the thought, the mood from earlier effectively bursting at his question. Had she thought about it in detail? Absolutely not. Did she sleep with anyone in September who was worth calling up and discussing her situation with? Hell no. But did she owe it to her kid to think about it, now while she might still be able to track them down? Yes. 

“I went out with three different guys in September. One I don’t remember actually hooking up with and the other two - “

“Don’t forget that one night when Bodhi threw up on your shoes and you had to take him home,” he offers hopefully, his hands dug deep in his pockets as a particularly cool breeze ebbs around them. 

“Yeah - so if not those two then… Probably. But, if I don’t know for sure, do I still have to tell him?” She wonders aloud, her heart in her throat. She knew Cassian, of all people, would give her the practical answer. He’d tell it to her straight regardless of whether she liked the answer or not. It’s just - she wasn’t sure she was prepared for what he would have to say. 

“If it was me, I’d want to know. And even apart from what he wants, maybe it would be good for you - for the kid, too - to know? He could surprise you. Maybe he would help,” he offers softly, his eyes sad as they watch her twist herself anxiously with the thought. He was right. She knew he was right without any debate. But that didn’t mean she was ready. 

“Yeah. Although clearly I didn't think he was much of a contender since I never called him back. But I’ll think about it. If I decide not to run away, that is,” she adds to his resounding scoff. 

“You’ve already decided to stay, let’s not pretend you’re indecisive now.” 

“Whatever - go home Cassian. Let me know what your lame missing brunch excuse is so I can back you up to Leia when she asks.” Cassian nods at that and hovers for another moment, his hands popping out of his pockets almost as though he was going to reach for her but decides against it at the last minute. With a sigh and a tight smile, he turns on his heel and shouts a quick goodbye, heading down the road towards his off-campus apartment. 

Jyn watches him disappear down the sidewalk and feels her headache prickle at her temple, her whole body seemingly deflating now that he was gone. She’d been pushing herself to get home, to be strong enough to stand on her own two feet all day, but now she just wanted to curl up in her bed and watch something mindless until she had to really buckle down on her studying again. 

She was doing this. And she was terrified.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, these two have the potential to be so cute! In my head, their relationship is definitely one part fire and ice and one part so sarcastic and filled with banter that it almost hurts (in an adorable way). So maybe the story might sway into OOC, but lets be real, there's no war here and while yes, foster life can be hard, I think they're a bit less hardened in this story than in canon. Sue me for my liberties taken.


	6. Chapter 6

The due date for her withdrawal paperwork comes and goes, the topic never again brought up in her conversations. She had known the day she found out when she was due that she was going to finish school, she really had no real reason not to at this point. And so she'd studied hard, had kept her head down and her friends at bay until the day before Christmas Eve when the group of them came by her dorm to finally drag her out into the world.

"We're celebrating!" Bodhi greets, pushing past her into the room as Leia and Luke follow in after with bottles of cheap champagne in their hands.

"I thought we weren't getting together until tonight at Baze's?" Jyn questions quickly, trying to figure out how to steer them away from the pamphlets and vitamins scattered across her desk. When Leia shoves a bottle into her hand, Jyn feels the weight of it like a shackle and makes a point of setting it down on her desk before turning back to the group. 

“We were thinking of starting early this year. Bodhi is pretty sure he failed his physics exam and Leia got in another fight with Han so we figured we'd get a bit more debauched before we had to sit through another year of George Bailey,” Luke answers, settling in to lean against her bathroom door as Bodhi crawls onto her bed and pulls the covers over his head. 

It’s Leia who flops into her desk chair, the woman’s eyes focused on the phone in her hand as she angrily moves her fingers across the keyboard. Jyn isn’t sure how to get her to move, her worries easing slightly as she realizes that Leia was far too deep into her virtual text-fight to notice the ‘What to Expect’ guides scattered among her notebook. 

“Well, can we at least go to the common room then?” Jyn suggests, mentally working out a plan to pretend to drink along with them away from all her secrets. 

“No - I want your bed. You guys can go to the common room, I’ll catch up after a nap,” Bodhi mumbles into her pillow, his hair sprawling across the sheets and hiding his face from view. She says a small prayer in hopes that he’s not drunk enough to puke before she looks to the others and motions towards her door. 

They descend on the common room and soon the others are joining them, Han and Shara and Kes spilling into the space and turning the quiet gathering into a raucous mess of drinking and revelry that Jyn hopes doesn’t bleed out towards Carla’s suite down the hall. It doesn’t take long for Leia and Han to fix whatever argument they’d been in, the hot-and-cold couple always whipping back and forth before settling back together eventually. 

Jyn occupies herself on the edge of the group, watching and making a point of pretending to sip the champagne from her glass, attempting to play it off that she was joining in when really she was just trying to hide the fact that she shouldn’t be drinking at all. When Shara gives her a wide eyed look she does manage a small shake of her head, silently trying to reassure the woman she wasn't being stupid, or she wasn't pregnant, or something that made her look like she wasn't doing the exact horrible thing that Shara's look conveyed. 

She still needed to tell them, she knew that, but it didn’t feel right tonight. Not today. Maybe in the new year, when things were fresh and her bump became more noticeable under all of her sweaters. Or maybe she would just not see them for a couple months, like one of those unmarried women who disappeared to a ‘relatives’ for a few months before coming back sans child. Could she even do that? 

Unlikely, but she wasn’t swearing it off, especially as Carla pokes her head into the room and angrily asks that they all keep it down for once. If she did disappear, it would likely be a result of Carla finally snapping and burying her in the woods off campus.

Sighing, Jyn gets to her feet and takes her drink back to her room to check on Bodhi and switch it out for water. Inside the small space she finds her friend still sleeping, his usually long frame curled up in a ball as she ducks into the bathroom and uncorks her bottle. The contents spill out in a frothy mess and she only realizes when it’s half gone that she has no way to refill the thing, her tap too close to the sink to fit the opening under the faucet. Swearing to herself, she keeps the remaining bit of liquid and fills her cup with water to sip on instead, her mind already working on figuring out how she can keep up the charade for as long as she can. 

It takes her a moment to gather her courage before she steps back into her room, nearly stumbling as she runs head first into Bodhi's chest.

"What is all this?" He asks, a hint of concern in his voice as he holds up some of the pamphlets from her desk.

"Research for an app," Jyn lies. Bodhi scoffs and meets her gaze, his eyes searching. She knows he sees it. Knows he feels the realization burst through him like the adrenaline pumping in her veins. 

"Jyn - what - what is going on? What are you - are you drinking? Are you - really Jyn?" His voice rises an octave as he grabs the bottle from her hand, his face twisting in horror as he sees it half empty. "Tell me what is going on before I put two and two together and think the worst. Tell me!"

She's sure his shout can be heard in the hallway, his panicked voice frazzling her nerves as she takes a step closer and reaches for his forearms. He twists away at her touch and stalks back towards her desk, slamming the bottle onto its surface so hard that bubbles spill out over the mouth.

"Are you pregnant?" He asks, unable to face her. "Are you drinking while pregnant? Are you giving this kid FAS? Tell me you're not that stupid or cruel."

"I'm not drinking," she whispers in reply, her hands pulling at themselves as she tries to keep her hormones from whipping out of control. She could do this. She could. Bodhi was her friend, he would understand and she could fix it. She had to.

"But you are pregnant then?" Bodhi turns to face her, his brow softening as the anger begins to ease from his expression. Jyn can only nod, her voice still failing her when it came to putting that sentence together. "Is this a Christmas prank? Did you and Cassian cook this up during one of your crazy late night chats? Are you just messing with me?"

"No." She doesn't understand how her voice can manage to waver on a single syllable but it does and she hates it.

"You - Jyn fucking Erso - are having a baby?"

"How many times do I need to confirm it? Does this help?" She grumbles and lifts her shirt, her previously flat abdomen now rounded slightly outward. 

For a moment she's half certain he's going to faint, his face turning pale and his eyes closing in rapid blinks. But then his lips twitch and a smile cracks and he's stepping towards her, his hands outstretched. The hug he gathers her up in lifts her from the ground, a sound of excitement escaping from his throat and making her heart settle for the first time in months. 

"When? Why didn't you tell me? How far along are you? Jyn! How could you and Cassian not tell us?" The questions tumble out in quick succession, his hands moving from her shoulders to her hands to her face like he wasn't sure where to settle his attention.

"Early June. A couple months. How did you know that Cassian knows? Did he give it away? That asshole - "

"Wait - what? What do you mean how did I know he knew - isn't it - oh.  _ Oh _ . Shit. So it's not - ?" The flush of embarrassment colours his dark skin for a moment as she realizes what he meant. 

"No, he's not. We've never even slept together, why does everyone think that?" Jyn steps back from his grasp, her hands landing on her hips as she tries to tame her emotions. Bodhi was just excited, she couldn't hold this against him, right?

"You guys sleep together all the time so like - "

"We might 'sleep together' but that's it - just sleep! Isn't it possible that two people can be friends without it being assumed that they're fucking?" She grumbles, crossing her arms over her chest. There's a tense moment of silence between them as Bodhi weighs his next words, his body shifting from one foot to the other.

"They can, I guess, but you guys - never mind. What do you mean 'why does everyone think that'? Am I the last to know?" Jyn sighs, glancing up at her friend before collapsing into her desk chair. Clearly they weren't going out to the common room until Bodhi had his fill of answers.

"No. Just Shara and Cassian. And before you ask, Shara was because of her volunteering gig at the clinic and Cassian was because he's Cassian and he nearly drew blood as he pulled this secret out of me. He caught me filling out withdrawal papers for school and wouldn't let me go through with it."

"Wait - you're leaving?" Bodhi worries, coming to sit on the bed across from her. His excited expression from moments before falters, his knuckles turning white as he grips his knees.

"No. Not anymore at least. It doesn't make sense to drop out yet. Not unless something happens," she adds evenly, watching as he accepts the news and sits back. 

"So if you're not leaving and it's not Cassian's, are you going to tell me who the father actually is? Or have you been hiding him behind our backs all this time too?" She shakes her head and looks to the floor, still uncomfortable with the question.

"I'm not a hundred percent convinced I know who it is. And I don't really want to say it's him unless - "

"It's Scott, isn't it?" Bodhi interjects softly. Jyn tries to keep her reaction behind a mask of indifference even though inside she's getting ready to bolt. "If it's June then that means early September and you were with him for like two weeks and you had that cut on your leg - from the fence in August? - and you were taking those meds so if it's anyone - "

"How do you even remember all of that?" Jyn laments, unwilling to admit what he was saying made sense. 

"I pay attention and I listen when you tell me things. Besides, he wasn't a shitty person so I figured from the other ones you went out with he'd probably be the one you'd be okay with keeping around and therefore probably factored into why you’re still pregnant. How did he take it?"

"He didn't - I mean, I haven't told him yet. I didn't really want to tell anyone but now you know, and Shara and Cassian…" She trails off, glancing out her window to watch the sun sink lower on the horizon. They needed to be heading to Baze's soon or else they wouldn't be getting home until midnight. "Bodhi, I'm not ready to tell everyone yet. Can you please keep it a secret? Just for now until I get my feet under me?"

He nods and reaches for her hands, his callused palms harsh against her knuckles. "I'm with you on this. Whatever you need, I'm here, okay?" She wants to succumb to the tears threatening to fall but she forces herself to her feet instead, pulling Bodhi up with her and into a tight hug. "What's this - Jyn being affectionate? Hell really has frozen over."

"I'm blaming the hormones," she mumbles into his collar before pulling back. Bodhi laughs and grabs the champagne from her desk, pointing towards her door.

"Women and children first. If anyone asks, you were consoling me about my terrible exam," he says as they head into the hallway. When they reach the common room Jyn's happy to find the group quietly playing an intense game of poker, Cassian, Kay and Chewie having joined everyone at some point while she'd been gone. In the thick of it all, Cassian raises an eyebrow in her direction and flicks his eyes to Bodhi, her slight nod confirming their conversation. 

"Can we go eat some curry turkey now?" Leia groans as the round ends and Cassian cleans the table of the petty cash strewn across it.

"Yeah, I'm sure Chirrut has been slaving all day over the right take out menus," Han jokes, grumbling as he hands over his cards. 

It doesn't take long to tidy up the space before they pile into shared vehicles, Kay and Kes as the designated drivers splitting the group up for the drive over. Jyn makes a point of changing cars at the last minute to avoid both Bodhi and Cassian who climb in with Kay and Luke, sure that if she went with them there was no way the secret wouldn't spill out further. She didn't want to tempt fate - not when the liquor was already flowing - so she ducked out into Kes' car and kept her head down.

She's always thought Chirrut had a sixth sense for knowing when she's off her game, history having taught her he could sense a failing grade or a rough week within seconds of her arrival. Tonight is no exception as they enter the house, his foggy eyes zeroing in on her as she hangs her coat over the back of a chair. They’re the first group to arrive and it’s like she’s been caught in his laser-like non-existent sight, his posture twitching as she crosses her arms over her chest. 

“Welcome - come get your damn food because it’s getting cold,” Baze rumbles from the kitchen, his burly shape appearing and disappearing from around the corner as Chirrut greets them. She says a small prayer for Baze to rescue her, or for the others to arrive, to distract the older man from what she knew was going to be an awkward conversation. 

“Jyn - it’s rare to see you without your other appendages,” Chirrut says sarcastically, easing towards her with his walking stick in hand. She wants to step back but fights the urge, steeling herself for what was bound to come from the one man she knew could see right through her false bravado.

She hadn’t expected to befriend the couple when she’d first arrived on campus. In fact, she’d gone out of her way to snub their invitations and their offers of support despite how her case worker had pleaded with her to ‘just give them a chance’. They’d known her mother apparently - had gone to school together - and they’d made it a point to try to keep in touch since she transitioned from a ward of the state. It wasn’t until second year when she’d been running low on cash and had needed a break from her coursework that she had finally given in to their requests for lunch. She’d dragged Bodhi and Cassian along with her as a buffer, worried that the whole affair was a charade to kidnap her. It hadn’t been and she’d felt foolish enough to tell them only after five more lunches on the back patio, the beer making her lips loose as she poured her honesty onto the table. 

They’d never really talked about her parents. Maybe it was because she always had someone with her or maybe it was because they could see the very soul of her crack everytime someone brought up her mother. Not that it mattered. She didn’t want to tarnish the friendship she’d created with bad memories that she only let live in her nightmares. 

And so instead of those conversations, they kept things light and became resources she could draw on, mentors she could ask her questions to and receive vague but thoughtful responses in return. The pair had become a central rock for her and her friends, a home away from their own homes if they had them, and for those that didn’t - for Cassian, Bodhi and herself - it became a refuge when campus went silent and the students left on holidays or summer vacation. For the last two years Jyn had spent the summer months where she wasn’t planting trees living above their garage, the small apartment they had carved out for her perfect to save money on while she worked to tuck away every last dollar into her school fund. 

Now she couldn’t help but wish they had never built this familiarity, this closeness that let them see her through the mask she wore every day. It had been two months since she’d last visited and they knew something was up, could probably smell it like a propane leak about to explode. They'd called, texted, emailed, but still she'd kept it from them because she was convinced they'd give up on her if they knew. She was her mother's legacy, the one who was meant to carry her name, and now it would be tied to a social outcast. What would they think of her?

“I’m assuming they are still coming, are they not?” Chirrut continues, breaking into her thoughts. 

“They are. They took the other car,” she answers shortly, moving to step past the man towards the kitchen. She doesn’t get far before he manoeuvers his walking stick directly into her path, pulling her up short. Exhaling to calm her nerves, Jyn looks back at Chirrut with a carefully balanced look, her heart starting to race. 

“It’s been quite some time since we've seen you. We were starting to worry. Do you have anything you’d like to share?” He urges, brows lifting. The panic simmers back to life in her gut and she swallows, hands instinctively diving into her sweater’s pouch pockets to cover her belly. 

“School has been crazy. I didn’t have much time to sleep, let alone socialize,” she lies and Chirrut tsk’s under his breath, tapping his stick against her shins. 

“We’re family - let’s not lie to one another.” She squeezes her hands into fists and tries to force herself to breathe, her body nearly shaking with the truth burning at the back of her tongue. She wanted to tell him. She  _ needed _ to tell him. Both of them. She needed to tell them all. She needed - 

“How did you guys get here so quickly?” Cassian interrupts, stepping through the door as Bodhi, Kay and Luke follow behind. Cassian’s eyes flicker over to hers, his lips tightening for a brief moment before he tosses his coat onto the chair and toes off his shoes. In another second he’s at her side, rescuing her from Chirrut’s calm smile and tilted head. “It’s good to see you again Chirrut - I can’t wait to eat another year’s worth of takeout in one sitting. Shall we?” He asks brightly, looking between Jyn and Chirrut with a measured gaze. 

Before she realizes it, she’s being steered towards the kitchen where the rest of the group has made themselves at home, pulling plates from the cupboards and pouring themselves drinks as they pick over the mess of take away containers and an odd-shaped turkey at the end of the counter. Cassian moves them into the middle of the pack, away from Chirrut and prying eyes, before he catches her eye and cocks his head. 

“It’s fine,” she whispers, squeezing his hand before grabbing herself a plate. He nods and turns to make nice with Baze, leaving her to fill her dish and settle in the living room at the foot of the couch. 

Slowly, the room fills and the noise ratchets up a level as the drinking begins in earnest. A glass of clear bubbly liquid is thrust out towards her and she’s half ready to decline it before she looks up and finds Cassian already making to sit down next to her. She slides over to make room and takes the offered drink with a half-smile, a small thanks muttered as she sets it aside. When everyone is seated with their plates overflowing, Chirrut stands up from his seat and turns to the group. 

“Another Christmas with this collection of lost toys. The Force is glad you’ve found your way for another year and to reward you - “ 

“He’s sent us George Bailey,” the room echoes monotonously, the line familiar as the same toast given every year by the man. Chirrut grins and nods, lifting the remote up and pressing the combination of buttons to get the video to play. The opening credits begin and the room is plunged into semi-darkness, only the light from the film to guide them as they pick away at their meals. 

The drinking intensifies as the movie progresses, each chapter signaling a new round of drinks being brought out as the night goes on. When for the second time that night she’s chastised for not having drank enough, Jyn has to swallow back her sharp retort, choosing instead to pretend she was so wrapped up in the movie that she’d forgotten it was there. 

“Give it here,” Cassian says when Han gives her a funny look, leaving without her cup to go prepare the next round. Cassian chugs the liquid back, nearly coughing as the alcohol bites at his throat. “Han will get the next round again for Leia so he’ll get suspicious if you still aren’t finished,” he says, leaning towards her conspiratorially. 

“Thanks. That’s twice you’ve saved me tonight,” she whispers in return, bumping her shoulder into his as he grins back at her. 

“Didn’t peg you for such a damsel,” he jokes as Han begins handing out the next round. 

“Not a damsel, just surrounded by a bunch of alcoholics with - “ 

“Quiet in front!” Leia shouts from the seats behind them, a handful of popcorn scattering around her and tangling in her hair. Cassian chuckles and reaches for the pieces, his eyes catching hers in the low light. She’s not sure if it’s the alcohol in his system or the light-hearted mood of the evening but when he stills she almost convinces herself that she sees something in his gaze, her heart flopping uselessly in her chest at his touch. 

“Guess we’d better pay attention,” he murmurs, watching her for another moment before turning back to face the movie. She follows his lead but tucks the recognition away, her body buzzing at the thought that for the first time maybe she’s seen something in him that she hadn’t thought possible. When she looks up though, towards where Chirrut sits in his seat with Baze at his back, her blood turns cold as she catches him watching with unseeing eyes and smiling with a knowing look. She’s certain then that he knows and it feels like ice in her veins to realize it. 

The drinks continue and the movie plays on, the arrival of Clarence marking the last chapter and Jyn’s turn to serve the next round of beverages. She serves Christmas shots of peppermint schnapps, raising her shot glass of water as the others blearily raise their own in salut. Cassian does his shot with a body-echoing groan, leaning into her side as he takes the brunt of her inability to drink by consuming half of her beverages for the evening along with his own. She sighs at the move and snakes her arm around his waist, bracing herself to let him rest more fully against her. When his breathing evens out and his fingers tangle in her shirt, she settles back against the couch and focuses on watching the end of the movie and trying not to tear up at the final sequence. 

When the lights come on overhead Jyn has to shake Cassian slightly to bring him back awake, his grumble into her neck almost making her laugh as he refuses to disengage. Thankfully Bodhi is there to help him to his feet, the man wrapping an arm around Cassian’s waist as they move towards the entrance. 

“You seem remarkably sober compared to your partner in crime,” Chirrut says, startling her as she waits for the others to pull on their shoes and clear the entryway. 

“I’ve always held my liquor better than him,” she lies and Chirrut almost guffaws, his whole body shivering with the swallowed laughter. 

“When will you tell them?” He asks after a moment, as Baze distracts the rest of the group by distributing the leftovers. 

“Tell them what?” Jyn counters lowly, taking her coat from Bodhi and pulling it on more forcefully than necessary. 

“Mmm, I see. Well, when you do decide to come out with whatever it is you’re hiding, know that we’ll be here to support you. It’s what your mother would have wanted for you, Jyn,” he adds. The words make her want to recoil, the flicker of white hot pain in her chest bubbling up at the mention of her mother. Stars, she wished her mother was here now. 

“Ready Jyn?” Bodhi asks from where he stands with Luke and Cassian, the latter of the group swaying on his feet. 

“Coming,” she answers before turning back to Chirrut and pulling him into a hug. “Stop prying. I’ll tell you when I’m ready, okay?” 

“He already knows, Little Sister,” Baze grumbles from beside him, opening his arms for his own hug as Jyn pulls away. “Cornered Bodhi in the kitchen during what he claimed was an intermission. Don’t worry. When you’re ready to talk we’ll be here.” 

“Thank you. Both of you. Merry Christmas,” she adds hastily at Bodhi’s loud interjected goodbye. Jyn gives one final look to the pair before sidling up to Cassian’s side and wrapping her arm around his waist to keep him steady. They bid one final farewell before moving out into the cool night, following along behind Luke as he leads them towards where Kay is already warming up the car. 

She works hard to play herself off as intoxicated during the short walk, though it isn’t hard with Cassian leaning heavily into her as she struggles to get the door open and guide him inside. Once they’re all buckled in and Bodhi has turned around in his seat to face her, she knows what he’s about to say before he even says it. 

“I told them,” Bodhi groans, shame colouring his features. 

“I know. It’s fine. Everyone is going to learn eventually when I start having to wear all new clothes,” she chides, sighing with the weight of the night coming to rest on her shoulders. 

“I, for one, am excited for you,” Luke adds, ducking around Cassian’s side to look at her. 

“Oh? Bodhi tell you too?” 

“On the way over. Bodhi was the weak link and proceeded to tell the others indirectly of your current status,” Kay interjects. “It seems he mistook the car for a sound-proof space while I was purchasing gas. Both myself and Luke could not ignore the discussion.” 

“I didn’t know the window was open,” Bodhi grumbles and reaches his hand back towards her. She captures his hand and squeezes it, the comforting touch hopefully conveying her forgiveness through the alcohol in his blood. 

“Which means it’s only really Han, Leia and Chewie left and I won’t see them until the new year anyways.” Beside her Cassian mumbles something and reaches for her hand, his bleary gaze turning to find hers in the low light. “What?” She asks gently, giving him grace for taking her lashes for her all night. 

“Can I stay with you? It’s Christmas,” he repeats, clearer than before. 

“Oh - I guess. Though I was thinking of getting you home and then - “ 

“That’s fine,” he replies and closes his eyes, his fingers tightening their grip as he dozes off again. 

“You’re sure it’s not his?” Bodhi stage whispers then, Luke’s laughter filling the air as Kay turns onto Cassian’s street. Jyn doesn’t bother to snap her reply, choosing instead to keep quiet until they pull up to the curb and she climbs out of the car. Saying her goodbyes, she helps Cassian onto the sidewalk and starts making their way towards his apartment, the mockery from the car ride washing off her back as the cool wind pinches her exposed skin. 

She wouldn’t see any of them until New Years. Kay was going home and Luke and Leia’s parents had offered the twins to bring their partners to the family Christmas celebration for the first time this year. To say the invitation was causing Bodhi angst was an understatement - he’d been worrying about it almost non-stop since he nervously accepted the invitation to his first large family event in the city a few hours away. She’d miss bingeing the  _ Die Hard  _ sequels with him but secretly she was happy her friend was finally being invited along this year, the move a big one for the couple who had kept things under wraps until late the semester before. 

Now it was just her and Cassian left, the two lone strays with nowhere else to go. She tried not to think about how they’d become friends, the screaming match they’d had on Christmas Eve when he, her no-bullshit RA at the time, discovered her playing her music too loud in her dorm room when she’d thought everyone else had gone home for the holiday. She’d been hot under the collar that day, angry at the world, and she’d just wanted to fight anything that seemingly challenged her on anything. Cassian had been the first target that had appeared and she’d ripped into him before slamming her door in his face. She couldn’t remember now what she’d said to him that made her stumble into the shower and start to cry, but it’d been harsh enough to make her voice hoarse as she apologized with a plate of bacon and eggs the next day. He’d never once held it against her and they’d been friends ever since. 

“Come on, let’s get you into bed so I can go home and  _ sleep _ ,” Jyn coos, kicking open his apartment door and maneuvering them into his bedroom. She kneels to pull off his shoes and set his keys on the bedside table before standing back up and huffing at the effort. If this was a sign, she was going to be a mediocre mother at best. 

“Stay,” Cassian groans as she reaches for the blanket to pull over him. 

“You’ll see me tomorrow when we go for breakfast - well, lunch probably at this point,” she responds softly. He grapples for her hand and tugs it, opening his eyes to look up at her. 

“No - just stay. I’ve got clean pyjamas in the drawer. Just lay down for a bit,” he urges and tugs her hand again. She sighs and chews the inside of her cheek, debating the twenty minute walk home for a moment before giving in and toeing her shoes off. She grabs the first shirt she can find from his drawer and pulls it on, shucking her pants and crawling onto the bed and under the covers. It’s barely a minute before he’s rolling over to face her, his fingers reaching out to wrap around hers. “ _Ahora vete a dormir,_ _mamacita_ ,” he murmurs with a teasing smile, his eyes closed but a pleased look on his face. Jyn groans and slaps his shoulder at the filthy endearment, rolling over to face the wall as he chuckles into the pillow. 

She isn’t sure how long she lays awake, her hand drifting down to her bump occasionally as Cassian’s breathing behind her evens out. She falls asleep with thoughts of next year in her mind, the reality that this would be her last lonely Christmas giving her almost a bittersweet mood as she drifts off. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got two headcanons for Bodhi. Either he's ride or die for secrets (there's definitely evidence to this) or he's got a weak spot for spilling secrets by mistake (not so much evidence as a ~feeling). IDK. Guys, I just want to say, thank you so so so much for all your comments and love on this fic. I'm so glad you're enjoying it and while I'm still writing it, I'm trying to get it wrapped up soon as my August will be crazy. Please bear with me on any delays!


	7. Chapter 7

She swallows the moan at his touch, her skin blazing as his beard grazes across her ribs. His hands scrape their way over her hips and across her thighs, swooping up between her legs before sinking back down and resting there. Jyn feels alight with the touch, her teeth pulling at her lip as his fingers dip and explore her folds. When one sinks inside, her slick heat welcoming the digit like it belonged there, she nearly gasps. 

Everything around her was foggy, unlit, and starved of just enough oxygen to make her want to pant. Time swayed forwards and back, the movement of their bodies syncing and then rewinding, jumping forward in a mess of touches and soft breaths against skin driving her upward. She was burning up and desperate, her hips rolling into his touch as she tried to find the release that was teasing her more with every minute. She needed to let go. She needed to feel him between her legs, inside her, around her until she didn’t know what of her remained. 

“ _ Mi amor _ .” 

The sweet words float across her forehead as her heart quickens. She feels herself starting to crest, the pressure in the crux of her thighs solid as she bears down on it and uses the friction to bring her to the peak. With a small cry she falls apart, her whole body trembling as she slowly comes back to earth. 

Two things happen when she once again feels the bed beneath her, the blankets surrounding her caught up around her limbs. The first is that she realizes she’s been dreaming, the haze of the images in her mind slowly dissipating as she blinks open her eyes. The second is that she realizes she’s not alone in her bed at the dorm, the panic starting to boil in her gut as she glances around the unfamiliar room. 

Cassian is wrapped around her as much as she’s wrapped around him, her leg linked over his hip and his thigh pressed tight between hers. His hips still rut slowly against her, his fingers flexing against her back as the dream still weaves through his mind. 

“ _ Eres hermosa, _ ” he whispers above her as his hold tightens. Jyn freezes, her heart racing as she tries to figure out what to do. Whether to let him keep dreaming or to detangle herself before he wakes from his dream. “ _ Mierda, mi amor, me voy a venir. Me voy… _ ” His words fade out again and a hand sinks to her lower back, holding her flush against him as he grinds up against her. She can feel his whole body tighten, his muscles clenching before a tight gasp escapes his throat, the sound making her body flicker back to life with want. 

She needed to get out of here. She needed to run. This was more than just waking up with him hard against her. This was more than her just waking up and wanting his hands and his mouth all over her. They’d practically shared a sex dream and what’s worse is she  _ wanted _ it to be real. She needed to pull back before she pushed him away forever, the embarrassment that this would cause for him likely to drive a wedge between them that she wasn’t sure they could overcome. 

Half-sunk by the desperation to escape her situation, Jyn doesn’t notice when Cassian tenses around her, his hand lifting from her neck and where one had slipped under the back of her night shirt. When he swears under his breath, his hips shifting back quickly, Jyn snaps her eyes closed and pretends to still be asleep as he pulls away. 

In another minute he’s gone from the bed, his footsteps light as he tracks to the dresser and opens some drawers. He trips over his shoes at one point and swallows a curse, disappearing through the bedroom door and down the hall. When he’s closed himself in the bathroom, Jyn opens her eyes and rolls to look at the ceiling, her heart thumping wildly in her chest. 

What was she going to do? Could she just ignore this? Could she tuck away knowing the sound he makes when he comes? Could she forget the thrill of his voice in her ear, the gravelly drag of his Spanish across her skin? 

She had to. She  _ had _ to. It wasn’t an option to pursue this. Not now. Not with a kid on the way. She needed Cassian as her friend now more than she needed a relationship she would drive into the ground eventually. 

The sound of the bathroom door reopening and footsteps in the hall cause her to twist onto her side facing the wall again, the blankets pulled up high over her shoulders. She forces herself to relax, to breathe evenly, as he dumps his clothes in the hamper and crawls back onto the mattress. She expects him to keep to his side of the bed but he doesn’t, his tall frame easing closer to her until he’s close enough to feel the warmth pouring off of him. It’s then she feels the kiss pressed to her crown, his arm slow to loop back around her waist until his palm grazes her abdomen and settles there. His fingers splay across her belly and he tucks his nose into the back of her neck, his breathing shifting across her skin and soothing the nervous energy she feels rolling through her. 

Somehow she falls back to sleep, the anxious thoughts easing as the awkward moment is avoided and she’s able to play it off as having been a fluke. Or at least, that’s what she tells herself as her fingers link with his, sleep only truly finding her again when he slides flush against her back like a puzzle piece falling into place. 

* * *

She’s the first one awake and she blames the sun for shining too brightly through the thin curtains, her eyes blinking slowly open as she looks around the room. Cassian lay off to the corner of the bed, a pillow over his head as he snores softly under the fabric. 

She should get up, get dressed and head back to her place so that she can shower and change and get her head on straight for spending the next two days here. Here, with her friend who she has spent the night clinging to, her hormone-driven sex drive making her body behave in ways that its never dared doing before. 

Stars, had last night really happened? Maybe she’d just been dreaming about her dream? Maybe his touch hadn’t really pulled an orgasm from her? She wanted to believe it was all in her head but she wasn’t stupid. One of the guides had said this was a side effect of the pregnancy and she couldn’t deny that it had happened so maybe she just needed to move past it. It had happened, it hadn't been a conscious decision and that was that. Right?

Cursing internally, Jyn pulls herself from the bed and changes back into her clothes from the day before as quietly as she can.

"You're leaving?" Cassian questions softly, sleep heavy in his voice. She glances back to where his tousled hair is peeking out from under the covers, his eyes blinking in the bright morning light.

"Yes. We're still on for movies tonight?" She replies, turning her keys over in her fingers. He nods and flops his head back down onto his pillow, a groan escaping from his chest.

"Of course. Bring a bag of clothes and take my keys. I'll probably still be in bed when you get back because I'm pretty sure I'm dying," he grumbles and she swallows back a laugh at his state. He was like this because he'd tried to protect her. There was no way she could hold him -  _ hold either of them _ \- responsible for what had happened in the dead of night. Of that she was certain.

* * *

The rest of the day feels back to normal, her reappearance at Cassian’s apartment later that afternoon marking a return to the ease they usually had when they were hanging out without anyone else. She didn’t want to say it was a direct result of her being able to shower and reset her brain but there was a definite connection, she’d argue at least, that she felt when her knees went weak from the vibrator she used while alone under the hot spray of water. The orgasm had rippled through her and she’d breathed a sigh of relief, of metaphorical release, at the end that had made it easier to think clearly. 

With her mind at ease, she’d ventured back over with Cassian’s gift in her duffle bag and a few changes of clothes tucked around it, the last few items of which she owned that didn’t feel too tight on her changing body. 

They spend the evening on the couch, eating take out and watching Christmas movies late into the night. The mood is light and she feels at ease as she curls up against the armrest, her feet tucked under the blanket he’s draped over his lap. 

It’s sometime later, after she’s already fallen asleep, that she feels Cassian slip his arms under her and lift her from the cushions, cradling her against his chest as he heads back to his room. She pretends to sleep as he sets her down like she’s precious, his hand brushing her hair back from her face for a moment before he turns away from the bed. When she knows he’s not looking, she opens her eyes and finds him stripping down across the small space, his hands making quick work of pulling a pair of sleep pants on. She wills her mouth to not go dry, the sight of him making her insides twist with want that she can only blame on the hormones ravaging her system. If she wasn’t pregnant she’d never be having these thoughts, she was sure of it. It was just her body betraying her, nothing more. 

Stars, she hoped that was true. Especially when he climbs onto the mattress and settles down beside her, their faces mere inches away. She wants to open her eyes, to give away that she was awake to see if anything would happen, but the fear of things changing keeps her feigning sleep to save herself from a conversation she knew she couldn’t have. 

And so she turns away from him and curls up into a ball, making herself small under the sheets like she would back at her dorm as she forces herself to settle into another night sleeping next to her best friend who she maybe, might be, feeling something for that she can’t quite explain. 

* * *

Christmas morning comes and Jyn wakes to the smell of bacon, her body warm and her mind content as she burrows deeper into the pile of blankets that have been pulled over her. She doesn't want to climb out of this bed where she feels so safe, so comfortable, to rejoin the world and return to the weird changes in her body, the worries about the coming months plaguing her. If she didn't crawl out of this space maybe things wouldn't change, maybe she could continue being herself without the judgement that was coming for her. It seemed possible, in this moment, to hide in the safety that enveloped her. It was Christmas after all and maybe miracles could happen.

"Jyn!" Cassian's shout from the kitchen makes her groan, her knees tightening up to her chest as she tries to hide for one more moment. She knew she was fighting a losing battle - Cassian had started throwing himself into Christmas after her confession that it had always been one of the highlights of her childhood when her parents were still around - and she'd gone along with him because it'd been nice to be distracted on the day rather than angry like she used to be. She just wished she had more energy this year, her body sapped of it like the thing inside her was consuming it all without even saying thank you. She found herself wishing for a lot of things this morning. " _Mi querida,_ _desayuno está listo_ ," his voice is softer than the shout from across the apartment and she knows he's at the bedroom door, watching as she turns over.

"Ten more minutes," she grumbles pathetically.

"It was ten more minutes an hour ago. Come on, breakfast is ready, time to get up," he says as he lifts the blanket from her feet and runs his palms along them. Her body shivers and she pulls them up out of his grip, hiding her smile in the blankets. 

"You know, if you're not nicer to me, I'm going to have to celebrate Christmas without you next year," she teases. Cassian scoffs and tugs at the blankets until she's left curled up in her pyjamas, the pillow clutched in her arms.

"You think that's a punishment? I bet you and the little bit will be dying to have Tío Cass there. Who else is going to cook you breakfast? Speaking of, it's getting cold. Don't make me drag your ass to the kitchen, Jyn, come on."

"Bring it here, like last year." 

"Do you remember last year? Eggs, everywhere. I had to buy new sheets - "

"You _ needed _ new sheets! I did you a favour - "

"Just come eat, okay? You should be gaining weight right now, not losing it," he adds softly, his voice mere inches from her now. She opens an eye and catches his tense features, the humour from his words nowhere to be found in his expression. What was  _ that _ look? She'd been doing fine, hadn't she? The frustration bubbles inside of her and she sits up, a frown on her face. 

"What are you trying to say?" She barks, scooting to the edge of the bed as he bounces back away from her. His serious expression falters and turns up into a bright smile, a knowing look as he backs away. She'd been caught in his trap and she knew it as soon he let loose that cocksure grin.

"I'm glad you decided to get up. Can we eat now?" He asks as he steps back towards the door, tossing her a sweater from the dresser before disappearing back down the hall. She pulls the fabric over her head and reluctantly sets her feet on the cold floor to finally start the morning.

Making her way out to the kitchen, Jyn stretches and revels in the scent of Cassian's sweater around her as she rounds into the living room. The sight that welcomes her makes tears spring to her eyes, the hormones kicking up a huff as she looks around the room.

"When did you do all this?" Jyn croaks, looking between the tiny tree Cassian had decorated to the strings of lights that hung over the couch and around the windows. It was a perfect Christmas morning, complete with stockings stuffed with treats and a gift wrapped and placed at the end of the counter. 

“Yesterday, when you thought I was dying and did nothing to help me. I haven’t forgotten your abandonment, by the way, but that’s for another day. I finished pulling everything out this morning. Today is Christmas and you get the full setup because I want you to remember this as a good year,” he answers, leaving the unspoken ‘ _ even if things aren’t going as planned _ ’ floating between them. Jyn covers her face for a moment and centers her mind, settling her emotions before she moves to sit at the counter where two plates are filled with food. 

“You’re too good to me, Cassian,” she says as he comes to sit beside her, her hand finding his on the counter as he reaches for the syrup. 

“It goes both ways,” he responds with a shrug though his hand doesn’t release hers for another moment, the squeeze of his palm around her knuckles holding their connection a bit longer. She takes it as a comfort and turns her focus to her food, her stomach growling at the pancakes and bacon he’s whipped up this morning. 

They eat quickly and discard their dishes in the sink. Afterwards, Cassian makes a point of moving the stockings and tree over to the coffee table as Jyn runs back to the room and grabs his gift from her bag, setting it on the table alongside hers before she drops onto the sofa. 

“What do we open first?” She asks, looking between the mess of things wrapped on the table and his pensive look. He pauses for another moment before glancing up at her, a small shrug hitching his shoulders. 

“Whatever you want.” She lunges for the stocking and tosses one to him, her cheeks almost painful with the size of the smile on her lips. She wasn’t materialistic - not by a long shot - but if there was anything she liked in this world it was  _ Junior Mints _ and she was absolutely certain there must be a box of them tucked inside. Digging her hand through the tiny parcels, Jyn seizes on a box that is about the right size wedged deep in the toe. Pulling it free, she ignores the discarded items and tears at the newspaper around it until she sees the label. The box drops from her hand in disappointment,  _ Milk Duds _ , a sigh escaping her as she looks around the table at everything that’s left. “You took my stocking,” Cassian says from beside her, his expression desperately holding back a laugh at her expense as he holds out another similarly wrapped box. 

“If these aren’t mints Cassian, I swear to God,” she mumbles, taking the box from his outstretched hand as he chuckles and collects the discarded items to open himself. The gods remain unsummoned as she finds the treat she has been craving for days, the chocolatey mint bites quickly pouring into her palm. She sits back with a sigh at the first taste, her hands holding the container to her heart like a precious thing. Beside her Cassian shakes his head, nudging her with his knee as he continues opening the mini-gifts. “I don’t need anything else. This is all I’ve ever wanted in this entire world,” she mumbles around the sugar in her mouth. 

“You haven’t even seen what else is in there,” he replies blandly, pushing the stocking once more towards her. She sits forward again and starts pulling things out, her hands busy unwrapping more candy, a Ring-POP, hair ties, boxing hand wrap and two pairs of fuzzy socks; “Because you’re always complaining how cold your feet are,” he laments as she gives him a look. 

He finishes with his own stocking and settles back into the couch, watching as she works through the tiny gifts as though each one were a treasure. Somehow she’d received more in her stocking and while she wouldn’t complain, she couldn’t help the spark of guilt that flickered within her when she looked over and found his gifts  _ practical _ and  _ useful _ while hers were determinedly  _ fun _ and  _ yummy _ . Clearly she needed to step her game up, she realized, setting down the empty stocking and looking towards him. 

“Thank you for that - it was unnecessary but - “ 

“You didn’t - I think there’s still something left?” He adds, looking across the table at what she’s uncovered and frowning. Jyn reaches for the stocking again and then notices something hiding deep in the toe, the tiny baggie blending into the red fabric. She pulls it loose and turns it over in her hands, her heart jumping in her chest as her fingers rub against the round object inside. 

“Cassian,” she gulps, looking up at him with fear barely concealed on her face. “What -  _ Cassian _ .” Her voice falters and she opens the drawstrings and dumps the ring into her palm. It’s plain and unassuming, the gold band dull from wear as it rests in her hand. “What the fuck is this?” 

When she looks up again her whole world starts to shake as Cassian shifts forward towards the edge of the couch. No.  _ No, no, no _ . She gets to her feet and clenches her hands into fists, stepping back and away from him as his sober look breaks out into a blinding smile. He laughs, his whole body shaking with it as he gets to his feet and encircles her reluctant frame in his arms. 

“It’s not that - I promise,” he adds, his laughter breaking free from his chest. She feels herself shaking, the shock of what she’d assumed was happening still washing over her. If it wasn’t - 

“Then what the fuck  _ is it _ ?” She growls, pushing him back a step and looking down at the ring again. This time though she sees it through a less terrified-look, her heart starting to calm its rapid beat in her chest. 

“It’s for when the assholes in your faculty get to be too much. Like a decoy ring. Slip it on and no one will come at you for petty shit,” he answers calmly, reaching his hand out and plucking the ring from her palm. He grabs her hand and hovers it over her nail, his head cocked in a dare. Jyn pushes her hand forward until the ring is resting on her finger, the solid band standing out on her pale digit. 

“Does this mean I get half your stuff if you leave?” She asks after a minute, her brow lifted. Cassian barks a laugh and shakes his head, his hand lifting to brush against her cheek before withdrawing back to his hip. 

“You were always going to get half of me if I left,” he responds softly, his gaze focused on her before it slips down to the other presents on the table. “Should we open these last ones?” 

She feels the moment snap like a rubber band, her fear and thrill coming back down with a lurch as they both return to their places on the couch. Unsure of how she felt about wearing the ring, about the thoughtfulness of the gift, Jyn slips it off and onto her necklace, determined to keep it close and yet still far from where it naturally fit. She wasn’t ready for that step with anyone and she doubted she ever would be, what with her current state of being an unwed young mother. And so she tucks it all away in the back of her mind as she pushes Cassian’s present towards him, her own dropped unceremoniously in her lap. 

She got him the box set of The West Wing. He got her a pair of slip on runners. Painfully practical, she realized, as she looked between them both with a shake of her head. They were terrible at this. How had the best thing either of them had gotten one another been a box of chocolates and a banged up ring? 

“I got you something else but it hasn’t arrived yet,” he says after she tries on the shoes and lifts them into the air to look at them, her attention diverted to the no-tie laces. 

“Oh? Because us getting engaged and then you buying me running shoes to leave you at the altar wasn’t enough rejection for one day?” She replies, looking at him between her legs. Cassian rolls his eyes and then unlocks his phone, tapping through the screen before he gets to what he’s looking for. 

“I wasn’t sure if it was weird to give it to you now, or if I should wait, or any of that shit really. So just like - don’t be weird and just go with it, okay?” He requests calmly, his lip pulled between his teeth as he hands over his phone. The image is of a tiny onesie, black with white lettering scrawled across it. 

“ _ Chingados _ ?” She says uneasily, her brow furrowing as she glances up at him. “Is this just a onesie that says ‘fuck’ in Spanish?” 

“Yes. Do you hate it?” He asks tentatively, his expression faltering. 

“Cassian,” she sighs and sits up, holding his phone tightly in her hand. She looks down at the small outfit and pictures them laughing together as people realize what it says, her whole body starting to vibrate with the imagery. It was  _ hilarious _ . It was  _ perfect _ . It was the best gift she could get for this kid, this thing that she hadn’t been sure was a good thing at the beginning but was shortly, but surely, starting to grow in her.. “Cassian, this is the best thing I’ve ever seen,” she admits, her voice shaking as she looks up at him. Were those tears in her eyes, again? Was she - really - honestly? What was wrong with her? 

She doesn’t stop herself from lunging towards him, her arms wrapping around his torso as she knocks him back on the couch, pinning him to the cushions in her embrace. He takes the contact like a champion, slipping his arm free and wrapping it around her shoulders to hold her to him as though she was going to pull away at any moment. 

“You can be such an asshole and then you do something like this and then I have to love you for it,” she mumbles into his collar, revelling in the feel of his laughter rumbling through her. 

“You’re just so easy to rile up that I can’t help it.” His beard rubs against her neck and she pulls back slightly, looking down at him with a soft gaze as he speaks. When his palm slips up to cup her chin she hesitates, unsure whether she should move away or lean closer. “Besides, even if the idea terrifies us both, I think it’s fucking brave that you’re going through with it. So obviously that kid will need a wardrobe that will keep up with his ass-kicking mom.” 

“It’s not brave. It’s just how it is,” she counters plainly, resting against him for another minute longer before eventually drawing herself back out of the hope his warmth promised. She needed to rebuild her walls, protect herself before she let her rampant emotions make a mountain out of a molehill. Cassian didn’t want her like that. He never had and now he never would.  _ Especially _ now. It did no good to pretend she saw something in his eyes that she knew, logically, wasn’t really there. 

“Right,” he sounds confused as he says it, sitting up beside where she’s leaned over to grab his box set, effectively ending the moment between them. 

“Can we watch all the Christmas ones today?” She asks abruptly, derailing the conversation so completely that it would take a herculean effort to put it back on course. One neither of them were prepared to make, thankfully. 

“If that’s what the mama wants, that’s what the mama gets,” he returns and she can’t miss the spark he forces into his words, his hands quick to take the package from her and busy himself with getting the show setup. When he returns to the couch and settles in at his end, Jyn looks towards him with a hesitant smile, uncertain of the words she wants to use as he glances over at her. 

How did she thank him for everything? How did she tell him how much today meant to her, without it getting complicated? Next year she wouldn’t have this - there’d be a baby and she’d be alone and there’d be no gifts because God knows she wouldn’t be able to afford them as she tried to do this all on her own. She’d needed this day to lock in her memory, to look back on when things seemed to be at their darkest. 

And so Jyn does what she knows she probably shouldn’t, indulging herself unabashedly by leaning into his side. When he lifts his arm and helps her settle closer, she promises herself it’s only for one episode and then she’ll force the distance back between them - just to be safe. 

They finish half of the season before she eventually falls back to sleep against him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friends, today was hard. The explosion in Lebanon has filled my brain all afternoon and I hope, if by any chance any of you have loved ones there, that they are safe. The world is so hard right now, I hope this little piece of fic helps ease the troubles for you. If you wanna talk or venture down a spiral with me, join me on Tumblr at lollercakesff. Much love.


	8. Chapter 8

This hadn't been the plan. In her head, the news trickled out as observant eyes noticed the difference in her clothes, her stature, or hell, even her mood. She'd expected a surprised razzing or general indifference - like Kay's response back in December which had been surprisingly judgement free for the man. But this wasn't anything like that. This was worse. So much worse.

"What the hell, Jyn?" Leia shouts as she bursts into the curtained room, her hands on her hips and her cheeks flushed. Behind her, Han hovers at the door, leaning against the jam like he couldn't give two shits for what had landed her in the hospital. Jyn sits up on the examination bed, panic lacing through her at the sight of her friend standing angrily in her doorway. "Callie called me, said you fell during your kickboxing class and were at the hospital. And here you are and you haven't even bothered to tell any of us? What did you break apart from your ego?"

"It was just a fluke. I lost my balance," she answers quickly, trying to diffuse the tension in the room.

"And that put you in an ambulance? I've seen you walk out of that gym with crutches and a black eye and be perfectly fine. I'm calling bullshit. You've been acting weird for months and this is just the final tipping point. Tell me what's going on," she demands, coming to her bedside and sitting with a huff in the chair at her side. Jyn shifts on the mattress and chews the inside of her cheek, annoyed that she hadn't been discharged before word got back to her friends. Though she was, secretly, thankful that the hospital hadn’t called Chirrut as her emergency contact.  _ That  _ she couldn’t live down, especially not after their lunch the other day that had been almost an hour of chastising for not telling them sooner about the kid. 

"It's nothing. I'm fine," she attempts and Leia, for all her social graces, can't help rolling her eyes as Han curses and steps towards the bed.

"Look kid, you've got her all riled up and if you don't tell her the truth she's gonna tear you limb from limb. Trust me," Han urges, brows lifted for emphasis.

"It's just - "

"Oh for fucks sakes," Leia bursts. The woman is off her seat in a flash, grabbing the chart from the foot of her bed and flipping through the pages. Jyn keeps silent, her arms wrapping around herself protectively as she tries not to freak out. This isn't how she pictured it. This wasn't it at all and now things were spinning out of control and she didn't know how to salvage it. "Jyn?" Leia breaks into her thoughts, her voice raspy.

"What is it? What's wrong with ya?" Han grumbles, stepping minutely closer. Jyn shifts on the bed and steels herself to face them, her expression turning cold as Leia looks back up at her with concern. 

"Is this for real?" Leia asks, her gaze unwavering. Jyn only scowls, sitting up straighter.

"Is what real? Come on, you gotta - "

"Out!" Leia shouts as Han reaches for the chart and she slaps his hand away. His expression sours and he reaches again before Leia puts a hand on his chest and pushes him towards the door. "Out. Give us a minute. Go get a snack or something - "

"Jyn, come on, you know I'm gonna find out anyways - "

"Han, if you don't leave right this minute my legs are closed for a month," Leia hisses and it's like a bulb lights over his head, his eyes widening. Holding up his hands in defence, he backs away from them and steps out into the hallway. When he's gone, Leia turns to her with a neutral look, face schooled into a mask of indifference. "Are you crazy? Are you pulling some incomprehensible scam on the doctors right now? Because this chart does not describe the Jyn I know."

"What does that mean?" Jyn counters darkly, readying for a fight. She'd known this was coming at some point, she'd just expected it more from Kay than from Leia.

"It means that if this is true, and you are knocked up, that you've got some serious fucking explaining to do," Leia growls, coming to sit on the edge of her mattress.

"Why do I have to explain anything? It's my body and I can - "

"Be a moron with it?" Leia snaps. Jyn feels the words like a slap, her whole body tensing.

"I made one mistake - "

"Try several - "

"No! Leia, you need to back the fuck off or leave. I'm having this kid and you don't get to - "

"You're having a kid?" Han breaks in from the hallway, his head poking around the door frame quickly.

"Han! I swear to god - " Leia interjects, snapping her fingers at him.

"Don't give me that. You're being the uncaring asshole you always accuse me of being. Jyn is trying to tell you what's going on and you're talking over her and missing the point so shut up and listen to her or you're gonna regret it, princess," he finishes, stepping into the room until he's nearly at Jyn's bedside. Jyn watches as the couple exchange a few looks, an unspoken conversation happening within seconds that has Leia rolling her shoulders back and taking a deep breath.

"Okay. Fine. Tell me why I shouldn't flip out on you for spending the last few… " She pauses, running her finger down the chart until she finds what she's looking for. "Almost 5 months, drinking and likely permanently fucking this kid's life up." 

Jyn looks up at that, her expression hardened but confused. Was Leia not… Angry about the pregnancy? Was this not about her throwing her life away? She was confused. 

"I haven't drank since I found out in October," Jyn answers, threading her fingers together. 

"I've seen you drink heavily on three occasions - "

"You haven't," Jyn responds sharply, doing her best to keep her anger out of her voice.

"Bodhi's birthday, Christmas, and last weekend at Shara's."

"Well, to start, I wasn't at Bodhi's birthday because I had morning sickness all the time. I told everyone it was the flu. Then at Christmas I pretended to drink when really Cassian was covering - "

"I knew it was fishy you didn't finish the G&T!" Han blurts, his finger wagging in surprised justification as Leia rolls her eyes.

"And last weekend, I brought the wine but didn't drink any of it. Shara gave me cranberry juice instead. Satisfied?" Jyn pauses, looking between the two. Han shrugs and defers to Leia, the woman unblinking in her review of the facts. 

"Fine. So no drinking then. Good. I'd have to crack your thick skull open if I was right. That said, how come I'm the last to find out? Are you still undecided on keeping it? Worried I'll... what? Make a scene about the benefits of adoption or something?" 

Jyn pauses, taking in the woman's tight expression and her posture. She was clearly holding back on something and Jyn couldn't quite put her finger on it, the tension still thick between them.

"Technically, Han and Chewie - well, eventually Chewie - are the last." Leia nods and turns her hands over in her lap, adjusting her legs before looking back at her.

"I see. I guess we aren't as close as I thought," Leia murmurs and in a blink she's getting to her feet, abruptly heading towards the door before Han grabs her arm and tugs her back. Jyn watches as the couple share a few whispered words, her brow furrowed as she watches Leia stand with her hands on her hips. She couldn't figure out what exactly was happening, the woman's reaction making her worry that she'd committed an unforgivable sin. Another minute passes and eventually Leia sits down again, rubbing her forehead with her fingers as she sighs. "Why don't you tell me everything from the beginning. Maybe start with who the father is while Han goes and finds your doctor to get you released?"

"On it," Han says and turns on his heel to head to the door. He stops when he reaches it, turning back with a wide smile on his lips. "Before I forget - congratulations. You're gonna make a hell of a mom."

"Thanks," Jyn says with a smile, ducking her chin and looking briefly at her hands. 

When the man is gone and she's left with Leia sitting patiently at her side, Jyn recounts everything that's happened since she took the first pregnancy test. She doesn't gloss over any of it, not how she found out, or her fight with Cassian, or even the lengths she's gone to in order to hide her state. As she finishes with the events of the day - the failed roundhouse kick that had her landing on her stomach - Leia nods and reaches out to wrap her hand around Jyn's, her expression soft. 

"You could have just saved yourself the drama and told us all at the start, you know," Leia says, watching as Jyn shifts on the bed. 

"I couldn't though. I had to make a lot of decisions before today and I didn't want everyone sharing their opinions on my life. I wanted to make the choices I wanted to make, not the choices others wanted me to make," she responds to Leia's nod.

"I get that. I just - I would have been there for your appointments. I know how intense those places can be," Leia finishes lowly, looking down at her fingers as they fiddle with the hem of her shirt.

"What are you saying, Leia?" Jyn prompts, opening the door to whatever it was that was holding her friend back. She couldn't just ignore the bright warning signs hanging over her friend, that wasn't who she was, not before and not now.

"Han and I… We made the other choice, a while ago. Well, I made the choice and when they wouldn't let me leave after without someone to look after me I had to call Han and come clean so he'd drive me home. He didn't fault me for it and we've never really looked back so it's not a bad thing. It's just something that happened." Jyn watches as Leia twists the rings on her fingers, the nervous twitch evident in the quiet room. She tries not to let the confession get to her, steeling herself against the tears that irrationally well up. Leia understood and she'd written her off just like she'd written off the others. 

She'd made a mistake. A foolish, childish mistake.

"I'm sorry you didn't feel you could tell me until now. I would have come with you," Jyn offers, forcing her voice to steady when all it wants to do is waver.

"I know. Look, I'm sorry you've had to do this alone so far - "

"Oh…" Jyn interrupts, her brow furrowing with the realization. "I guess I haven't really?" Jyn pauses, thinking how she should word her next sentence. 

Leia, out of everyone she knew, was the only one who actually had any glimpse into Jyn's feelings about her relationship with Cassian. She'd been there as Jyn had denied it, again and again, only to see Jyn's smile slip when Cassian showed up with another girl. She'd witnessed Jyn's silent revolt, her reassurance that she was fine despite the way it made her wilt pathetically like a dying flower. No, Jyn hadn't come outright and said it, but Leia knew. 

Which means she also knew how delicate - how  _ complicated  _ \- the balance beam Jyn was walking was.

"No, you wouldn't be, would you?" Leia responds and sighs, squeezing her hand tighter. 

Silence spans out between them and soon Han is returning with a nurse who looks at her chart and asks a few more questions before disappearing to get the attending. Another half hour passes and her release paperwork is ready, signing her out with a follow up appointment later in the week.

"And Ms Erso, please refrain from attempting anymore kicks requiring you to balance on one foot. Let's keep both feet on the ground until this pregnancy is over, alright?" The doctor bids as a parting joke, Han left chuckling in the doorway as Jyn nods quickly.

The next hour passes in a blur as she gets dressed and collects her things, saying a small thanks to Leia for coming after all since she wasn't sure how she had planned to get home. Thankfully, Han insists on driving her back to campus where she's deposited at the front of her building with reassurances that she could call them for anything she needed.

It's only hours later, after she's showered and checked the slight bruising on her side, that Jyn checks her phone and finds three missed calls and a handful of texts. 

_ Heads up - Han rat you out to Cassian and Bodhi  _ \- Leia, 6:38pm

Jyn flicks through the other messages, some concerned, others downright panicked, before she picks up the phone and calls Bodhi.

"Yeah I figured you were fine. They wouldn't have let you go if something was wrong. Next time though, save us all the worry and tell us what's up?" Bodhi requests evenly, his voice measured through the line. 

"I will. Just - shit, someone is at the door. I'll text you later."

"Tell Cassian hi for me," Bodhi says and Jyn readies to deny it but comes up short when she unlocks the door and finds the man in question on the other side. She nearly drops her phone as he reaches for her, his arms wrapping quickly around her like he was a man drowning and she was the only buoy for fifty miles. 

"I'm fine," she mumbles into his chest, her face tilted up to see his tight expression.

"Clearly. But I needed to see for myself." His arms slip until his hands find her waist, his body pulling back slightly to look her over. "No visible bruising, no broken limbs - " he slides a hand to her belly and holds his fingers to her pulse dramatically. "All still good under the hood?"

"That line is the worst," Jyn mocks, pulling back with a laugh and a shake of her head. "Doctors gave me the all clear and I've got a follow up in a couple of days. It's fine. Apparently it's normal to be shit at balance when you've got a basketball growing under your shirt."

"Right,” Cassian says as she pulls away, walking further into her room as he follows in behind her. He leans against the storage cabinet along her wall and watches her silently, his brow furrowed as she cocks her head at him. 

“What? Do I have something on my face?” She turns and bends over to look in her desk’s mirror. The movement must raise her shirt enough that the bruise on her torso is visible because it only takes a minute for Cassian to make a sound, his jaw clenched as she turns back to face him. “It’s fine - I’m fine,” she reassures, tugging her shirt down as he rubs a hand over his face. 

“I know. I see Miss Independent trying to play it off like it’s no big deal that she wound up in the fucking hospital and didn’t bother to tell anyone - “ 

“Cassian - “ Jyn attempts and he raises his hand, closing his eyes for a second before standing up to his full height. 

“No, Jyn. I’m pissed off and I’m allowed to be right now. You didn’t call. You didn’t text  _ any _ of us. I don’t even care that it’s not me - “ 

“Sure you don’t,” she snaps and Cassian nearly growls as he steps closer, his body near vibrating with the tension rolling through him. She knew this posture. Knew what it meant and how he needed to release the valve on his frustration before he could think rationally again. And while she knew everything about it, she couldn’t remember the last time it was directed at her and not the injustices of the world and that realization made her palms sweat and her mouth go dry. 

“You aren’t doing this in a vacuum and you need to stop pretending like you’re doing this on your own. You have friends who care about you. People who would give their life for you, if you asked, and you’re pretending like this whole thing is just a blip on your radar. Like we don’t need to be worried that you’re doing all of this alone. We  _ are _ worried. We need to trust that if something happens - if, Gods forbid - you get injured, you’ll call us,” he steps closer, his eyes locked on hers as she dares not blink. 

“It sounds like all my ‘friends’ are having a shit-tonne of conversations about me without even bothering to talk to me about how I fit into all of this and frankly, that pisses me off. You know why? Because I  _ am _ doing this alone. You’re not pushing this kid out of your vag and Bodhi isn’t letting this thing suckle off his tit when it’s born so really unless that changes, I’m going to need everyone to get the fuck out of my business and let me do what I know is best for me. It’s not your kid, Cassian, you don’t get to tell me how bad at pregnancy I am,” she snaps, her chest almost heaving with unsaid words. In turn, Cassian rolls his eyes and squeezes the bridge of his nose, exhaling the breath he’d been holding. 

“We’re not - I’m not saying that. I’m trying to get it through your thick skull that you don’t need to keep acting like we’re not here for you. Leia was there, was she not? And Bodhi called, didn’t he? And I’m fucking standing here, asking you to please just… Tell us when something is going on. Tell us what’s happening so we don’t have to worry every night that you’ve fallen in the shower or up the stairs or something ridiculous that you didn’t bother to tell us about. Just talk to us, Jyn, that’s all I’m asking. We’re your friends. Let us be there for you.” 

She lets his words hang between them, her arms crossed over her chest and her gaze turned down towards her toes. She didn’t want to give in but he was right. Her friends had been nothing but supportive since finding out and though it killed her to admit it, she had to let them in or she’d go crazy doing this all on her own. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispers eventually, her voice barely loud enough to hear over her racing heart. 

“You don’t need to apologize for anything. Just tell me next time something happens you’ll tell someone.” His head ducks until he’s caught her eye, a half-smile playing at his lips. She hates that her knees feel weak with it, her body thrumming back to life with the small compromise. 

“Fine. Next time I do something stupid you all will get a group text to mock me.” He laughs at that and steps closer, tugging her into his arms. She goes willingly because to resist the pull of him would be impossible, her frame settling easily against his. 

“You’re going to be the death of me,” he mutters as his arms lock behind her back, the tension slowly leaving his body as he sighs with it. 

“You could always stop caring so much, you know,” she says into his chest. His arms only tighten, his head tucking into the crux of her shoulder. 

“That’s not even an option and you know it.” 

She does know it and the thought of that, of Cassian really, truly caring for her, makes her heart flip flop in her chest. Why couldn’t she just tell him? Why couldn’t she ask, see if it was more than just friendship between them? 

Oh, right. Because the kid wasn’t his and she still needed to call Scott Melshi and finally come clean. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Tuesday it's Tuesday and I've been awake since 3am! Please bear with me. I am exhausted. I hope you all are doing well though, thank you for continuing on this adventure with me, it's so heartwarming to see your little thoughts and musings as I go - they make me get the warm and fuzzies inside with each one! Let me know what you think of this one... We're starting to round in the real drama of it all now. 71,700~ words and counting!


	9. Chapter 9

She shows up to the tiny cafe wearing her biggest sweater and a pair of leggings to make it seem like she was doing it for the style, rather than the necessity of hiding her growing bump. 

The past month had been long and brisk, the weeks since her fall in class growing increasingly more difficult as she gave up exercising to appease her doctors and Leia’s subtle judgement.  _ But you can still go for walks and do gentle yoga _ , the doctors had said at her appointment, effectively eliminating all of the outlets she’d once relied on to steady her mind when things got to be too much. Now all she had were slow stretching and ice escapades and it wasn’t enough. Especially not with the workload she had in her final semester, the parenting classes Cassian was dragging her to, and Bodhi’s ever present voice in the back of her head reminding her that she had to tell Scott that he was probably the father of her kid. 

It hadn’t been Bodhi, or Cassian, or even Chirrut and Baze’s gentle harassment that had made her finally get her act together and call Scott. In the most unsuspecting turn of events for her, it had been Kay who had finally been the straw that broke the camel's back. 

_ “You know, infant death in the first month is four times more likely in single parent households than those with both parents present,” Kay says absently, not even bothering to look up from his laptop as he sits at Cassian’s dining table. Jyn’s head snaps up at the comment, confusion flooding her at the thought.  _

_ They hadn’t even been talking about statistics on single parents, or about whether she should finally come clean and tell Scott. The comment was so out of the blue that even Cassian looked up from his studies to give the man a look.  _

_ “I’m sorry?” Jyn asks from her place on the couch, her notes spread haphazardly around her. She’d come over to study, desperate to get out of her dorm and see humans in between her crushing course load and classes, and Cassian had offered to cook dinner if she brought the groceries. It had been a solid deal. Or so she’d thought. She hadn’t expected Kay to be here and when she’d arrived and he’d answered the door, well, by then it had been too late to run back home to avoid him.  _

_ Kay and her weren’t on the best of terms, to say the least. His communication style needed some serious work and too often she felt like he was throwing her under the bus, the frequency of it making her doubt they were actually friends at all. Cassian had assured her that the experience was just Kay being Kay but she knew that it was probably more than that. That maybe Kay was being a dick because she’d found a place in Cassian’s life and he was no longer Cassian’s only friend. _

_ “I said - “  _

_ “No, I heard what you said. Why are you saying it?” Jyn snaps, leaning forward as Kay finally looks up from his laptop.  _

_ “Before you arrived, Cassian and I were discussing the reality of your situation and the likelihood that you would involve the child’s father. I thought it pertinent that you learn the statistics of absentee fathers and their impact on children. Were you aware that single-parent households have children which are 47% more likely to live in poverty?”  _

_ “Kay, leave it alone,” Cassian murmurs, looking between the two. Jyn chews the inside of her cheek, biting back the bitter words that she wanted to hurl at the man.  _

_ “She is nearly in her third trimester. If she does not rectify the situation now, it is unlikely that she will ever inform the father and then - “  _

_ “And then what? The kid dies because I’m statistically likely to let it suffocate in its crib because I’m a shitty parent and we’re probably going to live in some rundown impoverished dump?” Jyn seethes, angrily collecting her papers and shoving them into her backpack. She needed to leave before she outright punched him.  _

_ “It’s not a guarantee. I’m just informing you of the statistics so that you stop dithering over whether to involve the father. You’re not stupid, Jyn Erso, you know what is the best course of action. You just need to do it.”  _

_ Jyn looks up at Cassian then, her heart in her throat as she tries to formulate a biting response. It’s just, when she sees the look on his face she knows that Kay is right. She couldn’t just keep putting it off, or avoiding it, or pretending like this wasn’t happening. She had to give him the chance to get involved or she’d never do it and this kid would never know its father and she would be the reason.  _

Now she was sitting in this shitty cafe, a hot chocolate nearly finished before her and a half-eaten croissant pulled into pieces on her plate by anxious hands that couldn’t settle as each minute passed after four. 

_ He there yet? _ \- Cassian, 4:18pm 

_ No. Is it wrong to hope he secretly doesn’t show? _ \- Jyn, 4:18pm

_ Kinda, but I’m not judging you for it. When you’re done, feel free to drop a latte on your way home. This essay is killing me _ \- Cassian, 4:20pm 

She’s in the middle of replying when the chair at her table scrapes along the floor and Scott’s lumbering frame settles in across from her. His smile widens as she looks up at him, his brown eyes alight with the biting humour that had first drawn her to say yes when he asked her out. 

In the history of their relationship, Scott and her had gone on approximately five dates. She would describe them as ‘approximately’ because by all accounts the fifth one - the one where she left halfway through - nearly didn’t count. They hadn’t fought that day. But they also hadn’t been kind to one another. Dates One to Three were easy, dinner and drinks and a quick romp in the sheets. Date Four had been a bit of a mess and if she had to pinpoint any of those nights for the situation she was in now, well Date Four would be  _ it _ . She had thought they used protection, had been sure of it, but she’d also had a bit to drink and had at some point during the night asked if she could call Cassian to come and get her from the party they’d attended. 

Date Four had been the mess that had made Date Five a painful ultimatum and one that she hadn’t been willing to make. He’d asked her to give up Cassian for him and she’d told him to fuck off and that had been that. 

Or she’d thought. 

Now she was sitting across from him at a cafe on the other side of campus so that she didn’t have to pretend every time she came in here that the public display of misery they were about to put on was something she was okay with reliving every day. 

“So, ready for a second attempt?” Scott says after a minute, leaning forward with his elbows on the table to run his eyes up and down her frame. 

“Not particularly. But, I am pregnant and I’m fairly certain it’s yours,” Jyn replies evenly and if she could fuel the world on blindsided shock, she’s sure that the current moment could power an entire continent. 

She’d thought about how she was going to have this conversation. Her and Bodhi and Luke had spent almost an hour practicing what she would say, all of the different lines that she could use or expect from the man and how she could react. The day had left her feeling miserable, drained, and she’d hidden herself away in her dorm with a pint of ice cream to try to mentally ready herself for this. 

She still wasn’t ready but she couldn’t put it off anymore. She was starting to noticeably show and the guys in her class were bound to start paying attention and then inevitably word would get back to others in her faculty and Scott would find out and she’d be fucked. She had to do it now.

“Say again?” Scott sputters, his eyes wide and his lips forming a straight line. Jyn sits forward at the request and sighs, clasping her hands together over the tabletop. 

“I’m five months pregnant and you’re the only one who fits the timeline,” she states, like it was exasperating her to loop him in on this. In return, Scott offers a snort, rolling his eyes and sitting back in his chair with his arms crossing tightly over his chest. 

“Really? Is this a joke?” Jyn shakes her head and leans back, running her hand over the front of her sweater to reveal her growing belly. When she looks back up at Scott’s face he’s white, his whole being nearly devoid of any semblance of life. But then he blinks and sits up, hands spreading out on the table. “Shit,” he murmurs and she watches as his hands clench, her own mind racing at the way the information processes through him. 

“I know. I didn’t know what I was going to do at first but then I decided to keep it and I’ve been trying to get up the courage to - “ 

“You’re sure it’s mine? Not that Andor guy?” He interjects, his voice breaking slightly. She feels the words like a slap, her face stinging with embarrassment.

“He’s my friend - we’ve never - that doesn’t matter. It’s yours. I’m sure of it,” she flounders nervously, forcing herself to steady as she remembers the points she’d worked on with Bodhi. “I’m not telling you to try to - “ 

“How are you so sure? Or am I just the richest guy - “

“Oh, don’t go that fucking route,” Jyn grumbles, rubbing her face brusquely before sitting up more fully. “If you don’t believe me we can get a test. I’m just - I’m not trying to come after you for anything. But this kid - this kid deserves to know their father and I won’t deprive them of that just because I was too afraid to tell you.” 

“So you don’t want anything from me?” He replies too quickly for her comfort. This wasn’t going the way she’d planned. This wasn’t working. 

“No,” she responds slowly, watching as he gets to his feet and grabs his coat off the chair. He pulls it quickly over his shoulders and yanks the zipper up, his cheeks flushed. Panic spills through her and she has to force herself to stay rooted in her seat, her instinct to go to him, to hold onto him until he stayed and just sat and  _ listened _ , losing out to her determination not to beg. She would not beg, ever. 

“Good. I’ll get the test. I’m not getting involved unless it’s actually mine. I don’t need this kind of drama in my life - “ 

“Just go already,” Jyn hisses, the hurt and anger swirling within her as his rejection stings. She hadn’t even - she didn’t even  _ want _ him in her life. She didn’t want his input, or to consider his wants or preferences. She just didn’t want her kid to grow up without a dad and she couldn’t even make that happen. 

“I’ll text you the details,” he says dismissively as he turns away and heads quickly out of the cafe doors. 

Jyn slumps in her seat and presses her fingertips into her eyes, begging herself not to cry as she tries to rally for whatever came next. She’d not expected it to go well, per se, but she hadn’t expected it to go like  _ this _ . Her heart hurt and her head spun and she didn’t know what she was even doing here anymore, why she’d decided to keep it after everything she’d struggled through already. She could have picked the easier option and she would have never been left alone in a cafe having told someone they were now permanently linked to her life and have them reject it so forcefully. 

It doesn’t take long for the pain to twist in her gut and transform into anger, her whole body shivering with it as she gets to her feet and orders a latte from the counter. 

If Scott didn’t want to be part of her life, well, she’d give up trying to make it happen. Maybe she wouldn’t do the test. Maybe she’d just freeze him out and go it alone, better to be safe than sorry that she involved someone who clearly didn’t think she was enough of a person to even give the barest hint of trust to. 

She could still leave - no. She couldn’t. Her friends wouldn’t let her and Chirrut and Baze would track her down and send Cassian to drag her home and she’d never live it down. 

“Fuck,” she growls as she walks along the icy sidewalk towards Cassian’s apartment. The rage carries her up the stairs and to his door in almost record time, her whole being vibrating and ready to tear something limb from limb as she knocks and waits for him to answer. 

When he does it’s like the dam breaks and all of her composure, her anger, everything she’s pent up inside of her comes apart in one fell swoop. She lunges towards him, curling into his arms as he stumbles back a step with the impact. 

“I guess it didn’t go well,” he murmurs as he closes the door, setting the drink on the counter as he steers them inside the apartment. His hands are gentle as they slip through her hair and around under the back of her coat, pulling her close to his chest. “Shh, Jyn, it’s going to be fine,” he soothes and it’s only then she realizes that she must have been making the strangled noises she’d thought were only in her head. 

“He didn’t believe me,” she croaks into his neck, holding on for dear life. She needed this. Needed his comfort, his understanding - anything that would make it seem like everything wasn’t about to fall off the rails.

“He’ll come around - “ 

“I don’t  _ want _ him to fucking come around. I needed him to just trust me and not be such an asshole but he couldn’t help himself.” Her words shake as they burn up her throat and she wishes they didn’t have to talk about this. She wishes she’d never gone to that cafe in the first place. 

Cassian didn’t know the history between her and Scott. Sure, he knew they’d been out a few times, and that she’d broken it off, but she’d never told him the reason  _ why _ she’d had to end it. That Cassian was the reason - that she’d refused to give him up and had traded a relationship with someone to keep her best friend. Maybe that was a sign, or some hint at the reality of what she felt and she just refused to see it. She hadn’t wanted to think about it then and instead she’d told him she’d just lost interest, that he hadn’t been that interesting after all. Now it was coming back to bite her in the ass and she was bitter, wishing she had told Cassian everything at the start instead of pretending like Scott wasn’t an asshole to begin with who was making her choose. Maybe it would have changed things for them back then. 

“You’re just upset. I get it - but it will be - “ 

“Stop giving me false platitudes Cassian, please. I’m so tired with all of this shit. I don’t want to think anymore,” she moans into his chest, her body tight with tears and frustration. “I just need you to be on my side right now. Can you just pretend like I’m right for once?” 

“I’m always on your side,” he answers, his eyes searching hers as he pauses. Eventually, he sighs at seeing her resolve and presses a kiss to her forehead, his hands lifting to cup her chin and tilt her up to face him.“ _ Siempre, mi querida _ ,” he whispers and it’s so soft, so tender, that Jyn can’t fight herself anymore. 

Fuelled by pure instinct, she lifts up on her toes and kisses him, all crashing teeth and faux urgency as she presses herself against him and feels the relief flood through her for a minute at the taste of him. For that drawn out second he stands still, shocked, before he shifts back a step and meets her hooded eyes with his own. “Jyn,” he breathes, hesitant but somehow still leaning towards her. 

Internally she recoils, the pause making her cheeks burn in embarrassment. Didn’t he want this too? Or had she just imagined it after all these months and the hormones making her think they actually had something together? She must have imagined it. She hadn’t thought this through. Not really. And now she'd gone and put her foot so thoroughly in it that it was stuck.

Stars, maybe it wasn’t even about his feelings or what she'd thought she'd seen? Maybe he actually just found her unattractive now that she was showing? She couldn’t blame him. Her body was a mess and she was barely keeping it together as it changed and revolted against the way it used to be. Nobody would want her. Not like this. Especially not with another man’s kid. How could they when she was falling apart at the seams? 

What had she done? What was she even doing here? Why had she just  _ done that _ ?

The doubt barrels in and she jerks back further, horror colouring her features as she looks away and shakes his hands loose from where they still cling to her. There’s a roaring in her head and she’s not sure if it’s her heartbeat or her breathing or just the sound of her whole world crashing down around her. Regardless of what it is, Jyn is spinning on her heel and bolting for the door before she even has a chance to think about what she’s done and how she’s ruined the one good thing in her life. 

“Jyn, wait!” Cassian shouts down the hallway as she runs, his curse following her into the staircase. 

She makes it out onto the street and keeps it together long enough to make it back to her dorm, her phone ringing non-stop as she traverses the 20-minute route. Inside her room she finally lets herself fully, truly, fall apart. 

Scott didn’t want anything to do with his kid. Cassian didn’t want anything to do with her. She’d made all the wrong choices and now she was going to be stuck with them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!! I'm sorry to leave it at a cliff hanger but there are REASONS. Maybe not the best ones, but they're still there. And this might be a bad time to tell you but I'm away next week so I will try my very best to get the Tuesday chapter posted but it might be late etc. Tell me what you're thinking. Tell me what's going on in your heads! Is it too soon? Not soon enough?


	10. Chapter 10

"Jyn! Open the door!" Cassian's voice rings through the metal, his knocks having finally ceased after almost ten minutes of bombardment. She will beat his patience this time, she convinces herself as she pulls the pillow tight over her ears. He was just going to have to go away and forget she ever knew him. "I'm not leaving until - "

"You're disturbing the other residents. You need to leave," Carla's voice breaks in and Jyn looks up, her blood running cold at the image of Cassian finally letting his true feelings for the woman scorch the earth around her. She couldn’t let that happen - not when her housing depended on it. 

Bolting to the door, Jyn rips it open and pulls Cassian's arm until he's stumbling into the small space. When she looks back, her RA is standing with her hands on her hips, a scowl flushing her cheeks. Apparently Cassian had managed a few choice words before she’d pulled him inside and now she was fucked here too. Why was everything choosing today to fall apart? 

"I'm filing a formal report. You'll receive a summons to the Residency Board by the end of the week," Carla hisses before turning on her heel and marching down the hallway. She couldn’t lose this place - she couldn’t afford an apartment. Not now. Jyn feels the threat hit her, feels the impact and the sting, and it makes her want to curl up and cry. 

But she can't because Cassian is standing in her room, confused, pained, and a bit windswept from the rush to her dorm after she ran from his place like she was an Olympic speed walker.

"The board won't do anything," Cassian says quickly, breaking the tense silence. His hands flicker out in front of him, expressive, before he pulls them back under control and sets them pointedly on his hips. She feels like she’s about to be scolded, her heart rate rising as she mentally readies to roll over and give in. 

"Honestly? Carla is the least of my problems right now," she says and then pauses, forcing herself to breathe. The image from his apartment flickers in her mind’s eye, flashing like a strobe. She'd kissed him. She'd kissed him and then fled because he didn't want her. She’d kissed him and it had been a mistake she couldn’t take back. She had to fix this now before there was no hope and their friendship was ruined. "Look, Cassian, I want to apologize for earlier. I was acting like I was losing my mind and it was a mistake. Scott threw me off balance and I was flush with hormones and - I mean to say, can you forgive me for a moment of temporary insanity? I shouldn’t have - "

"No," he responds sharply, interrupting her apology and forcing her to retreat inwardly as her stomach drops. She can’t bear to look at him. Can’t even pretend to sneak a glance when all she wants is to disappear and never come back. 

“The meeting with Scott fucked me up but I shouldn't have let it get to me. I behaved irrationally and - “ Jyn continues lowly, ashamed at her behaviour. Why couldn’t she just disappear right now? 

She feels him moving before she sees it, his hands lifting to her chin and stopping her words dead in their tracks. When his eyes catch hers it’s like lightning is snapping through her veins and she can do nothing but stay frozen to the spot. In the periphery of her gaze she sees him pause, his tongue darting out to wet his lips as his thumbs graze her cheekbones. He’s so close -  _ so close _ \- and she wishes he would just - 

The kiss is nothing like the brutal attack she’d launched on him earlier, his approach softer, more tentative as though he wasn’t sure it was the right thing to do either. When his lips just barely connect with hers the touch is featherlight and so, so soft that in her memory she’d look back and wonder if the kiss had even happened at all. 

“You’re not forgiven because there’s nothing to forgive,” he whispers as his palms cradle her chin, his nose bumping into her own as he shifts closer. Inside she’s tumbling - down and around and spinning until she’s nearly dizzy with it. She wonders then why he’s waiting. Why he isn’t returning her earlier fervor after chasing her across campus. 

“Cassian,” she breathes, prompting him as she's unwilling to break the bubble around them but desperate to bridge the gap that still lies between them. She needed to know if this was something more or if it was all in her head. 

She gets her answer as he hums and ducks once more to capture her lips with his, the move more sure, more driven, than she could expect. His fingers manage to creep up to the back of her head as his lips work and his tongue runs along the seam of her lips. Granting him entry, Jyn nearly moans as he presses himself against her and tugs her closer to his chest. 

She'd never thought it would feel like this, like her whole world was vibrating as she leaned into him. It was glorious, it was centering, and she never, ever, wanted it to stop.

Teeth nip and mouths meet as his gentle hands turn to desperate clutches, her own fingers finally reaching up to cling to the back of his neck. She holds on for dear life as he deepens the kiss, one hand sliding down to her lower back before he creeps it up along the skin of her waist. 

The touch drags her back to reality as she pulls away with a gasp, breath heaving in her chest as she looks up at him in shock. He only smiles, a flicker of something in his eyes as she tries to figure out what this all means. What were they doing? She must have walked into a wormhole to another galaxy, somewhere where she wasn’t knocked up and he  _ understood _ the ravenous feelings bursting inside of her. 

“This was - “ She gasps, chaotic thoughts warring in her head. 

“Gods help me, if you say this was a mistake…” He interjects, his chest forcing out a strangled laugh that feels like it’s come from the razor’s edge. 

“I was going to say ‘unexpected’,” she responds, glancing up at him before looking away. What were they supposed to do now? They were on uneven ground, bound to trip and break if they weren’t careful. Stars, she needed to be careful or else it would all come crashing down around her and she'd be abandoned once more. “So what do we do now?” She asks after a moment of silence, palms starting to sweat. She knew what she  _ wanted _ \- his hands everywhere, that damn tongue of his between her legs - but she couldn’t ask for that now. It was too bold, too on the nose for what she really wanted and he couldn’t possibly understand the hunger that was roaring to life after being fed for the first time.

“I think we keep doing what we were doing but maybe over there,” he adds, motioning towards her bed. She gulps and looks at it quickly before the heat flushes in her cheeks. “And maybe we don’t decide what this is until we’ve had a minute to think and we’re both not so on edge. What do you say?” 

“So you don’t want to stop and talk about it?” She counters, caught off guard by the suggestiveness of his words. 

“I do, Gods know I do, but I also know  _ you _ and I don’t want you to think that I want to stop and have a chat about what this means because you think I’ll change my mind. Right now all I care about is that you know - really  _ know _ \- how much I want you. Your mind, your heart, your body and your damn left hook - all of it. We can figure out the details later if - if you actually want  _ me _ ,” he finishes uncertainly, as though the thought was just hitting him that maybe she was wavering on what her kiss had suggested. 

“Fine then. I only have one condition: I need us to still be friends after. I mean, after whatever happens,” Jyn whispers in return, her arms crossing over her chest as she shifts on her feet. She couldn’t believe this was happening, that she wasn’t dreaming this insanity. Was she doing this? Were they actually - was this real?

“I’ll always be your friend,” he answers softly, as though he needed her to understand that on the most basic level. "We don't have to decide anything now. We don't have to even do anything now, if you don't want to - "

"That's the thing. I really  _ do _ want to, with you." She looks back up at him then, his features soft and his expression searching. When he steps closer, she doesn’t step back and soon his hands are tugging hers from her arms, his fingers linking between her own. 

“Me too. I have for a long time,” he adds and it makes her stomach flutter, her insides swooping as she tries not to jump him right then. She’d been so afraid to say, to  _ do _ anything, and now he was saying these things and she was agreeing and had she only an hour ago been getting shut down by the father of her child? Everything felt like a whirlwind and out of control and she didn’t care. 

She didn’t  _ care _ . 

Because Cassian was here and he said ‘ _ how much I want you _ ’ and ‘ _me too_ ’ and the screeching inside of her head at the rejection seems duller as he crowds into her space and offers her the belonging she craves right down in the center of her soul. 

He leads her back towards her bed, his heels bumping the frame before he drops down onto the mattress and looks up at her. She hesitates, her whole body vibrating, before she climbs onto her knees beside him. Seizing the upper hand, she leans towards him and presses her lips to his, nearly falling onto him as his fingers slip between hers on his chin. The position is awkward, unbalanced, and when he deepens the kiss with his fist in her hair she topples over onto him like a graceless Humpty Dumpty. 

“Sorry!” She grumbles, working to disentangle herself as fast as she can. Cassian growls and grabs for her hands, holding her wrists together with one hand as he steers her mouth back up to his. Slowly, he guides her body until she’s straddling him, her legs flush over his hips as he returns both hands to their place at her neck, her cheek. Once he’s helped her stabilize, Jyn feels her body relaxing into his embrace, her hands finding purchase on his chest. 

Time disconnects as they shift and explore together, their breaths mixing as lips drift and tongues taste. Jyn’s bulky sweater is the first to go, the yank of it over her head pulling her hair loose and leaving her clad in a t-shirt that clings to her frame in an unflattering look. She wants to cover herself as her breasts spill over the cups of her bra, her belly peeking out from under the hem as the fabric stretches over her growing bump. 

“ _ No hagas eso _ ,” Cassian whispers as she moves to cover herself, her eyes meeting his as he lifts the hem of her shirt. It soon joins the sweater on the floor and she’s left sitting awkwardly atop him, her weird body and it’s changing proportions making her skin flush. Why was he  _ looking _ at her like that? “ _ Eres hermosa _ ,” he murmurs reverently, his gaze scraping over every inch of exposed skin as his hands drift from her shoulders down to her sides before one hand splays across her bump. 

_ Oh _ .  _ It’s good.  _ The realization clicks and she bounces back to herself, desperate to get the upper hand once more. 

“Stop staring,” she grumbles with humour in her voice, determined to not be on display for a moment longer as she leans down and returns her lips to his. He welcomes her with a rush of energy, his hands sliding across her skin and dragging gooseflesh from her with each pass. 

She gives as good as she gets, pulling at his own shirt and forcing him up to sitting as she twists it off his frame. In her move she finds herself wrapped more tightly around him, his hardened length apparent even through his jeans. The feel of it makes her head spin and she rolls her hips instinctively, a small whimper escaping from the back of her throat. 

“Jyn, Jyn,  _ Jyn _ ,” he rambles into her collar, fingers tangled in her waistband as he holds her close. 

“Shh, just kiss me,” she urges in reply, ducking her head to capture his lips again. He groans into her mouth, his whole body surging up towards her as she presses her nails into his back. His tongue slips against hers and all in a rush she feels herself go lightheaded, her breath coming in desperate pants as he pulls her against him. 

She goes, willingly, down onto the mattress as he shifts and pushes her onto her back. His hands slide down her frame and to her hips, pausing at her leggings as he kneels at her side. She gives a quick nod as he silently asks for permission, his hands pulling at the elastic and shedding it off to the side. Without stilling, he reaches for his belt and scrambles out of his jeans until he’s left in his boxer briefs with a wide smile on his face. 

Reaching towards him, Jyn turns onto her side as he comes to lay next to her. She wasn’t quite sure if she was ready for more. If she wanted to go further. The idea of having sex right now, with the kid and with the suddenness of the day and everything that it meant, she didn’t know what it would mean. She didn’t want to fuck it all up. She couldn’t stand the idea of potentially fucking it all up. And yet the thought of this ending, of never knowing what it would feel like, was worse than the possibility of wrecking it all.

“This is good,” he murmurs, his thumb rubbing the furrow from her brow as he pulls her attention from the spin of her own thoughts. “This is okay. It can be enough.” 

“I know. I’m just…” She closes her eyes and when he kisses her it’s like the words have ceased to exist, her heart surging as she shifts closer and deepens the connection once more. 

Before she understands what she’s doing, she’s linked a leg over his hip and has pressed her palms into his chest. Beneath the skin she feels his heart racing, his fingers bruising at her hip as he holds her tightly to him like she was bound to run at any moment. Eventually, she lets one hand slip down his back to grab his ass, his moan breaking their kiss as he ruts responsively against her. The thrill of the pressure between her legs, of his hands touching, exploring everywhere she hasn’t dared let anyone touch in months, is almost too much and she feels herself burning as he grinds against her again. 

It’s not enough and she feels herself turning reckless with want as she, in a moment of frustration, grabs his hand from her hip and pushes it between her legs. He takes the hint and when his fingers slip under the band of her underwear she nearly sobs into his kiss, her body catching fire as he slips one finger, then two, inside of her. For a moment she’s stunned, overwhelmed, his gentle ministrations making her almost come out of her skin as his thumb presses against her clit. 

Not one to be greedy, Jyn runs her fingers over his thigh and down to the front of him, grazing up the side of his length through the thin fabric. He gasps and shivers as she tightens her grip, revelling in the sounds he makes before slipping her hand through the opening and tugging him out into her palm. 

“ _ Mierda _ ,” he grunts, a strangled noise escaping him as she twines her fingers around the tip before sliding them back down. He jerks into her grip and after a minute returns his focus to her kiss, his body somehow closer as he pulls at her hair and thrusts his fingers inside of her. 

She feels the orgrasm building as his lips sink to her neck, her chest, before he mouths as her nipple through the fabric of her bra. It’s almost painful how sensitive it is, the cry escaping her throat as she abandons his length and reaches up to pull the fabric down with a frustrated yank. He laughs against her skin, his lips capturing her fingers quickly before nuzzling back into her chest. When his teeth graze against her breast this time she feels the sting of it down to her center and her head is lost, her thoughts a jumbled mess as she clings to his arm. The muscles shift under her touch, his hand working magic between her thighs as she rises higher and higher like mercury about to break it’s glass. 

It’s the feel of his tip tracing wetness across her leg, of his hot breath floating across her skin and the press of his thumb on her clit. It’s the way he whispers against her neck, how the hair on his chest is just enough to make the nerves in her breasts drive pulsing spikes of heat to her core. It’s the way he returns to her lips, like he was parched and she was a cool drink of water that he needed to survive. 

She comes with a heavy rush flooding her system, the cry silent and somehow still swallowed by him as he chases her muscle spasms until the very last echo. The spurt of his cum across her thigh marks her, sears into her skin like a brand as he tenses and rocks against her. She holds desperately to him through his own release, determined not to move, too afraid that if she did she’d find herself in a dream and not the sweet reality she was floating in now. 

Instead they cling tighter, their lips return to a lazy pace and she huddles closer until her skin is flush against his. 

It’s the nerves rekindling that makes her finally pull away, her insides fluttering as she draws back and looks around the room for some tissue. 

The reality of what’s just happened starts to sink in and her stomach flips, bottoming out as she feels the rash from his beard and his seed spilled across her skin. Her whole body is burning up, anxious, as her insides flicker and jolt like electrified wires. 

“What do you need?” Cassian mumbles sleepily, his hand lifting to her arm and rubbing gently. She couldn’t tell him that she was freaking out. She couldn’t tell him that even her body was starting to panic as a flurry of feelings kicked up in her belly, warning her that she was slipping in over her head. “Tell me and I’ll get it,” he continues, opening his eyes to watch as she shifts again and moves to get up. “No, don’t go just yet - “ 

“I need a tissue!” Jyn blurts, her wide eyes catching his as he rushes to sit up. The look in her eyes must convey something drastic because Cassian scrambles off the bed and into her bathroom, returning with a damp cloth to wipe the semen from her leg in a frenzied rush. Where she might have thought the effort would help, the feeling in her stomach doesn’t go away and the panic truly starts to creep in. 

What if she’d ruined things? What if her body was revolting and she couldn’t - 

“Stop. Whatever path you’re going down, stop,” Cassian breaks in, his palms coming up to bracket her face and center her gaze on him. “We’re fine. I’m still here. I’m still not going anywhere.” 

“My body doesn’t feel right,” she admits tightly, heart pounding and head light. Cassian’s brow furrows and she watches as the fear flickers in his expression, his whole body tensing with her words. 

“What doesn’t feel right? Explain it. We’ve both read the books - tell me what’s happening,” he urges and she can practically feel him recalling every fact he’d consumed since he’d followed her into that clinic all those months ago. 

“It feels - it feels really weird. Like I’ve done something wrong. There’s this feeling like my stomach is tumbling or turning over. I don’t - I don’t know what it is but it doesn’t feel right,” she worries, her effort focusing on keeping the tears at bay as she tries not to fall apart. Cassian cocks his head and shifts his hand to her belly, holding it there for a moment as he watches her face closely. 

“Is it here?” He presses gently, pausing as Jyn shifts and then nods. His smile only grows and he leans in towards her, his lips crashing into hers for a brief kiss before he draws back. “Sometimes your mind - Jyn, it’s kicking. These are kicks, no?” He grabs her hand and draws it to the side of her belly, holding her palm to the skin. The light flutter hits again and this time she feels it inside and out, her gaze widening as she feels it happen again. 

“Is that what that is? I thought it was - “ 

“I’d put money on it,” Cassian says, his eyes watery as she looks up at him and catches him grinning back at her. The look on his face is so giddy, so blatantly excited, that’s it’s nearly contagious. 

“It’s the little bit,” she gasps in surprise, grabbing his hand and pulling it back to her skin as it happens again. She watches as he shakes his head, ducking away and sniffing quickly before looking back at her with an expression that knocks her off balance. It’s a mix of happiness and elation, yes, but there’s something else blended in that makes her reach for him, unable to keep her hands from touching him once more.

They spend the evening together, the thrill of their discovery and the release of her hormones making her finally feel relaxed for the first time in months as he orders take-out and puts a movie on to watch as they curl together on her bed. They don't talk about what's happened, what's next, their communication happening only by touch now. It’s only later, when she’s drifting between waking and asleep, that he shifts below her and pauses his hand’s descent down her spine. 

“What is it?” She asks sleepily, close to unconsciousness. 

“You know, I had a funny dream like this the last time you stayed at mine,” he responds with a chuckle, his chest rumbling below her. 

“It happens to me too,” she hums knowingly, nuzzling into his side.

“You mean, you’ve been having sex dreams about me but were too chicken shit to tell me?” His fingers return to counting her vertebrae and she groans.

“When you can deny that you didn’t get up in the middle of the night to change your pyjamas because of a wet dream Cassian, then we can talk about being chicken shit,” Jyn growls and playfully nips his skin before burrowing back in. 

“You knew about that?” He asks, shocked. She nods against his chest and tries to hide her reddened cheeks from his notice. “Fair enough on the denial front then, I guess we’re both guilty there.”

“We are. Now be quiet because I'm trying to go to sleep and you’ve gotta leave early to go finish that paper,” she adds lightly. Above her, Cassian sighs and presses a kiss to her head as she tries not to think about what happens tomorrow, what this meant for her and  _ them _ and the kid. It meant change, yes, but it meant hope, too, and it’s that thought that carries her finally into sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I'm rolling out for a bit, this chapter is early. I hope you enjoy and that this scene makes up for the cliffy from the last chapter (does it? Please tell me it does, I need emotional validation lol). Much love to you all <3


	11. Chapter 11

_ I've done my part of the test _ \- Rues, 3:48pm

_ Great. What limb do I need to give  _ \- Jyn, 4:20pm

_ I booked you an appointment for tomorrow at 2. I'll send deets  _ \- Rues, 4:25pm

_ I can't make it. Tell me where and I'll set it up myself _ \- Jyn, 4:56pm

_ Too busy?  _ \- Rues, 4:57pm

_ Yes. I've got an appointment then. Don't make this harder than it needs to be  _ \- Jyn, 4:58pm

_ DNAnswers Center, 25 1st street. File is under my name  _ \- Rues, 5:04pm

_ Will confirm when it's done  _ \- Jyn, 5:10pm

She shoves her phone into her bag and huffs out an annoyed breath, her hands running tightly through her hair. 

Tomorrow was her Residence Board meeting and she had no choice but to plead her case and beg for them to keep her record clean. She couldn’t skip it to run off for an appointment that Scott had booked without even asking her - what had he been thinking? 

She’d been so busy trying all week to determine what exactly it was that Carla had on her to make the Board issue such a stern letter for her summons, the wording almost leaping off the page and slapping her with its harshness. She’d even gone so far as to ask her floormates if they’d made any formal reports, their answers coming back vague and confused which only made her  _ more _ worried about the whole thing. 

“They can’t kick you out. You’re basically a human rights case waiting to happen,” Leia says as they walk across campus together after finishing their evening classes. 

“They can and they probably will. Have you seen the Residency Board? They’re all men and they’re all miserable old guys who would be more than happy to kick out someone like me. I drag down this school’s stellar reputation, have you not noticed?” 

“You have a 4.0 GPA Jyn, you’re  _ not _ the one ruining this school’s reputation, it’s doing that just fine on its own. Besides, just wear something form fitting and then if they do try to kick you out you can play it off as they’ve done it because they don’t want to house someone living in sin.” 

“See - I thought about that, but there’s a clause in my contract that rambles on about conduct interfering with the community and that’s what Carla is making her case on. How do I argue about that?” Jyn asks, exasperated with the whole thing. She appreciated Leia’s direct approach on this but she needed strategy and analysis, not fire and brimstone.

“Just be upfront. Tell them what’s going on with you and why things are a bit crazy right now. It’s probably all just being blown out of proportion because Carla’s an ass and you’ve butted heads a couple times. Anyways - I’m sorry to just abandon you here but I’ve gotta go meet Han. You’ll call me after it’s done?” 

“Yeah, if I’m not immediately banished,” she jokes and Leia shakes her head. 

“You’re not going to be banished. Try to have a good night at Cassian’s,” Leia adds with a wink and Jyn instantly regrets telling the woman anything about the kiss from the other night. 

“Go away now,” Jyn replies and shoos Leia away, determined to not let her see the flustered look that blossomed within her at the memory.

Internally, Jyn locks down the desire that bubbles inside of her as she leaves Leia and heads towards Cassian’s apartment. He’d promised to run through her arguments for the Board with her tonight, his previous stint as an RA hopefully enough to help her defend her case so that she didn’t have to move in the final months of her term. She was banking on his knowledge to prep her and she needed to be focused on that even though anytime she thought about him now it just turned into blurry wants and vibrant memories. She couldn’t get caught up in that, especially not after the way they’d left it a few days ago.

_ “Let’s take a few days and figure out what this means,” Cassian suggests over breakfast, his body relaxed in direct opposition to her tense frame. They’d kissed yesterday. Had made out. Had proceeded to get each other off and then fallen asleep together like it was a regular Wednesday night. Now he wanted to, what? Mull over what they’d done?  _

_ “What? Like radio silence between us?” Jyn counters, stirring her half-eaten breakfast like it was gruel she couldn’t stomach anymore.  _

_ “No. Not radio silence but maybe we just don’t talk about whether we’re together, or if this continues or ends today. I want us to both be able to give it some thought before we rush into anything,” he offers. Jyn looks away and chews the inside of her cheek, nerves rattling within her. “I’m not trying to play any tricks, Jyn. I just want you to have time to figure out what you want without any pressure. You’ve got so much happening right now and I just - I don’t want whatever this is to be a casualty of you not having a minute to stop and think about it.”  _

_ “Fine,” she answers evenly, lifting her fork to her lips and taking a bite of her eggs to keep her mouth from spilling any wayward thoughts. She could give him a few days. She could keep it together long enough to prepare herself for when he turned her down eventually.  _

_ “Jyn - “  _

_ “No, it’s fine,” she mumbles around her mouthful, her knuckles turning white as the metal digs into her palm. She didn’t  _ want _ to wait but she would because he asked her to.  _

_ “You hate the idea, don’t you?” She looks up at that and swallows quickly, gaze measuring.  _

_ “I don’t hate it. I’m just trying not to think about the fact that in a few days you’re going to tell me it was a mistake.” Cassian snaps up at that, his eyes narrowing as he leans forward.  _

_ “Why do you think that I would say something as ridiculous as that?” He counters, pinning her with his stare. “Did I not chase you across campus in the snow? Did I not tell you up front that this was what I thought we should do before we went any further? Why do you think I’m going to change my mind?”  _

_ “Because everyone changes their mind about whether they want me,” Jyn answers quietly, ducking her chin and lifting her fork once more. Cassian reaches to her hand and stops it mid-rise, holding her wrist lightly between his deft fingers.  _

_ “I’m not everyone,” he states, his eyes locking on hers when she looks up. His expression is so pained - like he was a kid and she’d torn apart his favourite toy in front of him - that she nearly withdraws from him.  _

_ But she doesn’t. Instead she chooses to try to believe him, making a pointed effort to nod her head as he slowly releases his hold and the tension dissipates in the air around them.  _

They still hadn’t really talked. Cassian had a paper to finish and she’d been neck deep in this Board hearing and her midterms which had sucked out all of her time to actually sit down and think. She kept putting it off and he never pressed and time had just kept ticking on. 

Maybe tonight, after they’d gone through her arguments, they could finally talk. If she could get two thoughts in her head to align on what she actually wanted from him. 

Thinking about it now, she knew three things for certain. The first being that she didn’t want things to change - she wanted him to still be there for her, to be her friend and help keep her sane as everything was coming off the rails. The second was that she needed him to give her space to sort out this thing with Scott and to not interfere, even if he thought it was the right thing to do. He had to defer to her on this, regardless of what happened because otherwise it wouldn’t work. The last thing she knew, fully and clearly, was that she didn’t want the affection to stop. She craved it like a fiend and almost nightly it had driven her to hormone-fueled dreams, her mind full of Cassian as she laid in bed and imagined his skin and his lips against hers. 

“Get it under control,” she mumbles to herself as she climbs the stairs, mentally readying herself to see him face to face for the first time since their conversation over breakfast. 

She makes it a whole five seconds before he’s opening the door and she’s standing before him, her body alive like a magnet shivering to meet its match. Her mouth opens like a fish out of water, the words dying in her throat as she takes in the sight of him in low-slung sweatpants and nothing else, his hair still damp from the shower. 

“Are you coming in?” He asks, stepping away from the door and returning to the stove where he stirs something delicious smelling. Feeling ridiculous, Jyn steps into the apartment and closes the door a touch harder than required, her shoulders tightening as it smacks closed. “Long day?” 

“Long  _ week _ ,” she answers tightly, dropping her coat on the back of a chair and leaning on the counter to watch as he reaches for bowls at the top of his cupboard. She tries her best not to stare at his shifting muscles or the way he dips his finger into the pot to taste whatever he’s cooking, the movements doing something to her that she wished she could deny. 

“Well, you’ve come to the right place then. Garlic bread or no?” He questions, glancing back at her as she turns her attention up to look at him. 

“Are you offering to feed me?” Her stomach growls reactively, betraying her. 

“Wednesday’s are classes from two to eight, aren’t they? I thought you might not have - “ 

“No, I didn’t eat yet. I had a power bar earlier, but I’ll gladly take whatever you’re offering,” she adds quickly as he nods and turns to start pulling the bread from his fridge before slipping it in the oven. 

They settle into a familiar pattern, both recounting their day and the trials and classes that had worn them down after a heavy round of lectures and seminars. When the food is finally ready, Cassian hands her a bowl of pasta with sauce and a chunk of garlic bread on a plate slid towards her as he comes to join her on the other side of the island. 

“Tell me about your defence strategy,” he prompts after he’s consumed most of his dinner, turning to look at her as he nibbles on torns bits of bread. 

“Well, I was planning on just walking in there and telling them to go fuck themselves, but I doubt that would go over well. So then I thought I’d argue that I make no more noise than Bella down the hall with her saxophone - “ 

“Sorry - no, I don’t think that’s the best plan. You don’t know if they have other complaints on you, it could backfire. What else?” She squirms under his attention and turns to look at her bowl, the final remnants of the sauce scraping around the edges. 

“I thought I could argue that Carla is targeting - what? She is!” She grumbles as Cassian rubs his brow and looks down at her. 

“I know. I know she’s singling you out but you need something more solid than your perceptions of what’s happening or you need to - and I know you hate this - roll over and take whatever sanction they offer. You could say you require accommodations because of your pregnancy - special exceptions or something. Would anything count for that?” Jyn stares at her fork, stewing at the idea that nothing she’d thought was good enough was apparently suitable. 

“I’d rather roll over and die,” she mumbles, trying not to let the frustration get to her. 

“It wouldn’t be that bad, would it?” He offers hopefully, leaning towards her to seek out her gaze. “The options on the table for them are likely a ban on guests, a written formal warning, or single-strike eviction which I think would be insane for them to try to go after. You’ll probably get the ban on guests and a warning on your file.” 

“A ban on guests? What will you do without my bed to crash in?” She bemoans, exaggerating for emphasis and pulling a laugh from his chest. 

“I’ll survive. You can always come here, use a drawer or something for your things - I mean, if you - never mind, that’s for another conversation,” he course-corrects quickly, getting to his feet as though trying to sweep his misstep under the carpet. Grabbing for their dishes, he busies himself by putting them in the sink and wiping down the counters to avoid looking back at her as she sighs and rubs her fingers against her temples. 

This was  _ hard _ and she was so very, very tired. Of everything. 

“So I go in there and take it without complaint. That’s what you think is best?” She asks, drawing his attention back to her. 

“I think it’s the best move for now. If they come at you with an eviction then we can appeal to give you time but if that’s the case I think you were fucked anyways and we need to work on that exit strategy. I talked to Leia and she’s got a second room you can crash in for a few days until we find something else for you, or we can talk to Baze about the apartment - maybe the tenant is moving or something. Or you could stay here. If you wanted. Either way - we don’t need to figure that all out now because I don’t think that’s on the table. You haven’t done anything worth an eviction - “ 

“I mean,  _ I  _ haven’t, but you? Maybe it’s you who got me evicted with that display the other night,” she jokes and he can’t hide his smile, the small shake of his head giving away his dissent. 

“I won’t apologize for doing what needed to be done,” he states. Jyn looks up at him then, her gaze measuring as he returns it head-on. There’s a spark and a snap of something in the air, her chest tightening with the way his eyes narrow. 

“I know. It’s still my fault because I started it,” she says, her voice gravelly and her fingers clenching. She wanted to reach for him, to pull him against her until she felt like she was melting into him. 

He doesn’t make her wait, his torso leaning across the counter as his hand reaches for her chin, guiding her up to meet his kiss. It’s like breathing fresh air after being trapped inside for months, the relief and the sweet taste of him settling in her soul as he sighs against her. 

“Tell me you’ve thought about this too, even with everything else going on,” he whispers against her lips, his fingers soft on her cheek. 

“Did I have to? Can’t it be enough to just - keep doing this until we figure it out?” He chuckles and shakes his head, drawing back as she groans and sits up more fully on her stool to watch him. 

“We could but I think that’s a bad idea,” he answers and turns his attention back to the sink, flicking the water on and adding soap to the mix. Jyn groans and gets to her feet, moving slowly around the counter and grabbing the dishcloth from the stove. “You don’t need to do that.” 

“Yes, I do. You cooked dinner, I can at least help with the dishes,” she says to his widening smile. 

“And here I thought you were going to offer to  _ do  _ them,” he jokes. Jyn bumps him with her hip and glances up towards him. 

“Nice try. I  _ should _ be sitting down, resting my weary body, but you’re expecting me to earn my keep. Can’t disappoint someone who feeds me - how would that look?” 

“Too domestic for us, probably. But really, if you want to go sit down you can. This will only take me a - “ 

“Cassian,” she sighs and reaches for the scrubber in his hand, ready to start in on the dishes if he was going to keep delaying. 

It happens so quickly - one minute she’s reaching across him and the next he’s tucked up behind her, his arms bracketing hers as his chest grazes her back. She knows she should pull back, should put some distance between them, but it’s nice to have his heat surround her and he doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, he drops one hand to her hip to hold her in place as he leans forward to turn the water off and reach for his first dish. 

They make quick work of the pots and pans, Cassian scrubbing and then handing them to Jyn who dries them off quickly while resting back against his chest. When the sink is empty once more, the dishware all placed neatly in their drying rack, Jyn makes to move away but is stopped by Cassian’s arm slipping across her front and holding her lightly to him for a drawn breath. If she really wanted to she knew she could step out of his embrace, put some distance between them. It’s just - she’d didn’t  _ want _ to, at all. She liked being here in his arms, his breath grazing her temple as his hands drifted along her side and eventually settled on hers over her growing bump.

Stars, what was she going to do when the baby came and she couldn’t have tiny moments like this anymore? She’d have to give this up, would have to do this on her own with no one to hold her like he did. The thought makes her mood sour and she forces herself to step out of his arms, heading towards her bag to give her brain a reason to not apologize for withdrawing. Grabbing her phone, she pulls open the message and swears under her breath as the text from Scott comes through.

_ Booked yet?  _ \- Scott, 8:59pm 

"What?" Cassian asks as he rounds the island towards his couch and flops onto it.

"It's Scott. He's up my ass about getting this test done and I just don't have the time this week," she grumbles, tossing her phone back in her bag and leaving his text on  _ Read _ .

"Just tell him you'll get it done when you get it done. It's not your fault he doesn't believe you so why are you the one having to jump through hoops?" Cassian offers in return, watching as she walks towards him and settles on the couch with her feet pressed against his thigh.

"I get why he's annoyed - he's probably trying to figure out a way out of it and this is it so he's stressed - "

"He's still a grown ass adult. If he didn't want to be involved he could just bail. Shitty fathers have been doing it for millennia," Cassian grumbles and reaches for her foot, pulling it towards him to start rubbing the sole in a way that makes her insides clench.

"I know. It's just - I don't want to force him to do that. I want him to be around for his kid and for us not to resent each other, you know? I don't want my kid screwed up like me and I especially don’t want it to grow up without a dad because I was a bitch to him and drove him off.” She looks up at him as his hands pause their ministrations, his brow furrowed. 

“Regardless of what kind of dad this kid has, it’s not going to be screwed up. It’s going to have a mother who will give him the sun because she’s exceptional and nowhere near as fucked up as she thinks she is,” he says lowly, watching her for a moment before returning his fingers to the pad of her foot. 

A long silence drags out as he continues the massage, moving from her heel to her calf and then switching to the other leg. She lets the day wash over her as he goes, Cassian’s words settling within her as she closes her eyes and thinks about all of the chips about to fall around her. They could either be good or bad, either way they were going to hit the ground eventually and all she could do is keep her head up and her body moving forward. 

“Can I ask you something?” Cassian says a while later, her eyes half-closed as she rests against the headrest. 

“I think you just did,” she responds lazily, flicking an eye open to glance at him. He doesn’t look at her but his lips flicker up in a ghost of a smile. 

“Why didn’t it work out with you and Scott the first time? I keep remembering how after your first date you were pretty into him but then it just sort of… Didn’t work out. I never asked because I guess I didn’t really want to know but now - now it kind of seems like I should?” His voice remains steady but as Jyn shifts to look at him more fully she notices he hasn’t once looked at her as he’s spoken, his attention focused on his hands instead. 

“Oh, well,” she pauses and sits up, dragging her feet back to curl them beneath her. “He was nice and everything but he didn’t like you guys so I just didn't think it was worth the trade.” She attempts, cutting out the pointed  _ he didn’t like you _ that sits on the tip of her tongue. 

“It wasn’t anything else? Because after - after you bailed on him he found me on campus and he said some stuff - “ 

“What did he say?” Jyn urges, her attention piqued and her insides turning. Please don’t let it be - 

“He said you weren’t going to work out because of me but he didn’t give me a reason. I can put two and two together but - if I’m the one standing in the way of him being there for you, I need you to know Jyn that I can back off. I can - for you, for the kid - I can - “ 

“No. Absolutely not,” she interjects forcefully, getting to her feet and angrily crossing her arms over her chest. The very idea of what he was proposing made her skin crawl and her stomach twist. “He shouldn’t have spoken to you about it and it wasn’t because of you, it was because of  _ him _ being a shithead. He suspected there was something between us and he gave me an ultimatum to either pick him or you. I wasn’t going to fucking pick someone like that, not when it means giving up you. You’re my best friend, Cassian. I couldn’t give you up if I tried - I love you too much for that.” She stops abruptly, her lips smacking shut at the confession as it slips out of her. 

“But Jyn - “ He attempts without considering her words, his voice rising.

“No. No! We’re not having this conversation. Not tonight. I can’t climb any other mountains right now. I’m too fucking tired and I have the Board meeting tomorrow and a project due Monday and my doctor’s and now this test and - I’m going home. I need to sleep. I’ll text you when I get there,” she huffs and stalks towards her jacket. Cassian follows her as she collects her things, his jaw clenched and his mouth shut. She wished he would break that stoic look, that he would fight for her instead of offering her an out. She didn't want an out. She wanted  _ him _ .

Sure, she hadn’t been able to tell him what she wanted tonight but hadn’t just being here, being with  _ him _ , been enough to tell him what she couldn’t say? She didn’t want someone else. She wanted him for as long as she had until this kid arrived and he inevitably left because of some false sense of righteousness or because he just couldn’t hack the path she’d chosen. 

Why was this so hard? 

“You’ll call me after your meeting tomorrow?” He asks as she jams on her boots, stumbling and slapping his hand away as he reaches out to steady her. 

“I’m fine - I can do it myself,” she snaps. “Yes, I’ll call. Do me a favour? Take the night to try to figure out whether you’re chickening out for me or yourself, alright?” She grumbles as she reaches for the door, throwing him one last haughty look. 

“Get some sleep. We can talk about it when you're ready," he replies and Jyn can't help herself as she reaches out and grabs the back of his neck to drag him forward. Her kiss is quick, bruising, and she spares herself a brief moment to sigh against his lips before she pulls back.

"I picked you. Don't try to convince me it was the wrong choice," she murmurs and escapes out the door and back down the stairs, determined to put as much distance as she could between her and the one person she knew she couldn't live without.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friends, I think I need a beta. Chapters 16/17/18 are giving me drama and I'm trying to figure them out but something is /missing/ and I can't put my finger on it. I keep reading and revising and then trying it again and again... If anyone wants a sneak peak at the rest of the story sans ending ('cause it remains to be written) and can also provide honest and critical feedback on whether the plot has a major hole or not, please feel free to connect with me on Tumblr at lollercakesff. Otherwise, enjoy the shenanigans!


	12. Chapter 12

There's a knot twisting in her gut as she sits in the Residence Office, the receptionist watching her squirm out of the corner of her eye.

"Ms. Erso, would you please join us?" One of the Board members asks, his head poking out of the meeting room. She gets to her feet and tries not to let her jelly legs get the best of her as she walks inside and sits in a chair across from a long table of old white men. 

"We've requested your attendance today to discuss repeated infractions against the Community Conduct Guidelines. We have multiple reports and warnings noted on your file from your Residence Assistant, three of which are regarding noise complaints. As we would like this to be a conversation, we have prepared you a copy of the complaints to review,” one of the men explains, flicking his wrist as another man from the table gets up and brings her a folder. “We’ll give you a few moments to review and then we would like to discuss the best way forward.” 

Jyn feels like she’s going to puke as every man at the table gets to his feet, streaming past her and through the door, leaving her alone with the ticking clock mocking her overhead. She tries to focus on the words in front of her, the dates and the times, each and every report that Carla had signed off on. It’s the one at the back though that gets to her, Rima’s name jumping off the page from a complaint in second year. 

_ Her behaviour is callous and rude and I have to listen to her swearing loudly in the hall as she comes home every night. Sometimes she doesn’t get in until two in the morning and she’s always slamming her door as though it has personally wronged her. She’s disrupting my ability to study by being so loud all the time. _

Jyn frowns down at the report, the accusations in it making her shift uncomfortably in her seat. Rima would have filed this after she’d dropped her as a friend, after Cassian had blown his chance with her. Now it was on her record and that blind date was coming back to bite her in the ass. Why hadn’t she just  _ talked _ to her about this? Why hadn’t Rima just told her to quiet down a bit? Or that she was disturbing her? 

Why did this all only come up  _ now _ , when everything else was falling apart? 

She rubs at her eyes and swallows back the lump in her throat. The rest of the reports are similar as they condemn her for being too loud, too boisterous, too  _ herself _ . She hadn’t thought she was being difficult to live with but the complaints in her file were enough to cause her to wilt, wishing she could disappear and never have to face anyone again. 

“I don’t know what we’re gonna do, little bit,” she whispers hoarsely, sniffing and rubbing her face after closing the file. 

When the men return a few moments later she’s managed to rally herself enough to sit up straight and face them head on, her shoulders rolled back and her hands clenched in her lap. The man from before, the one who spoke, opens his own file and slips on a pair of reading glasses before glancing up at her. 

“Has anything you’ve found in there been surprising?” He questions thoughtfully, watching as she sits frozen stiff. 

“I hadn’t been aware that my conduct was bothersome until this summons,” she answers. The man sits up and brings his hands together, his gaze appraising. 

“Yes, I can see that no formal notice has been provided until this point. That said, some of the complaints are concerning to us. Disturbing the shared community repeatedly shows a lack of maturity that we expect from our residence tenants and while we would like to assume that this won’t happen again, we are unable to trust that it won’t should we only provide a warning at this time.” 

“I understand. Though if I may say - “ 

“You may not. The Board has already ruled on your case as it currently stands. Today we will be issuing you a formal notice of final warning and a ban on some of the privileges that have, until this point, been taken for granted,” he pauses, flicking his wrist again. The same man who brought her the folder gets to his feet once more and brings her a letter on the university letterhead, dropping it on the table in front of her like she wasn’t worth his time. “As you will find in the notice, you are hereby warned that additional complaints will result in your immediate eviction from the campus housing community. In addition, you are no longer permitted to have guests within your building without express written approval from your Residence Assistant. Finally, you are restricted from using the shared common spaces between the hours of 11pm and 6am.” 

“What if I need to stay up late to study?” Jyn asks weakly, not so much defending herself as trying her damnedest not to start crying in front of them. She wouldn't cry. She wouldn't give them the joy of seeing her crumble.

“We would suggest utilizing the library or one of the 24-hr study spaces available to you. It is not our pleasure to inform you of these restrictions but we must act on behalf of the entire residence community when there are disturbances to the lifestyle expected among the residents. Do you have any further questions?” Jyn shakes her head and keeps her eyes on the table, sucking in breath after breath as her hands start to shake. She needed to get out of here. Quick. “Alright then. Let’s hope we do not see one another again. You are dismissed.” 

She jumps to her feet, her belly hitting the table and her teeth sinking into her tongue as she tries not to yelp. Their eyes follow her as she stuffs the paperwork into her bag and she holds the fabric over her torso, protecting it from their prying eyes. She didn’t want them to know.  _ Couldn’t  _ let them know or they would kick her out on the spot. 

Escaping out into the hallway, Jyn practically sprints from the building back towards her residence. She doesn’t stop for the texts that hit her phone, or the neighbours that ask her if she’s alright. She especially doesn’t even pause when Carla shouts her name, the woman’s voice grating against her nerves as she calls to her from her room. 

Inside the safety of her bedroom, Jyn kicks off her shoes and locks her door, crawling into her bed and pulling the covers over her head. Her phone continues to buzz as she tries to block out the world and for a brief second she worries that someone will try to come find her, inadvertently breaking her no-guests rule and getting her evicted. Scrambling to her feet once again, she grabs the device and opens the group text. 

_ Guests are banned from Hotel d’Erso. Please don’t make me homeless - stay away.  _ \- Jyn, 2:43pm

She tosses the phone and ignores the ringer that sounds for almost half-an-hour, her head throbbing and her body exhausted. She didn’t want to do this anymore. She should have run. 

* * *

“It’s been almost a week, Jyn,” Bodhi says through the line, his voice pleading in the way that always made her lose her resolve. “Come out and see us. We can’t come drag you out so we need you to get off your ass and come outside. We’re waiting.” 

“We?" She grumbles, pulling her sweater tighter around her. She didn’t want to go out - she’d barely left for anything but class and her doctor’s appointment - and the idea of showing her face for any reason other than that seemed like too much work to take on. No, she wanted to hide out here unless the building caught fire. 

“Luke, Cass, Leia and Kay - we’re going to get tacos. Come with us,” Bodhi answers as she sighs. 

“I think I just - “ 

“Jyn Erso, please do not play coy. You know that we are not leaving until you come down so you might as well come now,” Kay’s voice fills the call, his blunt words grating. 

“Fine. But I’m sitting shotgun.” 

“If you mu- “ She hangs up before his whine can reach her, getting to her feet and collecting her things quickly into a bag. 

Once downstairs, Jyn huffs out a breath and brushes her hair quickly back from her face. The group mills about outside her building’s doors, joking and laughing as they stand on the sidewalk and wait for her. For the briefest of moments she’s glad they’re here, the sight of them making her nerves soften after a week of being at peak-stress. 

“Jyn!” They greet in varied shouts, each of them gathering her up in their arms before drawing back. Only Kay stays on the periphery, muttering about the unnecessary affection as he leans against the vehicle. 

“I’m glad you came,” Cassian whispers into her ear as he holds her close for a touch longer than the rest. She manages a smile as he draws back, quickly pressing a kiss to her temple before reaching for her hand and tugging her towards the car. 

They all pile inside as Kay climbs into the driver’s seat and pulls away from the curb. The noise level is set to loud as they maneuver down the road and off campus. She feels a weight lift from her shoulders as she turns around and joins the conversation, the group quickly dissolving into loving harassment and dirty jokes at one another’s expense. Distracted, she doesn’t track where Kay has driven them until he pulls into a parking spot and puts the car in neutral. 

“Where are we?” She asks, looking around them and finding only nondescript office buildings towering over them. The laughter dies from her lips as she glances up at the street sign, her heart leaping into her throat. “Why did you bring me here, asshole?” Jyn growls, reaching out and smacking Kay’s arm as she notices the  _ DNAnswers _ sign hanging over a door across the street. “You fucking traitor piece of - “ 

“Jyn, I told him to drive us here first,” Leia says from behind her, the woman’s hand reaching over and grabbing her shoulder to hold it firmly. Jyn reels and shakes her loose, feeling trapped as she looks back at everyone watching her. Luke and Bodhi in the back sit with sympathetic eyes, watching her silently as she glares at all of them. 

“You let them bring me here?” Jyn snarls at Cassian, cornered and hurting. She’d expected them to stand with her, not to push her out in front to get hit by a bus. What’s worse is that she couldn’t have ever predicted this - not from Leia or Bodhi, but especially not from Cassian. He’d been on her side, hadn’t he? 

“I told them it was a shitty idea and they were going to do it without me but I figured it would be better if I came in case - “ 

“In case what? I lost my mind and ripped them all limb from limb for forcing this down my throat? What? Was it not bad enough that Scott was breathing down my neck? You all thought  _ ‘Hey, wouldn’t it be great if Jyn just fucking grew up and got the paternity test done? She’s already having a horrible week so why not force her to _ -’ “ 

“That’s actually remarkably similar to the conversation we had on the way to your building,” Kay interjects and Jyn wants to climb over the console and strangle him. Inside she seethes, hurts, as she tries not to feel tricked. 

It wasn’t so much the test itself - she was going to do it eventually - it was more that her friends hadn’t been honest with her. They hadn’t offered to come with her, or given her the option to do it on her own. They’d just assumed she wasn’t going to do it and so they’d forced her hand, pretending like they were trying to do what was best for her and not giving her a choice. 

It was exactly what she had expected from them when she’d first found out she was pregnant and now it was coming true. 

“I won’t forget this,” Jyn hisses, yanking her seatbelt from around her and getting out of the SUV before angrily slamming the door behind her. 

“Do you want one of us to come with you?” Leia shouts from the opened window, her body half-leaning over Cassian as she does. 

“Yeah - fucking Kay because at least he’s honest about what an asshole he can be. The rest of you can get fucked.” 

She keeps her back turned to them as she stalks towards the door and rips it open. Once inside she practically jumps in surprise as Kay steps in behind her, his too-tall frame overshadowing her as he steps around her to the elevator. 

“What are you doing?” She grumbles, smacking the button as he stands beside her. 

“You requested my accompaniment and I don’t need your misdirected anger focused on me. That, and Cassian told me I had to,” he answers briskly and steps ahead of her into the elevator. 

She doesn’t have a response to that, her arms crossing angrily over her chest as they ride the few floors up to the clinic. When she arrives at the desk she’s only half-surprised to find an appointment on the books for her, her mood only darkening further as she retreats to a seat and sits down in it. Kay joins her on one side and keeps silent, his attention focused on his phone. 

“Which side did you vote on?” She asks after a few minutes of tense silence, her attention drifting to the man beside her. 

“Cassian’s, obviously. Statistically, people do not respond well to being cornered and I think you are especially sensitive to conflating scheming with betrayal rather than scheming for intervention purposes. That, and I really would have preferred tacos,” Kay responds swiftly to Jyn’s tight laugh. Sometimes the robot-esque man knew her better than any of their friends. 

“You would have been right. They should have just left me alone to figure this out myself.” 

“That was an option but Bodhi felt strongly that further bad news spread out would be detrimental to your attitude towards this child. He preferred you have one difficult week rather than multiple difficult weeks. You could say it was a daft version of kindness.” 

Jyn sits with that a moment, weighing the man’s words as she lifts her hand to wrap around the crystal and ring at her neck. Bodhi was partially right - she was much more suited to having it all out at once, rather than being beaten down with bad news again and again. Could she blame him for thinking it was best to get this test out of the way now? Not really. But she could blame him and the others - Leia and Luke - for forcing her to do it their way rather than her own. 

“Mrs. Erso?” A woman in scrubs calls from an opening door, a wide smile on her face. 

“See you in a minute, Kay,” Jyn says and gets to her feet, following the woman back into a room down the hall. 

The procedure is quick, nearly painless, as blood is drawn and her sample is placed in coded-bottles. She’s given a band-aid and instructed to check out as she leaves to get guidance on how to obtain her results from the online system when they have them. It’s only a few minutes before Jyn and Kay are back outside, walking towards the vehicle as Jyn pulls her hood up around her neck. When Cassian moves to get out of the car she’s thankful to have Kay beside her, the man easily ordering him not to move. 

“Jyn promised me tacos. We’re leaving now,” he says as he climbs in the driver’s seat. Jyn scrambles into her own chair and keeps her eyes trained forward, forcing herself not to break as a hand quickly covers hers on the console. She twists her hand up so her fingers can link with it, her quick glance over her shoulder reassuring her that Cassian was indeed on her side, even if he’d been part of the setup. 

* * *

**[Confidential - Results: Melshi / Erso - Paternity Request]**

_ DNAnswers Corp.  _

_ ATTN: Melshi, Ruescott / Erso, Jyn  _

_ Paternity Test Results - Summary  _

_ At the request of  _ **_Melshi, Ruescott_ ** _ (alleged biological father) and in conjunction with samples taken from  _ **_Erso, Jyn_ ** _ (biological mother), DNAnswers has evaluated the samples provided and made the following determination: _

  * **_Biological Parent A:_** _Erso, Jyn_
  * **_Biological Parent B:_** _Melshi, Ruescott [Probability of Paternity: 99.8%]_



_ See enclosed genetic markers and comparison on Page Two. Further diagnostic testing may be furnished upon joint request from both individuals by contacting our offices.  _

Jyn sets down her phone and rests her head in her hands, her breath coming out in quick puffs as she tries to settle herself. She’d known this was coming - had been so sure of it - and yet having the proof there in front of her was still like holding a hot flame in her hands, one that couldn’t be tamed and kept burning long after she’d let it go. 

She knew she needed to talk to Scott - that should have been her first call, really - but she just couldn’t make herself do it. She’d talk to him eventually, maybe when he called her, maybe when she finally forced herself to face this once and for all, either way it would happen. She just didn’t want it to be right now. 

Right now she needed someone who wouldn’t make her talk about it. About the baby or how she was feeling or the weird place her friendship was with everyone around her. 

The walk does more to soothe her rattled nerves than she expects, the sidewalks thankfully cleared as she cuts across a park and through a few alleys, making her way through the city like she had all the time in the world. When she arrives on the doorstep she lifts her hand to knock and barely gets out two quick raps before the wood is swung open. 

“Little Sister,” Baze greets, stoic as always despite the way his eyes narrow. 

“Can I come in?” She asks. He moves aside quickly and she steps in, rubbing her hands together to fight the chill as she stills on the threshold. Chirrut stands in the entryway to the kitchen, his head cocked to the side in silent evaluation. 

Jyn promised herself she’d keep it together. She promised herself that she wouldn’t crack, not in front of these two men who had become her mentors, but when Baze rests his hand heavily on her shoulder she can’t help the ache that wants to spill out of her at the contact. 

She needed to talk to  _ someone _ about everything. She needed to talk to her  _ mom _ but since that was impossible, they were the closest she had. 

“I’ll bring tea,” Chirrut says after a minute, sensing her distress as she looks up at Baze with a tight expression. Her teeth cut into her lip and the man sighs, holding open his arms for her to crash into his embrace. 

“Come rest,” he rumbles around her, his large hand resting on the back of her head for a moment before he pulls away and leads them towards the covered sitting area out back. “We don’t have to talk if you don’t want,” he says as she curls up on a chair, her chin resting in her palm. 

“It’s all so messy, Baze,” she murmurs after a minute, unable to look up and meet his eyes. 

“Why don’t you start from the beginning and then Chirrut can interrupt us about halfway through and tell you the ending,” he offers and Jyn snorts, rubbing at her forehead before sighing. 

She tells him everything. From the first date to the test and the way everything had seemed to collide all within the last month. When she gets to that night with Cassian, the one where things seemed to shift, she pauses and tries not to get stuck in the rut of it, forcing the next words from her lips. 

“And now Scott is back in the picture and I’ve opened this door with Cassian and I don’t want to close it but I need to figure out how to keep them both.” 

“And keep where you live,” Chirrut reminds, carrying the tea into the room and setting it on the table between them. “It sounds like you’ve taken on many battles, not all of them turning the tide in your favour.” 

“I can’t help thinking that if my mom was here she’d tell me what I needed to do. I have no idea what I’m going to do about this kid, where I’m going to live or how to take care of it. Cassian has been dragging me to these parenting classes but it’s hard to focus when I’ve got so many other things happening. I just wish she was here to help me figure it out,” Jyn whispers, picking at her knuckles until the skin is red. Baze, for all his silence, notices and reaches forward to grasp her hands, holding them tightly in his own. 

“Motherhood was unexpected for her as well. Galen was - Galen, I guess, and she often had moments of doubt. But she refused to give in just as you are. You are strong, Little Sister, you will figure it out,” he reassures and Jyn nods, looking between the two men. 

“I just wish she was here,” she says and her voice cracks, the pain of that wish riddling through her on a forced exhale. 

“We know,” Chirrut murmurs. 

The three of them sit there for a long while, the night starting to fade in around the edges of the day as their tea grows cold and the tears eventually dry on her cheeks. Eventually, she gets to her feet and puts on a mask of indifference, forcing herself to breathe through the rot in her gut. Baze and Chirrut follow, leading her to the door and offering her a drive back to her dorm. 

“I’ll be alright. I’ve got a stop along the way,” she answers as she pulls on her coat. Chirrut hums and taps his walking stick, urging Baze into motion. 

“We know a woman. She was a friend of your mother’s, back when she was pregnant with you. Would you like to meet her?” Baze offers, his gruff voice not hopeful but not emotionless either. 

“I’m not sure. Can I think about it?” Jyn replies and the men nod almost in unison. “Good. Thank you for the tea and just listening. It helped.” 

“Anytime,” Chirrut says and Jyn smiles, quickly hugging them before disappearing out the door. 

She doesn’t take her time as she winds back towards campus, drifting from streetlight to streetlight, the ice below foot sparkling dangerously in the evening light. When she reaches her destination she stuffs her hands in her pockets and looks up at the looming building. It towers over her, the spawning mass of windows and balconies hiding lives behind each like a tomb. 

This was not a place of comfort or belonging, it was a cold void of habitation, one that she forces herself to walk towards with a resolved mind. Punching in the numbers on the keypad, she waits for the call to patch through all the while her legs jitter from the cold and her hood flips up against the back of her skull from the wind.

“Who is it?” The voice crackles out through the speaker, setting Jyn’s nerves on edge. 

“It’s me. Can I come up?” The buzzer on the door sounds and she grabs the handle, steeling herself before disappearing inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've started to think of this chapter as the turning point - about halfway chapter and story-wise - and so after this things will slowly start to come to a boil. I'd like to give a special shout out to VaderCat who was a good sounding board for a few of the things that I was trying to shake out later on down the line. And as a thanks for that, this chapter is a day early in her honour! Thank you to the others who reached out - I am SO appreciative of your willingness to listen to me ramble about my fiction foray problems. Much love to ya'll.


	13. Chapter 13

Scott's apartment had always been stripped down, devoid of personal effects and cold almost to the point of needing a sweater even in the summer. Back in the fall, when he'd first brought her here, she'd had a hard time aligning the concrete-steel design with the man she was starting to know. It hadn't seemed like somewhere he'd live, his laughter too quick to draw out and his smile too broad for the barren expanse he called home. None of it had made sense until he'd explained the condo was his father's, the man's twice-divorced status giving her hints about the life Scott lived that was so different from her own. Only then had she understood that he had his own demons, ones that shone like bright flickering warning lights, telling her to step with care. She hadn't given him a chance to prove her wrong and maybe that was her first mistake.

Now, standing in the entryway, Jyn stuffs her hands tighter in her coat pockets and looks up through the front hallway as Scott wanders deeper into the apartment.

"Feel free to keep the coat on but leave the boots at the door," he says, not bothering to look back at her. Jyn sighs and dumps her things in the closet, eventually following after him like she belonged here and it hadn't been six months since she'd last crossed the threshold.

"I'm sorry for just showing up," she starts, leaning against one of the pillars separating the living room from the kitchen. It felt better to stand there, like maybe the distance would keep this from exploding in her face.

"It's fine. I was going to call but I wanted to give it time to become real first," he responds and collapses onto the couch. He rubs the heels of his hands against his eyes, leaning forward on his elbows before finally looking up at her. He looks as tired as she feels, his scruff thicker than she remembers and his shoulders tight around his ears. 

“I didn’t plan for this to happen, you know that right?” She asks from her place against the pillar, unsure how to start the conversation while trying to protect herself from the painful accusations she figured were due. She wasn’t sure what her plan was standing here in his apartment, just that she knew they needed to talk and figure this out if this was ever going to be anything but combative. 

“I know. I remember you were adamant about protection and I’d thought we’d used it. You were on the pill too, I remember, right?” She nods and he groans, hanging his head once more.

“I had an infection though and I was on antibiotics. I should have been more careful. It’s my fault,” she murmurs, her stomach sinking. 

“No, it’s not. It’s both of us, Jyn,” he adds and finally looks up at her, his eyes exhausted. She feels a hint of relief at his words and she tries to clamp down on it, unwilling to be hopeful for anything more. “Why did you wait so long to tell me?” 

“Promise not to judge me?” She counters uneasily, shifting on her feet. He motions towards the couch and moves to sit on one end, opening the rest of the space for her to sit down. Jyn hesitates before slowly shuffling towards him and perching at the edge of the cushion. “I didn’t know who the father was for a long time. It wasn’t because I fucked a million people or anything, but - "

"Jyn, come on. You don't need to explain college hook ups to me."

"I know. It's just - there were others that month and until we pinned down a due date I couldn't narrow it down to you because of the timeline. Once I had that though, and I remembered the antibiotics and that night we were really drunk… I figured you were the only option. It took me so long to tell you though because I was trying to come to terms with everything else at the same time. You've no idea how terrifying it is to be young and pregnant and alone with that fact. I had no idea what I was going to do. For the first month I didn’t want to tell anyone - I was actually planning on leaving over Christmas because I didn't want to admit it - but then I decided to stay and finish my degree instead and so I've been focused on that and trying to figure out how this is actually going to work. I didn't tell you until now because I had so much else going on and I was scared you were going to...” 

“Act the way I acted? Fuck,” he pauses, regret clear in his curse. She hums and rubs her hands on her pants, the tension in her frame slowly easing as he glances back at her. "Why did you decide to keep it?"

"It's the only blood kin I have," she answers tightly. It pains her to admit it, her gaze turned down towards the floor as she does, but it also connects something within her as she realizes that it didn't sound so ridiculous when she said it aloud.

"I get that, I think. If I'd known sooner though… I'm not sure I would have agreed with you to keep it. And I realize that's horrible and selfish of me but I wanted you to know the truth. It's not because of you - I'm just not sure I'm ready to have a kid," he says honestly. Jyn nods at that, holding her breath for a moment.

"I'm not sure I'm ready either," she whispers. 

"Fuck, eh?" He chuckles abruptly, looking up at her with a pained smile. Jyn matches it, her heart flopping uncomfortably in her chest. They were in uncharted territory now, the path forward murky. "I guess we're stuck together forever, aren't we?"

"Yeah, I guess we are."

They sit together in silence for a few minutes, thoughts spinning wildly in her head at the possibilities that lay before them. Scott wasn't really upset, she realized, and it helped. Sure, he'd been shocked - it easily explained his behaviour at the cafe - but now that he knew the truth he hadn't immediately gone for her jugular and maybe that was a good sign. They could do this - right? She could do this? With him?

"What kind of involvement do you want from me?" He asks the million dollar question. 

"What kind of involvement do you want to  _ have _ ?" She quips in response, unsure herself.

She hadn’t really thought of the details just yet, her brain having always thrown up a block anytime after she pictured him simply not hating her for keeping it. There'd been no indulging her imagination in pleasant scenes of their happy family together, white picket fence and a wide yard around them. Maybe it was because her childhood never had that, or her brain just refused to consider any of this real despite her growing size. Either way, she had no idea what she wanted when it came to including Scott in this kid's life - she just knew he needed to be a part of it.

“I’d like to help, if you need it. Attend doctors appointments if you want someone there with you. I’m not sure I’d be good with any custody stuff right now though, unless we had a shared living arrangement because the idea of taking care of a baby is straight up panic inducing for me. I also will need to tell my family at some point and that’s fucking terrifying too - my old man is probably going to flip his lid,” he pauses and Jyn tries to keep breathing, his thoughts so far ahead of hers as they continue to fall out between them. 

She hadn’t thought about what happened when the kid was born and it was no longer safe within her. What if Scott changed his mind and wanted full custody? What if his dad, conservative to the bone, forced him to try to pin her into a marriage neither of them wanted because it was  _ right _ and it was _ proper _ ? And if she said no? What if they came after her for custody and the courts deemed her unfit because she barely had two pennies to rub together and she was a mess? 

The panic was near clogging her throat and she tried to keep it together as the options spun and twisted in her head. She didn't want to think the worst but all of the ifs and the buts were rising and making it impossible to sit still.

“ - You alright?” He asks, stopping mid-sentence and looking up at her with a furrowed brow as she tenses her legs and readies to bolt. “You just went white as a ghost.” 

“I’m fine,” she lies and he sees right through her. 

“No, you’re not. What did I say?” 

“It’s fine - “ 

“Jyn,” he sighs, cocking his head in that way she'd once thought was appealing. “Tell me. Please.” 

“I  _ want _ full custody. And we can figure out an arrangement if you decide you do want some version of custody at some point but please don’t take it from me. Please don’t let your dad take it,” she begs, holding herself together with spit and twine. He reels back, brows lifting in surprise at her request.

"No. Jyn no, I wouldn't let that happen. He's probably not going to be thrilled with me for fucking up and getting a girl pregnant but I'm a grown ass man and I'm not going to let him interfere in whatever you and I decide. That's not even on the table."

"But what if he cuts you off? If he takes back this place to punish you for not listening to him? Won't he try? I don't have parents to fight for me on my side. It's just me and I'm sure that to the courts I'm barely fit to take care of myself. I'm a foster kid with a record and it would be an easy win and you told me that your dad lived to make you miserable - "

"Stop. Come on," he urges, scooting towards her and putting his hand on her thigh. It feels foreign, like an imposition, and she wishes she was better prepared for today because as it is, she can't manage to push him off without feeling like a monster. "He's not evil. Sure, he might ask for more than you're prepared to give but it's for us to decide how we want to do this. I don't even need to tell him really - "

She snorts and shakes her head, glancing up at him with a roll of her eyes. "Don't be an idiot. Of course you need to tell him."

"Okay so maybe I do but we can think about how we want to do it. Maybe go to Easter together, break the news then. I'm sure Teresa would be thrilled and would run interference," he offers hopefully and Jyn tries to hide her wince at the idea of his stepmother getting involved. Scott never talked about her and his silence spoke more words than he realized, the mention of her doing little to ease Jyn's mind. 

It also didn't help that Easter was usually reserved for when her and Cassian planned a road trip somewhere new, just to get off campus for a few days. She didn't want to give it up but part of her knew she had to if this had any hope of working. Besides, they hadn't talked about going yet and by now their plans were usually already in the works. Maybe he didn't even want to go this year.

"That could maybe work. I don't know. I need time to consider it," she says eventually and Scott nods, squeezing her thigh and bumping his shoulder into hers.

"We can figure it out. No need to decide now. What about appointments? Don't they have classes for this stuff? Like lamaze and shit?"

"I'm already attending some parenting classes but haven't signed up for any of the birthing ones yet because they freak me out. I think - " She swallows back Cassian's name and lies instead. "Leia was looking into those for me. I do have an appointment in two weeks, if you want to come?" 

Why did it feel like offering was tearing apart her insides piece by piece? Maybe it was because this was all so new and she didn't yet trust him to commit. Maybe it was because, more truthfully, it meant Cassian wouldn't be by her side, holding her hand and taking notes so she had a chance to remember everything she'd missed in the original appointment. 

How was she going to tell Cassian he couldn't come?

Why did it hurt so much to think about him not being by her side every step of the way?

"I can probably make it if I move some things around. Send me the details and I'll put it in my calendar. How about stuff - have you started buying any of the things you need, cradles or strollers or any of that?"

She swallows and shakes her head, thinking back to the only baby item she had - Cassian's Christmas gift of the onesie. She was so behind in all of that stuff. She wasn't ready.

"I don't have anywhere to store it in my dorm and to be honest, I don't have much money to spare at the moment. I was planning on getting some second-hand stuff when I found a place after the term ended but - "

"Well, I can help with that at least. I can store it here in the spare room. Maybe start stockpiling as I go. Do you know what it is yet?" She shakes her head, glancing around at all the spare space he had. He was  _ so much _ better placed to house this kid. Maybe it was for the best if she lost custody. Maybe - "Well I can get neutral stuff then. We can ask at the appointment - "

"I didn't want to know," Jyn cuts in, looking up at him. "I keep calling it 'little bit' in my head because it seems less terrifying if it isn't named."

"Got it. Well, maybe I can ask on the side - "

"Do you need to know?" She pushes back uneasily, not wanting to fight but also not keen on either of them knowing.

"I would like to. But I'll think about it, if it makes you feel better?" He offers and she nods, settling for that. "I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to ask about, if I'm being honest."

"I'm not sure either," Jyn answers softly, the whole day finally hitting her like a wall.

Her kid had a father. It was real and he wasn't abandoning them, at least not yet. They definitely still had things to work out but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Now she just needed to figure out how to navigate the end of term, her housing situation, and telling Cassian that she needed to give space to Scott too. It was the last one that terrified her the most. What if Cassian gave up on her? Or pushed her away? What if he didn't and it came down to another ultimatum? She couldn't choose between her best friend and the kid's father - it wasn't fair and the only one to get hurt in that situation would be her. 

She didn't want to think about it. Not now. 

"Have you eaten yet? Want me to drive you back and we can pickup some takeout on the way?" He offers after a few minutes of silence. 

"Yeah, that would be good, thanks. You can't come up though - I've been banned from having visitors," she admits as they get to her feet.

"What?" He questions, confusion filling his features as they move towards the entryway. "How did that happen?"

"My RA hates me," she says and shrugs, slipping her feet into her boots and struggling around her belly to pull the lining up. Scott seamlessly bends and tugs it up for her, handing her her jacket as he reaches for his own.

"Oh, well. You can always stay here if it's an issue," he offers quickly and Jyn feels her gut twist anxiously. They weren't _ there _ yet and yet he was acting like nothing had changed between them in six months, like he hadn't only just come around to the idea of being tied to her for life. 

"Thanks, but I think I'll be fine. In fact, I think I should walk - haven't been able to go to the gym much and - "

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm driving you home at least. It's too late to walk," he orders and pulls open the door, following her into the hallway. 

The walk to the car is quiet, only the sound of their footsteps cutting through the snow keeping them company as they cross the small parking lot. Scott makes sure she's safely inside with the heat on full blast before he takes to scraping the windshield of snow and ice, leaving her with her thoughts once more.

She forces herself to think of all the positives - how at least Scott was with her, that Baze and Chirrut had opened their home to her without question. She had family here, even if they weren't kin, and that had to count for something, right?

It's only after, when she's standing under the showerhead with the water beating down over her that she thinks about the family she might lose after the kid came. Scott would stay because it was his, Baze and Chirrut would stay because they felt they owed it to her mother, but would Bodhi and Luke stay? Would Leia? Would  _ Cassian _ ? That one hurt the most and she didn't know how to ask, especially not after the message she received after she got back to her dorm.

_ Your next appointment is on the 16th, right? Trying to schedule a tutoring session and don't want to double book  _ \- Cassian, 8:53pm

How was she supposed to tell him he couldn't go anymore? How was she going to keep him if she had to push him away?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a shorter chapter today with less antics than I'd like, but it had to be done. Will try to get the next chapter up over the weekend if I can knock out this last little bit! Thank you also to Sorcie for her feedback on a bit of the development - couldn't do it without you guys!


	14. Chapter 14

Apartment hunting was not going well. She'd found a few places online in her budget range but the landlords either didn't respond or took one look at her when she showed up and told her the apartment was already rented. It was exhausting running across town, trudging through the late winter snow from place to place as she desperately looked for somewhere she could live after the school year ended. Exhausting, but she needed to do it now while she could still move. 

"You sure you don't need company?" Leia asks through the line, a rustle in the background reminding her that she was busy on campus working on a deadline.

"I'm sure. It's only two places today," she answers breathlessly, trying not to let the sound of her effort of climbing stairs fill the line. 

"Alright. Well call me if you find something. You're talking to Cassian tonight, right?" The reminder feels like a punch in the gut and she wishes she hadn't brought it up.

"Yes," she huffs. 

"You're not going to chicken out?"

"Why would I? It's Cassian."

"That's exactly why. Don't play daft."

Stars, why had she even told the woman that she was planning on talking to Cassian tonight about the kiss? About finally getting her thoughts on them out into the open so he could decide what he wanted to do?

It'd been almost a month since that night and every late night call, every time they'd hung out, her want for him had only built. She'd tried to tell him multiple times how she felt but every time she'd only found the words stuck in her throat, her worries that he would reject her making her back down. It hadn't stopped the few stolen kisses they'd shared but Cassian hadn't dare let it go any further until she fessed up on what she actually wanted from him. His self-control was killing her and the wild hormones were not helping her case. The situation had been both terrifying and frustrating and she'd given herself until today to just tear the bandaid off once and for all.

"I'm here. I'll talk to you later," she grumbles into the phone, rejecting thoughts of later and clicking the end button without addressing Leia's unanswered question.

The superintendent waves at her from down the hall and she heads over, following him into the tiny apartment.

"It's got a bedroom and a den. Heat and water are included," he says as Jyn pokes around the space, glancing in the small bedroom and the closet-sized den. The bare walls and the scuffed flooring are dingy, old and cracking after years of neglect. But it would be enough for her and the kid, at least for a little while, and that was what she needed right now. 

"And it's $950 a month?" She asks as she turns on the sink and the water sputters out. Not a good sign but she wasn't in a position to be picky, her budget too tight to afford her any luxuries. Right now, all she had was the savings from her scholarship and the bit of income the state afforded her as a ward until she aged out. If she could get work she'd be better placed but with the timing it didn't seem likely she'd be working much before the due date unless it could be remote work. Feelers were still out on that front.

"Yes. It needs a few upgrades, I know, but it's got solid bones. And there's other moms in the building so you've got that going for you," he says out of the blue. Jyn can only nod, looking around her once more. She wished briefly, for just that moment, Cassian was here to ask all the questions she didn't know to ask. He'd at least rented an apartment while she'd been in group homes and residence dorms for the majority of her life.

"Can I take a few photos?" The super motions approval with his hand and she snaps some shots, saving them on her phone and tucking the device in her pocket.

Back out on the steps, Jyn ignores the whoops and catcalls from the men a few doors down, ducking her head and keeping her gaze on the ground to avoid them. She didn't like the neighbourhood but it's not like she had much of a choice, the rent being one of the few places she could afford that was big enough for them both. No, she had to settle somewhere and Baze and Chirrut's apartment wasn't big enough for two so she had to come to grips with it all now.

Jyn arrives at the second place on her list and doesn't even bother to go in, the cracked stairs and the discarded needles on the stoop more than she was willing to compromise on. She knew she couldn't afford much, sure, but she also knew she couldn't afford to be somewhere where just coming home was a risk. She wouldn't do that to her kid.

The long walk to Cassian's apartment helps her sort through the mess of things in her head, her upcoming exams, her appointments and the birthing classes Scott had signed them up for. She doesn't bother to dip into the thoughts about her and Cassian along the way, certain that if she did she would bail before she even got to his place.

Instead she focuses on the other big revelation she was attempting to deal with. It'd been a week since the paternity test had come back and Scott had seemed to turn over a new leaf since then. After their conversation, he'd started doing his own research and had confirmed he would attend the next doctor's appointment. He'd even started browsing for furniture, sending her photos of things he wanted to buy. It made her uneasy with how quickly he was diving in but she didn't know how to tell him to give her a minute to adjust. A week ago it had been her and maybe her friends, now it seemed like that was changing quickly without much warning and she wasn't sure how she felt about it. It's that thought that follows her up to Cassian's apartment, hovering in the back of her mind as she knocks and tries to shove it aside.

"I wasn't sure how late you would be so I didn't start cooking yet," he greets, opening the door and taking her coat from her as she sets down her bag.

"That's fine, I'm not too hungry yet anyways," she answers absently. His brows lift in surprise and he reaches out to press his hand to her forehead, feeling for a fever. "It's just been a long day," she says with a half smile, grabbing his hand and holding it in hers. Cassian senses the hesitation in her movements without her having to say a thing, his hand shifting in her grip to link their fingers together.

"I can bet," he responds softly, his knowing look cutting through her. She needed to tell him. She needed to hold him again. Why did she feel so out of control when he stood this close? Her hormones whip a flush up her chest and before she can think better of it she's reaching for him, grasping his neck and pulling herself up to kiss him like that night weeks ago.

Only this time he doesn't freeze. Cassian's mouth opens quickly for hers and she strikes at his response, clawing her way closer to him and trying to keep the embarrassing sounds out of her throat as he returns her kiss. She stumbles when he leans towards her, seeking more, taking more, as her back thumps against the door and she yelps in surprise. It's only then that he stops, his breath heaving as he cradles her face with his hands.

"I've been thinking about that for days," he sighs, reining himself in but still not withdrawing from her. 

"Me too," she whispers, her lips brushing against his with the words. He dips in for another kiss, this one slower, before he forces himself back an inch as though his self-control was being pulled from the very depth of his being.

"I'm not going to ask yet," he says and turns his face to nestle into her neck, his lips grazing her earlobe before drifting down.

"That's actually why I'm here," she manages despite the way she almost shivers with it. His head snaps up at that, gaze weary.

"Oh, okay." He draws back and she feels the loss of his heat like a doused fire. If she was being honest, she wanted to chase the flame, capture it in her palms and never let it go. But she had to do this right and that meant actually talking, not rushing in like a fool. "I can put the food in and then we can talk, if you want?"

"You sure you'll still want to feed me after?" She jokes and Cassian's face blanches, the fear creeping back in. What if he didn't want what she wanted? Would he really still be her friend or was she risking everything to appease her libido and maybe, secretly, her heart?

"Yes," he says abruptly, breaking into her thoughts. His expression has lightened, the brief doubt nowhere to be found as she looks up at him. "Of course. We're friends and I told you I wasn't going anywhere."

She nods and sits at the counter, watching as he turns towards the fridge and pulls a lasagne from the shelves. It only takes him a few moments to set the oven, his body doing a small spin of the space as he runs a mental checklist through. Jyn watches with a smile, the familiar sight warming her soul in the way only Cassian seemed to be able to.

"Alright. I'm done. You can break my heart now," he announces, coming to sit beside her with a stoicism she hates. She really hoped broken hearts weren’t on the table but she proceeded with caution anyways. 

“I wanted to say thank you first, for giving me time to think. Obviously when I opened this Pandora’s box it was rash and a crazy day and I reacted without really thinking through any of the implications that it would have. And while I won’t say it was a mistake, I do think it created a shit tonne of things I needed to figure out for myself,” she says, watching as his face remains unchanged but for a swallow that looks pained. “It’s been a bit much sorting through everything going on and I might have taken advantage of your willingness to wait - “ 

“I didn’t care - “ 

“I know. I get that. But still, I wanted to acknowledge that your patience was appreciated. And I think I’ve decided what I want so I want to talk about it more. With you.” 

“Me too,” he responds and his lips lift up in a hint of a smile. 

“If we’re going to try this then, I need you to know that keeping your friendship is my priority. I don’t want to  _ not  _ explore this physical side of things because I apparently really like when you kiss me, but if we start to lose the friendship side of our relationship then I’m going to be pissed. I need you on my side, Cassian. I need someone in my corner who stands by me even when I’ve put my foot in it.” 

“Do you think that by kissing me more I’m going to suddenly, magically, not value our friendship?” He asks, his head cocking to the side as his smile grows with her words. “Isn’t it more likely, and hear me out here, that we get  _ closer _ because of it?” His hands flex in his lap, almost like he wanted to reach for her but was holding back as he joked.

“Well, yeah, probably. But I just - I thought it was important for me to tell you that I want you, first and foremost, and your body is secondary to my needs,” she admits on a laugh, her brows furrowed in a tight smile. It didn't feel as awkward as she expected and maybe that was a good thing.

“Got it. My body is just a toy, you’re really after my brain. Which is funny because isn’t that the opposite of how these things usually start?” Jyn shakes her head and rolls her eyes, reaching for his hands. 

“We’re not like everyone else. You’re more important to me than most and I don’t want that to change.” Cassian’s hands turn over in hers and he holds tightly to her, his gaze softening. 

“You’re important to me too, you know. I didn’t know what I was going to do if you left over break like you’d planned because you’re the one person who I can count on here. You mean so much - I don’t want to lose that either. And yeah, everything is complicated right now and this is a terrible time to try this but I think we both know how much we mean to one another and that’s a good start. Theoretically, it’s the basis for something great, maybe,” he adds and Jyn wants it, wants his promise of it being something good for them both. She just wants him so much. 

“So what happens now?” She questions, holding tight to him as her heart hammers in her chest. 

“I think we start slow. Give ourselves time to adjust and figure this out with one exception: I propose that we can kiss each other whenever we want now.” His tongue darts out to wet his lips but he stays frozen still, his eyes locked on hers as she squeezes their hands together. 

"Whenever? Like now?" She’s the one to lean in, her body awkward as she reaches for him and grazes her lips over his. It’s only a brief contact but it’s enough to spur him into action, her stool jerked forward as he pulls her between his legs and lifts his hands to her face. 

The close proximity allows her to sit up straight as he leans into her, his tongue tracing the seam of her lips before she sighs and grants him entry. His attention makes her toes curl around the metal beneath her feet and she reaches for him, her arms snaking around his neck as one of his hands drops to her bump. 

“I want you,” he murmurs as his mouth trails along her neck, his fingers splaying over her belly before drifting to her back to rest against her spine. 

“Even though I’m the size of a whale?” She jokes breathlessly, moaning as he nips at a sensitive spot on her collar. 

“You're not, but if that's your worry then you could say I’m more interested in the girl than her current state.” 

“Oh good, then this isn’t like a weird fetish thing for you,” she hums and he chuckles, the hot puffs of his breath coasting along her exposed skin and leaving gooseflesh in their wake. 

“No, it’s not. It’s definitely a reverence for ‘ _ Jyn _ ’ rather than this,” he responds and ghosts his hand across her belly. “I want you. I’ve always wanted you. This is just an expected twist.” 

“Good. Though I don’t think I could care through the insane hormones in my system right now.” Her words seem to make him pause and he glances down at her, an eyebrow lifted. 

“I’m not an itch being scratched, am I?” He blurts, his usual smoothness fumbling around him as she pulls back and looks at him in horror. 

“No - absolutely not. I mean, yeah, I’m so much hornier than usual right now but that’s not it. I’ve got toys at home to play with. You’re not a toy to me. You’re who I actually care about,” she sputters and Cassian’s face softens, understanding. “I want you too, Cassian. And it’s not just because I need to get off, I promise.” 

“Alright,” he responds, leaning towards her once more. 

The kiss deepens as she wraps herself around him, struggling to get closer as his thighs bracket hers and his hands slip under her shirt to brush against her skin. She holds tight to his shoulders, moaning into his neck as he explores with his lips, his hands. It feels so good that she finds herself rotating her hips against the stool, desperate for pressure between her legs. 

“Dinner will be ready soon,” he says, his nose pressed to the dip in her throat. 

“Can we just turn it off and go to your room and make out or something?” She manages to whisper, his returning laughter into her skin making her whole body shiver. 

“You sure?” 

“Don’t make me beg.” 

“Oh but the image of that - “ He starts to respond and she pulls back, getting to her feet in a graceless movement. 

“Are you coming or am I doing this myself?” She asks pointedly and Cassian jumps to his feet, stepping around the counter and slapping at the oven buttons to turn the heat off. When it’s done, he gathers her up against him and returns his mouth to hers, swallowing her words as he backs them down the hall. 

They stumble into his bedroom, their shirts discarded somewhere along the way as hands drift and expose new skin to the cool air. His fingers make quick work of looping into the elastic of her pants, shoving them down so she can step out of them before he shucks his own belt and jeans. Before long they’re clad only in their under things, the back of Cassian’s knees bumping against the mattress. 

“I want to taste you,” he whispers, shifting them until she’s the one being guided down onto her back. 

"I thought we were taking it slow," she scolds playfully as his beard scrapes across her skin.

"This is an incremental step from our last encounter," he defends to her sighing laugh. 

"Fair, I guess. I’m not going to argue," she answers and goes down easily, enjoying the feeling of his mouth exploring her chest as he releases the front clasp on her bra. Her breasts spill out, larger than they used to be, and she tries not to cover herself as he groans and looks down at her. 

“Fuck, Jyn,” he says, his palm grazing over her breast before following the lifts and falls of her torso. He drops his mouth back to her skin, his tongue darting out to trace the bones in her collar before his lips wrap around her nipple and drag a high curse from her lips. The sensation burns right to her core, her hips rolling upward, seeking his touch. 

She tries not to let the feel of him make her crazy, his careful movements down her chest, his mouth planting a kiss over her raised belly button, all of it makes her want to clench her legs together to provide  _ some _ type of friction to relieve the desperate ache. When finally his fingers graze her thighs, pulling at the last piece of fabric on her, she can barely restrain herself from grabbing his head and pushing his mouth where she wants it most. 

“This okay?” He asks into her skin, her whining moan the only answer she can provide as her nails scrape against his scalp and he pushes her thigh up to open her to him.

When his tongue dips between her folds it’s like a hot poker has been pressed to her skin, her back flexing and jerking her hips from the bed as she cries out. She can practically feel his smile at her reaction, his hand reaching up to brush over her breast as he licks and tastes and pushes her higher. 

His fingers soon join his mouth and she keens, rolling up to meet his ministrations as she barrels towards her release. Her hands clench in the sheets, her toes curl and she bites the inside of her cheek to keep from yelping as he presses against something inside of her that makes her whole body lurch. It feels different than any of the other guys and she can’t tell if it’s because of her changing body or because it’s  _ Cassian _ and he’s got magic in his touch, either way, she can’t stop the way she practically bears down against him, her frame tense as his tongue makes her see stars. 

It doesn’t last nearly long enough, she realizes as she comes against his mouth. Her whole body shivers and shakes as he helps her ride it out, his thumb occasionally brushing her clit and causing her brain to short circuit. When he looks back up at her, her wetness on his lips and a knowing smile stretched across his features, she feels the warmth of his gaze and tries not to picture anything else hidden in his expression. Instead she reaches her arms out towards him and sighs as he comes to rest in her embrace, his kisses soft along her skin as his length pushes insistently against her leg. 

“Dinner?” He murmurs lazily, his hand resting over her chest and his breath fanning across her neck. 

“What about you?” She counters and drops her hand between them, her fingers wrapping around his hardened cock and pulling slightly to release it further from his boxers. He groans and thrusts into her grip, his breath coming in hot gasps as she repeats the movement. 

“I can wait,” he lies and Jyn laughs, rolling onto her side more fully and propping her head up with one hand. She pulls him again and he tries to hold his composure though his eyes close at the touch. 

“You sure? Your dick seems to think otherwise,” she says playfully as her thumb grazes over the head and he gasps. “You don’t want my mouth?” She whispers, latching her lips to his neck before sliding her nose along his throat. “Or my cunt?” Her fingers leave his length for a moment, capturing some of her wetness from between her legs before sliding it along his sensitive skin. 

“I want all of it,” he groans and his hips continue rolling into her touch, his own hands clinging to her flesh and leaving marks on her arm, her shoulder. 

“What do you want more?” She teases, walking her fingers up the trail of hair on his stomach towards his chest. 

“Purely for fairness, I want your mouth,” he manages and Jyn smiles, sitting up and slowly shifting towards the end of the bed to get onto her knees before him. He growls and reaches for her, pulling her back towards him. “No, don’t - that’s not comfortable for you,” he urges and Jyn shakes her head, looking up at him. 

“You just did it. I’ll be fine.” She moves to climb off the bed again and Cassian tugs her back down, getting to his knees and leaning over her to capture her lips with his. 

“Stay,” he orders after his kiss has turned her mind to mush, his body shifting away from her to crawl to his feet. He pulls his boxers off and crowds into the side of the mattress, bending down to run his fingers through her hair. “Slide over here,” he says, guiding her as she moves towards the edge of the bed and looks up at him. He ducks down to nip her lip before he stands back up, grabbing his length and palming it a few times as he watches her watch him. “Is this okay?” 

Jyn looks at his cock and then back to his face, her smile growing as she understands what he wants. Nodding quickly, she shimmies a few inches closer and runs a hand up his thigh before drawing him towards her. Her mouth surrounds him on an exhale, her tongue twisting over the head before sinking down his length. He jerks into her touch and she freezes, looking up at him with a hooded gaze. 

They take it slow, her lips wrapped around him and her fingers moving from his thigh to his length and then down to cup his balls. She plays with him, tastes him, and tries to keep her head about her as he rocks slowly into her mouth. The sounds he makes are low and half-strangled, his hands clenching in her hair as he tries not to lose control. In and out, she swirls her tongue and hums, guiding him slightly closer as she opens her throat to his deepening thrust. 

Cassian moans when she grazes her teeth along his skin, her lips returning to suck him back in as he bucks against her. His hand drops to her chest and he gently squeezes her breast, his torso barely able to keep upright as she holds him in her mouth. She can feel him getting closer, his hips rocking on their own as he begins to lean on her shoulder. Reaching for his rear, Jyn pulls him until her nose is almost touching the hair of his torso, his tip reaching back further in her throat. Her tongue flattens to the underside of his cock as she draws back once more and the combination of her suction and her nails on his thigh makes him rut deeper. 

“ _ Mierda, mamacita. Mierda _ ,” he gasps and his hand lifts to her jaw, holding it in his palm as he starts to pull away from her. “I’m gonna cum,” he manages, dropping a hand to stroke himself as Jyn growls and knocks it away. 

“Let me,” she rasps and before he can even think it through she’s taking him back in her mouth, her hand guiding his to her jaw to hold her in place. She reaches then to his back and urges him to thrust against her, his length disappearing into her mouth deeper with every push. When he’s finally got the motion she wants she shifts and rests her head on her arm, her free hand coming up to wrap around the base of his dick to keep him from going too deep. 

The position does the trick and he fucks into her mouth, his hand clenching and releasing on her jaw as he gets closer to his release. It seems to strike him by surprise, his legs going tense and his upper body turning to jelly as he braces himself against the mattress over top of her. His cum spurts into her mouth in thick streams, her attention focused on swallowing it back as he tries not to collapse on her. 

“Fuck,” he says eventually, his beard rubbing her shoulder as he shifts his hips away from her face and crawls over her onto the mattress. He collapses into a boneless puddle beside her, one hand remaining on her waist as he comes down from his orgasm. “Jesus, Jyn,” he growls after a minute, squeezing her side as she rolls over to face him. 

“Do you ever talk dirty in English or do you say it in Spanish because you think I can’t understand how filthy your mind actually is?” She asks playfully, smiling up at him as he glances towards her. 

“I think I say it in Spanish because when I’m with you I lose all ability to speak proper sentences,” he responds, his gaze locked on hers. She climbs to her hands and knees beside him, her hair falling out of it’s tie around her face as she dips down to kiss him. 

“Smooth line,” she mutters against his lips, grinning as he reaches for her once more. “But I’m still hungry. I need carbs to go with my protein,” she jokes and Cassian groans, shaking his head and pulling her back down for one final kiss. 

They eventually crawl out of bed and Cassian offers her a sweater and a pair of boxers, his own frame clad only in sweatpants as they relocate back to the kitchen. He ditches the oven and cuts two pieces of the lasagne, tossing them in the microwave as he pulls together a salad. 

Jyn spends the meal telling him about her apartment hunting and how Carla had finally noticed that she was pregnant, the woman’s reaction causing Jyn to want to beat her over the head with her textbooks. 

“She said that if I had the kid before term ended then it would be a distraction to everyone on the floor with its crying,” Jyn grumbles, stirring the lettuce on her plate as she recalls the conversation. 

“How has she not been reported for a human rights violation yet?” Cassian responds tightly, shaking his head. “If I’d said something like that to any of the girls on my floor when I was an RA, I’d have been kicked out of the university.” 

“Right?” Jyn snaps, waving her fork between them. “I need to get out of there before I straight up end her.” 

“Don’t do that. Having a kid in prison is not the solution,” he says brightly. “Come stay here.” 

“You’re the second person to tell me to come live with them lately. Am I really that pathetic?” Cassian looks up at her then, confusion in his features. 

“Did Leia offer?” She shakes her head and sets down her fork, realizing that she needed to probably have  _ this  _ conversation too. 

“Scott did. He’s got a second room in his place and he tried to argue it would be more convenient for us to go to appointments together and stuff,” she starts, her hands twisting in her lap.

“Oh. I didn’t realize he was doing that. Does that mean - should I - you don’t need me on the 16th then?” His voice doesn’t waver but she can sense the tightness in his shoulders, his guard starting to go up despite the way he tries to deny it. 

“Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. I think it would be good for him to come to them, what with him being the father and all. It’ll give you back so much of your time now too and if you want to ditch the parenting classes that's okay - I'm good to finish them on my own," she pauses, trying to judge the look on his face for a reaction. "He went and booked us into these birthing classes that start in a week so I think it’s easier if I just go with him for everything?” 

“No, of course. It would be - yeah. It’s good that he wants to go with you,” he forces out evenly and Jyn’s heart twists painfully at the sound of it. She didn’t need to see him to know that his false excitement was a lie. 

“It’s just because he’s the father, Cassian. I think I need to give him the space to try to be part of this or else he might not stick around and I can’t let - “ 

“Hey - no, Jyn, I’m not - it’s fine. It’s fine, really. I just didn’t want you to have to do any of it alone so if he’s going to be there then that’s great,” he lies and she can see right through it. Why did it hurt to tell him? Why did it feel so wrong to push him away to make space for Scott? 

“I’m sorry,” she says after a minute of silence, her brow furrowed and her gaze locked on the floor. 

“Don’t be sorry. This is good,” he adds and reaches his hand to run his fingers along the underside of her chin, tilting her head up to look at him. “I’m not standing in the way of this kid knowing its dad. I’m here for you, whatever you need, and if that means that Scott needs to step in then I understand that too. I just need you to keep talking to me about this stuff so that if I’m doing something wrong I know. Okay?” 

“I hate how understanding you are sometimes, you know that right?” She mumbles, drawing a smile from him as his thumb rubs circles across her cheek. 

“One of us has to be or we’d implode,” he counters softly and Jyn sighs, reaching for his shoulders to pull him towards her. He tastes like sweetness and garlic and she doesn’t want to let him go. Not tonight, not this week. Not ever, if he chose to stay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little Friday smut, as a treat ^.^


	15. Chapter 15

For the first week, the arrangement works. She goes to school, then to her parenting and birthing classes, before topping it off with a doctor's appointment that Scott manages to attend. They even manage to go shopping, Scott dragging her reluctantly into the maternity store where he buys her new pants and shirts that finally fit. 

"You can't wear bulky sweaters all the time," he insists and while she doesn't hate having clothes that fit, she also doesn't feel right about him buying her a new wardrobe. The kid, sure, he could get it stuff it would need, but her? She had been managing fine so far on her own.

"Are you sure? I really don't mind. The stuff I've got has been working just fine," she counters as he sets the items down at the till.

"I'm sure. Just let me do this for you," he sighs, seeing the hesitation on her face. His voice is nearly pleading and she hates it, giving in with a quick nod as he sets down his credit card. It would be more work to keep telling him no and if she was being honest, she just wasn’t up for contending with his pouty-look for the rest of the afternoon. 

She should have known then like a trigger that it was a bad idea to start changing things around. It's only a few days later, clad in one of her new outfits, that Professor Collins looks up as she steps into the room and does a double-take at the sight of her.

"Ms. Erso…" He starts, swallows, and looks at her like she's sprouted a second head. The men in her seminar turn from their laptops, their attention landing on her like a physical weight. 

She knows she's been caught the moment she sees the first wave of understanding hit her classmates, mouths opening in surprise and eyes widening. The desire to run is almost overwhelming and it freezes her in place, effectively prolonging her exposure and making sure that every single man in her course knew that she was knocked up. The murmurs start then, just whispers at first before they catch fire and move up the auditorium. 

Jyn, steeling herself, covers her bump with her bag and climbs the stairs to the back of the room and settles into a near empty row. The room buzzes around her and she ducks to give herself cover as she yanks her necklace free from her shirt. She makes quick work of releasing the clasp and slipping the ring off the chain and onto her finger, just in case. When she sits up again she finds a few classmates staring, their confused looks making her stomach turn. 

Thankfully, the awkward lull before class dissipates as Collins calls the room to order and attention is turned towards their lecture. 

She tries to pay attention but to say she manages to learn anything from the class would be an overstatement, she thinks as she gets to her feet as the class wraps up. Her attention is so far gone from the present situation that she doesn’t notice she’s walking into a snake pit until it’s too late. 

“When did you get hitched, Erso?” A voice calls out as she tries to duck around a group of her classmates blocking the door. 

“Last summer,” she bites back, pushing around an overfull backpack. 

“Funny, I didn’t get an invite and I was pretty sure I wasn’t sticking my dick in some married piece of ass in August.”

She doesn’t stop. She doesn’t hesitate. She takes off from the classroom like the whole place was on fire, her cheeks included as she sprints from the building. Her feet carry her through the milling students and across campus, back towards her dorm as fast as she can go. 

“ _ Fuck _ ,” she curses, throwing her bag onto her bed as she heaves a breath through her lungs. She seethes and tries to center herself, her hands on her hips as she stalks around the small space. “Tell them you’re married. Tell them it’s not a mistake. Ha! Because that worked out so fucking  _ well _ !” Jyn growls and pulls at the ring on her finger, throwing it to the ground. 

The sight of it, gold against her grey carpet, makes her chest ache in an indescribable way and she crouches down to pick it up again, slowly moving to sit on her bed as she lifts her necklace over her head. Returning the ring safely to its place next to her crystal, she sighs and rubs at her face. 

The worst of it was over, right? Word was out and sure, she’d attempted to lie her way through it but it hadn’t worked. Now she just had to do what was harder. She had to come out honest and fight every single one of those goons who harassed her for it. 

Now, if only she could get it together enough not to shake as she tried to pretend to be tough. 

* * *

Things don’t look up. Her classes the next day are full of awkward stares, hushed painful rumours and men who give her a head-to-toe look like they owned her. She doesn’t wear the ring because what’s the point? Her own defense is useless now and hadn’t it really just been for show in the first place? 

As the week goes on, she’s late to one of the birthing classes and finds Scott has already left, their lines crossed (or so he claims) as he thought she wasn’t coming. When he shows up to the next parenting class though, one where they dive into best sleep practices for infants, she tries not to hold it against him as he proceeds to talk over the instructor. The behaviour puts her off and when he offers to buy her dinner she turns him down, ready to go home and get a break. 

“Thank the gods you called,” Cassian sighs into the line later that evening as Jyn tries to steady her emotions from the week into some semblance of calm. “I’m marking these essays and they are pain reincarnated. These kids are using terms they don’t even understand to hit their word count.” 

“Yeah, I've done that before for my English classes. I don’t blame them,” she answers with a snort, her mood lightening slightly at his predicament. 

“Still - you probably had some grasp on the language. These kids do  _ not _ . How was your day? Didn’t you have one of your classes tonight?” 

“It didn’t work out today. Lines got crossed,” she answers with a hum and a quick dodge of the real misery that had been her day, the last week in general. 

“Oh, I’m sorry. Can I do anything to make it better?” He offers and Jyn almost sighs, wishing he was still the one who she relied on to attend these things with her. But she couldn’t have that now, not when she’d been the one to ask him to step back. These were the choices she had to live with, even if they were uncomfortable. 

“No. It’s my situation and I’ve just got to live with it - “ 

“Jyn - “ 

“No, it’s fine, really. I’ll be alright. It’s just been a shitty week,” she admits and the quiet sound he makes on the other end makes her wish he was here. 

“I miss being able to come over and crash at your place whenever I wanted,” Cassian says abruptly, his tone woeful despite the laughter that hides at the edges as he changes the conversation. 

“I don’t. You know how nice it is to have the whole bed to myself regularly now?” Jyn jokes in return, breaking from her mood to lean back in her chair as she chews on her thumbnail. Cassian scoffs and she can just picture his smile, the glint of teeth showing and the small crinkles at the corner of his eyes. 

“Tell me you miss me too. I haven’t seen you for over a week,” he laments pathetically. 

“I’m sorry, it’s just been really busy. I shouldn’t have taken on all of the classes all at once. We’re barely able to attend them all and - ” 

“ _ ‘Yes, Cassian, it’s true, I miss you too,’ _ ” he responds in a higher pitch as he attempts to imitate her voice, his laughter on the other end making her smile as it refocuses her attention to playfulness rather than her current mood. She follows along, trying not to picture him next to her, holding her, because the wish for it was too strong. 

“Fine. It is true. I wish you were here but I won’t say I’m not happy to have the whole bed to myself. It’s nice to wake up in the middle of the night to pee and not have to jump over you,” she counters. 

“Okay, you make a good argument and I will relent. Will I see you this weekend at least?” She looks at her calendar and swipes through the days, working around her coursework and the projects she needed to pay attention to. Was this what the next few months would we? Scheduling time together around their courses and her appointments? It wasn’t an appealing thought but she’d do it, if it meant he’d stick around. 

“Could we get together on Saturday? I have to meet with some of my classmates for a project and it’s going to go terribly so if I can come over after, maybe you can make it better?” Stars, she sounded desperate and she hated it. 

“Oh - Saturday… I’ve told Han I’d play in his euchre tournament with him. Maybe I can duck out early? Meet you around nine?” 

It wasn’t ideal, she already would have liked to have been in bed by then, what with how tired she was all the time now, but the thought of Cassian soothing the rough edges of the week down for her was too tempting to decline. 

“Yeah, I would be okay with that. Do you mind if I just come over after I’m done? If I come back here I’m probably not going to want to leave again,” she adds. 

“Sure. I’ll leave a key in your mailbox when I’m on campus tomorrow. Make yourself at home, feel free to put on my fancy apron, warm dinner on the stove for me - like a real housewife,” he jokes and Jyn snorts at the image, shaking her head. 

“As if you think I would ever wear an apron. Cooking? I don’t know her. We’d probably die if I tried.” 

“You’re really turning up the appeal now,” he chuckles and it’s contagious, her own laughter bubbling out of her. 

“I don’t know what you ever saw in me as a friend, Cassian. I am subpar at  _ best _ ,” she says eventually, enjoying the relief that floods through her with the conversation. She needed this. Needed  _ him _ . 

“You’re the farthest thing from subpar,  _ querida _ . I’ve gotta get back to this marking though. Call me tomorrow?” 

“Yeah. Have a good night. Don’t think about me missing you,” she instructs though she debates whether she’ll be able to follow her own instructions. 

“I’ll dream about you instead. Night.” 

“Night.” She hangs up, her heart fluttering in her chest as she holds the phone in her hand. She hadn’t wanted to tell him that she missed him, but stars, did she wish he was here with her right now. 

Looking back at her notebook, Jyn tries to ignore the ‘ _ Slut _ ’ scribbled onto the cover by one of her classmates while she had gone to the washroom during class. The sight of it makes her angry again and she wants to throw it across the room, the reminder of her inadequacies rearing up and hitting her head on. 

Why couldn’t this just be easy? 

* * *

She’s already asleep when Cassian stumbles into the apartment, his curse reaching down the hall and waking her up. There’s a string of indiscernible Spanish and then two thumps, his boots hitting the floor. Jyn sits up in the bed and waits for him to reach the bedroom, her tank top hanging low on her chest and a smile on her lips. 

“Shit,” he grumbles as he steps into the room and finally notices her, the shock of it rippling through his intoxicated frame. Jyn rolls her eyes at the sight of him - of course he would come back from Han’s like this, the man was a menace. “I forgot,” he says blearily, leaning against the wall to keep himself upright. 

“S’okay. Do you need me to help with anything?” She asks, her patience not at the highest level but still enough to give him grace. She was in  _ his _ place, afterall, and hadn’t they all had nights where it just got away from them? Besides, she was too exhausted from her week to give him shit for forgetting and if she was really being honest, he wasn’t the one she was annoyed with. 

“No. Go back to sleep,” he slurs before stepping to his dresser and ripping open the drawer. He stumbles away into the bathroom and she listens as he puts on the shower, curses as he steps into it and his feet slip on the floor. She listens for the fall but it never comes and so she lays back down and pulls the blankets back up over her shoulder. So much for her grand plan of seduction. He was far too gone for that tonight. 

She’s fallen back asleep by the time he makes it back to the bedroom and it’s only when he crawls onto the bed beside her that she wakes, looking over at him through the dark. His hand lifts to clumsily brush her hair back from her face, his palm heavy on her cheek before it slides down her neck. 

“Hi,” she whispers, afraid to break his reverence. 

“I forgot you were here,” he repeats. 

“I know. It’s okay.” And it is. She’s just glad he’s here now. 

“I drank too much. I’m sorry.” 

“Stop apologizing,” she replies and he hums, ducking his head to capture her lips. The kiss makes her toes curl and she sighs into it, her fingers tightening around his shoulder as she eases herself closer. “Cassian - you’re drunk,“ she gasps as his mouth works down her throat, his hand lazily palming her breast. Though she wants it - him and his touch and his mouth - she’s also keenly aware of the level of alcohol in his system from the state of his messy kiss and so she eases back, her hand coming up to cup his cheek as he blearily watches her. 

He recognizes the look and sighs, flopping onto his back as his breaths come in steadying gulps, his hand clumsily brushing over his brow. 

“ _ Te quiero _ ,” he whispers, not daring to face her. “ _ Te quiero tanto, no me puedo detener _ .” 

“Cassian,” she sighs and he looks at her, his gaze heavy with something she can’t quite identify in the low light. 

“ _ Perdóname _ . Forgive me.”

“No. There’s nothing to forgive,” she adds and reaches for him, drawing him towards her until his arms lift and she can burrow herself into his chest. Once she’s settled, she presses a kiss to his collar and sighs as his hands slide comfortingly across her back, his touch rippling through her body with the promise of tomorrow. Before she can even blink, his deep breaths have evened out and he’s gone, dead asleep in her embrace and leaving her needy and wide awake. 

* * *

“How’s your head?” Jyn asks from the couch as Cassian ventures out of his room for the first time that morning, his hair mussed and his eyes half-closed. Last night hadn’t been the ending to the week she had been expecting but she wasn’t going to let it sour today. No, she was determined to look at today as a better day, one that she would take by the horns if she could because she was tired of feeling like a victim of the men around her. 

“I hate hanging out with Han if there’s no supervision,” he grumbles, pouring himself a cup of coffee and leaning against the counter to let the steam waft into his face. 

“You were pretty wrecked. Do you remember anything?” She counters, a ghost of a smile on her lips. He pauses and closes his eyes, frowning when he looks back at her. 

“I  _ was _ wrecked,” he says, his knuckles white as they wrap around his mug. “I was too drunk to stay awake with you, I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay.” He stands silently at the counter for another moment before coming to join her on the couch, sitting down beside her as he sets his mug down on the table and she does the same with the parenting book she’d found tucked under the cushion. 

“I’m just sorry I forgot you were coming over. I would have come home earlier,” he responds softly, glancing up at her. She smiles and leans towards him, reaching her hand out to run her fingers through his hair. 

“It happens,” she murmurs and finally,  _ finally _ , he looks up at her with a wry grin, her closeness getting through his hangover. His kiss is gentle, tentative, and she eases into it, tasting the coffee on his breath and feeling his shaking exhale run through him. “I could be convinced to keep you awake today, if you’re up for it.” 

“Jyn,” he warns against her lips, holding tightly to his control. “Don’t tempt me. I’m still hungover and my self-control is weak.” 

“I’m banking on it because if I’m being honest, I had big plans for last night and I never got to act on them.” He groans and runs a hand along her thigh, squeezing it as she nips at his lip. 

“Tell me about your plans,” he urges and reaches for her with both arms, his mouth sinking down along her throat. 

“I was going to pretend I was asleep,” she starts, hissing as his fingers graze up her skin. “And when you got in bed I was going to jump you. I even wore my fanciest underwear.” 

“Fuck,” he gasps, his hands making a beeline to the waistband of her sweatpants and pulling them down to glance at the lace. His thumb rubs across the fabric and she smiles to herself, pleased that they still fit and would get one last good use before she got too big to wear them. “Tell me I can take them off,” he requests and Jyn nods, leaning back on her hands to lift her hips up enough to pull them loose. 

Cassian groans as he exposes her lower half, his hand running up between her legs and sliding against the curls there. She bites back a moan as he slips a finger inside, his thumb pressing on her clit and circling tightly as he watches her shift under him. His mouth returns to her skin, trailing fire along it as his hand continues its movements and he adds a second finger. She wants more, needs more, and so she rallies her strength and coordination and pushes herself towards him, ignoring the odd balance as she wraps her arms around his neck. 

The move throws them both out of sync and their teeth clash, a bubble of laughter escaping from her as he grunts and tries to steady her onslaught. 

“I want you,” she growls, reaching for his own pants and scrambling to push them from his hips. He helps her by lifting up and shucking them past his knees, exposing himself to her gaze as he settles back on the cushions naked before her. She’s left clad only in her sleep shirt, the thin fabric hanging between them as she kneels at his side. His hand drifts back between her legs as his lips find hers, the kiss lazy and causing her to moan at the back of her throat. 

“Can I take this off? I want to see you too,” he requests in between kisses, his breath hot on her skin as his hand pulls lightly at the fabric. She doesn’t need to be asked twice, her hands dropping to the hem and pulling it over her head in one fell swoop. Cassian’s hand lifts from her hip to her chin, guiding her back down towards him as he continues the movements of his fingers between her legs. 

Enjoying the touch of him everywhere, the heat rolling off of him, Jyn steadies herself on his shoulders and shimmies her knee until it’s touching his thigh, her eyes opening to meet his in a silent question. He nods and drops his palm to her leg, guiding it over his lap until she’s straddling his legs and the tip of his length is pressing into her belly. 

Desperate to feel him closer, she leans down and holds herself close to him, a small cry escaping her as his thumbs press into her thighs and her nipples brush against the hair on his chest. 

“You’re so wet,” he whispers, cupping her mound and holding it as she rocks into his hand. 

“I want to feel you inside me,” she murmurs in return, trying to hold herself together as his breath sputters in his chest. 

“Did you grab any condoms?” Her mind blanks and she looks at him, a brief shake of her head. “Okay - just, give me a sec - “ 

“Do we need them?” She wonders aloud, holding him in place as he motions to shift her off of him. Her hand waves across her bump, her head cocked in question. 

“I don’t know - have you been tested? Or had any partners since your last test?” She thinks back to her first appointments, the tests she’d completed then and how they’d all come back negative. 

“I had one when I first found out and it was clear. And obviously I haven’t been with anyone since. What about you?” 

“I got tested last summer and it’s only been you,” he answers quickly, a smile growing. “Are you sure you’re good without one?” 

“I am. Are you? I mean, the worst has already happened, hasn’t it?” She laughs and Cassian shakes his head, surging up to kiss her quickly. If there was anyone in the world she felt comfortable enough sharing her body with, it was him, and maybe that meant something she didn’t quite know how to put into words. 

“I’m good. I’m so fucking good.” His answer comes on a harsh exhale, his hand against her cheek as she runs her fingers down his chest. Her palm wraps around his cock, sliding over it a few times before running it through her folds. “You’re going to kill me if you do that much longer,” he manages with a hiss as she dips and takes the head inside before pulling back off of it to repeat the move. 

“You’re not allowed to die,” she whispers into his ear, sliding against him once more before he drops his hands to her hips and presses until she’s got no option but to sink onto him. Once he’s inside, she pauses to steal a breath as he swears below her, his hands clenching against her skin. “You feel so goddamn good,” she groans, resting her head against his. 

The words must spur something in him because he starts to shift below her, his hips rocking up and moving him within her more with each push. She feels each deepening thrust like a string pulling taught, her body clenching around him as she rides his lap. He’s careful, observant, and when a particularly hard jerk knocks her back and off-balance, he grabs for her arms and steadies her above him with a tight laugh. 

She tries to watch his face, her hands on his chest, his shoulder, holding her up as she rolls her hips down towards him. When his brow tightens she notices his movements slow, almost like he was nearing the peak and he was desperate to hold on a few minutes more. The knowledge sparks inside her and she drops her hand between her legs, touching herself as he holds himself still below her movements. Opening his eyes again, Cassian growls and brushes her hand away, replacing it with his own and reaching up to wrap his lips around her nipple. 

It isn’t as awkward as she expects, her bump only a small thing to work around as he curls up towards her. His height works in their favour as she only has to bend slightly to reach his lips, her breath coming quicker as she feels herself climbing higher under his touch. With one hand between her legs and the other grazing across her chest, down over her belly and back towards her ass, Jyn moans as he begins to pick up the pace. 

“I’m close,” he mumbles against her lips, a hand sliding up her spine to hold her face close to his. She grinds down harder against his hips and the pressure builds, her blood burning through her more with every breath. He comes with a groan and his fingers gripping her skin, bruising marks bursting beneath his touch as he clings to her and empties himself inside her, the pulse of him between her legs making her tighten. 

“Please,” she whispers into his ear as he starts to come down, his length still inside her as she rolls against him, determined to find her own release. He picks up on her need with the plea and captures her lips, circling his fingers on her clit and thrusting up into her as she chases after it. She feels her orgasm snap like a string, crying out against his mouth as she rides it out and clenches around his softening length. He slips from her as she’s still recovering, her forehead resting on his shoulder as he runs his hands up her back. 

“I think I died,” he rasps into her hair, a laugh hovering at the edge of his voice. “I think I died and this is heaven.” 

“You might be right,” she returns, turning her head to press a kiss to his neck. He sighs under the touch and returns it to her shoulder, holding her as close as he can. 

“Unfortunately though, I don’t think you killed my hangover. I might have just emptied the last of my fluids into you,” he says and Jyn can’t help the burst of laughter that escapes her, leaning back to look at his face. His eyes are closed but a smile spreads across his lips, her heart squeezing painfully in her chest at the sight. 

She loves him, she thinks. 

No. She knows.  _ Fuck _ . 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And another chapter.... I will eventually finish writing this thing, right?


	16. Chapter 16

“So this is a  _ thing _ thing?” Shara asks with a lifted brow, her hand motioning towards the corner of the kitchen where Cassian was proceeding to argue with Chewie over the right amount of peppers to put in the chili. 

“Yes - tell us how you both finally pulled your heads out of your asses to get together,” Leia urges as she takes a sip of her drink. Jyn rolls her eyes and tries not to feel annoyed at her sparkling water beverage as the rest of the group - with the noted exception of Cassian - demolishes a case of beer. 

They’d come over for cards and drinks, a rare off evening shoved into everyone’s calendars at the last minute to capitalize on… Well, she wasn’t quite sure, but the group seemed rowdy enough to be enjoying themselves and Jyn wasn’t going to argue. She was just glad to be out of her dorm, the lonely room almost suffocating now that all she did there was sleep and study when she wasn’t in class or running to one of her appointments. Despite the exhaustion that hovered around the edges of her mind, Jyn jumped at the chance when Cassian offered to swing by and get her for the night, a last ditch effort on his part to help bridge the gap in their schedules that had kept them apart for most of the last week. 

_ The sight of him outside her building wrapped in his parka with pink cheeks from the cold makes her chest ache and she can’t stop herself from lunging at him, lips turning up to steal a kiss as she tries not to slip on her toes. Thankfully, it seems like he's just as desperate as her as he clutches her tightly, his cold fingers managing to find a slip of skin under her thin jacket as she hisses into his mouth.  _

_ “You need a better coat,” he murmurs after a moment, drawing back and tugging the fabric down to cover the patch of skin he’d unearthed.  _

_ “It would be fine if you would stop trying to feel me up in the middle of winter,” she answers as he scoffs, his hands patting the fabric down before he finally pulls back. His fingers lift to pop the collar on her jacket before he tugs his scarf from around his neck and loops it around hers instead.  _

_ “Better. Now we can go,” he adds and grabs for her hand, leading them in the direction of Han’s place as she tries not to bury her nose in the fabric around her neck.  _

_ The walk is slow but with good reason - Cassian purposely eases her pace about halfway and tugs her close, his arm looping around her shoulder as she glances up at him with a half-smirk.  _

_ “We’ll never get there if you keep dragging your feet,” Jyn scolds after a few minutes.  _

_ “Maybe I don’t want to. Maybe I just wanted an excuse to hangout with you,” he answers easily, like he’d been waiting for her to take the bait. “Really though, let’s just take a minute to look at this. We haven’t actually hung out with everyone since we decided to try this out - how do you wanna play it?”  _

_ “What do you mean?” She counters, slowing to a stop and looking up at him with wary eyes. “Can’t we just be ourselves? Would they even notice?”  _

_ “Yeah, I mean we can do that. I can keep my hands to myself and behave. Is that what you want? I don’t care but I just - I need to get it in my head that I can’t just pull you to me at any given - “  _

_ “I mean, you could, couldn’t you? How different is this than any other get together for us? Don’t we usually stay attached at the hip? Are they really going to notice if I’m any more close to you than before?”  _

_ “They might not. We could try it. If it doesn’t work though, are you okay if they know?” He presses and Jyn picks up on the real issue at hand, his nerves about pushing her - them - further into the light than she was ready for. Always two steps ahead, this man, and maybe that’s why she trusted him implicitly.  _

_ “I think I’d be okay, if you were. I guess they already thought we were together but keeping it under wraps. What could it hurt if they figured it out?” She responds and Cassian’s smile flickers warmly just a touch, his hands lifting to cup her chin as he ducks down to kiss her. Lifting her fingers to wrap around his wrists, Jyn sighs into the kiss and lets him deepen it, holding on for dear life as he pulls her close.  _

_ “We really should keep moving though,” she manages to get in as her heart races, his teeth gentle as they graze her lip. “Otherwise I might freeze to death out here in my shitty coat.”  _

_ His laughter bursts out of him and he sighs, holding her close for another moment before he returns to leading them down the road, their fingers linked together as they go.  _

They hadn’t been able to keep it under wraps for longer than a minute, Luke’s chin dropping as he opened the door to find them sharing one last kiss before entering the snake pit that was their group of friends. The man had promptly raced back into the apartment, telling the whole room of what he’d seen before they could even remove their boots. Walking into the living room had been like arriving at a concert, the hoots and clapping making her eyes roll as she dragged Cassian out of the room and towards the kitchen where at least Chewie wouldn’t press for details. 

Now she’d been cornered by Shara and Leia, the two women sitting down at the kitchen table with her and leaning their chins heavily in their palms. 

“It just - it happened. There’s nothing really - “

“Oh come on! Jyn! It’s gotta be more than just  _ ‘oh well you know it was just something, nothing much to say,’ _ ” Leia grumbles, lifting her hands in frustration as she looks across the table at her friend. "It's been years of this, we deserve to know what the breaking point was."

“What are you guys talking about?” Bodhi breaks in, leaning against the side of her chair and drawing the women’s eyes up to him. 

“Jyn was just telling us about how her and Cassian finally decided to make it official,” Shara answers dreamily, sighing for emphasis as Bodhi snorts and lifts a hand to squeeze Jyn’s shoulder. 

“I’d put money on it being a fight,” Bodhi replies as Leia sits up and nods. 

“Yes - very likely proposition. But I’m going to say… They had sex and  _ then _ decided that they were wasting time by pretending they were just friends.” 

“Leia, you’re just as crude as Jyn sometimes. I’m betting it was a slip of the tongue. Someone had bigger feelings than the other and it just sort of, tumbled out of their mouths and then it was too late to pull it back but that didn’t matter because the other person said it back and boom! Love,” Shara adds in a determined rush, her eyes lighting up as Jyn rubs her face and wishes she could have a drink for this conversation. 

“So? Who wins?” Leia asks eventually when Jyn remains silent. 

“All of you were remarkably close, but there are no correct winners in this conversation,” Kay interjects, hoving over the fridge door as he fishes out another vodka soda and turns to look at them all. “It was, in fact, an impulsive kiss, a perceived slight, a frantic chase, and then - “

“ _ Kay _ ,” Jyn groans, loud enough to have Cassian turn away from the pot to look across the room at them. He raises a brow in question and Jyn throws up her hands, getting to her feet as she sets her drink down on the table. 

“You can’t leave it like that!” Bodhi whines. Kay opens his mouth to speak and Jyn raises a finger at him, her expression threatening as she begins to move across the room. 

“Don’t you  _ dare _ . It doesn’t matter how it happened or why this cloud-botherer seemingly knows all of the finer details. All that matters is that it’s happened and it’s good and you all can piss off now. Alright?” She finishes loudly, reaching up and dropping a kiss on Cassian’s cheek before leaving the kitchen for the living room. 

Settling onto the couch beside Han, Jyn turns her attention to the game that he and Kes are playing, Luke cheering on from the other side of her as the race clicks down to it’s final seconds. She’s only left in videogame exile for a few moments before she can hear Cassian’s quiet scolding of Kay in the hallway, the man’s voice low as he apologizes for reading the room incorrectly. Jyn allows herself a small smile before Cassian appears, his eyes apologetic. 

“Did you tell them all?” She asks from across the room. Cassian shakes his head and settles his hands on his hips, watching as she gets to her feet and comes to join him in the doorway. “Good. You’re forgiven,” she assures and links her arms around his neck, leaning against his chest and reveling in the sound of his heartbeat for a drawn out moment. 

“You guys are missing the cutest shit,” Han shouts as he crosses the finish line and turns towards the kitchen, his eyes full of mirth. “These two idiots are taking their canoodling on a roadshow and it’s driving me to drink - “ 

“Like you needed another reason,” Leia interjects quickly. “But you weren’t lying - this is the cutest shit. Why do  _ you _ never do shit like this?” She adds and slaps Han’s shoulder as he walks past her. 

Jyn sighs and burrows in closer for another minute before tugging Cassian’s hand and pulling him past the living room and down towards the bedrooms. Ducking into the bathroom, she shuts the door behind them and leans back against the counter, watching as Cassian stares back at her. 

“On a scale of one to murder, how upset are you about Kay?” He asks after a minute, gauging her reaction. 

“I’m not - just… Surprised you told him, I think.” He glances down towards the floor before looking back up at her, his expression steady. 

“I told him at Han’s euchre night. I hadn’t meant to - it just happened - but I wasn’t in my best state and he was driving me home and - “ 

“Does he think I’m a slut for making a move now - with everything?” Jyn manages to grumble, arms coming to wrap around her torso protectively. 

“No. He absolutely does not. He was surprised, I think, but I do somehow remember him telling me that it was about time I came forward with my feelings so I’m pretty sure he doesn’t hold any of it against you. Maybe he holds it against me, but definitely not you. Why? Did he say something?” 

“No, but it’s - he wouldn’t be the first for thinking I am. Look at me, I’m clearly an unwed single mother-to-be. I’m sure it’s on the tip of the tongue of many of the guys in my program - “ 

“They don’t matter,” Cassian assures swiftly, taking a step closer as she looks away. His hand comes up to cup her cheek, drawing her gaze back to his as his thumb brushes over her skin. “All that matters is that you’re happy, alright? What others think of you is just background noise.” 

She doesn’t respond, the memory of her notebook with its ‘slut’ artwork flickering in her mind as she sighs and lets him wrap himself around her, his chin coming to rest on her head as her hands loop around his waist. They stand together for another few minutes, the warmth of their embrace steadying her thoughts as his hands run soothing lines up and down her spine. 

“You ready to get back out there? The chili should be ready soon,” he murmurs eventually, drawing back to look at her. She nods and pushes herself away from the counter and towards the door. She’s almost pulled it open when Cassian’s hand comes down and snaps it shut again, his palms coming up to tilt her chin towards him as his lips meet hers in a searing kiss. It sends heat rushing through her veins and when he pulls back, Jyn nearly falls into him as she loses her balance without him keeping her upright. “Now we can go,” he states and Jyn grins wickedly, dragging him back down to her lips for the final word. 

Back with the others, the rest of the evening passes in relative chaos, the food distributed along with more drinks and teams being established for the round robin tournament that had been haphazardly thrown together for them all. Three hours of playing has her exhausted and when they finally call it quits she’s halfway to being asleep out on the couch after being defeated earlier in the evening. 

“Hey - Kay offered to drive us back to mine, or we can drop you off at yours?” Cassian offers softly, rousing her from her curled up position against the armrest. 

“I just want a bed,” she grumbles and Cassian laughs softly, shifting back to standing as Jyn slowly joins him. He hands her his jacket and pulls an oversized sweater over his head, the bright orange harsh in the apartment lights. “I can wear my own coat,” she growls, pressing his coat back into his arms as she grabs for the fabric in this grip. 

“Don’t fight me on this - just take the parka for tonight. It’s dropped like five million degrees, you’ll freeze in this thing,” he urges and pushes his coat back into her arms. She takes it reluctantly, slipping her arms through the sleeves and cursing his determination all the while. When he reaches to pull the zipper up over her bump she swats at his hands and reaches for it herself, yanking at the metal clasp as she hisses out expletives in her tired state. 

“She would have murdered me for trying that,” Bodhi stage whispers from across the room and Jyn shoots daggers towards him with her eyes, the threat clear as she grabs her bag and follows Cassian and Kay out of the apartment in a daze. 

They’re back at Cassian’s apartment before she even realizes, her body heavy as they climb the stairs towards his door. Inside the apartment she shucks her things at the door in a mess of fabric and canvas before she heads down the hallway towards the bedroom, discarding her clothes along the way. 

“That’s not how you tempt me to sleep,” Cassian calls as he watches her go, bending to pick up her clothes behind her. She shrugs as she reaches the bedroom door, not bothering to turn on the light as she beelines towards the bed in just her underwear, her hand resting over her belly as she goes. Crawling under the covers, Jyn yawns as Cassian sets her things on the dresser and then turns on the light to her returning hiss. “I’m just getting you a shirt so you don’t get cold - sue me.” 

Jyn catches the shirt as it’s tossed towards her, sleepily sitting up and pulling it over her head as she discards her bra to the foot of the mattress. Cassian changes quickly into his pyjama pants and pads across the room, lifting up the covers and sliding in next to her with a shiver. 

“Tonight was good,” she murmurs, her eyes closed and her hand slowly grazing over her bump as he joins it with his own. 

“They’re all good if you’re there,” he adds softly and Jyn can’t help her snort, her eyes opening just a touch to look at him through the low light. His dark eyes shimmer and she can’t help but shift closer until his hand is forced from her belly to her back, her leg slipping between his. “Again, not the way to encourage sleep,” he chuckles. 

“Maybe I don’t want to sleep,” she responds on a yawn. Cassian ducks his head to capture her lips, the kiss gentle and slow, seeking but not pushing. She could pull back if she wanted, she could fall asleep like this, but she doesn’t. Instead she opens her mouth to his, let’s his tongue slip between her lips, encourages his quiet moan with her nails scraping across his skin. 

There isn’t much talking after that as their hands drift and run across exposed skin. Jyn can't stop herself from tangling her fingers in his hair, gasping as his mouth moves to her throat and then across the skin uncovered by the loose shirt, nose bumping against the ring and crystal on her chain. His palms track up from her hips, rising to her breasts as her breath catches. The shirt - before a good idea but now a barrier - is quickly pushed out of the way as he dips lower and moves his mouth to her ribs, her bump, and then lower still. 

She goes easily as he urges her onto her back, his torso sliding down to rest between her legs as he guides them open. Fingers press against the fabric of her underwear as his mouth trails kisses across her new stretch marks, her protruding belly, before his forehead rests for a moment. 

“ _ Desearía que fueras mío _ ,” he whispers and Jyn wishes she could understand him, just this once, because when he returns his lips to her skin it’s so gentle, so painfully sweet, that her eyes start to burn as he tugs the underwear from her hips. 

His mouth sinks to her thighs, trailing along the skin as his fingers move across her slit, teasing and tracing her slick through her folds. When his lips finally settle between her legs she’s already so close, her body thrumming and tight like a string as he presses two fingers inside her. His tongue eventually flicks her clit and she can’t stop the cry that escapes from her chest. In return, Cassian moans and she feels the pressure of it reverberate through her, her whole body tightening in response. When she peaks a few moments later, it’s with her fingers tangled in his hair and her feet pressed into the mattress, his mouth held tight to her most sensitive spots. 

He rides her orgasm out with her and when she can’t take it anymore she releases his hair, instead reaching for his shoulders to pull him back up. Sliding into place alongside her, Jyn palms at his hardened length, marvelling at the way he seems so turned on by her, even with her pregnant belly and her scarred skin. When his lips find hers again, the taste of her on his mouth, Jyn sighs and draws back to roll onto her side, tugging him up behind her. 

The press of his chest to her back, of his legs tucking in behind hers, has Jyn reaching down and guiding his cock between her folds. He needs no further hint at what she wants, easing his hips forward until they’re joined and his breath is hot pants along her spine. Her fingers grasp desperately for his, tightening around where they’ve settled on her hips and pulling one hand up to cup her breast. His mouth trails across the skin of her shoulder as he begins to move, his movements slow, measured, and so far from what she expects that she can’t help but clench around him in response. When he abruptly bucks in reply it nearly knocks the breath from her lungs. 

“ _ Fuck _ ,” she gasps as his pace picks up, his hand from her breast dropping back between her legs to circle her sensitive clit. So soon after her last release, she half-expects to be left hanging but within minutes she’s riding high on another rush, his thrusts and his breath and the desperate way he’s wrapped himself around her, arm under her head and clutching across her torso to hold them together, making her mind short out. “ _ Cassian _ ,” she grinds out as his fingers change their rotation and she bursts, clenching and whimpering and falling apart at the seams. 

He fights against his own release for another valiant minute before his pace stutters and his hand grips tightly to her hip, holding her in place as he pushes in as deep as he can get. His guttural cry against her shoulder, the broken tinge of it, makes her heart stumble as she reaches back and runs her fingers through his hair to hold him close. The pulse of him between her legs begins to dull and he comes back to himself, his lips returning their gentle kisses to her shoulder, his length slipping from her body and trailing fluids between her thighs. They lay together for another few minutes, recovering, cuddling, before Jyn sighs and lifts his hand up so that she can place a kiss to his palm. 

“I should go clean up,” she murmurs eventually, rolling to face him. He nods and draws her in for a deep kiss, his hand heavy at the back of her neck. When she does pull back he watches her go with those dark eyes, his expression heavy with something she can’t quite place. 

By the time she’s returned, he’s already fallen asleep and so she does her best to curl into him, hopeful that sleep will come easily with his warmth surrounding her. 

* * *

She wakes the next day to the ring of her phone, her body jolting up and getting caught as the chain around her neck drags her back down. Cassian’s fingers have tangled with the gold band, his dazed eyes blinking open in surprise as Jyn tugs his hand away and she climbs over him in a rush to go answer her phone. 

“Hello?” She greets in the front hallway, breathless. 

“Where are you? I thought we had plans and I’m here at your building but you’re not answering your buzzer,” Scott’s annoyed voice sounds through the phone. Jyn presses her hand to her forehead and stalks back towards the bedroom, grabbing her things off the dresser and struggling to put them on with only one hand. 

“You’re right, we did have plans. I’ll be there in twenty minutes,” she answers, avoiding looking at Cassian as he sits up in bed. She knew that if she looked at him now, with his ruffled hair and his pillow-marked face, she would bail on Scott and crawl back into bed without a second thought. 

“Fine. I’ll be in the car,” Scott grumbles and ends the call. 

Jyn tosses her phone on the dresser as she hastily pulls on her pants, struggling to do up the clasp before tugging her shirt over her head. 

“Where are you going? It’s so early,” Cassian asks, watching as she roams the room for her bra. 

“Scott. He’s at the dorm waiting for me, I forgot.” 

“Oh… Can you cancel? I was thinking breakfast, maybe we go get you a new coat before class or - “ 

“Cassian, I can’t. I’m sorry, but I’ve gotta go,” she interjects swiftly, attaching the clasp and dropping her shirt hem. She stalks across the room and plants a kiss on his lips before turning on her heel and heading for the door. “I’ll call you later, okay?” She shouts, her mind already having left the apartment. 

“Yeah, right,” he answers miserably as she pulls on her boots and reaches for the door. She debates returning to the room, cornering Cassian and his sour mood and having this out with him now, but then she remembers Scott and his appointment this afternoon with his financial counsellor and how they already had a list of things they were supposed to look into before their next birthing class. She couldn’t do both. 

And so, foolishly, she figures Cassian is just moody from being woken up and proceeds with pulling on her 'shitty' coat and grabbing her bag before heading for the stairwell without asking him just what the hell  _ that  _ tone was after their perfectly content evening together. She’d deal with it later. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all, I'm sorry this is late! I've changed up my living situation and work is a bit much right now so I fell behind! Please forgive me and hopefully you enjoy this chapter :)


	17. Chapter 17

She’s trying not to get annoyed, really, she is, it’s just - it’s hard when she’s so frequently left hanging. When Scott had signed up to attend these classes with her the assumption was that he’d be there too. But he wasn’t. 

On more than one occasion he’d skipped out on their birthing classes, leaving her to sit alone in the back of the room like the very obvious, very short-tempered single mother she was set to be. She didn’t want to be  _ that _ person, who didn’t give someone leeway to adjust to major life changes, but she needed him here. What was the point of coming if she wasn’t going to be able to try some of the practice sessions with a partner? What was the point of wasting her time if the only thing she got out of the class was judgemental stares from the other mothers and their partners? 

She hated this class. She hated being here alone. She hated that it wasn't Cassian at her side, helping her through this tangled mess.

Getting to her feet, Jyn grabs her bag and ducks out the back door as the teacher calls for her in the hallway. She keeps walking, swallowing back the angry tears that threaten to fall as she makes her way towards the exit, not daring to look back. 

They were three weeks into this and she had exams to study for and an Easter weekend with Scott’s family to pretend to be excited about. She didn’t need to waste her time in classes that she was the only one showing up for. 

Pulling out her phone, she opens up her messaging app and swipes until she’s on Scott’s last message. 

_ Be 5 min late  _ \- Scott, 6:05pm

_ I’ve left  _ \- Jyn, 6:35pm 

She shoves the phone back in her bag and tries to keep her head about her as she walks the long distance home on the sidewalks covered in melting snow, determined to walk off her anger as she goes. 

Scott was… Not reliable. His intentions were good, she knew that, had talked to him in depth about it, but he still couldn’t be trusted to show up when she needed him. He had been trying to attend her appointments and had even booked these classes for them but he’d only managed to attend half so far, always promising big and then not delivering. She was tired of being the only one showing up, even if that was really the sign of things to come. 

Maybe it was a pipe dream to think she wasn’t doing this alone in the end. 

The worst part of all of this was that she couldn’t talk to Cassian about it and she wanted to, desperately. When Scott had first offered to attend these things she’d asked Cassian to take a back seat to this part and he had, without question. It had meant they spent less time together, their stolen hours so few as they balanced heavy workloads with her added pregnancy schedule and she was forced to cancel on him more than she wanted. The distance between them was starting to wear on them and she didn't know how to fix it without telling him everything that was going on. She hated it, but she couldn’t whine to Cassian now that Scott wasn’t filling the gap he’d left - he’d probably tell her she was foolish for getting her hopes up, or worse, that she should have known he would be this flaky. If he was feeling particularly roused, Jyn couldn’t say for sure that Cassian wouldn’t call Scott himself and skewer him for not showing up on her behalf. She couldn’t let that happen. She _ wouldn't _ let that happen.

No, she had to figure out this mess on her own without driving a bigger wedge between her and Cassian's fledgling relationship. 

Grabbing her phone again, Jyn dials Baze’s number and smiles at his gruff greeting as she leans into the chaos of her life with open arms.

“Jyn - is everything alright?” He asks, picking up on the fact that she never actually called unless it was an emergency. 

“Yes. That woman you were talking about. Would she still meet me?” Baze sighs on the other end and Jyn can practically feel him relaxing with it. 

“Of course she will. How about tea tomorrow afternoon?” She mentally checks over her calendar and nods, holding the phone tighter in her hand. 

“I’ll be there. See you,” she adds and Baze bids a gruff goodbye. 

Almost at her building, Jyn keeps her head down and her hands tucked in her pockets as she walks the last block. She’s so determined to keep her attention on putting one foot in front of the other that she doesn’t notice the car pulling up beside her, idling along the sidewalk. 

“Jyn! I’m sorry!” Scott shouts and breaks through to her. She looks up at him and scowls, angrily looking back to the ground and picking up her pace. She didn’t want to talk about this - not now, not with him. “Hey - don’t - Jyn, come on! I was on my way! I got stuck in traffic!” 

“Fuck off, Scott,” she shouts back, hurrying to put some distance between her and his car. She only gets a few more feet before he’s coming up behind her, his hand wrapping around her arm and stopping her abruptly. Twisting on her heel, she slaps at his hand and jabs her finger into his chest, eyes blazing. “Don’t touch me! You  _ always _ have an excuse for why you didn’t make it, or why you were late. I’m getting fucking tired of them. If you don’t - “ 

“That’s because things come up! You know how it is - “ 

“Yeah? Do I? Because I’m still attending all of the classes. I’m there, on time, and I’m walking to all of them even though you’ve picked the farthest fucking place because it’s closer to your apartment. You think you’re being good about this but you’re  _ not _ !” 

“Can you blame me? I’ve known about this for like what, a month? I haven’t had the luxury of - “ 

“The luxury? The  _ luxury _ ?” She seethes, growling and turning away from him again to keep walking. 

“Don’t walk away from me!” He shouts and scrambles up ahead of her, blocking her path. Thankfully, for him, he doesn’t touch her again. If he had, she couldn’t be held responsible for breaking one of his bones. 

“It hasn’t been a luxury, hiding this from everyone I care about. It hasn’t been a luxury to have to go to my appointments by myself, or to walk into Planned Parenthood through a tunnel of religious assholes who would rather scream about me getting an abortion than provide one cent for social services that are going to be the only thing I can fucking rely on after it’s born - “ 

“You can rely on me, Jyn,” he urges, hands on his hips. It almost makes her laugh, a sharp sound rising up her throat and threatening to spill out. 

“I can’t! Don’t you see? You’re not reliable now so what makes you think - “ 

“I’ll be better. I told you I wasn’t ready. You need to give me time.” Jyn shakes her head at that and turns up the sidewalk towards her building, leaving him to follow after her. “Jyn - please. Don’t be pissed - “ 

“Can you just tell me why you say you’re going to be there but you’re not?” She asks and comes to a stop, looking back at him with a tired gaze. 

“I’m fucking terrified. That’s why. I have no idea what I’m doing in those classes and I’m not comfortable talking about your vagina in front of thirty people I’ve never met before - “ 

“And you think I am?” She snaps, wrapping her arms around herself. Scott eases closer and shrugs, looking down at her with a pleading gaze. “I’m not comfortable there either but I need to go because regardless of whether I’m comfortable or not, this is still happening to  _ me _ and I need to be prepared.” 

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes after a minute of drawn silence, his hand reaching for her shoulder and settling heavily on it. She debates shoving him off again but she doesn’t, instead only keeping her gaze locked on his. When she doesn’t push him away he slowly draws her in, letting him wrap her up in his embrace as she tries to let the anger wash out of her. “I’ll try to be better. I’m not going to be great at it, but I will try.”

“I need you to try harder or I’m going to end up losing my mind,” she mumbles against his chest. He laughs and squeezes her tighter before releasing her once more. She pulls back and tries to ignore the audience they’ve drawn with their argument, her cheeks heating as she looks over at the concerned faces. For a second she thinks she sees Cassian, the fur lining of his parka pulled up, but then he's gone and she's left staring out at a crowd of strangers with judgement hanging heavy on the air. “I’m going to go study now,” she says awkwardly, the moment strung tight between them.

“Wait - I got you something. For the kid. Let me grab it,” he adds and runs back to his car, whipping open the door before jogging back towards her. He shoves it into her hands and watches expectantly as she shakes it open, the onesie held up between them. 

“‘ _ Greatest Oops Ever’ _ ?” She reads, looking up at him with a lifted brow. 

“Yeah, pretty fitting right?” He answers and she shakes her head, tucking the clothing in her bag before pulling him in for another hug. 

“Thank you,” she whispers and tries not to pull instantly away when he plants a kiss to the crown of her head. “Now I’m actually leaving. Night Scott.” She steps out of his arms and pointedly heads into her building, leaving him standing in her wake. 

She holds it together all the way up to her room, promptly throwing her things to the ground and sinking to the floor with her back to the door, her head in her hands. The frustrated tears come to her then, dripping from her cheeks as she tries not to think about everything that had gone wrong since she’d gone through with telling him about this kid. 

* * *

_ I’ll head over after I leave  _ \- Jyn, 4:22pm 

_ Great. See you then _ \- Cassian, 4:25pm 

Knocking on Baze’s door, Jyn sucks in a breath and holds it until the man in question opens it wide for her, welcoming her in. She moves quickly, standing on the threshold for a second as she looks around the room anxiously. 

“They’re out back. You ready?” She nods and drops her new coat, following through the house and trying not to pick at her hands as she goes, her heart rate skipping in her chest. 

“Jyn, welcome,” Chirrut greets as they step out onto the covered porch, her words stuck in her throat. Beside Chirrut, a woman in white gets to her feet and looks at her across the space, her lips tight. “May we introduce Monica Mothma - she was a friend of your mother’s.” 

“Please call me Mon,” the woman requests calmly, her hands clasped together in front of her. She looks the picture of serene, Jyn’s own emotions beginning to settle as she looks up at her and the calming effect sinks into her bones. 

“Hi,” Jyn responds lamely, taking the seat that Baze points her into, his gruff frame settling down beside her. Mon joins them back in her seat, her gaze expectant, as though hoping Jyn would say more than the one word greeting.

“How was your walk?” Chirrut breaks in, realizing that no one was going to speak up to fill the void. 

“It was nice,” she responds, the feeling unnatural. They weren’t small talk people. This was killing her. 

“Good. Why don’t we get right to it then? Mon, tell her who you are,” Baze grumbles and Jyn looks towards him in surprise, confusion prickling her senses. Wasn’t this meeting to learn more about her mother? Had she stepped into a trap?

“Well, okay then. Jyn, I hope you don’t mind but I asked these two if they would be open to setting up this meeting when I heard that you were with child. I was your mother’s midwife when she had you. I’ve known you since birth but unfortunately have never gotten to know you well, what with what happened to your parents. I’d like to, if you were open to it, offer my services. I understand there’s quite a bit of upheaval in your life - “

“What did you tell her?” Jyn interjects, searing Baze and Chirrut with an annoyed glance. 

“Only the basics, love. But I can sense it in you. Your mother carried it too, when she had you.” 

“Carried what?” Her voice cracks, the memory of her mother’s smile shifting in her mind. It falters and adjusts, wavering. 

“The doubt. You are afraid of how you will care for this child and whether you’re ready. I want to help you, if you’ll let me.” Jyn looks around the circle of chairs, her fingers tightly clenched in her lap. This wasn’t what she’d come here for. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jyn states, meeting the woman’s gaze head on. She feels like she’s being searched, the probing look reaching down into her soul. 

“Jyn, she’s a friend,” Baze urges, leaning towards her and wrapping his large hand around hers. The touch only makes her curl in tighter, her lips forming a line. 

“I know she’s  _ your _ friend, but I barely know her. And you want me to what - give her a free pass because she knew my mom?” 

“No. We only ask that you hear her out and keep an open mind,” Chirrut replies, his whitened eyes pressing into her. 

“Fine. Fine - I’ll listen,” she huffs and crosses her arms over her chest, her bump making the movement feel weird and foreign. “Go on then. Tell me what I’m doing wrong and how to fix it.”

“That’s not - no, dear. I don’t mean to tell you what you’re doing wrong. Instead, I’m offering to help you through the process. Be a steady voice to accompany you when you need it and advocate for you when you cannot. If you will let me, I can assist you through the transitions of these final stages with normalizing activities, I can be a guide for you on this journey,” she offers softly, so calmly that Jyn wants to shout and muddy the quiet of the room. But she doesn’t. 

“So you’ll be like a consultant or something?” Jyn wonders aloud, looking towards the floor. 

“Kind of. I help women through this process every day and it would be my honour to accompany you through it as well,” Mon answers. 

“How much? For this,  _ guidance _ ,” Jyn questions, finally looking up at the woman. 

“Oh - no. I would not charge you. I want to help you because your mother would want me to.” 

“Sounds like a scam - “ 

“It’s not, though I understand the hesitation. I’m not here to force you to do anything you’re not prepared to do, Jyn, I only want to offer you an ally in this. I understand how hard it can be to walk this path alone and I want to help you, if you are okay with that.” 

“I’m not alone,” Jyn defends weakly, twisting her fingers as she keeps her gaze on the floor before her. 

“Not in the people around you, no, but I’m sure even you realize how alienating it can be to experience this all within your own body. Nobody around you is having the same experience, nor are they dealing with the same changes, so it can feel at times like you’re doing this alone. I want to help reduce that for you,” she adds and Jyn pauses, turning over the offer in her mind. 

It seemed odd, yes, to meet a perfect stranger and be offered something like this - something so private and intimate. But the words Mon used, the description of how she felt back in her dorm every night, alone and struggling to sleep - that resonated with her. Maybe she could actually help her get through this before she lost her mind navigating the pregnancy and two competing relationships at the same time. That, and maybe Jyn wanted the hope that came with this woman knowing her mother once before, the idea of it touching a place inside her that rarely saw any hints of light. 

“Alright,” Jyn answers, still not quite believing or understanding what this woman was offering. Instead, she accepts it because if her mother knew her, had her by her side during Jyn’s own birth, maybe that was a sign. Maybe it was a good thing and she just needed to give it a chance. 

“Wonderful. Why don’t you two head inside and give Jyn and I a moment to discuss?” Mon instructs and Chirrut and Baze get to their feet, Baze’s heavy hand pausing briefly to squeeze her shoulder before he heads inside. “Now, why don’t you give me the details and we’ll go from there?” 

Facing her fears head on, Jyn recounts her story to this woman in detail. She doesn’t hesitate, or pause, when describing the challenges she faced and the current struggle she has of getting Scott to be present enough to take part. When she’s done, she feels like a weight has been lifted, her back no longer hunched and her breathing evening out. 

They talk for hours after that, Mon asking questions and letting Jyn sort through the things in her head that she hasn’t had a chance to figure out in the mess of everything happening all at once. It’s late when she finally leaves, bidding her goodbyes with a schedule in hand for when Mon would attend her birthing classes with her and when they would meet next to start developing her plans going forward. 

By the time she makes it to Cassian’s apartment it’s nearly nine, the sky dark and her feet wearily carrying her down the sidewalks and towards his building. 

“Hey, you made it,” he greets from the couch as she lets herself in, setting her things down on the table and toeing off her boots. She beelines towards him and collapses down at his side, lifting his arm and curling into his chest to warm up. “Long day?” He asks, rubbing her arm as he sets his book down on the table. 

“The longest. I think I have a midwife now,” she mumbles against him, holding tight to his shirt and enjoying the feel of his heartbeat against her ear. 

“Really? Another improvement from Scott?” He replies and she tries not to mark the odd tone to his voice, the sound of it making her shift uneasily. 

“No. Chirrut and Baze. Apparently she was my mother’s midwife for me.” 

“Oh, I just thought with the new coat - nevermind,” he pauses and she can feel him adjust below her, his fingers pausing their run down her arm. “Is this… A good thing?” His hesitation makes her look up, her eyes meeting his. She wasn’t going to broach his subtle jab, determined to let it go and focus instead on the real topic at hand. She never talked about her mother and he never talked about his. It was an unspoken rule between them, his abuela the only one he dared mention and even that was a reluctant figure for them. They were two peas in a tragic pod, hovering over their pain like protective birds. And yet here she was, opening the door for a conversation that would give way to a new bridge between them if they let it. 

“I think so,” she answers softly, trying to put her words together in a sentence. “When Mom was pregnant with me she apparently was almost as surprised as I was. Papa wasn’t really ready for me either and so Mon came on and worked with her. They were friends from the start. I guess she’s eager to help because she misses my Mom too.” She fights to keep the emotion out of her voice, her knuckles white as she focuses on steadying her voice. The effort doesn’t matter though because Cassian can see right through her, his eyes softening as he reaches for her fingers and eases the tension there. 

“I’m glad you have her then,” he says, understanding in his gaze. When he doesn't continue, the offering outstretched, Jyn holds back her sigh and let's it settle in her chest.

“Me too,” she adds and rests her head on his shoulder, exhaling the breath she’d been holding. Cassian presses a kiss to her forehead and holds her to him, the silence spreading out between them. 

“I was thinking about Easter today,” he says after a while, his breathing even despite the tension in her frame. Shit. She thought she’d told him, hadn’t she? “Did you think about what you want to do? I was thinking something low key, just us. We haven't had much time together with everything going on lately and I miss it.” Looking up quickly, she tries to gather herself for the conversation she knew they needed to have. She hated this. Hated it. 

“I'm sorry. I thought I’d mentioned - Scott and I are going up to his parents place on Saturday for the night. We’re planning on telling them together. So I, um, won't be around unfortunately."

"Ah, okay," he pauses and if she wasn't so tense herself she would have picked up on the way his body shifts below her, his hands clenching before he forces himself to relax. "I'm glad I didn't plan anything crazy then." 

She hates how he sounds put out, the way he forces his tone to stay light despite the misery she feels at the truth. It felt like the hundredth time that she was bailing on him for Scott and eventually that would start to pile up between them, if it hadn't already, and the unstable ground they were walking on would start to crumble if she wasn't careful. And really, if she was being honest with herself, she didn't want to go to Scott's parents. She wanted to stay here, with Cassian, and spend the long weekend tucked up together on his couch or on some wayward adventure that reminded her of life before she got knocked up and changed everything. But she needed to be grown up about this and do what she needed to do, even if she didn't want to.

"I wish I didn't have to go," she murmurs, her fingers curling in his shirt.

"No, don't say that. This is good for you. It's going to be good," he assures though she can tell it's forced from somewhere deep within him. He was always the better one between them.

"Cassian - " she starts to apologize again, her words faltering.

"It's alright Jyn. Just leave it be for tonight, please." She chews her lip but stays silent at his request, determined not to push him. She wanted to tell him - to remind him that she was here, with him, and not Scott - but the words stick in her throat. She'd remind him, just not tonight. Things were hard enough with everything else going on and she needed to not poke the elephant in the room.

“I’m tired. Would you hate it if we went to bed now?” She asks after a few moments, her fingers tracing the pattern of his shirt. 

“I’m not quite ready to pack it in yet because I’ve still got a bit more reading to do. Why don’t you head to bed and I’ll join you later?” He offers. She sits up and looks at him, brows furrowed. 

“You know I didn’t mean actual sleep, right?” She counters, a brow lifting in question. Cassian gives a half-smile, shaking his head. 

“I know. But I’ve gotta get this stuff done or the rest of my week is shot. I won’t be long,” he adds and brushes his thumb over her brow, easing the wrinkles away with his touch. 

“Fine. But if I’m asleep, don’t wake me up. I won’t be as willing if I fall asleep first,” she jokes, only half serious. 

“Noted,” he chuckles as she gets to her feet. She’s nearly out of sight in the hallway when she stops and looks back at him, his gaze focused down on his phone. 

“You’re sure?” She presses, just in case. So what if she was horny? She had no shame hiding it anymore, not after everything they’d done together so far. What did she need to hide? It's just… he'd been so reserved tonight and that wasn't like him when it was just them and she couldn't shake the feeling of something being off. With that feeling and the multiple week's of missed connections between them, she couldn't deny the unease that hovered in the back of her mind as she looked back at him.

“I’m sure,” he answers and tosses his phone on the couch cushion, picking up his book in one quick move. Jyn sighs and turns on her heel, shoving the nerves down and grabbing her bag from the table before heading to the bathroom to shower. 

When she climbs into his bed later, the smell of him on his sheets comforting her, Jyn sighs and burrows in until she’s enveloped in warmth. She debates touching herself, just because she was  _ that _ on edge, but she decides to wait in the event he does come to bed sooner than she expects. 

He doesn’t. She falls asleep before he gets there and when she wakes up in the morning the bed is already cold at her side. 

So much for  _ that  _ idea, she can’t help but think as she gets ready for class and heads off with barely a kiss from him as he ducks into the shower. Had she done something to piss him off? Or worse, was he already pulling back because he realized that he didn’t want her anymore now that Scott was back in the picture? 

She tries not to think about it. 

Tries. But fails. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooof. I know. We're approaching Angst Central, hold on tight friends. Thank you all for your love so far, I promise to make it as painless as possible in the next few chapters!


	18. Chapter 18

"I'm sorry but can we stop again?" Jyn asks from the passenger seat, arms and legs and toes practically crossed trying to hold her bladder for a little while longer.

"You need to pee again?" Scott asks, his voice full of disbelief. Jyn scowls out the window and swallows back a snarl.

"It's not my fault the kid is pressing on my organs like it's in a bouncy castle," she snaps. Scott doesn't reply, instead flicking on his signal and pulling off to the side of the road. "You're not serious?" She growls, looking back at him with a wide stare. 

"As a heart attack. There's nothing else between here and the house and we've still got another half hour," he replies and if she could focus on doing anything but keeping her legs tight together she might have reached out and shoved him for it.

"Fine." She kicks open the door and fights to get to her feet, the sunken seats of his car harder to climb out of now that she was front-heavy and impossibly balanced. She hated this struggle, this body and it’s stupid proportions and how hard it was to do  _ anything _ now. She was tired of movement being the enemy rather than her usual escape.

Cursing under her breath, she stalks towards the treeline and refuses to look back, even when Scott yells at her through the window that she doesn’t need to pretend like he hasn’t already seen her naked. 

To say she regretted agreeing to come on this trip with him was an understatement. They hadn’t even gotten to his parents’ place and already Jyn was exhausted, her attitude in the gutter as soon as Scott pulled up to her building already nearly forty minutes late. That, and it didn’t help that Cassian had been busy almost all week with prepping for exams and she hadn’t seen him since the night she went over after meeting Mon for the first time. She couldn't deny that every day that went by after that night felt like a chasm opening up between them, an ominous withdrawal that made doubt start to trickle into her veins. 

She was miserable, pregnant, and trying not to ask to just be left on the curb to find her own way home before walking into the inevitable snake-pit that was Scott’s family. 

“You still alive?” Scott’s voice calls out and Jyn half-debates just sitting down on the ground and pretending to be dead to be left alone for five goddamn minutes. 

“Fuck off,” she shouts back, finally finding a tree which looked satisfactory. Pushing down her pants, Jyn squats and leans her back against the bark, praying her thighs still have the strength to keep her propped up as she manages to relieve herself. 

Back at the car, Scott’s pacing frame moves across the front of the hood as Jyn hikes back to the road. They don’t speak as she climbs in, clipping her seatbelt before pouring sanitizer into her palm. She keeps her gaze trained out the window as he pulls away and continues on down the highway. 

The house they pull up to is everything Jyn expects it to be, towering and full of windows and a wrap-around porch fenced in from the bugs in the summer. She hates it but is honest enough to admit that part of that hatred is probably deeply rooted in her jealousy that she would never live somewhere like this house. 

“Welcome to Hell,” Scott mutters as he puts the car in park and turns off the engine. Jyn shifts uneasily beside him, her hands twisting in her lap. 

“Is it really that bad?” She counters, worry bubbling up in her chest. Was it too late to run? 

“Probably not because you’re new and they wouldn’t dare do anything to make a guest uncomfortable, but that’s usually only a 24-hour grace period.” Nodding, she takes another second to sit looking up at the huge structure before sighing and getting out of the car. 

_ We’re here. Pray for me _ \- Jyn, 12:32pm 

She messages Cassian as Scott grabs their bags out of the trunk, his arm thrusting hers towards her as she takes it and pushes it over her shoulder. With an exhaled breath, Jyn follows him up the long pathway, winding its way towards the front door. Scott knocks quickly and then stands back, glancing towards her with an attempt at a smile. 

“Scotty!” Teresa greets brightly, squealing a bit as she steps out onto the porch and pulls him into her arms. “I’m so glad you guys could make it! You must be - Oh!” 

“Surprise,” Scott mumbles as Teresa takes in the sight of her bump, the woman’s eyes widening. 

“Hi Teresa. I’m Jyn,” she manages to say, forcing her hand out to shake the woman’s and break the spell of surprise. Teresa takes it limply, her eyes focused still on her belly as though it was a bomb about to go off. “Still about two months out, don’t panic,” Jyn jokes and Teresa looks up at her then, her mouth moving but no words coming out. 

“Why don’t we head inside?” Scott says and steps into the house, waiting as the two women follow in after him. They leave their shoes at the door and Teresa finally seems to round out of her shock, her smile back in full force as she looks between them.

“You two must be famished from the drive. Why don’t you go into the kitchen and I’ll collect your father from the office. Maria has been pulling together a platter for us to take in the sunroom - if you’ll just - “ 

“Come on Jyn. Leave your bag. They’ll put it upstairs for you,” Scott says and drops his stuff at the door, heading towards the back of the house and past a spiraling staircase. Jyn feels the money almost threaten to suffocate her, her heart racing as she takes another step into the huge space. 

They’re led out to a sunroom larger than three of her dorm rooms combined, a sprawling table with ornate-backed chairs surrounded by windows. 

“I knew your family had money but - “ 

“I probably won’t get any of it,” Scott interjects, pulling out a chair and dropping into it. Jyn perches on another seat beside him, ignoring his assumption that she was only after his money, as her hands clenched tightly together while she tries not to pass out. “Relax, they’re not going to come after you.” 

“How do you know that?” Jyn snaps lowly, her shoulders tense. She wished Cassian was here. 

Actually, no, she wished she was back home, with Cassian. Not here. Neither of them should have to be here. She could have been on her last big adventure. Instead she was… here.

“‘Cause they didn’t even want me. They’re definitely not coming after your kid,” he answers and Jyn looks up at him, a frown pulling her lips tight. He shrugs and picks at a spot on the exposed wood, the shellac coming up under his attention. 

There’s a silence that draws out as Maria, their housekeeper, brings out a charcuterie platter of food that spawns everything fancy and gourmet. Jyn keeps her stomach from turning over and grabs a few crackers to nibble on as she glances at her phone. There’s no message from Cassian but she taps out another comment, just because she needed his commentary to get her through this. 

_ It’s too fru-fru here. I’m definitely getting sent to a convent  _ \- Jyn, 12:42pm

The bubbles appear and then disappear, once, twice, before Scott’s parents finally join them in the room and she's forced to put her phone away. 

“Son,” his father greets and Scott gets to his feet, returning his obligatory hug. The man turns to Jyn next, his hand extended towards her as she awkwardly gets to her feet. Thankfully, it seems that Teresa has done the hard part for them, that, or Scott’s father had an excellent poker face. “Ms Erso, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Likewise, Mr Melshi” Jyn answers smoothly, unwilling to back down as the man squeezes her hand a bit harder than necessary. 

“Please, call me Russell,” he insists and Jyn nods, returning to her seat as Russell and Teresa settle in across from them. 

The first twenty minutes are spent on basic pleasantries, where she was from, what her parents do. She tries not to make it sound as desolate as it is, her heart hammering in her chest more with every minute. When she gets to what she plans to do after school, she looks towards Scott and rests her hand over her belly, holding it there under the edge of the table as she tries to figure out how to word it. 

“Well - I’m hoping to take a few weeks to recover and in the meantime find a remote position,” she answers, hoping it’s enough. 

“Interesting. Remote work is difficult to come by. So, can we assume childcare is available to you already?” Russell asks, popping a cherry tomato into his mouth. Jyn shifts and tries not to rise to the bait. 

“I’m resourceful. I’m hoping to find work so that I can ensure the kid and I have a roof over our heads and food in our belly. I’ll figure out the next part after.” 

“I see. Scott, are you not providing financial support? I had assumed based on your credit history… Speaking of support, what has been the arrangement you’ve negotiated? Have you spoken with Richard? I feel like perhaps we should discuss the details of the contract before your brother arrives, seeing as we had hoped it would be a simple family gathering and this is bound to derail it,” Russell urges, looking towards his son with a scolding look. 

Ah, so here drops the hammer.

“We haven’t settled on anything just yet. I'll make an appointment with Richard when we're ready to draw up the paperwork,” Scott answers evenly, looking towards her, his eyes pleading for support. 

“I plan to keep custody and Scott will support where he’s able. We’ve been trying to figure out how exactly we will continue to raise this child - “ 

“Well, obviously marriage is on the table, is it not?” Teresa breaks in, her head cocked to the side. “I’m assuming early May?” 

“No - “ 

“Yes - “ 

“What?” Jyn snaps her head towards Scott, her eyes wide and her heart rate starting to race once more. That had never been something they'd talked about, not once.

“I thought down the road - “ 

“No. That wasn’t in the plan,” Jyn states calmly, forcing herself not to panic and run. Not that she’d get far, but still. Anything to get away from this. She wasn’t marrying Scott. She wasn’t marrying  _ anyone _ . She wasn’t that person. Never would be. Right? She needed to keep it together for the kid and that was what she needed to focus on.

“I assumed - “ Scott attempts and Jyn shakes her head, looking back across the table at Scott’s parents. 

“He assumed wrong. We’re not together and we’re not getting married. I’m sorry to disappoint you,” Jyn says quickly and gets to her feet, her sweaty palms rubbing against her pants. “Excuse me, I need to use the washroom.” 

“Oh - yes, down the hallway, third door on the left dear,” Teresa instructs and Jyn bolts, walking away from the table and escaping down the hallway and into the small bathroom off of the side of the kitchen. Heaving her breath, Jyn holds tightly to the edge of the sink as she tries to sort out her thoughts. 

Scott wanted to marry her? Why?  _ Why _ did he think that was a good idea? They were barely compatible now, why on earth would he think it was a good idea to get married and inevitably tie them together legally? The idea was preposterous. It was insulting. And she didn’t know how to go back out to that table and pretend like it wasn’t a giant fissure opening up between them. 

It takes a few minutes but Jyn let’s the initial reaction to the realization burn through her, sitting down on the toilet seat as she pulls her phone from her pocket. Her messages are still unanswered and it makes her sour, her hand shoving the device away as she gets back to her feet. There’s a quick knock at the door and Jyn rubs her face, opening it to reveal Scott on the other side looking sheepish. 

“Sorry for just dropping that on you. I thought - nevermind. Charlie and his wife are here. You ready to come back?” He looks repentant and Jyn sighs, nodding and following him back into the sunroom. 

Scott's brother, Charlie, gets to his feet as she enters, his eyes going wide as his wife finishes telling a joke to Teresa. The women laugh and when they turn to face her, Charlie's wife can't stop the words that spill from her.

"Oh you've got to be fucking kidding me," she snaps and Charlie gives her a sparing look that makes her recoil. 

"Nice, Matilda," Scott grumbles and steps past them back towards his chair. 

"Hi, I'm Jyn," she forces out, reaching out her hand in greeting. They take it reluctantly before drawing back, their eyes not even trying to hide the way they stare at her state.

"Would you stop gawking and sit down? She's pregnant. It's mine. Get over it."

"You didn't tell us," Charlie bites out, looking around at his family.

"We didn't know either," Teresa answers quickly, as though it'll placate the group.

"Surprise," Scott repeats, throwing his hands up as Jyn makes her way back to her seat.

They all settle in at the table again and the awkward silence spans out, uncomfortable and grating against her. She tries to keep a smile plastered on her face but it falters, slipping back into a scowl as odd looks are shared all around.

"Right, well, nothing we can do about the situation now," Teresa says after a moment to a biting laugh, one forced out of her to break the tension. 

The rest of the afternoon goes as well as Jyn can expect, the conversation painful and at times halting, the family clearly not sure what to do with her. Thankfully, on more than one occasion, Scott stands up for her against their jabs and makes a point of pushing their questioning back and away from the sensitive spots he knew she had issues with. When dinner comes around they're led into an even finer dining area. Jyn rolls her eyes as the wine appears and Teresa sinks half a bottle in before the entree is even served. What she doesn’t expect is Scott to follow quickly after, his eyes bleary and his voice slurring more with every glass.

Jyn keeps her head low and her comments short, listening in to try to understand the politics around the table and how she was expected to behave among this family who was clearly disjointed and out of step with each other. Neither Scott, nor Charlie, seemed to revere their father or stepmother and Jyn could figure why - the new money couple harsh in their judgement of everyone, it seems, as they share cutting remarks of friends and enemies alike. She wouldn’t put it past them to throw her out of the house if she so much as said the wrong things, she was fairly certain. And so she just doesn’t, choosing instead to sit idly by as dinner starts to wrap up and the night thankfully grows darker. 

Desperate to escape to her room, Jyn asks if she can cut short the evening drinks and blames it on the pregnancy and her exhaustion. Nobody questions her and she ducks out of the sitting room, following Scott up the stairs and down a long hallway. 

“Sorry,” he says as he pushes open the door, waving his hand in the room as Jyn steps by. 

“For what?” She counters, heading towards her bag and pulling loose her charger and toiletries bag. Her phone had died an hour ago and she had no excuse but to pay attention after that point which had been the catalyst for her wanting to turn in. 

“For them. For me. For this whole fucking situation,” he rambles. Jyn glances towards him, watching as he slowly closes the door and leans back against it. “We’re a disaster of a family and now you’re stuck with us.” 

“I’m technically only stuck with you,” she answers evenly, leaning back against the bedpost with her things clutched to her chest. Scott looks up at her with defeat in his eyes, his jaw clenched. “I never had a family like yours. I was too young to realize what was going on around me when I went into the system and so I’ve learned that you don’t really need bloodkin to be your family. So when you say that I’m stuck with them, well, I’m not sure that’s true. I’m stuck with you because this kid, but them? Honestly, I think they’re optional. I - we - can do this without them. It would be hard but so is most everything.” 

“Jyn - “ 

“No, not tonight Scott. I’m tired and I just want to lay down. We can talk on the ride home tomorrow,” she says and he shakes his head, rubbing his face with his hands. 

“Jyn, just, let me say this,” he grumbles and she stops halfway to the bathroom, turning back to face him. “I know you keep saying we don’t need them, we can do it on our own, but how? How do we do this if they cut me off? I can’t buy you new clothes, or the crib, or help with your child support if they cut me out.” 

“Then you get a job, like an adult. Like  _ I’m _ planning on doing. If they cut you off, Scott, then you just keep moving forward. You take one chance and then the next until your chances are spent. That’s how you survive in this world when you have no one on your side rooting for you.” 

She wants to shout it, to hold it up like a display until he really sees what life is like for those who aren’t handed a future, but she keeps her voice low because she’s tired of sparring with the Melshi family and she really, really just wants to call Cassian and listen to him talk while she falls asleep. 

“You make it sound easy but you know it’s not. You’re proof that it’s not! Why are you not willing to just put up with them like I am?” 

“Because I’ve never had it easy so I don’t know what it’s like. And honestly? Because I don’t  _ need _ it to be easy. I would rather fight for something better because I know it can be. I’m not going to tuck my tail and put up with people who don’t want me and who would only fuck up my kid. I didn’t get to where I am because I just  _ put up _ with people I didn’t need and maybe if you did that every once and a while you would understand why I can’t,” she growls as Scott groans, his hands on his hips. 

“Fine.  _ Fine _ . I’m too drunk to argue with you,” he mumbles and stands up, reaching to open the door. 

“Night Scott,” she says dismissively, stepping past him and closing the bathroom door behind her. 

She takes longer than necessary getting in the shower and washing the day from her frame, her hands pressed to the cool tile as she lets the water run over her. 

It hadn't been horrible, really, sitting around the table and listening to their subtle barbs, to the disdain for others they let slip between them. She'd been in the same position hundreds of times growing up - nobody ever actually wanted the foster kid at the table - and so she'd learned to tune it out. But the weight that had settled on her shoulders wasn't about her. She didn't want her kid to grow up in a place like this, with people who judged them just for existing. She wanted them to feel loved. To feel like they belonged, even if just at their own dinner table.

Which meant she wouldn't bring her kid back here, not for a long time. If the family wanted to meet them, they would have to come on her terms and they would have to come willing to put that judgement aside. 

"I've got you, little bit," Jyn whispers to herself, hand splaying over her bump protectively. The water spills down over her skin and she steadies, steeling herself under the spray and preparing to face what comes next head on.

Drying herself and stepping out of the bathroom wrapped in her towel, Jyn nearly shrieks as she returns to her room and finds Russell standing over her bag, his hand wrapped around one of her shirts.

"Can I help you?" She hisses, unwilling to show him any kindness. He was here, in her room, going through her things. There was so much wrong with the scene and she was holding tight to her anger like a dog on a leash.

"Perhaps I can help you. I understand from Scott that your circumstances are difficult and I would like to offer - "

"I'm not interested," Jyn interrupts, voice harsh. She holds the towel tighter around herself, vulnerable, but unwilling to back down.

"I would appreciate you hearing me out," he pauses, looking up at her with a patient neutrality. She stays silent. "Good. I'm prepared to offer you a settlement in return for you not seeking child support. It would be a large lump sum, delivered directly to your account. Our lawyer, Richard, would draw up the paperwork and you would sign upon your return home."

She tries not to scream. Tries to keep herself from tearing him limb from limb. She'd known this was probably coming but _ still _ , it enraged her nonetheless.

"What do I need to do in return?" She spits out. She didn’t want this - she didn’t want her kid to not know its father - but if Scott didn’t want to be part of its life she wouldn’t force him. 

"As I said, all I ask is that you do not seek child support after this amount is paid. I'd like my son to live a life without these complications, free to marry without needing to explain this entanglement to future partners, you see."

"So you want him to relinquish any participation in his kid's life?" 

"Exactly." He finally looks up at her, his hand releasing her things back into her bag.

"Have you talked to him about this?" 

"Not yet, but I don't expect the conversation to be difficult. He knows what's best and getting himself mixed up with you is likely something he's interested in avoiding," he states and she wants to leap across the room and strangle him, her whole body tightening with anger. 

"If he says he wants it, I'll do it. But only if he chooses to never go back on it. I won’t have this kid thinking its father was pushed away because of me. He’s going to have to put it down on paper that he chose to abandon it,” she hisses, eyes wild. She hated this conversation. Hated this very thought. How could someone do this to their child? How could a grandparent sell them like this? How could  _ she _ entertain the idea? As though it wouldn’t kill her to have to explain it to her kid in ten years when it finally figured out its father was still alive? 

“Very well. I’ll prepare a proposal for you this evening and have it for you before you leave. Sleep well, Ms Erso,” he bids and Jyn fights her instinct to pick-up the closest object near her and whip it at his skull. 

Seething, tears hot in the corner of her eyes, Jyn stalks to her bag and pulls her sleep things out from where he’d been rummaging his hands through her stuff, the sleep shirt and shorts pressed against her chest as she escapes back to the bathroom. She changes quickly and then returns to the room, grabbing a blanket and pillow, before heading back into the bathroom and locking the door behind her. Making a bed for herself in the corner, Jyn eases onto the floor and fights against the tears that want to fall, her chest near aching with it. 

She’d known this was a possibility of her coming here. It had practically been written on the invitation - go to Scott’s parents, get offered money to fuck off forever - but still she’d  _ hoped _ . Maybe they wouldn’t be the rich assholes she’d derived from her conversations with Scott. Maybe they would see this as a secret blessing, misunderstood after all these years with their kids away at school. But she’d been wrong to think so. So wrong. 

“Hey, can I call you back later?” Cassian’s voice echoes across the line, the sound of music throbbing in the background making her hurt press into her throat. 

“Yeah,” she manages not to sob, her words painful in her chest as she tries not to cry on the line. Of course he was out. Of course he had better things to do than be at her beck and call. He wasn’t hers. He wasn’t this kid’s father. He wouldn’t be there in the end anyways and she needed to grow the fuck up and learn to do this without him holding her hand every step of the way. He’d been pulling back and she’d been pushing him away so of course now she just needed to fucking deal with it. “Have a good night.” 

“Jyn - wait - “ 

She hangs up before he can finish and turns off her phone, curling up against the wall and trying to keep silent as she cries herself to sleep. 

* * *

The next morning, Jyn wakes to find an envelope slipped under her bedroom door like an invoice at a fancy hotel. Russell’s pretentious letterhead greets her as she opens the paper inside, the writing neat and to the point as she looks it over. 

Scott has agreed. Sign now and she’s the new owner of ten grand. 

She fucking hates this family. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not gonna say anything more than I'm sorry.


	19. Chapter 19

The car ride home was deathly silent, Jyn unwilling to engage in even the simplest of conversation after the misery that was Easter supper at the Melshi house. She’d walked out of the house that morning determined to put as much distance as she could between her and this family as soon as she possibly could. Unfortunately, that had also meant that she needed to sit next to Irritant Number One for a few hours to get back home. 

“You know, your silence would be more painful if I knew what it was about,” Scott says as they round into town once more, the cold early spring rain beating against the windshield and forming a thick haze on the road ahead of them. 

She doesn’t bother to answer, keeping her gaze trained on the outside world as she debates leaping from the car and taking her chances with a broken limb or two. It seemed excessive, sure, but it also seemed perfectly fucking reasonable given how restrained she felt by not leaping over the console and strangling him with her bare hands. 

“Jyn, come on. I couldn’t have said anything that bad last night - “ 

“Sure,” she interjects sharply, glaring at him as he glances over towards her. His knuckles go white against the steering wheel as he swallows, his throat moving with unspoken words.

“Well?” He says after a moment, when she doesn’t continue. Jyn growls and covers her face, huffing out an angry breath. 

“Your father offered to pay me off. I said I’d only take the money if you agreed to give up all of your rights to this kid and this morning I got a fucking note saying you had. I thought you wanted to be part of this? But no - you were just too fucking weak to tell me yourself!” 

“That’s not - Jyn!” He shouts and she can see her building in the distance, the safety of her dorm with it’s no visitor’s policy making her heart race. She just needed to get back home and then she’d be free of this. Free of him. “He never - I didn’t say anything like that!” 

“I don’t believe you,” she hisses in return, gathering her things and clutching her bag in her lap. As soon as she was close enough to jump out of the car, she was going to do it. Run and never look back. 

“I said I’m with you - what more do you want from me?” 

“I want this kid to be worth more than ten grand to you!” Scott slams the brakes on the car just short of the building’s entrance, his hand angrily throwing the vehicle into park as he turns to look at her with wide eyes. 

“He only offered you ten?” He urges, gaze searching. So he  _ had _ known. The fucking mother-fucker - 

“You knew? That he was going to offer me money to go away?” 

“Of course I knew. I wanted you to get the money and then we do whatever the fuck we want. I don’t care what the papers say - I’m going to be around for my kid.” Jyn sits shocked for a second, the words confusing and stalling in her head. 

He’d planned this? He’d put his father up to the offer, had choreographed it so that she could get a payout? Why hadn’t he told her? Why hadn’t he said a damn word to lessen the blow? 

“Why didn’t you tell me this was part of the plan?” She hisses and Scott sighs, sitting back and watching her shift before him. 

“Because he needed to know your anger was legit. If he knew it was a play then he wouldn’t pay it out. You needed to play it exactly as you did - “ 

“I can’t believe you. This is low, even for you,” she grumbles and reaches for the door. Scott’s arm shoots past her and grabs the door, slamming it back closed and blocking her escape. 

“Tell him you want more. Triple it. Whatever. Just sign the papers and get the money, Jyn. He can’t stop me from going against the contract so get the payout and start fresh - “ 

“And when you change your mind and you meet someone and want nothing to do with this kid? What then? What recourse do I have if you just decide you’re done with us? Ten grand is barely a year of support. If you leave - ” 

“I won’t.” She shakes her head and looks at the ceiling, her cheeks flushed and the fury slowly turning to exhaustion. 

“I don’t want your family’s money, I never have,” she says softly, looking up at him with a defeated look. She was tired. So tired of this fight, of all the fights. She just wanted to get a break and run. “But I don’t think I can do it alone. I need help.” 

“You told me before that you weren’t alone - what changed?” He counters and Jyn clenches her hands, looking out the window. 

“I’m not sure how onboard people are now. Everything changes when the dust starts to settle, you know?” 

“Is it that Cassian guy? Is he bailing?” 

“No - I mean, not that I know of. But it’s different now. He was so in before but something has changed and I’m not sure I can really fix it. So when I look at this situation and I think about you disappearing too, that’s back to square one for me. If I don’t have anyone here then I should have left back at the end of fall term - “ 

“But we are still here. And I’ll still help, even if you don’t take the money. But don’t let your stubbornness get in the way of making this easier for yourself - take the money for the kid. Put it away in a school fund or whatever. Just - don’t turn it down because my father is a dick. Take it and thrive,” he urges and leans towards her, his hand lifting to brush a wayward tear from her cheek. “Let’s sign the paperwork and then we’ll sign our own. I’m not going anywhere. You need to trust me on that.” 

“I need to think about it,” she replies. Scott nods and lets the air around them settle, the tension slowly easing as his touch drifts to her neck before landing on her shoulder. She debates shaking him off but knows it would do more harm than good, her resistance giving in as he pulls her towards him in an awkward hug. When his lips find her cheek, the feeling is wrong and she tries not to show it as she shifts away.

“I’m sorry this weekend was shit,” he whispers into her ear, drawing back slightly to look her in the eyes. 

“It’s fine. I didn’t have high expectations,” she answers with a shrug as she wipes her face clear of the tears. “I should go. I’ve got studying to do and I need to get a few things in order before Monday.” 

“Alright. I’ll see you Wednesday for class?” She nods and pulls her jacket up around her shoulders, launching herself out into the rain and walking briskly towards the entrance to her dorm. 

She’s half-through the door when a figure approaches from behind her, her instincts twitching as she glances up and around her hood. The man stands in the rain, parka pulled tight around his face as Jyn struggles to see him. 

“Cassian?” Jyn says over the sound of the rain and the car pulling away from the curb. He’s drenched, hair plastered to his forehead and jacket sopping wet as he looks down at her with a confused expression that he tries to tuck behind a mask of indifference. “How long have you been here?”

“I was worried,” he says softly, just barely audible over the storm. “When you weren’t returning my calls after you hung up on me last night. But I’m starting to think I didn’t need to be.” 

“What?” She twists to face him more fully, pressing herself back against the building as she tries to avoid getting soaked. It doesn’t work but something in his expression makes her pause, her body tensing. 

“I need you to tell me the truth. Was this all a ruse?” He asks and looks away, the rain rushing down his lapels and over the drawn lines of his face. 

“I don’t understand - was what a - “ 

“Us. Together. Did he - are you two - "

"What? No!" She interjects automatically, her heart beginning to race. Was he really asking her what she thought he was asking her? Was he really doubting her? Now? 

"Please don't lie to me, not today. I saw you in the car and last time - Were we just a fancy notion to keep you busy until he finally came around? Was I just a safety net to you? Because you keep telling me he’s only coming around so that he can get involved with the kid but that scene just now didn't look like two people who are only spending time together because they’ve got parenting duties they’re figuring out how to share.” His voice sounds broken and it stabs at her until she feels the holes of each word like an open wound. Was he talking about just now in the car? The awkward embrace, the half-kiss? Was that what this was about? Had he been watching as Scott leaned in, his thoughts jumping to the worst conclusion?

“No - Cassian, no. Come inside - we can talk - “ 

“No. I’m not going to be responsible for getting you kicked out,” he snaps and Jyn feels it lash against her, the cold chill from the damp air and the beating water making her shiver. That, or the way his expression has shuttered before her, she wasn't sure.

“It’s fine. It’s the last month. They won’t kick me out during exams,” she assures him and returns to opening the door with her keys, her hands shaking as she tries to get the key in the lock. Holding the door open, Jyn waits expectantly as Cassian stalks past her and into the building towards the staircase. 

Safely hidden behind her bedroom door, Jyn shucks her wet coat and discards her overnight bag in the corner, turning to take in Cassian’s disheveled look and darkened eyes. He looks rough, rougher than she felt, and the recognition of it makes her pause. What had happened to have him shut down so thoroughly? What had she done to be on the other side of his wall of indifference? She hadn't seen him like this in years, his mask so forcefully in place that even she couldn't seem to budge it.

“Well?” Cassian asks after a few moments of tense silence, his hands shoved in his pockets. He hovers at the door to her room, his jacket still on but his hood thankfully down and exposing the wet mess of hair from his time waiting for her in the rain. From the way he looks, he'd been out there some time, waiting for her to get back. The realization only solidifies her suspicion - he must have seen Scott's half-hearted kiss on the cheek. Was that what he was caught up on? Didn't he know she didn't want Scott? The possibility of that makes her recoil inwardly, her defences rearing back up. Didn't he trust her?

“Well what? You’re the one here making accusations,” she counters argumentatively because the whole situation is making her uneasy. Cassian’s lips turn up in a bitter smile, his tongue darting out to wet his lips as he looks away from her. 

“Rich. Fucking rich,” he growls and Jyn takes the spark in his words and lets it fuel her rage back into a blaze, the anger from the car ride home, from the miserable night away, spilling back into her veins unchecked. If he wanted to be blithe, if he wanted to jab at her with nothing but assumptions, she wasn't going to just stand by and let him.

“What do you  _ want _ Cassian?” She bites back, hands resting on her hips as she readies for battle. She was just so _ tired _ of it all.

“You don’t know?” He half laughs, half gasps, brows lifting in surprise.

“No, I don’t. Are you here to chastise me? To tell me off for doing something foolish like getting pregnant? Is this your big  _ ‘I told you so’ _ moment because you’ve just been lying in wait all these months, hoping I’d fuck up so you could have an excuse to fuck off once and for all without regrets?” She pauses, taking a breath and thinking through every interaction they’d had since Scott had come back into her life. How each time the subject had come up, Cassian had cooled almost to the point of disengagement. The realization makes her anxious, the puzzle pieces finally falling into place as the hurt blooms in her chest and her mind moves defensively. She wouldn't take on his judgement, not for this. Not because he was pissed off about something he didn't understand. “Or are you just backing out now because you finally got what you wanted from me, a fuck and an easy excuse? Because if that’s what this is, if you’re here to tell me you’re out, you needn’t have bothered! I got the message loud and fucking clear!” 

“That's not -  _ dios mío _ , Jyn. Did you really get that message from me? When? Can you pinpoint exactly when it was that I told you I wanted out of this friendship? Out of this relationship? Because that's what this is - whether you label it or not - we're in a relationship and it's starting to seem like maybe I'm the only one who thinks they're in it. It's almost funny, but I don't remember saying anything like wanting to call it quits but apparently your mind is already there and I'd like to understand why,” he hisses and looks towards her with a harsh stare, his eyes sharp. 

“It wasn't what you said, Cassian. It was when you didn't come to bed! When you wouldn’t answer my texts, or take my call, or were too busy to give me the time of day. When you were fucking out looking for your next warm body on Saturday - “ 

“You’re fucking kidding - that’s not it at all. I wasn't - You told me to back off! To give you guys space and now you're saying - You think I’m the one who pulled back? You’re really accusing me of that after everything we've been through?” 

“Well if the shoe fits!” She shouts angrily and the room goes deathly silent, the only sound that of their harsh breaths. Part of her feels like she’s overcompensated, like she’s blown her small hints of dissatisfaction into mountains, but the other part of her, the angry, broken part, wants to keep raging until he backs off for good. Until she’s alone again, protected by her isolation because that's the only place she's ever felt truly safe. There was almost a comfort in that loneliness and maybe that’s what she deserved for all of this mess she’d made, for getting involved with him when she knew she shouldn't. “What does it even matter? You were always going to leave anyways. Everyone always does. Might as well do it now while you still can.” 

“Right. Because I’m the asshole who leaves and doesn’t intend to tell anyone I care about. That’s my track record for sure - “ 

“Don’t you  _ dare _ ,” she seethes and steps forward, finger poking into his chest as his body lifts up to its full height when she moves into his space. The knock sounding at the door startles them both into submission and Jyn withdraws, cheeks heating. 

“Jyn, please ask your guest to depart immediately,” Carla’s sickly sweet voice filters through the door, Jyn’s heart sinking as Cassian’ whips around and tears open the door. 

“I was just leaving,” he snaps and pushes past the woman, knocking into her shoulder as he escapes down the hallway and towards the staircase. Jyn stands frozen in her room, the rain from earlier marking ice down her back as Carla lifts a judgemental brow.

“Custody issues?” Carla trills and Jyn wants to throw up, her palm stinging as she slaps the door closed so hard that it rattles in the frame. 

Jyn refuses to collapse into a puddle on the floor, her muscles tight as she starts pulling boxes from her cupboard and tossing her few things into them. She packs mindlessly for two hours, her damp clothes clinging to her skin as she forces herself not to crumble. It hurts to stay upright, to keep tucking away small pieces of her life here into boxes that note the ending of her time in school, but she does it because the alternative - mentally sifting and reliving through what just happened between her and Cassian - makes her want to hide away forever. 

It’s only when she gets to the small onesie he’d bought, tucked in the bottom of her drawers, that Jyn finally lets the reality of her situation filter through to her. 

He hadn't told her he was out, not once, but she'd made all the assumptions for him. She'd taken his silence and his withdrawal as rejection without question because that's all she'd ever known and all she'd expected from the people around her. People left - they died or they abandoned - they didn't stick around when things were tough. 

But Cassian… Cassian hadn't done that and she'd assumed he had instead of hearing him out. She hadn’t denied that she was with Scott and maybe that was her biggest misstep, the one straw that would break the camel’s back in the end. He deserved so much more from her and instead of giving him the space to question her, to ask him why he thought she didn’t want him, she’d lashed out. She'd snapped at him because it was the one thing she knew worked to push people away before they could hurt you.

And now she was alone again, this kid in her belly and a crass onesie in her hand that reminded her of the one person who had ever truly understood her. Collapsing onto the edge of her mattress, Jyn clutches the fabric to her chest and forces herself not to cry, her whole body tense with the effort.

Cassian was gone and she was alone with this kid once again, her pain burning up inside her. Scott’s offer to take the money and run returns to the forefront of her mind and she tries not to seize on it, determined to see this through once and for all. 

* * *

“Is that the rest of it?” Han asks from the doorway, a drop of sweat on his brow as he rests his hands on his hips. Jyn looks up from where she sits on the edge of her mattress, hands tucked in her lap as she looks out her dorm room window for the last time. 

“Yeah, that box and I’ll bring my backpack,” she answers stiffly, getting to her feet. Han nods but stays standing still for a drawn out moment, his brow tight. “What?” 

“You really jumped off the deep end on this one, didn’t you kid?” She gives him a half-hearted smile, her arms wrapping around herself as she looks around at the barren room. 

“Never said I was the smartest in the bunch,” she quips and Han laughs, nodding and stepping by her to grab the final box. 

“I won’t argue with that. Come on, let’s get out of here,” he urges and moves back towards the hallway. Jyn takes one final glance and then shuts the door, her key shoved in the lock as she follows Han to the stairs. 

Her eviction notice had come the day after her fight with Cassian. She’d known it was coming but still it had been like a slap in the face that only she could be held to blame for. It hadn’t been Cassian, or even Scott, that had put her in this position - it had been one hundred percent her and she was trying to face the fallout with as much grace as she could muster. 

Thankfully, the apartment she’d visited earlier that had seemed suitable enough was still open and she’d only had to beg the landlord for twenty minutes before he agreed to rent it to her immediately, the concession being that she paid the whole month up front even though the month was already midway through. She hadn’t been in a place to argue and she'd transferred the money later that day. 

Her next call had been to Bodhi and Leia, begging them to take time out of their busy exam schedule to come and help her move. The call had spawned afterwards to Han and Kes too, Shara busy at the clinic and unable to help but promising to stop by with food after her shift. Somehow, despite everything happening with Cassian, even Kay had been dragged into helping. He kept saying it was because his vehicle was the biggest but Jyn was sure that a part of it was because he didn’t hate her as much as she liked to think. 

Now they were finally leaving her dorm behind, all of her things packed into Kay’s SUV as they drove the few blocks across town to her new place. 

“This is it?” Leia says as they pull up, her glance back towards Jyn making Jyn squirm in her seat. The building wasn’t much but it was the best she’d been able to afford on her budget and that was all she could offer right now. 

“It’s all I can budget for long term,” Jyn answers evenly, determined to not give in to the judgement she sees in the woman’s eyes. “Besides, it’s not that bad. I’ve lived in worse.” 

“With a kid though?” Leia adds and Jyn shrugs, climbing out of the car. 

“I was just a kid once too. I’ll be fine,” she urges and Leia gives in to the argument, beginning to bark orders to the group as the others pull up and start unloading her things onto the curb. 

Jyn ducks into the building and grabs her keys from the super, waving Han and Kes forward to show them up to the apartment. As the main haulers, she’s glad to see the relief flicker on their faces as they realize she’s only on the second floor and they don’t need to make the climb up to the roof with her stuff. 

“Just put it all in the living room for now. I’ll put it away after you guys leave,” she instructs and heads back downstairs to stand guard over her things as Bodhi and Luke squabble over how to navigate an old table through the building’s entryway. 

“I did not tell him of your relocation today,” Kay says over her shoulder, coming to stand next to her with his arms crossed over his chest. “Will you inform him of your new address?” 

“Maybe,” she answers with a shrug, knowing full and well without being told who he was referring to. Kay glances towards her, his gaze evaluating, before he looks back at her pile of things. 

“I am not one to meddle in other’s affairs but you should know that he spent Easter alone working on his thesis. There was no other woman as he believes you assume. There has been no other woman consistently for the duration of your friendship,” he adds almost as an afterthought. Jyn clenches her jaw and looks at the ground, knowing full and well that she didn’t need Kay to be pointing these things out to her. 

“And there hasn’t been anything going on between Scott and I that he didn’t already know about. But he wasn’t willing to listen to that,” she grumbles and reaches for her necklace, the crystal and ring hanging side by side held tightly in her grip. 

“We are all flawed beings, Jyn. If you are unable to forgive him this incident, perhaps I may recommend then that you return his mother’s ring to him. It has great sentimental value to him.” 

Jyn looks up at Kay then, the man’s gaze focused out at the building and not daring to look at her as she thumbs the ring between her fingers. 

“It was his mother’s?” She rasps, a new wave of pain rippling to the surface. She hadn’t known that. She’d thought it was just a cheap knock off from a pawn shop, a joke gag he’d picked up at a corner store or from the second hand store across town. Not one of his few heirlooms that he kept safely tucked away in the back of his desk, still wrapped up in a small box that he refused to talk about unless he was drunk.

“Indeed, it was. He felt it would be safe under your care but perhaps that was short sighted of him as is typical of situations involving you. Anyways, I must depart now that my duties here are complete - studying awaits me. Have a good - “ 

“Wait - can you take it back to him?” She asks quickly, pulling loose the clasp and slipping the ring free from her chain. Thrusting it towards him, Jyn tries to keep her hand steady as Kay looks from the ring to her face and then back again. 

“It is not my gift to return,” he answers evenly and then steps away, heading back to his car as she mumbles out a low thanks to his retreating frame. 

She returns the ring to its place next to her crystal and forces herself not to think about the fact that she wore two tokens of dead mothers around her neck, the weight of it greater than she was prepared to bear today. 

By the time everything has moved from the curb to her new apartment, Jyn has settled the knowledge of Cassian’s gift deep in the back of her mind, her attention turned now to the group and the pizzas she promised them she’d order. She tries to collect everyone’s preference before there’s a knock on the door, Shara on the other side arms already full of take out as Chirrut and Baze follow in after her. 

Before long, most of her things have been moved to the appropriate corners of her apartment, the few pieces of furniture others have ‘gifted’ her assembled in their new place. She tries to tell them not to worry about putting things away but nobody listens, instead diving through her things and taking it upon themselves to put all of her meager belongings away for her.

“Whoa, maybe I don’t want to handle this box,” Han shouts across the living room, Jyn’s ears perking up from where she stands in the bedroom. She races back to where Han stands and slaps closed the box, her butt sinking down onto it as Han steps back.

“Don’t look!” Jyn barks, determined not to let her friend rifle through her stash of adult toys. 

“Don’t worry, kid, I don’t want to go through that as much as you don’t want me to,” he answers and behind him Leia lifts a brow, silently asking as Jyn shrugs and tries to keep the flush out of her cheeks. 

The rest of the evening is spent in post-move chaos, her apartment busy and full of bodies but somehow far from the painful mess she’d expected today to be. When dinner settles in and everyone has found a place on a box, or the floor, Jyn looks around the room and can’t help but think about how lucky she is to have a family like this. One that she found, rather than one she was born into that was bitter and torn like Scott's.

She just wished, if she hadn't any right to wish it, that Cassian was here with her, his absence more painful than she would dare admit to anyone. The feeling follows her around until everyone has left, the silence of the rundown apartment finally sinking in as she curls up alone in bed. She shouldn't have pushed him away. 

But those were regrets best left unsaid. She would do this on her own because that's what she'd always done. With Scott's family's money, she'd raise this kid and they would be happy. She would make sure of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise, things do start to get better after this...


	20. Chapter 20

An already assembled crib shows up after her first exam, the men tasked with moving it into her apartment unable to give her any details.

"Boss just said this was the address to deliver to. Morning shift picked it up, sorry," the large man grumbles as he takes back the clipboard from her. She nods and shows them out before pushing the mystery to the back of her mind so she can focus on her finals project.

* * *

When her third exam ends and Bodhi arrives to take her out for a celebratory dinner, he comes with a basket full of baby clothes.

"Don't ask," he orders and dumps the basket in the den next to the crib, his brow sweaty from the early summer heat that ran through the building.

She doesn't ask, too caught up in the rush of almost being done school, and the clothes get put away with everything else.

* * *

"Oh, I didn't realize you already had a crib," Scott says as he tours her apartment for the first time, poking his head in every corner as she gathers her things for one of their last birthing classes. He'd come early with the excuse that he wanted to see her place and she'd been caught off guard by his arrival on her doorstep, words failing her as he pushed inside.

"You didn't send it?" She asks absently, tucking her textbooks under her arm. She was planning on spending the night at the library after class, her final exam only a few days away and her brain woefully unprepared.

"Nope. I've only bought a few things like bottles and stuff. Was waiting on you to tell me which one you wanted," he adds as he comes to stand by the door once more. Jyn hums her acknowledgement and looks around the space a final time, distracted, before she follows him out to his car, all thoughts of the conversation gone in a blink.

* * *

She wakes up from a nap on one of the library couches, her neck sore and her mind exhausted as her eyes blink open. There's a warmth over her shoulders that takes a minute to register, the scent of something familiar slowly breaking through her consciousness.

Sitting up, Cassian's parka slips from her shoulders and she glances around with bleary eyes, looking for him. All she finds in his absence is a half-empty coffee cup and his shoulder bag resting on a chair. Her mind flickers with the memory that they weren't talking right now, that she was supposed to be upset with him, but it all seems trivial as she scans the floor for him. He's nowhere to be seen and the thought gives her pause. He'd been here not long ago but now he was gone? It didn't make sense.

Getting to her feet, Jyn tucks the parka back into the flap of his bag and does a sweep of the main level before coming up empty. Finding nothing, she disappears into the washroom and rinses her face, returning eventually to her couch to find his things gone almost as if she'd imagined them even being there at all.

Maybe she had. Maybe it was just wishful thinking. But the coffee cup remains like a reminder that for just a brief moment, she hadn't been alone again.

* * *

"Are you going to talk to him this week?" Leia asks, her hands tight around her coffee and her gaze measuring. "It's been almost three weeks. I never thought it was possible for either of you to go this long without seeing one another."

"Why do I have to be the one grovelling? He was the one - "

"Stop, we both know I don't care about the argument itself. I want to know when you're planning on pulling your head out of your ass. Before or after the kid is born?"

"Have you asked  _ him _ that?" Jyn snaps, looking up from her textbook. Her last exam was tomorrow and she didn't have time for the soap opera that her life had become. Sure, in the quiet hours she would admit she missed him, desperately, and yeah, maybe he'd come to find her the other night in the library, but right now she was too tense, too exhausted, to take on the idea of fixing things between her and Cassian. She just needed to finish this exam, to focus on getting it done. Then maybe she could spare a thought for what she was going to do.

"No. But that's because I've left that to Han," she says with a shrug. Jyn groans and looks at the woman with a withering stare. "Fine. Don't do it. See how long he sticks around after graduation if you don't tell him how you feel. And I don't mean that pretend rage that you're putting on because you're scared."

"Did he say something? About leaving?" It's the first time anyone has mentioned it and Jyn's blood runs cold with the thought. All of their conversations from before had centred around staying in the city, finding work in the first place either of them had felt at home. Now he was leaving? It didn't make sense. Was it because of her? 

"Maybe. Maybe not. Guess you'll only find out if you talk to him," Leia states and gets to her feet with a huff. Jyn debates following her, chasing her for the truth, but her studying calls back her attention and she curls her fist tight around her pen, frustration bubbling within her. "I've got to run. Give him a call already. This drama between you two is fucking up my end of term plans."

She leaves Jyn in her wake, her attention barely able to return to the books in front of her.

* * *

She’s at Scott’s lawyer’s office when her phone buzzes in her bag, the vibration rattling out against the desk as she looks up from where she’s just put her final signature on the page. Her last exam had finished two days ago and she’d gone out to celebrate by collecting $50,000 from the Melshi family. 

“And you’re sure this doesn’t impact our own agreement?” Scott says, glancing over at Richard from his own paperwork. 

“Correct. We sign this agreement, the funds are transferred, and then a week from now we can sign an amendment between the two of you with your stipulations. We’ve overwritten sections two and four and we’ll amend section seven. That should give you the conditions you’ve requested, Ms Erso, while also addressing the intent of your father’s offer. When it’s all said and done, both parties will be satisfied, I believe,” Richard responds evenly. Jyn tries not to glare at the man, though it’s hard. 

They’d met with Richard the week after getting back from Easter, Russell’s instructions clear and Jyn’s anger pushing the going rate for her silence up to five times the initial offer. Russell had signed it without question and Scott had stepped in and held her signature back, his own questions keeping them in the office for over an hour and a half. By the end of the meeting, Richard had drawn up an outline of an amendment to the original agreement that both Jyn and Scott could sign, one that solidified Scott’s role in the kid’s life while also protecting Jyn’s agreement with his father. It had been uncomfortable, awkward at times even, but Jyn had felt the weight of the Melshi family’s presence lift from her shoulders as they left the office with a promise of the amendment being ready when they came back to sign. 

Now they were here and Scott was reviewing the document, his attention skewed towards the clauses that Jyn had asked for. Sole custody. Visitation rights. Long-term support rights, if either party wanted to withdraw from the agreement. All of the worries that Jyn had harboured about Scott being involved now addressed in a thirty page legal document that she was set to sign in a week.

It seemed too good to be true and yet here she was, ready to receive the transfer into her account as Scott sat beside her giving her the okay. 

"You're sure about this?" Jyn asks as she lifts her pen and glances over at him.

"Yes. Strangely enough," Scott replies and Jyn signs the document to finalize the agreement. “You gonna get that?” 

Jyn reaches for her phone and feels her stomach sink, her breath tight in her chest as she looks down at the screen. Cassian’s grin meets hers, the photo old but one of her favourite of them together at the sparring gym. The want for him rushes in like a tsunami and it’s only when Scott calls her name that her attention snaps out of the hole it's fallen into. 

“You ready to go?” Scott asks, Jyn realizing that everything had been finished for a few minutes now and they were free to leave. She pushes her phone back into her bag and nods, looking up to follow Scott out of the office and back down to the car. “Was that that Cassian guy calling? I was wondering when he’d pop up again.” 

“What do you mean?” Jyn manages as she moves around the passenger side of the vehicle, trying her best to fake nonchalance. 

“Oh, just that he was practically attached at your hip back in September and you mentioned him after Easter and it sounded like there was something going on but to be honest I’ve been a little surprised I haven’t seen him lately is all,” he answers with a shrug and climbs into the car. Jyn hesitates, looking out over the parking lot for a minute as her thoughts settle. 

“Scott, what did you say to him, back when you were pissed that I broke it off?” She asks softly, glancing down at him for a moment. His cheeks heat and he looks away, turning over the engine. 

“I was an asshole. Told him to step up and make something happen between you two or the next guy wouldn't back off as easy. I shouldn't have said anything but I was angry and thinking you guys were playing a game with me. I was confused that he didn’t just swoop in after me - Did something happen between you guys?" He continues rambling as Jyn settles in beside him, her hands clenched tightly together.

"Kind of. I asked him a while ago to give us space to figure this out and he did, but it backfired. My fault, really, I took him for granted and now he thinks you and I are together and when he asked me about it I flipped out on him."

"Shit. That's a mess. Why don't you call him back? Tell him the truth?" She practically snorts aloud, the option so far out of the realm of logic for her that it makes her want to laugh. "What? Come on, why wouldn't you call him back? Clearly he means something to you or these last few months would have been pretty different."

"What do you mean?" She counters as he glances over at her.

"Jyn, obviously you feel something for him beyond your friendship or we'd still be trying to not kill each other in a doomed relationship. Even I'm not blind to that. Call him. Explain what's going on. In an hour you'll have the transfer and your exams are already done so you've got nothing else to use as an excuse not to fix this."

She sits with it for a minute, turning over the idea in her head now that she finally had space to give it the attention it deserved. It doesn't take her long to realize the aching chasm in her chest has never dulled, she's just turned off herself to its pain. Now it returns full force and she practically gasps with it, the tears filling her eyes in a burning rush. 

She _ missed _ him. She missed him so much it felt like everything inside of her was on fire and she was being consumed by it. Even her bump, with the child inside still growing within her, revolts at the adrenaline leaking into her veins and she feels the kicks rev up in intensity for the first time in weeks. She needed to see him.

"Can you drop me at his place? I have to fix this before it's too late," she whispers and Scott nods, silently following her directions back across town.

Outside his building, Jyn looks back at Scott who gives her a half smile, his shoulders relaxed. 

"You know, he said something to me that day that made me realize we weren't going to work out, even if I tried to get you to come around," Scott pauses, looking up at the building. 

"What did he say?" She asks in return as she delays the confrontation for another minute. Anything to get her thoughts in line, to get her knees ready to grovel.

"He said you'd never be someone I wanted you to be, just because I wanted it. He understood you far beyond anything I could grasp and that's when I knew that I wasn't the person you needed. He didn't outright say he was better suited for you, but the way he talked, like he knew he was lucky just to have you in his life, it was obvious I would never reach his level. He might be dumb for letting you get away with your bit of self-immolation there, but maybe he's just realizing for the first time that you're not going to be what  _ he _ wanted you to be. It could work in your favour, at least," he adds softly, almost remorseful.

"Scott…" Jyn sighs, wrapping her hand over the back of his on the console. "I didn't know then what it was. I only made a move a few weeks ago."

"I get it. Which really just means that if we're gonna do this, I need you to figure it out with him so you're not as moody about missing him like you have been since Easter."

"Since - you knew?" He laughs and nods, looking forward. "Alright. Thank you, for not being an asshole about this again. I appreciate it."

"Anytime. Now get out of my car, I've got plans tonight," he says and Jyn smirks at him, her brow lifting.

"I hope I get to meet her some day," she responds to Scott's laugh. 

"Unlikely, but I'll let you know how she takes the baby momma conversation." 

Jyn smiles at that and climbs from the car, tapping the roof to signal for Scott to drive off and leave her standing at the entrance to Cassian's building. Steeling herself, Jyn tugs her bag over her shoulder and makes for the staircase. The climb up takes longer than it used to, her growing bump now winding her more than before as she ignores her sore feet and her aching muscles. 

Standing in front of his door, Jyn forces herself to stand tall and keep her chin up as she knocks. 

She was going to do this, have the conversation even though the nerves were kicking up inside of her like a fire beginning to catch. He deserved for her to make the effort, even if they were both at fault for letting it get this way, because they owed it to each other to see this through. That, and of course she still missed him like a limb cut from her body. Now she just needed to explain it, to ask him for forgiveness and hope against everything that he would forgive her this error in judgement.

On the other side of the door Jyn hears footsteps, a rustling beyond the wood, and then nothing. She knocks again and tries not to panic as she nearly chickens out, stepping back from the door as though it was starting to catch fire. She's halfway to bailing when she hears the locks turn, the bolt sliding free before the door opens and Cassian's face appears in the space between.

"Hi," Jyn greets, looking over his ruffled appearance. He needed a trim, his beard needed a razor, and the bags under his eyes meant he needed sleep more than she did.

"Jyn," he responds evenly, his face a mask that she can't read. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm… calling you back I guess," she swallows back her laugh, the shrill sound of it dying in her throat. 

"Oh, I didn't - fucking  _ Bodhi _ ," he sighs and presses his forehead to the door. Jyn tries not to recoil, the understanding blooming in her chest. Cassian hadn't called her. He didn't extend the olive branch and now she was here… and he didn't want her to be.

"Shit, okay. I'm sorry, I'll go," she murmurs and draws back, her hand going to her bag to hold on as she tries to keep it together. 

"No - Jyn, no, wait. Come inside. Let's talk," he urges and reaches for her, his hand dropping before it reaches her shoulder almost as if he was second guessing himself. She pauses, gauging him until his lips twitch in a ghost of a smile. "Really. I was working on marking and he was here dropping off more. I just didn't expect you."

She takes one more second to consider it, the possibilities roaring up in her mind, before she swallows back her nerves and follows him inside the place she'd once felt was as close as she could get to a home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, okay, I know I said soon, and I think this chapter is definitely less angsty, but still not the resolution you're looking for. I promise though - next chapter comes all the good stuff and it'll be worth it. It will be SO worth it.


	21. Chapter 21

"Leia says you're moving," Jyn states, awkwardly standing over the threshold as Cassian stops and glances back at her.

"Is that why you're here?" She shakes her head, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Are you though?" Her voice sounds shaky and she hates it. Why had this been her opening line and not something that conveyed just how much she'd actually missed him? 

"I interviewed for  _ one _ job and Leia heard about it. She didn't hear that I turned it down, I guess." Jyn releases the breath she's holding, a small relief fizzling in her gut.

"I'd be okay, you know. If you left, I mean," she adds even though it hurts her to say it. Cassian's face twists up in a rare pained expression, the sight of it making her inwardly recoil.

"Do you want me to leave then?" His voice is rough with it.

"No. I want you to do what you want. And if you wanted to - "

"I don't," he interjects, though there's no sharpness to it. Silence spans out between them and Jyn debates whether she even should have come. 

“Aren’t you done with your exams?” She asks eventually, moving to stand awkwardly at his dining table as he eases deeper into the apartment to hover near the couch. She couldn’t go to him  _ there _ where they’d first - no. She couldn’t give in to that memory. Not if she was going to keep her head on her shoulders. 

“Yes, but I’ve gotta get this marking done so they can get the grades in before the diplomas are printed. It’s like one final exam that is taking centuries,” he jokes in return and Jyn can’t stop the smile that escapes her, her arms loosening from around her torso. “You look - do you need to sit down? I can tidy up - “ 

“Yeah, I mean, I’ll just sit here, if that’s okay?” She responds and pulls out a chair, easing herself into it as he scratches at his jaw. There’s a drawn out silence between them as he rests his hands on his hips, his jaw clenching and unclenching as she watches him look around the room, look everywhere but at her. She wants to scream for him to meet her eyes but she swallows it back, hopeful that he’ll snap out of it. 

He does.

“I heard you moved," he mumbles eventually, perching himself on the arm of the sofa as though he wasn't sure that's where he wanted to be. "They kicked you out, didn't they?"

"Yes. But it's fine, it needed to happen and it's over and - "

"I'm sorry I wasn't there to help. I should have offered, even with - I should have offered."

"No, don't apologize for that. If I'd asked and you'd said no, maybe then, but I didn't ask so…"

"Alright." Another drawn breath, a hesitant pause. "Are we able to put this all behind us, you think? Because this distance is fucking killing me and I just want my friend back." 

Jyn looks up at his tight words, watches as his hands clench on his knees before clasping together.  _ My friend _ . Did he mean only that? She feels the need to go to him, to hold him until this was over, but she stays rooted to her spot as she forces herself to steady.

"I need to tell you that I was never interested in Scott. What you saw - what you inferred from everything - it simply wasn't true. I realize saying this all now instead of actually talking to you about it before, of having a real fucking conversation for once, was really shitty of me and I'm sorry I flipped out on you about it. I was so busy being focused on trying to do everything right and on time and get my courses done and involve Scott that I lost touch with myself. I stopped talking to you about everything that was going on - the names and the missed appointments and  _ everything _ \- because I didn’t want you to have to deal with my mess or leave like everyone else. I think not talking to you about it all just made it worse by deciding to do that. We’ve always spent so much time together and I tell you everything and then I just... I shut you out because I was being dumb and I was scared you would give up on me. I was stressed out on so many things when I got back from his parent’s place and then I took that stress out on you by accusing you of ridiculous shit before you could accuse me because I didn’t know how else to deal with what you were saying. You deserved better - "

"Jyn - "

"No, let me finish please. I'm having a real grown up moment here and I need to say this before I implode. You weren't right to accuse me like that but I can't hold it against you because I did nothing to counter those accusations. I’m sorry that I put the wedge between us and I was the one keeping you at a distance from being more involved because I was scared. It's my fault that I pushed you away when that was the exact opposite of what I wanted. I should have told you what was going on with me instead of pretending like you wouldn’t understand and still stand by me. I should have trusted you, talked to you, instead of keeping it all locked up and letting it fester."

"I appreciate that and you're right, I shouldn't have confronted you like that. I’m sorry. I was in my head and I was feeling insecure because we were doing this together for months and then all of a sudden Scott was in the picture and I was not and it hurt. I was determined to give you space though, like you wanted, but I didn’t know how to do what you needed me to do and still be  _ with _ you. I was so afraid I was losing you and this kid after we finally figured it out that I panicked and made an ass of myself instead of just looking at it rationally. I keep thinking back to what you said - how I was telling you I was out without actually saying it - and I realized I  _ was _ acting petty and childish because I was jealous that I was not the one you needed for this huge thing in your life."

"I _ did  _ need you though," she murmurs and he softens, rubbing at his cheek with the scuff of his palm. 

"I know. But you didn't tell me outright and that was really what made it so hard. I used to think that you always just came out and said what you were thinking but these past few weeks made me realize that that isn't the case. I thought you did but you actually communicate so much without saying anything and it's only because we're close that I think it's so clear to me. And so lately, because of everything else going on and the space between us, I don't think I was listening to what you weren't saying - I purposely wasn't reading between the lines and that's where you were communicating the most. I should have tried harder but I was struggling with the thought of losing you and - “

“You were hurting,” she echoes, her voice cracking as his brow tightens and he ducks his chin in a small nod. Her heart aches for him, the pain rolling off his shoulders making her gut twist as she realizes they both had been fools.

“But I should have communicated that to you instead of shutting you out. I should have told you what I was feeling and what was going through my head instead of being a bastard about it - “

“You weren’t. Really,” she injects as he chokes on his exhale, his eyes closing as his face scrunches up.

“I was so scared you were going to leave me behind, like my mother left my father,” he pauses and Jyn bites the inside of her cheek, terrified of what he was about to say. She’d never known this, not from the bits and pieces she’d collected over the years. Yes, she’d known his parents had died and that he’d been sent to his abuela’s, but the rest of it was murky at best. Was this what had made this all so much worse for him? This history boiling under the surface as she threatened to leave? As she nearly moved on without him?

“We’ve never talked about that,” Jyn manages and Cassian nods, biting his lip for a second before he looks back up at her with ghosts in his eyes. 

“She left when I was just a kid. My father was deeply involved in the revolution and my mother wanted to take us somewhere safe but he refused so she - she left. My abuela came and looked after us and there was a fight - I don’t remember what it was about but then we moved to my abuela’s and we never went back. I only found out later from my  tía that my mother had come back and her and my father had been caught up in a protest and they’d been killed. I don’t know why but it’s been in my head and I’ve been trying to keep it together - “ 

“But you thought I was going to leave and I wasn’t going to take you with me. I was going to leave like your mother did. I’m so sorry, Cassian,” she urges and he shakes his head, his knuckles white as they clutch at his thighs. 

“Don’t apologize. You didn’t know - you couldn’t have changed it. But I wanted to tell you so you’d understand why I think I acted the way I did. Not as an excuse but because you deserve to know that it was more than just us getting in the way of ourselves. It was everything else going on in my head and making me jump to ridiculous conclusions and forget who you were and who we were together. And on that note, I also need to tell you that I wasn't with anyone else - the night you called I was just busy here and I was trying to get work done and - "

"I know, Kay told me," she interjects softly and Cassian snorts, shifting on his seat as he glances back at her, the trouble in his eyes already lessening with the weight of his truth being lifted from his shoulders. "So we were both being stupid then?"

"Is that surprising for us?"

"What do you mean?" She counters, cocking her head to look at him. He smiles then, getting to his feet.

"It took us this long to finally admit we had feelings for one another and then we let our childhood trauma get in the way all while at the same moment we were choosing the absolute most ridiculous time to figure it out with this kid and our degrees and - "

"I will admit we could have had better timing - "

"Maybe if we'd figured this all out before this… " He says, motioning to her bump. She understands the meaning between his words, her heart rate picking up as he steps closer and she looks up at him with weary eyes.  _ It could have been us. It could have  _ been _ Cassian’s _ .

"Does it bother you? That it's not yours?" She whispers, almost afraid of the answer but knowing she needed to ask if she'd ever come to terms with it herself. She’d gotten hints of something from him, little things he said or did that made her think maybe there was a sadness there for him, but she’d never had the courage to press him on it. Now she had to.

"No. Not even for a minute. How could it? It's you - it's your child. I love _ you _ and I will love this kid because it's part of you. Please don't ever doubt that," he responds so surely, his voice so steady, that she can't help but believe him as he gets to his knees before her, bringing them almost to eye level with one another. When he looks up at her then, his gaze certain, she can't help but want to reach for him. 

"Does this feel like we're rushing? Into this relationship? We’ve made so many mistakes already - what if we’re moving too quickly again?" She questions and Cassian shakes his head, reaching out to cup her chin.

"Our friends all thought we were already together, so I'd argue we've moved slower than any other relationship in the history of time. Unless you feel we are? Do we need to pause?" He offers softly. Jyn shakes her head, lifting her hands to his shoulders and tugging him towards her.

"I don’t want to, at all. I've missed you, Cassian. I've missed you so much that I've felt like I was missing a piece of myself. I don't need a pause - I never want to pause again, if you'll have me - "

"Of course I'll have you. I think I've always been looking for you," he adds and surges up towards her, his arms reaching around her and pulling them close together. They embrace tightly for a moment and Jyn feels herself relax, her whole body releasing with it. "I'm so glad Bodhi called you," he mumbles into her hair causing her to laugh and pull back so she can see his face.

"You really didn't know he was doing that?" He shakes his head and rolls his eyes.

"And I probably would have been foolish enough to let it drag on for another week before Kay eventually did something about it. He was starting to make cracks about my appearance - "

"Oh, I could help him out with that, you do look like you've been out in the wilderness."

"I have, just not the way you think. I've been getting lost without you is all - "

"You're so fucking full of it," she guffaws and bends to capture his lips, breathing into his taste, his touch of skin against hers. It feels right, safe, to have him hold her so close. 

“I’m so glad you came back,” he whispers in between kisses, his fingers grazing along her neck, her cheek, before drifting down to her belly and resting there. “I missed you. I was so afraid you wouldn't come back and I felt like I was missing out on so much - “ 

“Shh, no more talk of that,” she murmurs and tugs at his collar to bring him closer, his words echoing in her mind.

_ Wouldn't come back _ . Like his mother, all those years ago which ended with him growing up with his abuela. Her heart clenches and she curls her fingers in his shirt until her knuckles turn white. She would come back for him, always. 

Jyn's hands settle on his shoulders and in return he sighs and pulls back, dragging her up out of the chair until she’s pressed against his chest and they’re stumbling backwards down the hall towards his room. 

They make it to his bed and Jyn tumbles gracelessly down onto it, a squeak escaping her throat as he crawls up beside her and returns his lips to hers. In another second he’s stretched out alongside her, their bodies twisted together on their sides as his palm cradles her chin. There’s nothing rushed about the moment, only their breaths gasping for air as they part and join, two souls bound up together. 

She isn’t sure how long they lay there, how long his mouth explores hers, his hands clutching her close like he never wanted to let go of her ever again. It’s dark when Cassian eventually sighs and pulls back, his eyes locked on hers as his fingers drift through her hair before slipping down to her hip. 

“I need to get back to that marking. Tell me you’ll stay tonight,” he whispers eventually, holding his breath as she runs her fingers along his scruff and he nuzzles into her palm in return. 

“Yeah, I can stay. Or I can go and come back - “ 

“How far is your new place?” 

“A couple blocks. I could go, get some stuff for the night and then head back?” 

“You don’t mind? I worry about you walking - “ 

“Come on, I’m pregnant, not dying. I can walk just fine, thank you,” she adds with a huff and shifts her arms to try to push herself up. So what if she struggles and the effort makes her breathless. That was completely normal. Though she almost whacks him for swallowing back laughter at her difficulties. 

“Fine. Okay. You go, I’ll get us some food and when you get back I’ll hopefully be done and we can eat and hangout,” he adds as he gets to his feet and follows after her back into the front room. Where she heads to the dining table to collect her things, Cassian heads back to the couch and flops onto it unceremoniously, sighing as he looks over the papers. Jyn grabs her bag and makes quick work of collecting her things before something out of the corner of her eye catches her attention. 

“You sent me the crib?” She questions, holding up the assembly manual for the same model of crib she currently had in her apartment. The very thought of Cassian having bought something so expensive just for her makes her chest tighten, her eyes welling as she meets his gaze across the room. 

“Kay said it was delivered alright - I didn’t know how to ask you about it. Why? Do you hate it?” He asks and she shakes her head, looking down at the paper for something to do that wouldn’t encourage her to cry any more than his kindness already was. 

“But you were mad at me - why would you get me something like that? When you didn’t know what was happening between us?” She manages to get out before the tears make her voice falter. 

“Well, I did order it before and that’s what Kay and I were doing when you called over Easter - “ 

“You were building a crib while I was off with someone you thought I was leaving you for?” She laments and when she looks up again he’s there, standing before her, his arms reaching for her and drawing her close. 

“Jyn - I would give you the stars if I could. Sure, there was a lot tied up in the idea but the most important thing for me was you. I knew you’d have a hard time affording it so I picked it up from a sale and a classmate of mine had all those hand-me-down clothes so she offered to give them to you and - “ 

“The clothes were you  _ too _ ? Dammit Cassian - “ 

“No, don’t be upset - “ 

“I’m not upset! I’m just… I don’t know what I am.” 

“Then just say ‘thank you’ and we’ll be done with it,” he jokes and Jyn rolls her eyes, slapping his shoulder. 

“Thank you. But you don’t need to spend more money on me because you feel sorry for me - “

“I don’t. I just know it’s a stress - “

“Scott’s father gave me a shit tonne of money,” she interrupts, looking up to meet his gaze. “I wanted you to know because you don’t need to buy these things for me and you deserve to know what’s going on if we’re really going to do this relationship thing properly.” 

“Does that mean Scott is backing out or - “ 

“No. We’re amending the agreement next week so he has a stake. It was just a really frustrating remnant of Easter and I wanted to screw his father out of as much as I could because he was such a dick to me about this. No - it’s fine,” she stops his concerned expression from building, her hands squeezing lightly against his forearms. “Really. His family is horrible and I’m glad to be rid of them. But Scott isn’t going anywhere so I’d really like it if you and him could start fresh - meet again and actually talk. I need you guys to get along because we're doing this and I can't have you two at odds with me always as the inbetween. Will you try if I set it up?” Cassian’s hesitant smile only widens, his thumbs grazing her cheeks as he nods. 

“Of course I will. I wasn’t lying before, when I said I’d do what I needed to to make this easier for you. I want you in my life and I want this kid in my life and if that means Scott too, well then Scott can be part of it. You’re who I want, alright? You’re the whole package to me,” he adds and she grins back up at him, the tears drying on her cheeks as she lifts onto her toes and kisses him once more. 

“Thank you,” she whispers against his lips, holding tightly to him for another moment before settling back on her heels. “Now, I should go so you can focus. I’ll see you in a bit.” 

She makes for the door and can't keep the smile off her lips as she looks back at his dazed expression, the hope flickering in his eyes as he watches her leave. Jyn is not a flowery language kind of girl, but there's something about his expression that makes butterflies take flight in her belly, her whole body lighting up with it. The feeling follows her all the way back to her apartment, the cool spring evening reminding her of regrowth, of fresh starts and the changing world.

When she gets home, she makes quick work of collecting her things and stuffing them into an overnight bag. In the small den, she pauses over one of her boxes of toiletries and looks up at the crib that sits ready in the corner. Abandoning her task, she walks to the wooden slats and runs her fingers over the soft oak bars, her touch tracing the pieces with a care she hadn't yet had a minute to think about with everything else going on. Her hand runs halfway down the expanse before her fingers light over a metal plate screwed into the siding. 

Curious, Jyn stands on her toes to try to bend over and read it, just barely missing the edge. With a huff and a grunt, she pulls the piece of furniture away from the wall so she can squeeze around the corner and look at the engraved plate head on.

_ Hope in Bits _

The letters are scrawled, tiny, and they bring tears to her eyes as she reads them over again.

Despite their fight, Cassian hadn't really given up on her. He'd put his care and time into assembling this thing even though he was unsure where he stood, even though she'd pushed him away. He hadn't really left her, not really, and that was more telling than anything either of them could say. He was there for her even when she deserved less from him.

She pulls out her phone just as a message beeps through, the device's screen flickering to life with the alert.

_ Bring extra stuff if you want. I've got a drawer you can use if that makes you more comfortable  _ \- Cassian, 8:52pm

She taps out her reply quickly and adds a toothbrush, a spare set of clothes and pyjamas, and calls it sufficient. She'd use the drawer because she knew neither of them were interested in pretending anymore. They were in this relationship - had been for a long while now - just neither of them had wanted to admit it.

By the time she returns to the apartment, bag in tow, she's ready to collapse into bed and curl up with Cassian at her side. The day had been a roller coaster of nerves and she was ready to call it, her body aching and her mind tired as she twists the key in the lock to let herself in.

Cassian lay sprawled across the couch, the takeout abandoned on the counter as he curls into the cushions and snores softly. Peeling off her shoes as quiet as she can, Jyn sets her bag down on the floor and moves to put the takeout in the fridge before heading towards the living room. Her eyes trace over the papers on the table as she finds all but a handful of the assignments marked and stacked in his 'completed' pile. When she turns her gaze to his sleeping frame she can't help the way her breath stalls at the sight of him, wild hair and another parenting book tucked between his chest and the cushions.

She realizes then that he'd been taking on extra stuff too for this kid. He'd not just bought her the crib, he'd rearranged his life to accommodate space for her and the choices she'd made. This last semester hadn't just been his final year of TA'ing and studying, it had also been full of attending her appointments and reading up on all the subjects the doctor had assigned them. He'd been doing the work too, even though he didn't have to, and Jyn hadn't considered before how much that mattered to her. 

With that thought in mind, Jyn rests a gentle hand on his shoulder to rouse him from sleep. He starts and then blinks up at her, surprise on his face before it transforms into a soft smile.

"So it wasn't a dream then," he whispers, his fingers wrapping around hers. 

"No. Come, let's go to bed," she responds and Cassian shifts and gets to his feet, wrapping himself around her as they move down the hallway together. 

It's quiet as they pull the clothes from their frames, eyes flickering up to one another as each item leaves another patch of skin exposed. When all that's left are their undergarments, Cassian pauses and lifts his hand to her chest, his fingers sliding along the chain and down to the crystal and ring that hang from her neck.

"You still have it," he says, reverent.

"Of course I do. It was your mother's." Her words make him look down at her with a curious glance, his brow raised.

"How did you - "

"Kay told me, when he helped me move. Do you want it - "

"No, it was a gift." There's a silence between them then, a wave of emotions flickering through his features before he sighs and presses his palm to her chest, holding the items against her skin. "I think she would have liked you, if you'd ever met. She was strong willed and a force to be reckoned with, my abuela always said. She would be glad you have it."

"Thank you, for trusting me with it. I know it means a lot to you."

"So do you," he answers and Jyn reaches for him and lets him draw her close into a tight hug, his face tucking against the space between her shoulder and neck as his hands clutch at her skin. "I missed you," he murmurs, soft and tentative. Jyn responds by running her fingers through his hair, her arms tightening their hold around him as she presses her lips to his shoulder. 

Steering them back towards the bed, Jyn disengages just long enough to crawl under the sheets, her hands already reaching for him as he joins her. They tangle themselves up together with no space between, hearts beating in sync as his hips slide into place behind hers. She tugs his arm around her, holding him to her back as his lips trail slow kisses along her shoulder.

She isn't sure who falls asleep first but she wakes surrounded by him, his taller frame wrapped from head to toe and one hand protectively sprawled across her bump. It's dark in the room apart from the light from the hallway but her eyes adjust as she disengages and slides to the end of the bed. 

"Can't sleep?" He asks, breaking the silence as he sits up to look at her with half-hooded eyes.

"No. I need to pee, this kid is using my bladder like a football," she answers with a smile and Cassian nods, settling back down and seemingly satisfied with the answer. 

When she returns she finds him sitting up against the headboard, his expression more awake and relaxed than she's seen it since she first arrived. He grins up at her as she makes her way across the room, a playful smirk hidden at the edges.

"What?" She prompts as she climbs onto the bed, watching as his eyes roam over her frame.

"You're just… you're beautiful and I don't tell you that enough," he answers. Jyn snorts unflatteringly and covers more of herself.

"You don't have to lie, Cassian, you've already got me."

"I'm not lying - "

"I’m the size of a small house - “ 

“So? Doesn’t change anything. And even if it did, it’s only for what, another month?” 

Jyn startles at that, her brow furrowing as she looks down at the child growing within her. One more month and she’d have a kid. One month and she’d be a mother, with all of the responsibilities and expenses and complications that came with it. To say it was starting to freak her out was an understatement - she was hovering on the edge of panic. 

“What? What did I say?” Cassian worries, reaching for her hand and squeezing it as she glances up at him. 

“A month? I’m not ready for a kid, Cassian! I only have one more  _ month _ ?” Her voice rises as she says it, her heart starting to hammer in her chest. But it’s Cassian’s laughter and his palm on her cheek, turning her lips to his and stopping her growing panic with a kiss.

“You’re going to be amazing, Jyn. You’re ready for this, I promise,” he states, his eyes locking with hers. “We’ve got this, okay?” 

The  _ we _ in his sentence is like an instant balm, her head ducking in a quick nod as he runs his fingers through her hair. His touch soothes as he nudges her nose with his, his lips seeking hers for a brief moment before she finally leans into him. Their kiss starts slow and then boils into something needy, all the desire from the past few weeks that she’d bottled up now simmering under the surface as she reaches for him.

“Can we - ?” Jyn manages to gasp out as Cassian’s mouth trails down her throat. 

“Do you want - ?” He asks into her skin and Jyn nods, tightening her grip. 

“Yes. Please,” she adds and he laughs, a gentle sound that traces over her and leaves gooseflesh in its wake. 

Returning her lips to his skin, Jyn sighs as he shifts her up and towards him, his hand guiding her leg over his hips. She goes awkwardly, her bump more prominent now as she settles atop him. 

“Sorry,” she murmurs as he readjusts beneath her. 

“Don’t apologize - it’s just different, not bad,” he responds as he reaches for her chin to drag her back down. His tongue runs the line of her lip before she opens herself to him, accepting him like a part of herself falling back into place. 

When her hips begin to rock of their own accord on his lap, Jyn can’t stop the moan that escapes her as his fingers tighten on her hips. Below her, Cassian’s length hardens and it drives her wild, her mouth hanging open in a silent cry as he nips along the column of her throat. His fingers drift to her sports bra, slipping under the edges as she takes the hint and raises her arms above her head. With the fabric discarded to the edge of the bed, she turns her attention back to his mouth, diving in to taste him as her hands bracket his cheeks. He gives himself fully to her, lifting himself to reach her more easily as her hair falls in a blanket around them. 

It’s his fingers grazing over her nipples that finally makes her break the kiss, the feel of it echoing through her and making her breathless. Cassian smiles into her skin and runs his palms along her ribs, down to her bump where they pause as he curls himself to press a kiss there. 

“ _ Hermosa _ ,” he whispers and before Jyn even has a second to take in what he’s said, his fingers are slipping down to the band of her underwear and he’s asking for silent permission. 

They part to remove their final bits of clothing before Jyn crawls back towards him, climbing back onto her place in his lap as he wraps his arms around her and returns his lips to hers. The kiss almost distracts her from trying to figure out just how they’re going to do this, with her belly always in the way and her mobility now a struggle at best. But then Cassian is dropping a hand between them and groaning at finding her already wet, his hand moving to his cock as he rubs the tip between her folds. She nods in reply to his silent question, his eyes searching hers. 

_ Is this okay? _

_ Do you need me like I need you? _

She responds with an emphatic yes, sinking her hips down until he’s fully enveloped within her. The stretch of him is familiar and wonderful and his soft pants against her shoulder are almost too much as her body adjusts and squeezes around him. Starting slow, Jyn rolls her hips to his quiet moan, his hands finally settling along her spine. The feeling of his body below hers, its careful drive up into her downward thrusts, makes her insides twist and tighten more with every second. 

Steadying out their pace, Cassian begins to buck his hips in earnest as his mouth drops to her breast. He rests his head against her collar and mouths at each nipple before turning his attention back up to her lips. She returns his kiss with every fibre of her being, tasting and revelling in his attention as he draws her down to him. 

The need to pick up the pace eventually has her drawing away, leaning her hands back on his thighs as he watches her with a heavy gaze. With the new angle, Jyn clenches herself around him and nearly passes out from the way he rubs against just the right spot inside her walls. Ever the gentleman, Cassian holds her hips for balance so that she can take control and move against him quicker, driving him deeper into her with each movement. Eventually, Cassian manages to drop his fingers from her hip to where they’re joined and she cries out at the touch of him on her most sensitive spot. 

The new sensation has her reeling and everything bursts apart as he pulls her brusquely up and his teeth drag at her lower lip, his fingers pressing to her clit as he thrusts up into her and his palm holds steady on her shoulder to keep her pressed down onto him. She feels the orgasm bubble up and it catches her off guard, a shout escaping her throat as she collapses against him and her whole body shivers with the release. He barely lasts another minute before he’s shuddering and coming inside her with a grunt that she feels ripple throughout her. 

She isn’t quite sure how she survives, her heart only slowing it’s racing tempo when she feels his scruff against her cheek, his fingers brushing her chin as he presses a kiss to her temple. 

“ _ Te amo _ ,” he murmurs, just loud enough for her to hear. She doesn’t know much Spanish, but she knows enough to know the difference between  _ te amo _ and  _ te quiero _ and the words bring fresh tears to her eyes, her arms tightening around his shoulders. 

“ _ Yo también _ ,” she manages to force past her lips and Cassian shifts to look up at her, surprise and love shining back at her. 

“ _ ¿Desde cuándo hablas español?” H _ e replies and Jyn grins and lifts her shoulders. “You don’t know what I asked, do you?” He questions on a laugh and Jyn shrugs again, pretending to be preoccupied with a spot on his shoulder. 

“I’ve picked up  _ parts _ of what you said. But no - I just, I know what  _ te amo _ means and I wanted to say ‘me too’. I love you too, okay?” His smile widens with her words, his kiss all the response she needs as they fall together on the bed, thoughts of the past few weeks a mere memory as they find their way back to one another. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friends, you're getting this hot mess of fluff a day early because I've had a terrible day and it's COVID and I'm stuck in my dark apartment and it's winter and I just need some positivity in my day so maybe you'll feel inspired to share with me any thoughts you have on this chapter or rebelcaptain in general or just how bad I am at Spanish.


	22. Chapter 22

They'd only gone for coffee. What was taking them so  _ long _ ? 

Jyn slams the lid of her beaten up laptop closed as she looks away from the clock, her body pushing itself out of the chair to anxiously move through the apartment. She was tired of applying for jobs, she was tired of reading and cleaning, she was tired of being stuck in her apartment with nothing to do while Cassian and Scott were out probably tearing each other apart.

Where  _ were _ they? 

Picking up her phone, Jyn checks her unread messages and her call log, just to be safe, before pacing into the den and staring at the new rocking chair her and Cassian had rescued from a rehoming centre. Moving towards it, she kicks at its questionable leg before deciding to give it a try. She's only managed to get in a few testing rocks back and forth before the key sounds in her lock, Cassian and Scott walking into the apartment without so much as a knock.

"Jyn?" Cassian says, ducking into the den to find her struggling to get to her feet. His grin widens as he moves closer and reaches out a hand in offer. 

"Don't mock me," she grumbles, swatting at his hand and attempting to lift herself once more. 

"She doesn't let you help her either?" Scott questions, poking his head around the corner to watch her heave another breath before flopping gracelessly back in the seat.

"Nope - "

"I thought these damn chairs were supposed to _ help _ me," Jyn groans, effectively giving up. Cassian takes another step forward and reaches out both hands to her, the silent offer making her scowl. "You don't get to laugh at me," she hisses as she takes his wrists in hand.

"I'd never," he answers and leans back so that she can pull herself back to standing. "But I do wonder what you would do if we hadn't arrived and been here to rescue you."

"I'd have been just peachy, thanks," she responds and brushes past him back into the living room. "I assume your conversation went well, seeing as neither of you are missing any limbs." 

"The cafe you sent us to doesn't allow any fisticuffs so we couldn't throw down there. Figured we'd come back here and have it out with you as the referee…"

Jyn stares at Scott as he looks towards Cassian with a scowl, his hands rubbing together as though warming for a fight.

"Seriously?" Jyn snaps, looking between them as they move toe to toe, their gaze never breaking. "You two idiots couldn't have a fucking conversation without - "

They break out into laughter then, their tight expressions washing into humour as they step back and look at her.

"Of course we talked," Cassian urges, reaching for her and drawing her into his chest as the confusion still runs through her veins. She glances up at Scott then, nervous that this instance of PDA will sour the mood in the room. He only smiles and gives her a shrug, waiting patiently for them to part before speaking up.

"It's all good. We figured out where we both stand and then spent the last hour shooting the shit. We're good," Scott finishes just as his phone beeps with a message. "Anyways, I only stopped in to fuck with you and make sure we're still on for the appointment Tuesday? Or am I off the hook now that you guys are back together?"

"Scott - " Jyn starts, her brow furrowing. Had Scott only made amends so that he could - 

"Kidding - seriously. Cassian is going to go with you on Tuesday. We talked about it and we both figured he hasn't got a chance to see the kid as more than a shadow on the monitor so you might as well freak him out too. Plus, it means I get to sleep in so it's really a win-win."

"Right," she responds evenly, brushing aside the jealousy that strikes her at the possibility of sleeping in. She hadn't had a decent sleep in months and she was pretty sure she wouldn't have one for the next few years, at the very least. Why couldn’t  _ she _ be the man in this stupid scenario? "Okay well, I don't really care who comes to any of these things but good to know you guys have sorted it out. I'll text you later, alright?"

"Sure thing, baby momma," he says and Jyn sends him a withering look as he makes for the door. When he's gone, she turns to Cassian and lifts a brow in silent question. 

"Baby momma?" He prompts, his lips quirked up at the edges and his eyes bright. "Not as sexy as  _ mamacita _ , but I guess - "

"You two are going to kill me, aren't you? I've created monsters."

"I wouldn't say that, but we're probably not going to kill each other, so perhaps an improvement?" She looks up at him at that, her head shaking slightly despite her smile. "What? We have common ground and see eye to eye when it comes to the situation now. Both of us are here to support you and the kid and if either of us has an issue, we've decided to just talk to each other like adults. He doesn't care if we date - "

"Like he ever had a say - "

"No, he wouldn't, of course, but it makes it easier. And he doesn't care if I'm around the kid as long as I treat it right which - obviously - I will. So we'll figure it out and take your lead on these things. That's good, right?"

"That's better than I expected, I guess," she says after a moment, uncrossing her arms and relaxing her shoulders for the first time since Cassian left the apartment that morning. 

"Another thing off the checklist," he affirms and lifts his hand to her cheek, his fingers drifting along her chin. "Wanna take a nap? You look exhausted."

"Thanks. Glad to know I look as good as I feel.” 

“Not what I meant,” he defends quickly as Jyn waves a hand in dismissal. 

“It’s fine. I’m tired because this kid won't stop moving and let me rest for more than five minutes. Feel this!" She grabs at his hand and drags it to her belly, his smile growing as he feels the kicks beneath her skin.

"Already kicking ass, just like its mother," he jokes and she covers his fingers with hers, holding tight as the movement continues. When it seemingly stops, Cassian links their fingers together and he tugs her down the hall. "Come on, let's lay down."

She follows after him, discarding her bra with a sigh as she climbs onto the bed. Cassian eases himself down next to her, his head coming to rest on her chest as he turns his attention to her bump. His fingers drift along her belly before sliding under the fabric of her shirt and easing it upwards so he can splay his palm flat over her skin. 

" _ Arrorró mi niño, arrorró mi sol, arrorró pedazo, de mi corazón, _ " he sings, his voice low and the words soft against her skin. She realizes what he's doing after the second verse, her eyes stinging with unshed tears as her hormones get the best of her. Why did he have to be so  _ sweet _ with her, now, when she was at her weakest to resist his charms? 

" _ Háganle la cama en el toronjil, y en la cabecera pónganle un jazmín que con su fragancia me lo haga dormir. _

" _ Arrorró mi niño, arrorró mi sol, arrorró pedazo, de mi corazón. _ " 

When he's done, Cassian looks up to find her eyes shut tight, her fingers clenched in his shirt as he slowly moves further up beside her to take her in his arms. It's there that she finally falls asleep, the warmth of Cassian at her side enough to give her the solace she craves before eventually drifting off to sleep.

* * *

“Fuck, Cassian,” Jyn moans, her cheek pressed against the cold tile and one hand curled around the soap shelf to try to steady herself. 

“Want me to stop?” He asks into her shoulder, the sound of the shower and the echoes of their heavy breaths making his words fade in and out in her head. 

“No, no, no,” she responds and to prove her point she rotates her hips back into his, his cock sliding along the length of her slit and teasing at her entrance. He hisses as his fingers pick up their pace on her clit, his other hand tightening its desperate hold on her hip. 

How they had managed to find their way into the shower to do this was beyond her. They’d woken up, had gone about their morning routine, and only when they’d both leaned over the sink to brush their teeth, the steam from the warming shower covering the mirror, had he looked at her with that wild spark in his eyes. She hadn’t needed to be asked, already half naked and ready to hop in, she’d discarded the last of her clothes and stepped under the spray. Cassian had joined her a few seconds later, his lips finding hers in a searing kiss that had weakened her knees. 

Now she was up against the wall, holding on for dear life as he ran his hands over her skin and traced his mouth along her spine. She wanted him inside her, filling her, but he was taking his damn time and they were going to run out of hot water soon if he didn’t  _ hurry up _ . 

“Please,” she whimpers as his tip catches at her entrance before slipping by once more. 

“Maybe,” he breathes, pausing and resting his forehead against the back of her neck to pant as though he’s just returned from a marathon. “We should move this somewhere safer - less slippy,” he adds and Jyn could nearly scream. 

She was  _ so _ close. So close to getting what she wanted. But the worst part was that he was  _ right _ . Her doctor would be furious with her for even attempting this, his reminder to keep two feet on the ground until this kid was out of her fluttering back into her mind. She’d never been good at shower sex and that was when she  _ wasn’t _ front heavy and with garbage balance. It’s just - she wanted him now. She wanted him in her because she was so close and he was here and she just - 

“I don’t want you to fall - “ 

“I know,” she grunts and moves to stand upright, forcing her wet hair back from her face. “Let me wash up first and then we can continue this after.” She catches his grin before he dumps shampoo in his palm, reaching up to run his fingers through her hair. “What are you doing?” 

“Moving this along. Get the soap and do me and then we’ll switch. It’ll go faster so we can relocate.” 

She doesn’t need to be told twice, reaching for the soap and lathering up his chest and along his ribs. They make quick work of it, stealing a few kisses in between movements to keep her body thrumming along in anticipation. When the water finally runs cold and the last of the suds are rinsing out of his hair, Cassian slaps at the tap and reaches for the towel to begin roughly drying her off. Standing up and holding back laughter, Jyn steps out of the tub and lets him rub the cotton along her frame before she turns and does the same to him. 

With her arms around his neck and his hands pressed to her back, he steers them down the hall to her bedroom before her knees hit the bed and she drops down onto the mattress. She reaches for his length without pausing, her fingers wrapping around it and quickly bringing it back to standing at attention. 

“Jyn,” he urges, his fist clenching in her hair as she takes him in her mouth. She hums in reply and flicks her eyes up to meet his, noting the blown pupils and the flush in his skin as she does. “If you keep - ah,” he gasps as she flicks her tongue along his tip, his words faltering in his throat as his hand tugs at her hair to pull her back. She backs off of him with a ‘pop’, her tongue darting out to run along her lips as he reaches down to wrap his fingers tightly around his base and stave off his ejaculation. 

“We don’t have much longer before we need to go,” she manages as she watches him catch his breath, her heart racing. They needed to hurry because they were expected at Leia’s soon and she knew how much Cassian hated being late and if they didn’t focus now she was definitely  _ not _ going to get the ending she was desperately hoping for before they had to go. 

“Fuck it, we can get there when we get there,” he mumbles and reaches down to kiss her, his lips bruising as his fingers slip between her thighs. 

“But - “ 

“No ‘buts’. I’m - you - I want you. Come ‘ere,” he urges clumsily and drags her up until she’s crashing into him, his hands steadying her as she fumbles to reach him. His touch finds her once more, hot and already wet, and he slides his fingers inside without so much as a minute to catch her breath before he’s pressing against that spot that makes her knees go weak. Using it to his advantage, Cassian turns her to face the bed and guides her hands down onto it. She follows his lead and ends up on her side, her knees pressed together at the edge of the mattress as his hand continues its ministrations. 

“Cassian,” she whines when her hips pressing back towards him earns her a kiss instead of what she really wants. “Please.  _ Please? _ ” 

He huffs out a breath and removes his hand, barely giving her a moment before he pushes inside and she’s crying out, the feel of him in this new position making her vision white out. Recovery never really catches up to her as he starts to thrust, one hand locked around her thigh to keep her in place and his other hand tracing patterns along her skin, back and forth until she’s fit to fall apart. With her legs tight together and her body already so primed from the shower, it doesn’t take long for the sensations to flood her, her moans turning into desperate pleas as he continues to fuck into her at a quick pace. 

“ _ Te sientes tan bien _ ,” he grinds out, hips stuttering as his fingers clench so tightly around her thigh that she’s sure to bruise. The pressure only drives her higher, the want for him so intense that she grabs at his roaming hand and pulls it until he’s bent over her, her fingers digging into his neck as she stretches up to kiss him. His taste and his broken gasp are enough to throw her over the edge and she careens, her legs twisting together as she tightens around him and the orgasm whips through her veins. Somewhere in her blissed out brain, she feels him reach his own peak, his body tensing over her as his hips twitch and his body jerks its final release into her in a pulsing mess. 

She comes back to herself with him curled around her, his chest against her side and his legs straddling her hip as though he’d pulled out of her and forced her up the bed so that he could collapse atop her frame. She doesn’t mind - not in the least - as he struggles to catch his breath and his body traps hers against the mattress. The weight of him is almost pleasant as his mouth traces her skin, his body immobile apart from the thumb that rubs tiny circles over her bump. 

“I didn’t think you could have sex like that while you were pregnant,” she manages after he finally pulls himself together enough to crawl off of her, settling down on his back with his arm flung over his brow. 

“Like what?” He returns, peeking at her with a grin on his lips. 

“Like we’re both starving. I’m not complaining - it was really fucking good - I was just expecting it all to be classic vanilla, you know?” 

“Are you trying to tell me I’ve been  _ boring _ all this time?” He counters, rolling to face her with a lifted brow. 

“No! Just - I didn’t realize - I mean, I liked it all the other times but this... Like, fuck Cassian, I don’t think I’ve blacked out from sex before and I’m pretty sure I lost an entire five minutes of time there when I came so I just - this was  _ really _ fucking good. Feel free to do that again, whatever it was, any time, alright?” His lips twist up in a shit-eating grin and he lunges for her, his palm cupping her cheek as he steals the breath from her lungs. 

“I promise to always strive to make you black out then, even if me saying that out loud sounds incredibly weird in retrospect. And just so you know, I think I did too, just a little bit. I’m pretty sure your kegel muscles drained me dry and that is not at all a bad thing,” he finishes with a satisfied little sound, easing onto his back once more as she stifles a laugh and crawls into the space between his outstretched arm and chest. 

They’re only half an hour late to Leia’s and Jyn tells the woman it’s a miracle they’ve even bothered to show up. Leia’s cocked eyebrow and knowing smile as she flickers her gaze between her and Cassian make Jyn’s cheeks heat, the feeling following her through the house and into the backyard where she’s caught off guard by the chorus of ‘Surprise!’ being shouted in her direction. 

Around the yard stand her friends, Chirrut and Baze, even Scott on the edge with Mon next to him. There aren't any balloons but they make up for it with streamers scattered everywhere, twisting in the wind and making colourful kaleidoscopes of patterns through the trees as she stands stunned in the doorway. 

“You didn’t think we’d let you get away without a baby shower, did you?” Leia asks, coming up behind her and placing a hand on her shoulder. “Us? The meddling crowd of people who have been taking bets on this kid’s gender behind your back?” 

“Leia - “ 

“She didn’t, but I definitely did,” Han breaks in, stepping by them and passing her a bottle of sparkling juice as he goes. “The pool is at $500. You’ll thank me when you get $250 of it later.” 

“You fucking goon,” Jyn grumbles, slapping his shoulder but barely hard enough to wrinkle his shirt. If she was being honest, she was embarrassed by the attention, thrown off guard by the thought, and generally just overwhelmed with the hormones and with Cassian’s hand squeezing her hip hard enough to keep her centered. “I can’t believe you guys did all this,” she continues, forcing her voice to steady even though her eyes are burning and her chest is heavy and she just wants to cry for one quick minute. 

“We didn’t do much - you’ve done all the hard work so we’re just really enjoying the party. Why don’t you - “ 

She twists away from the door and escapes back into the house, the tears coming quickly and rushing over her cheeks as she ducks into the bathroom and closes the door quietly behind her. When the knock sounds at the door, Jyn sniffs the tears back and rubs at her face, doing her best to force a smile onto her lips as she looks up from where she sits on the edge of the tub. 

“I’m - oh, Mon, I thought - “ 

“Cassian is waiting down the hall. I asked if I could have a moment with you first,” she pauses and Jyn sighs, letting herself fall apart for another minute because it was Mon and she understood and the woman had never once asked her to do more than she thought she could handle throughout the short time the woman had known her. “Apart from this bit of surprised emotions, how are you doing?” 

“I think I’m starting to freak out a bit, to be honest,” she croaks, watching as Mon settles her hip against the counter. 

“What do you think would be the root of that, if you had to guess?” Jyn glances up at her with a withering, comical look, before motioning to her bump with a swooping arm gesture. “Are you able to be more specific?” She counters on a laugh, her head tilted in understanding. 

“The other day I was reminded that my due date was less than a month away and I didn’t realize it. I’ve been so focused on school and this mess with Scott and Cassian that for a minute I actually forgot that this phase was going to end soon. And I’m not ready. Not even the least bit ready. Yes - I have finished my degree and I’ve sorted things out with everyone - but I still don’t know what I’m going to name it, or if I want to breastfeed or go straight to the bottle, and Mon, I haven’t even done that birth plan you told me to work on. So if I were to go into labour today none of us would have any fucking idea what we’re supposed to be doing because I haven’t told anyone what I want! And - “

“Alright, okay. Let’s just take a breath here. That’s it - in and out. No need to go tumbling off the deep end making chaos where it’s not needed. The name thing? We both know that you’re not going to name it until you meet it, so don’t pretend like that’s the thing you need to decide on now. And the breast feeding? You’ll do what you feel comfortable doing when you’re ready. There’s nothing to prep for on that and if you change your mind one second after you’ve decided it, there’s nothing wrong with changing it again. So both of those things are null and void on the list of things that Jyn Erso needs to be focused on.” 

“But the birthing plan - “ 

“Take a minute, when you close your eyes and think about what your delivery is going to look like, what do you see?” She requests softly, her gaze never wavering as Jyn follows her guidance and closes her eyes. The image of the hospital room comes to her in a flash, the colours and the sounds and the people all helping at her side. 

“I see - “ 

“No, don’t tell me. When you get home tonight, write it down. Send it to me and we will do everything in our power to make it happen as close to what you want it to be. And if you change your mind on the day of, then we change it. I want you to try to remember that you are not doing this alone. Not today, as seen by those people outside, not on the day you give birth, not on the day after, when you go home from the hospital with a child. I have not seen a single sign that you are doing any of this alone and I refuse the notion that you have that you are unprepared,” she urges and reaches for Jyn’s shoulder, squeezing it tightly before standing back up straight and checking her hair in the mirror. “You’ve taken the classes, you’ve done the readings, and you’ve made all of the important choices that you needed to make. Now you are at the point where you just move from one situation to the next and what happens will happen. Humans have been giving birth for centuries - I am quite sure that you will be just fine when that day arrives for you. So why don’t we take a minute, pull ourselves together, and go back outside to celebrate?”

“Why do you always cut right to what I need to hear?” Jyn says on an exhale, her tears starting to dry on her cheeks as she looks up at the woman. 

“Because I knew your mother and she would have said these exact same things to you if she were here right now. That, and I get the gist that you’ve never been one to not face your problems with a little blunt force, so I don’t propose to start treating you like a wilting flower anytime soon,” she adds with a knowing smile, one that makes Jyn’s own cheeks lift up in a grin. 

“Alright. I’ll be out in a minute,” Jyn offers to Mon’s returning nod. The woman finishes with her hair and opens the door, stopping and glancing back at Jyn with a raised brow. “Yeah, he can come in,” Jyn says with a laugh, catching sight of Cassian’s concerned expression over Mon’s shoulder. 

“Hey - what’s going on?” He whispers, sinking to his knee before her and resting his hands on her wrists as Mon disappears through the doorway. 

“Utter calamity, but I think I’ll be alright. Can you help me get up off this thing?” She asks, turning her hands into his and holding tight as he moves to stand and drags her up with him. 

“Is there anything I can do or - “ 

“You’re already doing everything I need you to do,” she interjects, reaching up on her toes to kiss his cheek before she spares a moment to glance in the mirror and brush her hair back from her face. She doesn’t look like she’s been crying so she plasters on a smile and loops her arm with his, happy to lean into him as they head back out into another attempt at a chorus of ‘Surprise!’

This time though, she stays and lets her friends surround her, their excitement and their support for her making her heart grow in her chest more with every minute. Though she wasn’t still at a hundred percent, Jyn wasn’t going to deny that being around this found family made her feel like maybe this whole thing wasn’t going to be as rough as she’d expected. That maybe, just maybe, it was going to be a  _ good _ thing and not some foolhardy mistake. 

A part of her, small but still bright, was even starting to  _ hope _ . 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for the well wishes. Things have been tough but this has been a quiet solace for me, so thank you.


	23. Chapter 23

She was too pregnant. Okay, maybe every day since she found out she was pregnant has she technically been ‘too pregnant’ for her own comfort, but still. Her due date had come and gone and now she was miserable and huge and her body ached and her heartburn sucked and she hadn’t had sex in over a week and she was just  _ done _ with it all. 

Why was this thing still in her? Why hadn’t it decided enough was enough and made its move? She was  _ tired _ and she was  _ miserable _ and she never should have told Cassian - in an emotional outburst no less - not to come over because even if he were just able to rub her feet right now she was sure she would feel just a fraction better than she currently did. 

It had been dumb to try to do this on her own. Fatally flawed in her reasoning to be foolishly determined to stay home and learn how to do this alone. She didn't  _ want _ to do it alone and she certainly didn't  _ want _ Cassian to be at his place when she didn't need him to be. Why couldn't she ever just get over herself and accept his help? Why did she always have to be so damn stubborn? She needed to be better at this. She needed to learn to let him in for once or they would never make it and that thought terrified her more than her wounded pride.

And so she swallows that pride and slips on the shoes that Cassian had had the forethought to purchase at Christmas and heads out into the street to force her body into action rather than stall in commiseration.

Arriving at his apartment, Jyn takes her time climbing the stairs, determined to keep her huffing breaths to the bare minimum as she heads towards his door and rallies her excuses to the tip of her tongue. She lets herself in knowing full and well that he wouldn't mind now, even if he wasn't home, and calls out for Cassian with an annoyed tone.

"Jyn?" He calls back from the kitchen, surprise evident in his voice.

"I need two things: an orgasm and your semen, in no particular order. Can you please meet me in your bedroom and fuck me until those needs are fulfilled? I know I told you I wasn't up for any funny business but I changed my mind." She finishes her sentence and finally manages to get her shoes off her feet to put them in the closet where he would eventually settle them if she didn't do it herself. It’s the sight before her that makes her stomach twist. "Cassian," she pauses, her voice faltering as she opens the closet door. "Why are Kay's perfectly polished shoes in your closet right now? And are those - "

"Hey, Hot Stuff," Han interjects from the living room, Jyn's cheeks heating as she looks up and notices Kay and Chewie watching from the living room table where the surface is filled with cards and a variety of beverages. 

"I'm guessing you all heard that, didn't you?" Jyn says, swallowing around the embarrassment trapped in her throat. Chewie waves slightly and Kay keeps his eyes on his phone, not bothering to even look in her direction either from disinterest or disgust, she wasn’t quite sure.

"Probably should have mentioned they were coming over for cards tonight," Cassian states as he fills a cup with water. If Jyn catches a subtle laugh in his voice she refuses to let it fuel her mood, instead leaning into the gaff and her determination to get laid and get this kid out of her. 

"Maybe," she answers. She looks between all four of the men and then rolls back her shoulders, turning to face Cassian head on as she leaves her shame at the door. "Right, well they already know why I'm here. Shall we get to it? Sex will be both the thing that got me into this mess and out of it, so help me God. Apparently, the internet tells me a good orgasm and something about semen kicks the body into labour and I'm through with waiting so if we hurry, I’m sure they’d wait around for you to come back to the game. "

For all his graces, Cassian sputters and chokes on his water at her words, his hand dropping the cup in the sink as he stands frozen. 

"Is the offer good for anyone?" Han quips then, seizing the opening silence as Chewie's laughter echoes around the room.

"I could check with Leia but I think she'd be pretty territorial... And, more importantly, I feel like you'd only give me the semen part, frankly," Jyn snaps and this manages to crack a smile out of Kay, his eyes finally flickering up towards her and filled with mirth. 

It's only another awkward minute of the group hovering in silence before Cassian eventually snaps his jaw shut and turns towards the living room, a renewed vigour in his expression.

"Up, out, all of you. Game's done for tonight - "

"Did you text her and come up with this ploy yourself because of your losses this evening?" Kay asks evenly, slowly getting to his feet as Cassian urges them to gather their stuff, his hands tossing wallets and miscellaneous items at his friends as he forces them to pack up and head towards the door.

"I'm not at his beck and call," Jyn responds haughtily, trying but failing to keep the smile off her face. 

"I'm at hers, duh," Cassian pauses, shooting her a wide smile. "Now if you don't get out faster, I'm gonna drag you guys out. Don't make me do that."

"We're going, we're going. Keep your pants on - literally," Han jokes as he slides his beat up sneakers on. The others follow and before she realizes it, Cassian has herded their friends out into the hall and he's turning back towards her with a relieved sigh as the door claps shut.

She barely opens her mouth to make a joke and he’s reaching for her, his palms bracketing her cheeks and his lips finding hers in a harsh kiss. He sighs into it, eventually softening his shoulders and resting his forehead against hers as they part. 

“We don’t need to do anything, if you don’t want to,” he murmurs, his fingertips brushing her skin. “I’m just glad to see you.” 

"It’s only been two days! But I will admit I was being stupid trying to stay home and pretend like I don't want you around because that was a fucking lie and we both know it."

"I know, but I wasn't going to point it out. At least you realized it on your own?" He chides and she laughs, holding close.

"I did. But I was being dead serious about the semen thing earlier. Look,” she adds and reaches for her bag to sift through it to find her phone, her attention distracted as he growls and grabs her. Before she understands what’s happening, he’s lifting her into his arms and stalking towards the bedroom without a care for her exclamations. “Cassian!” She screeches as he drops her the last inch onto the bed, his body climbing over hers and his forearms resting next to her head. 

“Tells me to stop and I will. But if you want this - “ 

“I do. Fuck, I do,” she answers on a half-breath, reaching for him as her libido makes a last ditch attempt to spur them into action. 

There's no hesitation after that, both of them stripping down and refusing to part as they kiss and touch and seek each other out. Jyn gives as good as she gets, her hand fisting around him as he rubs circles against her clit. It's painfully easy for her to race towards the edge, falling off it with a strangled gasp as he tugs her ear lobe with his teeth.

"In me," she hisses when her muscles unclench and she's able to twist onto her knees. Cassian shifts up behind her, his hands grazing every inch of exposed skin before settling onto her hips and holding tight. He slides into her without warning and she groans with it, her forehead reaching to rest against the mattress as he revels in the feel of her. 

Hips roll, slow at first, before he steadily begins to pick up the pace. Jyn can't help but try to shift back into him, wanting him deeper with each thrust and desperate to feel him fully. The pleasure ripples through her and she bites her lip as his chest rests against her back, his arm wrapping around her ribs and keeping them pressed together as he stays deep within her to rock his hips into hers. The movement is small but powerful and she can't help the sounds falling from her lips, the soft sighs and surprised gasps when he offers a particularly hard thrust that makes her toes curl. 

"Jyn," he breathes when his pace falters, his lips against her skin.

"Please, Cassian," she manages and he makes a noise that's half cry, half exclamation, before he drops his hand to her belly and picks up his pace.

He comes with a curse, his body tightening above her as she feels him pulse, emptying himself deep within her. When she eventually manages to roll onto her side, he follows with her, his hand dropping back between her legs and picking up the coals from her previous release. The flames quickly return, licking up her insides and she comes with his hand in her hair, her arm wrapped around his shoulders, holding them together as she tries not to dissolve into a million shattered pieces.

"Twice," she grumbles later, after her body has recuperated enough to form words.

"Sorry?"

"I came twice. If that doesn't get things moving, I'm calling the damn doctor and Mon and getting a c-section or this kid will never come out." His snort of laughter puffs a tuft of hair from her brow and he kisses her cheek in response, his arm tightening around her.

"It won't be long now," he states as she tucks herself into his chest. "Are you ready for it? The kid?"

"God no. But I feel like I'm not ready for most things so whatever," she pauses and glances up to him, his eyes sparkling in the low light. "Are you ready? 'Cause I've decided tonight that I feel like you're not going anywhere right now so - "

"Right now? Jyn - "

"No, just - you know what I mean! That's a big step for me okay?"

"Okay," he nods as she forces herself to exhale and keeps her eyes locked on his.

"Are you ready for this to change? For  _ us _ to change?" His brow softens and he runs a thumb over her jaw, pensive for a moment in thought.

"I don't think I'll ever be ready but I will admit we've always been good at improvisation. I like to think I know you like I know myself and so I'm nervous for it - for us - but we've got this. And we've got a bunch of people around us who will pick up the slack and that's pretty reassuring. So yeah, I think I'm ready," he finishes on a half-breath, his touch pausing as he drifts in for a kiss. She returns it whole-heartedly, letting herself fall into him as she leans on his trust and hope. If he could think everything would work out, she could too, right?

"You're such a sap," she whispers when he finally pulls back, his body thoroughly wrapped around hers. 

"At least I'm  _ your _ sap, so you can't judge me for it - ow!" 

"It was a love tap!"

"Sure. Fine. Fine! I see how it is. I give you the orgasms and bodily fluid you demand and that's how you repay me. I get it - "

"Shut up, you know I love you."

"That's right, I do. And you're just gonna have to deal with me loving you right back."

"Sap!"

"Again with the - fine. I'm gonna go to sleep now. I gave you what you came for - literally - and now I need to get my beauty sleep for my interview tomorrow," he adds with laughter shivering through him. Jyn can't stop her smile as she curls in tighter, holding him close while she presses kisses to his chest to smooth out the chaotic energy buzzing around them. 

" _ Duerme bien, mi amor _ ," she whispers uncertainly, her heart racing as he pauses and tries to understand her cobbled sentence. 

" _ Te amo _ ", he returns and dips to kiss her once more, sighing against her lips as he draws back and then settles them together back to front, her head on his arm and his face in her mess of hair. 

Sleep takes her almost immediately and she hopes it's deep enough to give her a bit more rest than she'd received all week trying to sleep on her own.

* * *

She wakes in a blur. Cassian’s lips are on her forehead and his fingers are grazing her cheek, his words soft and beyond her comprehension as he slowly pulls away. She wants to chase after it, after his closeness, but he disappears and sleep comes for her like another wave pulling her under. 

When she comes back to herself again it’s to find the sheets around her wet, her legs sticky and her body aching. There’s a panicked moment where she thinks she’s somehow hurt herself - like maybe she’s bleeding out and she hadn’t realized it - but a quick glance below the sheets reveals no pool of blood or spilling organs and she breathes a sigh of relief. 

The relief only lasts a minute before her back seizes, her organs twisting in her gut and making her curl into herself. Pain riddles through her limbs from her insides and she tries not to cry out, forcing herself to bite the inside of her cheek until it subsides and she can unfurl herself. 

It takes her a few minutes to recover before she’s shamefully climbing out of bed and stripping the covers and the duvet shift, her heart in her throat. Cassian couldn’t come home to her having wet the bed - she’d never live it down. She’d rather die than try to explain this embarrassment to him. And so she grabs all of the sheets and a pair of his ratty clothes and escapes down the hall to the laundry machine. Stuffing the coins in the slot, she tries to get the machine to the right setting but is nearly brought to her knees by the pain returning to her belly. 

She was  _ fucked _ . Was this what she thought it was? Was it happening  _ now _ ? Of all places? 

Clinging to the edge of the washer, Jyn holds on for dear life as the contraction weaves through her body, painfully pulling her insides apart as she tries not to cry out. When it passes, she forces herself to steady and walks back into the apartment to collect her things and find her phone. 

Mon. She needed to call Mon. Right? She needed her birth plan. And her overnight bag. And her -  _ oh fucking stars _ \- she could barely keep herself upright as another wave hits her like a freight train. These were too fast. These were too painful. She’d never get back to her apartment if she had to fall onto the sidewalk every ten minutes and take a breather. 

But she  _ needed _ to. She needed her bag and all of the things Mon had told her to bring to the hospital. Right? Fuck, she didn’t know and her mind was spinning, flying off the handle as she tries to put on her clothes and forces herself to stay upright as she heads into the hallway and down onto the street. 

She makes it part of the way before she’s doubling over again, the shout swallowed and her fingers digging hard enough into a nearby tree to break her nails. How far apart were they? Was it time to go to the hospital? She could still get home if she - no, she couldn’t. The way her knees almost buckle when she tries to stand proves that to her. 

Mon. 

Call Mon. 

The mantra repeats in her head again and again until the pressure passes and she’s able to focus enough to unlock her phone and scroll through her contacts. 

“Call the ambulance, Jyn. I’ll meet you at Memorial, alright? I’m getting ready now,” Mon advises and Jyn tries to agree but can’t past her gulping breaths and buzzing adrenaline. The birthing classes hadn’t been even close to explaining what this would feel like. She would sue. She would take them for every last penny for - 

“Ahhhh,  _ fuck _ !” Jyn curses so loudly she’s sure the people driving in the cars past her can hear. 

There’s a hazy minute where she’s connected through to 911 and she can barely get her thoughts together enough to understand what they’re saying. She keeps the call live as she continues her desperate trek to her building, determined to get there so at least they could find her if she passed out on the sidewalk.

“Ma’am, please confirm your location so that we can send the ambulance - “ 

“I don’t - I’m somewhere between the Carter building and Wainsworth. I can’t - I’m not sure what street this is and I’m trying to get home but - “ 

“Ma’am, if you are in labour and require ambulatory care, I recommend you do not move from your location. We are sending a response vehicle to your approximate location - please wave them down if you see them. I will remain on the line until they have arrived.” 

Jyn nods, as though the woman on the other end can hear her, and struggles a few more feet down the sidewalk. She was nearly on her street, almost at her apartment. Surely if they arrived and she was just outside they would let her get her things, right? She could make it. 

She doesn’t make it. Reaching her corner, Jyn finds a bench for the bus and collapses onto it, her chest aching and her heart pounding and every inch of her body on high alert. There isn’t another contraction but the exhaustion of them prickles at the edge of her mind, hovering over her as she tries to hold it together. When the ambulance eventually turns the corner and comes into sight, the operator on the other end of the line hears the sirens and advises her that they are nearly there. She waves at them anyways, as if they were confused by the plethora of other pregnant women struggling to simply exist on their route. 

“Ms Erso?” The paramedic asks from the window as his partner puts the vehicle in park. He hops down and drags a bag to her side, evaluating her quickly by sight and looking over her state. She’s a mess, frazzled and sweaty and a bit chaotic but he’s there and his partner - an amazon woman she’s sure - is already pulling the stretcher out of the back and dragging it over to join them. “Tell me what’s going on, when’s your due date?” 

“A few days ago. I woke up today and I think my water broke and I needed to get back to my place to get my stuff but - “ 

“Yes, we can see. How far apart are the contractions? Do you know?” She shakes her head and tries to hold it together, letting herself be poked and prodded as she’s hooked up to machines and her heart rate starts beeping incessantly on the machine. “Alright - these numbers are pretty high so regardless of how far apart the contractions are, we’re going to recommend you come with us to be checked out. Are you ready?” 

“But my bag - “ 

“The hospital will have everything you need. On the ride over, why don’t you call someone and they can bring your things. Okay?” She nods because what else can she do? She has to go and she needs to go now. 

They load her into the back of the ambulance and click the safety belts around her. It's only after they've pulled away from the curb that another contraction hits and she grinds her teeth in response, her eyes closed tight.

"Was that another one?" The woman asks, watching the monitor spike as Jyn tries to force herself to calm.

"I think so," she answers and the woman nods, noting it and the time down on her chart.

"Okay. When the next one comes, I need you to tell me or your nurse. No trying to fight it - alright?" Jyn nods. "Good. Now why don't we call someone to get your stuff and meet you at the hospital?"

Jyn's mind blanks as she tries to figure out who to call. She'd already talked to Mon. Cassian was in his interview and she wouldn't dare bother him there - he needed this job more than she needed him to get her bag. Bodhi and Luke were out of town with Leia and Han at a Skywalker family thing and the others all didn't have keys to her place. She could call Baze and Chirrut, but what could they do? Sit uncomfortably in the waiting room? That was unnecessary.

Scott. She needed to call Scott. He would get her stuff and while he'd hesitated on seeing any of the birth, he _ had _ wanted to be there when this kid was born. He would do this for her, right? 

"Scott?" She holds her voice steady as he picks up on the other end.

"Are those - Jyn, are you in a cop car? Did you get _ arrested _ ?" He urges and Jyn could nearly laugh, her head shaking.

"No. I'm on my way to Memorial - "

"In an ambulance? What the hell? Give the phone to Cassian - "

"He's not here - "

"Not there? What the fuck Jyn? Where the fuck is he? Why isn't he with you - he said he would - "

"He's at a job interview, Scott! Calm do-owww!" Her body clenches and the paramedic notes the time on her chart, her brow furrowed and making Jyn worry. "Are they too fast?" She manages when the pain subsides.

"Are what too - " Scott stutters and Jyn hushes him, her attention shifting to the paramedic.

"No, I don’t think so, but we're gonna get you to the hospital as soon as we can so they can monitor you properly. Don't worry Ms Erso."

"What's she saying? We're in the car - "

"No, Scott, I need you to go to my apartment and get my bag. Can you do that?" She asks and Scott agrees, the engine turning over in the background. "Good. I need to go though - I gotta message Cassian so he doesn't lose it when he gets home and I'm not there."

"Yeah, we can swing by and get him too. I'll text him. Just go take care of this, okay?" Scott adds quickly. Jyn smiles and nods, closing her eyes and saying a small thanks for him coming around to the idea of this kid.

"I'll see you," she says and ends the call just as the ambulance pulls up to the emergency entrance. 

_ Can you please text Scott when you get this? _ \- Jyn, 10:02am

She stuffs her dying phone in her bra and tries to keep the contractions at bay as she's rolled into the ER. She's given a room just as Mon arrives, the woman's calm manner spreading through the space like a soothing blanket being pulled over her.

"How are you doing?" She asks, coming up to the bedside and grabbing her hand. 

"Not super comfortable right now," Jyn manages and Mon smiles, squeezing her hand. 

"Understandable. It's probably not going to get much better for the next little while," she admits as Jyn laughs. 

"Obviously. Scott went to get my stuff though so maybe that will help."

"It might. Let's get you settled in and talk with the doctors. Is Cassian in the waiting room?" Jyn shakes her head and Mon cocks her eyebrow. "Did something happen that - "

"No! No. I didn't want him to miss an interview he had just for this. I'll be -  _ fuck _ !" The spasm rolls up her back and she squirms, trying not to cry out as she holds the pain in. She's just coming out of the feeling when the nurse arrives, hospital gown in hand and a friendly smile on her face.

"I see we're settling in," she greets brightly. "I'm Maria, I'll be helping you get ready and start your monitoring. Is this your mother?" She asks quickly, all the while busily moving around the room and checking charts and supplies. Jyn snorts and shakes her head, settling into the bed as the women around her busy themselves with getting her fully setup. 

The two hours pass by in a blur, her contractions staying steady as Mon monitors her vitals and runs interference between her and the nurse whenever possible. Jyn does her best to remain positive but her exhaustion starts to crowd in on hour two when still her bag and, more importantly, Cassian, are still missing. Where was  _ Scott  _ and why hadn’t he shown up yet? Now was not the time for him to pull one of his stunts. 

"You sure you don't want the epidural?" Mon asks after the latest twist of her organs. 

"Yes. No. I don't know," she grumbles and Mon sighs, looking at her with a frown.

"You put it in your plan so I'm just checking in."

"I know. I'm just tired and I wanted Cassian here before I did it because I thought - never mind. Does this really take forever? Can't we just, rush it along with some other drugs?" Mon laughs, shaking her head.

"You did the classes Jyn. You don't need me to answer that. Can I check anything else for you? Or get some ice chips or something?"

"Have you heard anything from Scott? Or Cassian? They should have been here by now," Jyn asks. Mon reaches for her phone and opens the screen, shaking her head when she sees no updates. "Where are they? Can you find a charger for my phone? Maybe they didn’t think to message you? I had one in my bag but Scott hasn't come yet."

"Yes - that I can do. I'll be back," she says, getting to her feet and taking Jyn's phone with her as she heads out of the room. 

Mon is gone for almost half an hour and Jyn paces her room as she spends the time trying not to focus on the fact that she was going through this alone. Even with Mon here it wasn't what she'd expected. Scott was supposed to be here, Cassian… Cassian was supposed to have come with her. He'd said he wanted to be here for her. That he'd wanted to be by her side through it all and he _ still _ wasn't here. She didn't understand. Had it all been a lie? Was he actually freaking out and bailing? It didn't make sense and these damn contractions were only adding to her stress and making her panic start to boil underneath her skin.

"Jyn," Mon says as she comes back into the room just as another contraction subsides. They were getting closer together and it worried her and she didn't want it to but it did. "You have a couple missed calls and some texts but I can't unlock your phone. Here."

"What?" Jyn counters, taking the device and opening the screen. The missed messages are from Bodhi, Leia and Cassian, all at varying levels of confusion and concern. The voice messages do little to help ease her fears.

"So, I left this morning and both you and my sheets were in my room… Where are you? Call me," Cassian's voice is upbeat, a hint of laughter in his tone. The next message isn't as bright, the concern beginning to edge in. "Hey - still no word and I can't get through to you because your phone is off. Tried Bodhi and he hasn't heard from you either. Hoping you get this and call me back." Jyn clenches her teeth as the message ends and the final one comes through. "Can't reach Scott either. I'm coming over to your place. I'm worried about you, Jyn. Please call me back."

She swallows and looks up at Mon, her brow furrowed. Where was Scott? Why hadn't he talked to Cassian? What the fuck was going on?

"I need to call Cassian and Scott. Can you give me a minute?" Mon nods and steps into the hall as Jyn dials Scott's number first. She needed to get her anger out before she talked to Cassian. She needed to understand what was going on but after the initial ring the phone goes straight to voicemail. "Where are you? Cassian is flipping out. You were supposed to call him!"

She hangs up and checks the battery - it was almost dead again. She needed to make this quick before another contraction set in. The phone rings once, twice, before the line is picked up.

"Jyn? Where are you?" Cassian asks tightly, concern flooding his voice and making her inwardly ache.

"I'm at the hospital! Where are  _ you _ ? Where is Scott?" She responds, breathless and trying to stave off the pressure building in her back.

"You're at the - fuck - Jyn, is it time? Why didn't you call me? I'm on my way - "

"Scott was supposed to talk to you because my phone was dying! He was supposed to get my bag too and meet you to bring you. He didn't call you?" Worry edges into her mind then and Cassian sighs, taking a breath to pause. 

“I don’t see any calls from him in my phone log. Whatever - it doesn’t matter. You need your bag, right? I’ll go get it and then - “ 

“No - please just come here. I can’t do this alone, Cassian. Please,” she whispers desperately, her voice pained as it ripples and her body tightens. The contraction rolls through her and she sobs into the phone, barely able to answer Cassian’s concerned questions as he hears her pant through the device. 

“Jyn? Tell me - “ The line drops and her phone beeps before the screen goes blank, the battery dying on her as she clutches to the plastic. 

“Mon!” She calls when the pain begins to subside, her teeth grit and her heart in her throat. The woman returns to the room with a soothing smile and eases up beside her, a palm gently brushing the bangs from her face. 

“You’re doing just fine, Jyn. I know it hurts, but you’re doing great,” she murmurs, brushing the damp strands of hair out of Jyn’s eyes. Leaning into her touch, Jyn tries to focus on what she’s saying, her hands gripping the end of the bed and her throat tight with eyes clenched shut. “Did you get through to him?” 

“Cassian is coming. Scott has fucked off somewhere and turned his phone off. I’m trying not to think about it or I’ll crawl out of this hospital and fucking end him,” she groans and flops back on the mattress, working hard not to grumble when the nurse appears for her next check-up. 

Time seems to slow as she listens to the monitors beep and struggles to fight her way through contraction after contraction. She counts seven of them before Mon gets up and takes it upon herself to go down to the reception area and check whether Cassian has arrived or not. 

“Alright, Jyn, things are moving along quite nicely. A bit of a speedy labour but I’m sure that’s good news for you - less waiting in the end! Would you like the epidural? I can get the request running and - “ 

“I need to  _ wait _ ,” Jyn growls, teeth clenched as the nurse nods good naturedly. Why wasn’t she as frustrated with this process as Jyn was? Why did nothing frazzle her?

“Not a worry. Shall I get you anything?” Her perky voice grates on Jyn’s final nerve and she looks over at the woman, her jaw set. 

“Unless you can magically make my partner and this kid’s stupid father appear, then no, there’s nothing I need right now.” 

“Right. Well, I’ll be back in shortly to check where you’re at. Continue to move around, maybe sit on the ball again if you’d like. It’s good to keep those muscles active because it distracts from the discomfort - “ 

“Discomfort? Is that what having my organs pushed out of me is supposed to feel like?” 

“Ha, I guess you’re right. Sorry about that. But good news - it’s probably only a few more hours if you keep going at this pace!” She adds brightly and then leaves the room, taking her cheery self down the hall to another, likely more tolerant, patient. 

Annoyed, worried, Jyn busies herself by forcing her body upward and towards the door, determined to take a walk to the nurses station and back before she’s forced into that bed for the next round. For all the pestering the nurse was doing, Jyn couldn’t begrudge her for the advice the woman was giving her. Movement felt better than sitting and walking felt better than standing. She could do this. She could if she just kept moving. 

Halfway back to her room, Jyn is caught off guard by the sound of her name echoing down the hall. She picks up her pace and reaches the corner to find Cassian standing panicked in the hallway, looking around himself wildly - or as ‘wildly’ as the unflappable man could get. 

“Where have you been?” Jyn scolds from afar, leaning on the wall as she tries not to buckle under another contraction. “It’s been  _ hours _ !” 

“You didn’t say what hospital!” He counters and runs towards her, his arm wrapping around her waist to keep her upright as the pressure sizzles through her. “I was already almost at your apartment when you called and when I realized I didn’t know where I was going I had to call Chirrut and Baze to get Mon’s number but they were on the longest phone call ever - “ 

“We were discussing our mortgage, Little Sister,” Baze assures, stepping out of her room as Chirrut comes to join him. “We weren’t aware it was such a chaotic occasion until this one showed up at our door.” 

“I tried to get here as quick as I could, I swear,” Cassian urges and Jyn looks between them, her nerves settling now that she had someone familiar to face this with. Mon was great but she still wasn’t family. Not like the rest of them. 

“It’s okay - you’re here now,” Jyn sighs and makes her way back into her room with Cassian barely leaving her side. She moves to settle on the recliner as the trio join her in the room, effectively filling the small space. Cassian kneels down before her and reaches his hand to her cheek, his gaze drifting over her quickly before he moves forward and steals a kiss. 

“Now that I’m here, why don’t you tell me what the hell happened today?” He questions and Jyn smiles, ducking her head to look away. 

“I guess the stuff from yesterday… It worked? Because my waters broke after you left and I thought I could get your sheets washed before I had to go anywhere but the contractions were too close together. I tried to go home and get my stuff but I didn’t make it before the ambulance picked me up. I called Scott because you were in your interview and he promised me he’d call you so I have no idea where he went or what the hell happened. Have you heard from him? Have you told the others you found me? My phone - “ 

“Oh! Yes. I got your stuff. I don’t think Scott made it to your place because your bag was still there. I messaged Leia and she’s finding Bodhi and Luke. Han wished you godspeed. Still nothing from Scott but I left him a few voicemails so hopefully he’ll get them and stop fucking around,” he adds and Jyn shakes her head, leaning forward to rest her forehead against his for a second. She needed this. She needed his calm rationality, his methodical approach to this whole thing. 

“Thank you, Cassian. For being here even when it’s not your fault,” she murmurs, her hand squeezing around his. Cassian snorts and shifts back, reaching his hands up to bracket her face. 

“This isn’t a mistake or a problem where someone is at fault, Jyn. It’s life and you’re having this kid. It’s good, remember?” She nods and he ducks forward to press a kiss to her temple, her cheek, before she sighs into his mouth. 

“I love you,” she whispers and like any good timing she seems to experience, his reply is cut short by her body suffering through another contraction. Cursing, she nearly breaks his fingers as he holds tight to her, his eyes worried as he watches her jaw clench and her head duck. “It’s - fine,” she manages to grit out. 

“Sounds painful,” Chirrut quips and Jyn chokes on a half-laugh, glancing up to see the man leaning heavily against his partner. 

“We'll go find Kay and have him take us home now. Call us when there’s word, alright?” Baze instructs and Cassian agrees, his attention fully trained on the woman before him as she slumps forward with the end of the muscle spasms. 

By the time Mon returns, Cassian has already convinced Jyn to climb onto the bed with him, her butt between his thighs as he massages her lower back and she leans forward to try to stretch out the last of the pain from her most recent bout. They were getting closer together and where before she’d lost track, Cassian was already keeping the timing in his head as she tried to relax into his touch. 

“Oh good, you found him!” Mon says with a relieved tone, her hands clasping together. “I went to the different reception areas and the ER. No sign of Scott. Have either of you heard from him?” They shake their heads and Jyn sighs, leaning back into Cassian’s chest as she decides to put the man out of her mind. 

“It doesn’t matter. If he wants to miss it then fuck him - “ 

“Jyn - “ 

"No, seriously. You’re both here. I’m not dying. Everything is fine. I can figure this out later but right now there’s nothing I can do to make him - “ 

“Jyn!” She hears her voice being called, her heart dropping into her stomach as Scott swings around the corner and comes barrelling into her room. “I am  _ so _ sorry! She stole my phone and took off in my car when I was at your place. She took my damn keys and left and I was trying to find her and get my car back but - “ 

"Just stop lying, Scott, for once," Jyn grumbles as Cassian presses his palm to her spine, the move calming her racing pulse.

"I'm not! I went up to your apartment but I forgot your keys in the car and when I went back down she'd taken off with my car and my phone was in it. I had to run all the way back to my apartment and she was there in the damn shower. I swear to god, I didn't mean to take this long! I'm sorry!" He finishes and Jyn looks him over appraisingly, debating whether to believe him. His sweaty brow, flushed cheeks and wide eyes all seem honest enough but it's Cassian's chin on her shoulder - supportive, steady, calming - that helps her make up her mind.

"It's fine. You're here now and that's what counts. The nurse says I probably have another few hours before it's time to get this thing out, so why don't you go get cleaned up?" He nods and heads out into the hall, his hands on his hips as she exhales the last of her anger from her chest.

"I thought for a second you were going to skewer him," Cassian murmurs, chin still tucked into her shoulder as Mon tries to hide her smile behind her hand.

"If my contractions were any closer together I just might have. But I'm too tired to fight him and he's here now so that's what matters. Right?"

"Pregnancy has softened you," he chides and Jyn shakes her head, elbowing his gut gently. "Alright, alright, I'll stop. Mon, what can you tell me about what's next? I feel like I need a refresher course."

The next few hours pass and Jyn grows more weary, more tired, as she tries to keep her head about her. She turns down an epidural three more times before Kay shows up to drop off some of Cassian's stuff, the man not missing the opportunity to point out the flaws in her logic. He hovers in the doorway while Cassian gets her more ice chips and Scott makes a call, his face stoic but thoughtful.

"We are already aware of your toughness, Jyn Erso. The only person you're continuing to try to prove something to is yourself. You are far more capable than any woman I've ever met so I have to wonder why that same woman is trying to fight through the pain rather than taking the easily accessible medication that will help her retain energy for the actual birth. Perhaps, I wonder, when I assisted your course correction regarding Scott earlier this year, I possibly encouraged you to turn too fully into facing your challenges head on," he adds evenly and Jyn scowls, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Fine then. Go get me my nurse. See if I'm still trying to prove something!" She counters and if she sees Kay smile slightly as he walks away, she determinedly ignores it.

Half an hour later the epidural is done and she's able to finally relax a bit, the drug running through her system and giving her some semblance of relief. 

Two hours later and Scott is asleep in the waiting room as her nurse tells her she's entering the final stages. It isn't long before her body turns against her, the pain echoing deeper and her mind frazzling as Cassian tries to center her to the earth. Her body shakes and sweat coats her skin as she fights the anxiety rolling through her, breathing through the pain as she tries not to push like she's told. It doesn't help that it's all starting to freak her out - the birth and the kid and everything changing so quickly.

"I'm not ready," she whispers hoarsely, Cassian's hand brushing her hair from her face as the doctor checks her measurements. Beside her, Mon rubs a hand up her arm, hovering at the end of the bed and talking quietly with the doctor.

"You're doing so good. You're going to be such an amazing mother." He pauses as the doctor reaches for a tool, his attention drawn to the end of the bed before he turns back towards her. "I'm so proud of you for everything you've done already Jyn, I'm so excited for you and this kid. You're ready for this, I swear."

"She is. And she should be ready to start pushing in a few minutes. Would you like me to get Scott for the birth?" Mon offers and Jyn shakes her head, clinging to Cassian's hand.

"No. He didn't want to be here in the room for the birth. Just Cassian. Please," Jyn answers and Mon nods, her approving look at the two missed by everyone in the room.

The nurses ready the room and before she understands what's really happening she's being told to push as the contractions come on, her whole body tensing with the effort. Time disappears and she doesn't know how long it takes, her mind focused solely on the commands from her doctor, from Mon. All the while beside her Cassian holds her hand, talking in soothing tones except when she's almost ready to give up, her whole being too tired to continue before he challenges her to keep going.

"You're almost there,  _ querida _ ," he urges, leaning in closer as Mon directs him to take hold of her thigh and keep her in her delivery position. The intensity of the move changes and she sobs against him, her body pushing and pushing and pushing until the doctor tells her to pause.

"We're going to let it stretch just a moment and then we'll continue with the head. Are you ready to meet your baby?" The doctor asks brightly.

"No," she gasps and Cassian laughs, shaking his head as he bends down to kiss her.

"Yes, you are," he murmurs and when she meets his eyes again she knows he's right, once again calling her bluff like he always did. Stars, she loved him. 

She remembers the whole thing hurting. The exhaustion and the pain and the pure adrenalin running through her veins. All of it would stick with her forever if not for that singular moment when her daughter is placed in her arms. 

A girl. 

She has a baby girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S HERE! Please tell me your thoughts. Was it worth the wait???? Sorry it was late, work has been bonkers.


	24. Chapter 24

The first day is the hardest. Her body hurts and the nurse is too peppy and she’s tired -  _ oh god is she tired _ . They let her stay the night because it’s late and she’s exhausted and somewhere along the way Mon admitted to telling the nurse that she lived alone and so they’ve taken pity on her, she figures. The bill will be astronomical but she doesn’t care. All she wants is to curl up on the mattress and hold her daughter and maybe let Cassian curl up with her when he gets back. 

She falls asleep before he returns from calling everyone. 

When she wakes up, her daughter is gone from her chest and she feels the panic churn, her eyes snapping open as she looks desperately around the room. Had they taken her? Had Mon’s truths meant social services had come? Had - 

Jyn catches movement out of her periphery and she twists to see Cassian’s frame hovering near the door, his tone soft as he whispers and rocks back and forth on his feet. 

“It’s too late for you to plead insanity,” she murmurs, the light shifting around him as he turns to her, his face hidden in the shadows. The bundle of blankets they wrapped her daughter in are tucked into his shoulder and Jyn feels herself settle, the familiar safety she always felt with Cassian now extending to her child as well. 

“She was fussy and you looked so peaceful, I didn’t want to wake you,” he answers softly, slowly drifting from the darkness and making his way back to her bedside as she sits up. “How are you feeling?” 

“Like I’ve emptied my guts out of my vagina,” she replies bluntly as he stifles a laugh. The sound of her voice must trigger something because it’s then that the child cries, its misery insistent and pressing on Jyn’s already frazzled nerves. Cassian lifts the budle from his shoulder and eases the baby back into Jyn’s arms, his body hovering close to the edge of the bed. “I don’t know what to do with her,” Jyn says as she holds the child close, a ripple of panic fluttering in her chest.

“Don’t freak out, you’ve got this, alright?” He whispers, his hand brushing the hair back from her brow as she watches the bundle squirm and flail. His words give her strength and somehow, she relaxes into his touch. 

“Do you want to sit with me?” Her voice sounds foreign to her ears, all quiet hope and vulnerability tucked in the edges as she glances up at him. 

“You sure? I can - “ 

“Cassian, join me on the bed please. I’m too tired and I want you to just hold me for a little, okay?” 

She doesn’t have to ask twice. In seconds he’s crawled up beside her and lifted his arm around her shoulders, his heat permeating her thin robe. In the comfort of his arms, Jyn pulls open her shirt and lifts her daughter to her breast, nervous and hesitant on getting the girl to latch this time around. It hadn’t worked before and the rejection had nearly crushed her, though she held a stiff upper lip about it. This time though, with Cassian at her side and her body relaxed, the feeding is so easy she can’t believe she’d worried about it for hours not long ago. 

“How was everyone when you talked to them?” Jyn asks after a long moment, turning to look up at Cassian’s face when he’s still quiet. The sight that meets her makes her insides twist, his expression so loving and gentle that she can’t quite believe it. The tears in his eyes are surely too much, she thinks, as his gaze stays locked on hers. “What?” 

“You’re just… You’re going to be such a good mom. And I’m - I can’t believe - I am just so lucky to be beside you for it, you know?” Her heart clenches and she tries to hide a watery smile, leaning more fully into his side because she needed her actions to speak louder than her words in that moment. 

“I still don’t know what to name her,” Jyn says eventually as she switches sides, the baby taking the new breast easily. 

“You were down to a few last time we talked about it,” he replies noncommittally, his fingers shifting through her hair. 

“I know. But none of them seem right now that I have her. I have another name… Alula. I don’t even know where I saw it but I remember it was first something. First flight or first born or whatever. And I feel like that’s a good name? Is it always this weird getting to name someone? Like what if her name doesn’t suit her in a month? A year? Isn’t - “ 

“Alula is a beautiful name, Jyn. If you feel that it’s right, then it’s right. Will you still keep Lyra, for her middle name? It kind of rolls off the tongue - “ he repeats it a few times just to test, causing Jyn to sigh and drag her thumb across the girl’s nose. 

“Then Alula it is. Alula Lyra Erso. Welcome to the world.” 

* * *

Coming home from the hospital is the second hardest. Kay drops her off with her bag and the car seat and she shakes her head when Cassian moves to get out to join her. 

“I need to do this on my own,” she says evenly, despite the way her body is shaking from stress or nerves or just plain exhaustion. 

“You don’t have to,” Cassian answers, though he stays in the car as he looks her over, evaluating. 

“I have to try. I need to know I can do it. Just in case.” He doesn’t roll his eyes and Jyn is thankful for that, loosening her grip on the car seat. 

“Again, Jyn, you need to prove nothing to us,” Kay pipes in, leaning forward to look past Cassian’s head. Jyn nods and shrugs, stepping back another foot. 

“I know. But I need to prove it to myself. I’ll call you if I need anything, alright?” She adds and Cassian nods while Kay swirls his hand in the air, dismissing the insanity she’s sure he’s assuming she has. Picking up her bag and hoisting the car seat closer, Jyn turns on her heel and heads into her building and up to her apartment. 

The afternoon quickly turns to evening and though Alula naps, there are moments when she wakes where Jyn isn’t sure exactly what to do with her. By the time night hits, she is absolutely at her wits end with the crying and the diapers and her body still sore from giving birth. 

She almost texts Cassian. She almost calls everyone in her cell phone - Bodhi or Leia or hell, even Han. But then she remembers what she was doing this for. She remembers that she needed to be sure, just in case, that she could raise this child alright on her own. 

It's that thought that bolsters her, giving her the strength to troubleshoot with feedings and diapers and getting the room temperature just right so that they both fall asleep eventually.

By the time morning comes, Jyn is tired, yes, but she's also flying high on confidence. She can do this. They'll be alright, even if everything falls apart, because they have each other and that's enough for her to finally give in and open herself to help from her friends.

* * *

The morning of their graduation, Cassian fixes her kitchen sink and moves a bag of his stuff into her apartment. He says it's not the same as moving in but they both know it's skirting a lie - he's stayed over in her apartment nearly every night after coming home from the hospital, returning home only to get ready for work and make sure the place was still standing. 

They tell their friends they're not living together but every time Kay shows up in her kitchen instead of Cassian's their argument gets weaker.

"Neither of you are dressed appropriately for today's events," Kay greets as Cassian swings open the front door to let the man in. "You do realize photos are taken during this event, do you not?"

"We know, Kay. Alula had a restless night and Jyn has been trying to get her to have a nap before we go," Cassian explains quickly, heading back towards the bedroom.

"And your excuse would be? If you were not rearing the child, I would expect you to at least have some sense of presentation," Kay continues his harassment, easing himself down the hall before stepping into the den and taking the clothing and diapers from Jyn's hands before urging her out of the room. Jyn watches with surprise as the man proceeds to expertly change the diaper before dressing her daughter for the ceremony in an outfit gifted to her by Leia. "I did not take over parental duties for you to stand there and observe, Jyn. Please proceed to get ready so we're not late," Kay commands and Jyn hides her smile as she ducks into the bedroom and grabs the black dress Cassian has laid out for her.

They arrive at the ceremony with just barely enough time to hand Alula over to Baze and Chirrut before they're due at the gown area where they're segregated into their programs and Cassian is pulled away to stand with his fellow masters students. 

For all the suffering she went through for this moment, she's certain it hasn't been enough with how quickly the whole ceremony goes. One minute she's seated as a lone woman among men in her program, clapping and hollering as Cassian takes the stage, the next she's grabbing her degree, shaking a bunch of old men's hands and being led outside to where the crowds are already starting to gather for the post-ceremony photo frenzy.

Beelining her way towards where her family stands, Jyn watches as Cassian heads off in the other direction - seeking something determinedly - before bending over the stroller and reaching down to pull her daughter out, unwilling to be parted from her a moment longer.

"Was she good?" She asks, turning to Chirrut who smiles warmly towards her.

"Seeing as she can not yet fully support her own head, there's very little mischief she can get into, despite being your offspring," he answers brightly. Jyn shakes her head and brushes a kiss over Alula's forehead, nuzzling into her baby fresh skin and patting down the ‘ _ Chingados _ ’ onesie.

"Good. I couldn't hear a peep out of her for the whole ceremony. Guess you and me both got a good nap in, eh kid?" She whispers as Alula warbles. The sound makes her heart flop, the world around them dimming just slightly as her attention focuses in on her daughter.

"Damn Erso, I thought for sure this whole thing was some surrogate situation you'd cooked up for some cash. Don't tell me you're actually keeping it?" One of the boys from her class jokes, coming up to them and hovering next to Baze. Jyn gives him a withering look and opens her mouth to bark a reply when she's cut short.

"Get the fuck out of here, asshole," Shara interjects, coming up behind him and grabbing him sharply by the ear. Beside her, Kes watches with a satisfied smile before he wraps his arm around his girlfriend's waist.

"I love watching her do shit like that," Kes mumbles before pressing a kiss to Shara's crown. 

"Thanks. I didn't want to put her down long enough to punch him myself," Jyn adds. Shara waves her hand in dismissal and sidles up to her, leaning in to make funny faces in trade for one of Alula's tiny smiles. "Where did Cassian head off to?"

"Didn't say," Baze shrugs, leaning back on his heels. 

Jyn turns her attention back to her daughter and gets lost in it for another few moments, playing with Shara before Bodhi and Luke join the group. It isn't long until Bodhi is taking Alula from her arms, stealing her and fawning over her as Jyn turns to catch Cassian's eye as he wanders back to them.

"What's up?" She asks, gaze locked on his. He pulls his arm from behind his back, revealing a handful of flowers. "Cassian - "

"For staying," he says quietly. His expression softens and Jyn has to clench her teeth to keep the tears at bay as she accepts the bouquet and lunges towards him to steal a hard kiss.

"This kid has turned you into a softie," Han breaks in and Jyn pulls away, punching his shoulder and causing him to step back into Leia who pushes him forward again. Kay chuckles off to the side, an approving look shot her way from his place near Kes.

"You deserved that one. Don't count on me to protect you," she quips and Han scoffs.

"Okay. We're mostly all here. Can we get started with the pictures? I'm not sure how long she's gonna last," Jyn calls to everyone, sparing one last glance around for Scott. Everyone else who was going to be here was already here, it was just Scott who was once again missing. She was slowly getting used to it. 

"Sure. Why don't we do the group shot and then we'll cycle through individual shots after?" Leia suggests and everyone gathers together. They grab a wayward student and assign them as photographer before assembling.

When group photos wrap up, Jyn and Alula are pulled into nearly everyone's photos. Cassian stays rooted to the spot as her appointed photographer, guiding everyone through the motions as quickly as he can.

After almost half an hour, the rotation has stalled and only Cassian and her photos together remain to be shot. Jyn sends him an exhausted look and he softly grins back, promising to be quick. They take three shots in their graduation garb, one smiling into the camera with Alula between them, one holding their degrees, and one with Cassian wrapped tightly around her, his hands in her hair and her spine curved backwards. She was thankful Bodhi had taken Alula then, the kiss so passionate that she'd almost forgot they were in public as he'd pulled back with a wide smile.

When she stands back upright, her cheeks flushed and her hands busily resetting her robe, she catches sight of Scott off to the side sharing a kiss with a girl.

Ah. So this was the girlfriend he'd alluded to. 

"Look," Jyn whispers when Cassian finishes fixing his clothing, his attention turning towards the couple. Jyn watches as his eyes narrow, his shoulders rolling back as the woman leans back in Scott's arms.

"Is that - "

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Jyn seethes, again grateful that Alula was in someone else's arms. 

"Jyn - " Cassian's voice follows her as she takes one step, then two, before she's stalking towards Scott and trying to force herself not to lose her damn mind. Behind her, Cassian scrambles up after her and grabs her arm, slowing her pace. "Don't - "

"I'm going to kill her," Jyn hisses as he rounds in front of her and grabs her shoulders. 

"Don't do that. At least nothing that will get you arrested, okay? You can't afford to go to jail with your interview tomorrow - "

"I already put you on the paperwork to take care of Alula if I do - "

" _ Jyn _ ," Cassian sighs and leans in to hold her cheeks in his palms. "I love you. I've got your back. Just be smart."

"I'm always smart. Now let me do this," she finishes and steps around him, moving quickly the rest of the way towards Scott and the woman who had been the bane of Jyn's existence for months.

"Jyn! Congratulations!" Scott greets, turning to meet her as she looks at the woman with a harsh stare. "I figured it was time I introduce you to my girlfriend - "

"Carla. Yes, we've already met."

"Really? What a crazy small world. Carla, why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't - " Carla starts and then stops, flushing either from anger or embarrassment Jyn doesn't know. "I didn't realize it was  _ her _ ."

"What do you mean,  _ her _ ?" Scott counters carefully, confusion filling his features.

"She's the one who got me kicked out of residence," Jyn breaks in. "Did she tell you that? Or did she just play dumb when you talked about your ex having your kid?" Jyn snarls, arms crossing over her chest. Cassian, for all his steadfastness, rests his hand on her lower back to give her strength. She tries not to focus on the fact that his fingers grip tightly to the fabric for fear that she'll take the other woman out.

"What? You're kidding me, right?" He replies and Carla glances up at him with a wounded look.

"Fine. I did eventually put two and two together, but that was only after we started going out. And I'm not responsible for her eviction - she did it to herself! I was just doing my job. Besides, I didn't know she was knocked up until - "

"You didn't think I needed to know that you were the RA that was getting the mother of my child thrown out into the street?" He asks, flabbergasted. Carla pales and looks between them, internal wheels spinning to try to find a way out.

"You should understand where I'm coming from - of course she got herself kicked out. She's reckless and rude and look at her! She got herself pregnant to trap you!" Carla bursts as Jyn takes a step forward and Cassian's hand tugs her back. Scott shoots her a warning look before disengaging from Carla's arms.

"She didn't try to trap me, obviously. We broke up because she loved this guy! And she didn't get pregnant by herself, so you can lay that slut-shaming shit on us both. And finally, Carla, Jesus - you kicked a pregnant woman out of her home? For what? Power? Quiet? A - "

"For you!" Carla shouts, pointing her finger into Scott's chest. "I did it for you. So she'd leave you alone and you could get on with your life without her always coming after you and your money. I saw how she always had this asshole over, even when you were the one providing for her and I - "

"You don't fucking know anything, I swear to god," Jyn darts forward and before Cassian can grab her she's reaching for the woman's hair and tugging her head to the side in a control-granting move. "You stole his car. You made him late to his own kid's birth. You're making up these stories about me to justify why  _ you're _ the monster and I can't even - "

"Jyn! Leave it," Cassian urges, wrapping an arm around her waist and reaching up to unclench her fist from Carla's hair. "She's not worth it."

"Says the cuck," Carla spits and Jyn snaps, fighting against Cassian's hold as she's physically dragged away from within striking range. 

"Are you kidding me? Not only is that the reverse of reality, that's practically my kid's second father and you're calling him a cuck like some racist incel? What the fuck is wrong with you? It's time for you to go. You can come get your stuff from my place tomorrow at five. We're done!" Scott states, stepping between them to talk directly to Carla as his hands wave widely. 

"But I have nowhere to go! Where am I supposed to stay?" She pleads, fingers clutching the hair that Jyn had torn loose from her braid. Onlookers watch as she starts to cry, Scott barely letting a second slip by before he skewers her again.

"Feels good, doesn't it?" He growls and Jyn feels a spark of satisfaction at the turn of fortune for the cruel woman. Now she'd know what it felt like to struggle, even if it was just for the night, and that was a big enough justice for Jyn.

Cassian finally let's her go once they're far enough away that they can't hear the hushed conversation between Scott and Carla. Only then does Cassian pull her close into his arms, his lips brushing against her brow.

"I'm fine," she grumbles as he sighs against her.

"I know, but I'm not. I've never wanted to hit someone as much as I do right now," he whispers. Jyn understands instantly, wrapping herself around him and pressing her lips to his collar.

"Thank you for being better than me," she murmurs. Cassian chuckles and tucks his face against her.

"It was satisfying to see you get _ some _ justice," he adds.

"It really was, Mama," Bodhi greets, breaking into their moment and dragging them back to the reality of the very public, very photo-heavy environment. "Perhaps we should get out of here. Alula-girl is getting fussy too - "

"She is?" Cassian answers, turning to the man with a concerned look. " _ Mijita _ ,  _ ¿qué hay? _ ''

Jyn watches with a loving gaze as Cassian reaches for her daughter and brings her in against his chest. He coos over Alula, his quiet Spanish whispers making her fussy mood turn sweet once again in the way that only he seemed to be able to. 

"What was all that? I thought we'd be bailing you out this afternoon," Bodhi asks, throwing his arm around her shoulders and leading her back towards the others. 

"Oh, just Scott and his questionable decisions. I'll text him later once he's sorted it out," she answers easily. Bodhi sighs and opens his mouth to say something but Jyn cuts him off. "It's not my problem, he'll fix it and we'll work it out. Now, shouldn't we be getting these damn robes back to the rental area? I'm getting sweaty and I want my cleaning deposit back."

* * *

Scott appears later that afternoon at Chirrut and Baze's house where the group has gathered for a post-graduation party. Jyn is busy feeding Alula when he walks in, his hands held up in surrender.

"I didn't know. I'm sorry, I didn't know she was that crazy," he says quickly, expression remorseful.

"It's fine. Just don't bring her back around me and we'll be fine," Jyn responds, turning her attention back to closing her shirt and handing Alula up to him so she can clean up.

"Really? You're over it that quick?" She snorts and looks up at him.

"Of course I am. I’m tired and to be honest, she is so low on my priority list - Scott, I just want you to be part of Alula's life. All I ask is that the people you bring into it aren't monsters. I think you dealt with it and now we're past it. Alright?" She finishes and looks up to him, measuring. His frown softens and he nods, glancing down at his daughter. 

"I'll do better. For her," he adds and Jyn nods, getting to her feet. 

"Why don't you come outside, have some food? Chirrut has ordered every take out you can dream of and it’ll give me a break from her fussing. Stars, maybe I’ll go have a nap? Do you think they’d notice?" Scott laughs and nods vigorously, his attention turned to Alula. “Right. Well, I’ll sleep when I’m dead. Until then, let’s eat.” 

He follows her out into the yard, Alula held against his chest as he gently burps her. Jyn spares a final glance towards him, the smile wide, before she settles down next to Cassian and takes the pre-prepared plate with all her favourites from his hand. 

“You guys sort it out?” He asks quietly, nudging her knee with his own. 

“Yeah. I mean, if by ‘sort it out’ you’re referring to me deciding not to hold it against him, then yes.” Cassian grins into his food and glances over at her, a quirk on his lips. 

“How mature of you. What do you think about me playing bad cop?” He asks after a beat, his expression honest and seeking. Jyn ponders it for a moment, weighing her options. 

Did she want Cassian to try to influence the relationship between her and Scott? It was already so complicated and this was sure to add a new level to that complication if she let him and that wasn’t really what she wanted - or needed - right now. No. She needed to be able to call these shots on her own, at least for now. Maybe if something dire came up he could step in. But this? This she could handle. 

“I’d prefer you didn’t. Not on this at least. It was an honest mistake and we talked about it so I think it’s done for now. And Cassian?” She hesitates, meeting his gaze as he looks at her. “Can you keep checking before you talk to him about this stuff? Sometimes I might need you to talk to him but sometimes I think it would only cause more issues and I think you need to let me need to be the judge of that. Let me try to navigate that first, alright? It’s not that I don’t trust you to say the right things and everything but - “ 

“Jyn, I hear you. Alula is your daughter and Scott’s. I’m not going to get in the way or try to make it harder, okay? I’ll keep checking,” he adds softly and Jyn smiles, leaning her head against his shoulder. 

“Thank you,” she murmurs. Cassian throws his arm around her shoulders and presses a kiss to the crown of her head, Jyn’s grin growing with the contact as she turns over another thought. “Oh, and Cassian?” 

“¿ _ Si _ ,  _ querida _ ?” He counters, rubbing his palm along her arm and pushing the food on his plate around. 

“I think if you play your cards right, Alula will consider you just as much a father as Scott. I know I already do,” she adds lowly, pausing as his body tenses beside her. “If you want, that is. If not - I - I get it.” 

When after a minute he still doesn’t say anything apart from his arm tightening around her, Jyn pulls back and looks up at his face, nerves sparking in her gut until she sees his expression. His eyes are closed and his jaw is clenched, his breathing barely moving through his body as tears pool along his dark lashes. 

“Did I say something wrong?” She questions, reaching up to run her fingers across his cheek. He nuzzles into her palm, lifting his hand to cover hers. 

“Absolutely not,” he murmurs, kissing her lifeline and opening his eyes to look at her, the tears still heavy but not falling. Jyn’s heart thumps as he leans closer, his hand lifting to her cheek until they’re mirroring one another. “I don’t think you understand how much I’d like that. I love you both so much - I’m still surprised by how quickly I’ve fallen for her. So if she does, I need you to know that there is probably nothing in this world that could top that. Except you, but even then it’s close.” 

“Okay then,” Jyn responds, holding back tears of her own as Cassian nods and presses his lips to hers. The kiss is warming, a flush running through her body as he pulls back and rests his forehead against hers. 

“How many more weeks?” He whispers hoarsely, his thumb brushing along her skin. 

“A few, but the doctor said we could do other stuff if we wanted,” she answers and Cassian lets a strangled sound escape his throat. 

“Jyn - can you help me out here?” Scott calls, breaking the moment and causing Jyn to pull back and look away towards where Scott is holding Alula out from his chest. “She needs a change of diaper.” 

“Diaper bag is on the counter in the kitchen,” Jyn calls back hopefully, tucking her smile away as she glances back at Cassian. 

“Really?” He calls back and Jyn can’t swallow her laugh. 

“Really. Do you know how many diapers I’ve changed this month? You can handle it,” Jyn adds. Scott huffs and relents, heading into the house with Alula. 

Jyn grins sharply back at Cassian and ducks in for another kiss, this time not giving in to the interruptions from the crowd around them. She didn’t care. Her daughter was safe and she had Cassian in her arms. She didn’t need anything else to feel like she was finally somewhere she belonged. To feel like she was finally home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My lovely readers. I have one last chapter to finish just in time for December. I hope you're all doing well, things are still a bit chaotic for me so please know your words have really seen me through <3


	25. Chapter 25

“Jyn.” 

The whisper ghosts across her skin, gooseflesh rising along her shoulder as a rough palm cups her chin. Around her, the room is dark but for the hall light that cuts across her carpet. She twists in her sheets and burrows in deeper to her pillow, seeking the sleep that flutters just at the edge of her mind. 

“ _ Mi amor _ .” 

The voice is sweet, like honey, and she reaches for the man it belongs to, her arm patting around the mattress aimlessly. It’s the cold of the sheets that greets her, her brow furrowing as the world slowly comes back into focus. 

“Cassian?” She murmurs, confused as her eyes flicker open. 

“ _ Aquí, _ ” he answers and she feels the bed dip with his weight. His palm lingers on her cheek and she blearily looks up at him, unmoving for fear of waking Lu. 

“Why are you waking me up? I thought we agreed not to wake each other if it was late,” she grumbles, though they had never once made that agreement. Still though, she’d been dead asleep and sleep now was so rare that she was almost miffed by the wake up call. 

“I’ve got a surprise. I’ve already packed and everything is ready, I just need you to get up, put a jacket and your shoes on and we’ll go.” His voice wanders in and out of the room, his footsteps nearly silent as she groans and curls in deeper to her pillow. She wasn’t getting out of this bed and she definitely wasn’t going to disturb Lu and start her morning in the middle of the night. 

“ _ Sin sopresas, pendejo _ ,” she growls and Cassian laughs, a quiet rumbling chuckle that moves around the room. 

“ _ Te prometo que vale la pena _ .” 

“I don’t understand you. I’m going back to sleep,” she urges and to prove it, she rolls over. He sighs and then flicks on the bedroom light, watching as she groans and pulls the blanket over her head. 

“I gave you the option of getting up and living a blissful life in the dark but you didn’t take it. Now, come on. Time to get up,” he urges and reaches for her hands. It’s then she notices that Lu isn’t tucked into his side of the bed, her small cocoon of blankets empty as she slowly processes the sight before her. “She’s already asleep in her car seat. Come on. Up we get. Here’s your jacket - “ her spring coat hits her chest “ - and your shoes are at the edge of the bed.” 

“Cassian, what are you on about? Shouldn’t you still be at work?” She hisses, tiredly pulling on her layer and slipping her feet into her shoes. Moving to stand slowly, she follows him out to the entryway where he’s set aside a backpack and Lu’s diaper bag next to her car seat. A blanket is pulled over the top and Jyn wonders how he managed to get her daughter into the seat without waking them both, a mystical feat that only Cassian would be able to do as the live-in baby whisperer. 

“No, it’s late. Shift is done. But now I’ve got 2.5 days with my girls and I’m not going to waste them,” he adds with a deft smile as he pulls on the backpack and grabs the diaper bag and Lu’s car seat. 

They’re halfway out of the building before Jyn understands what’s happening, her voice hushed as they move through the parking lot to their second-hand beater car that Chirrut had scooped up from a lot off the highway, sight unseen. 

“Where are you taking us?” Jyn asks as he sets down the bag and opens her door to urge her inside. Next, he snaps Lu into the backseat and climbs into the driver’s seat, clicking his seatbelt over his chest and pointedly ignoring her question. Instead, he simply turns down the dashboard lights and tells her to go back to sleep, his hand fiddling with the heat to turn the inside of the car to a balmy warmth that lulls her back into unconsciousness. 

When she wakes again, they’re bouncing their way down a dirt road through a forest, the pre-dawn light slowly starting to hint through the thin spring trees. 

“You’re not going to kill us and seize the 2.5 days to disappear before we’re noticed, are you?” Jyn jokes as she looks across the seat to where he’s busy navigating down the road. 

“Ha, not super funny but I’ll give you points for creativity. And no. I’m not planning to murder you. Though I might murder the guy who - oh! There it is!” He exclaims lowly as Jyn tries not to crack her face from the smile at seeing him light up at something up ahead. When she turns to look, it’s to find a small cabin at the end of the road, a dim porch light casting a haze over the frosted ground. 

“A cabin? You’re sure on the murder part?” She continues, sitting up to look around her. 

“I’m sure. Remember last year when we couldn’t get away for our Easter adventure? Well, this was what I planned for that weekend. I didn’t want to lose my deposit so I rescheduled it and - “ 

“You’ve had this planned for a year? Wasn’t that the weekend we fought and I treated you like trash?” 

“You didn’t, but yeah, that weekend. Even though we fought I figured if we didn’t make up, well, I’d probably be hermiting my life away without you anyways and a cabin in the woods made perfect sense. So I kept it. But you’re still here so coming up alone wasn’t an option - “ 

“Really selling it now - “ 

“You know what I mean!” He laughs and Jyn nods, reaching for his hand and tugging it towards her. She squeezes it tight and watches his face as he pulls into the parking spot, shifting the car into park. “We’re here.”

“And before dawn. What a way to seize the day!” She says, all false bravado as her still tired body mocks excitement. 

“Oh no, that’s part of it. We’re gonna get Lu settled and then we’re going to watch the sun rise and I’m going to make sure you enjoy every minute of it - “ he falters as she reaches over and pulls him into a kiss, her hand twisted in his shirt collar, holding him close. 

“I like your plan. But we don’t have - “

“I packed the car yesterday. I’m going to set up the sleeper if you get her? I’ll deal with the food later.” Jyn smiles at his planning and nods, climbing out of the car. 

They set about their tasks, settling Lu into the living room as Cassian brings in supplies from the car. Jyn ensures the baby monitor is plugged in and working before Cassian steps up behind her and wraps his arms around her waist, pulling her close into his warm embrace. 

“Shall we?” He murmurs into her ear, his voice tired. Jyn lets him lead her out onto the back porch, down onto the beach where he’s managed to spread out a few blankets already. 

“You’re really thinking of everything, aren’t you?” She whispers as he tugs her down onto the sand, a heavy wool blanket coming over her shoulders to envelop her in warmth. 

“I’ve had a year to think about what this would be like,” he murmurs in return, accepting her invitation of the lifted corner of the blanket. In another moment he’s tucked up alongside her, her shoulder leaning into his chest as her loose hair tickles his chin. 

“I still can’t believe you held onto this place for a year,” she adds with a laugh as he squeezes her hip. 

“It’s fine, laugh all you want. But out here there’s nothing to interrupt us. No work. No neighbours. No Kay just randomly showing up in our apartment - “ 

“He does that on  _ your _ invitation, I’ll have you know,” Jyn scolds playfully as Cassian shrugs. 

“And you enjoy when he changes the diapers for you. It’s to both our advantages except - “

“When he walks in on the one time Lu is at Scott’s and you’re finally able to fuck me on the counter?” Cassian snorts and nuzzles her neck, his lips grazing the skin below her ear. 

“Exactly,” he affirms softly to Jyn’s resulting sigh, her body easing back against him. “Plus, I’ve been told the sunrises here are otherworldly. And you deserve to see a good sunrise every once in a while.”

“But not too often?” 

“Fine, one you’ve chosen to see, not one you see because Lu has worse sleeping patterns than you do,” he sighs and Jyn smiles, linking their fingers together and drawing them into her lap. His other hand settles on her hip, the fingers slipping under the edge of her shirt and burning against her skin in only the way that his innocent touches could. 

“Thank you. For dragging me out of bed. For always - “ 

“Shh, just watch,” he urges and kisses her forehead, his thumb grazing her hip bone distractingly. She sighs and twists to look up at him, her eyes finding his in the slowly brightening light. 

“You’re the only thing I want to see everyday for the rest of my life,” she states lowly, her expression serious. Cassian’s smile solidifies and he reaches a hand up to her jaw, cradling her chin. “Cassian - “ 

“Are you - “ 

“Shh, just watch,” she echoes cockily, pulling slightly away and reaching up to her chest. Her fingers duck into her shirt and she pulls loose the chain, the metal easily passing over her head as she palms the tokens that hang from it. The cold makes her dexterity difficult but she manages to unhook the clasp, sliding free the small gold band that has been held close to her heart for over a year. 

Jyn runs a thumb over the band before glancing up at Cassian, her gaze measuring as his expression stays frozen. His breath shallows and his eyes flicker from her hands to her face and then back again before she lifts the band and hovers it over her ring finger. Pausing, she looks at him and stills, waiting for him. 

In all the years they’d known each other, Jyn had never quite figured out how to communicate properly without words. She’d spent years perfecting a stony silence - not for lack of something to say - but for fear of what would happen if she spoke. When Cassian had arrived in her life, he’d been so blunt, so clear in his sentences that she’d known then she needed to use her words. He couldn’t read her the way both of them assumed they could read each other and she had kept that at arms length because of it until it had imploded a year ago, the broken communication between them causing a rift she still regretted to this day. 

But they’d come back from it. They’d built trust together. They’d built their relationship together. And since that day she’d learned how to use her words better and, more importantly, how to  _ not _ . She’d learned how to read him and he’d learned how to read her, the communication between them having only grown as they learned to live together, to raise Lu together. She might regret that fight - and she probably would until she died - but she’d never regret the repair that had come from it. Stronger and more open. 

Now they didn’t need words or proposals. They didn’t need bent knees or fancy dinners to hide rings in champagne glasses. All they needed was a beach, a sunrise, and an old gold band that bound them together. 

Cassian takes her hand and slides the band down her finger, his expression quietly hopeful.

“You’re sure?” He whispers as she wraps around him, arms around his shoulders and her forehead ducked against his neck. 

“Your mother would have been proud of the man you’ve become,” she answers instead and Cassian tightens his arms around her, lips pressing to her temple, her cheek, before he leans in and captures her lips with his own. 

They dissolve into each other then, clinging hands and stolen breaths that puff clouds into the chilly dawn air. When they press themselves together, skin to skin, it’s with blankets tangled around them and limbs holding close. Fingers grip and dig into muscles as slowly Jyn sinks down on his length, her breath catching in her throat at the feel of him burning up into her. 

“I love you,” Jyn whispers against his forehead, an arm wrapped around his back and her hips rolling into his lap. He lifts his hands from her waist and brackets her face, drawing her down so he can steal her breath. 

“I love you too,” he murmurs against her mouth, his eyes burning into hers as their foreheads press together. They rock and they push and eventually Cassian starts to falter, his breathing shallow and his heart beat racing under his skin. “Jyn,” he warns, gripping her hips and trying to pull himself away. She only shakes her head and curls tighter around him, clenching her muscles until he’s crying out against her shoulder and she’s desperately rubbing at her clit to carry herself over the edge with him. She goes head first, squeezing against his length and gasping for breath as her body tenses again and again. 

They lay together in the morning sun, chests held close as the steam from the lake starts to rise with the changing temperature. Jyn doesn’t want to pull away, instead content to remain as close together as she can possibly be, hidden in the warmth of his body. 

“Jyn,” Cassian says after a long while, his fingers slowing their descent along her spine. “Did we just - “ 

“Have sex for the first time without a condom since Lu was born? Yeah. But I’ve got -” 

“No,” he laughs, the rumble of it in his chest making her curl in closer to his warmth. “I mean, I wasn’t worried about the sex part. But did we just get engaged?” She twists to look up at him, hesitation in her brow.

“Did you not want that?” Her voice catches as she watches him blink, the shadow crossing over his face before he shakes his head and the smile grows across his lips. 

“No - I - yes, I want that. I want you. I just…” He pauses and reaches for her, his fingers cupping her jaw. “I can’t believe that we’re engaged. Can you?” 

“I’m still half-asleep after the early morning wake up, but yeah, I guess it’s just crazy enough to believe. But it was inevitable, don’t you think?” His smile doubles and he drags her close, his lips pressing against hers. When he pulls back, Jyn runs her fingers through his hair to brush it back from his face, her eyes searching. “Are you happy, Cassian?” 

“I don’t think I’ve ever been happier. Are you?” She nods quickly and the joy blooms between them, distracting and heady and vibrant. Later, when they part again, Jyn twists the ring around her finger and rests her head against his chest. 

“Thank you, for giving this to me. Back then and now,” she adds softly. 

“I’m glad you kept it,” he murmurs. “Speaking of the ring, do you want me to get you a nicer one? One you’ve picked out maybe?” 

“Why would I want something that means another expense?” She answers softly to Cassian’s responding shrug. “No. I don’t want another nicer ring. I want this one because it means something to us. And in reality, I just want you, okay? I wouldn’t get out of bed to watch a sunrise for anyone else.”

“I love you so fucking much,” he chokes on a laugh, drawing her into his chest once more. She dives into his embrace and deepens their kiss, sighing against him as the contentedness of the moment washes over her. 

The crackle of the baby monitor and the subsequent cry eventually make Jyn groan, her forehead resting against his chest as she waits one minute, then two, before realizing that Lu was really, truly awake and not just restless. 

“Duty calls,” Jyn grumbles and reaches for her discarded shirt. 

“I’ll go get her, you stay here,” he responds and pulls his pants back on, the waistband being buckled as he gets to his feet and moves across the grass back to the building. Jyn finishes dressing and pulls the blankets around her, her gaze trained on the forest across the lake as she revels in the quiet of the area. Cassian hadn’t been joking - there was nothing here to interrupt them and for that she was endlessly thankful for this postponed adventure. “Here’s Mama, see?” Cassian’s voice soothes and Jyn glances back to see him pointing towards her, his lips curled up in a smile as their eyes meet. 

He passes her daughter down to her and Jyn takes Lu in her arms, lifting her shirt and tucking the girl up to her breast for her morning feed. While her daughter latches on, Cassian pulls the blanket from her shoulders and slides down behind her, his thighs bracketing her hips as she leans back into his chest. Somehow, in all these months together, it hadn’t been the rocking chair or the couch that had lulled Lu to quietly nurse. It was only when Jyn had the opportunity to relax back against Cassian’s chest, his warmth surrounding them as their chests rose and fell together, that her daughter didn’t fret or fuss. 

Jyn wouldn’t say it out loud because she was sure it would jynx it, but those moments with the three of them so closely connected, were the one time she knew, without a doubt, that she was truly home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not saying the last 2 chapters of this story are complete fluff but I'm also not willing to admit that it is unnecessary fluff. It is 100% necessary. I've worked an extra 50 hours in November AND I wrote the last two chapters (around 6-7k words). So the fluff was the air I needed to breathe. Please don't @me about it being unnecessary.


	26. Chapter 26

“Lu, go help your father with the dishes please,” Jyn calls, heading past the living room with it’s towering tree decked to the nines with lights and decorations and instead towards the guest room at the end of the hall that offered a small sense of quiet in the chaos of this holiday weekend. 

“But Papa - “ 

“You know who I mean, Stardust,” Jyn replies evenly, shooting her daughter a look that meant business. Lu sighs, her whole five-year-old body moving with the effort as she turns on her heel and heads towards the kitchen to help Scott with loading the dishwasher. 

“She was trying to get out of helping by offering to play hide and seek,” Cassian says as Jyn steps into the room, her body tired and a headache prickling at the base of her skull. He continues his mission of digging through their suitcase and Jyn can’t help but wonder if he’d really lost what he was looking for or if he was just hiding out himself from the family in the living room that oscillated between subtle insults to tight laughter and a hint of alcoholism. 

“I know. But just because she’s a guest doesn’t mean she gets to avoid doing her chores - “ 

“Hey - you don’t have to tell me,” he adds softly, turning around to face her. His expression softens as he abandons his search and opens his arms to her. She moves into his embrace easily, resting her forehead against his chest and sighing as his arms come to wrap around her. “You doing okay?” 

“Just tired. I didn’t expect this Christmas to be so busy,” she grumbles, burrowing into his embrace. 

“You mean you didn’t expect Scott to actually invite his family at the same time as his new girlfriend and the mother of his child and her partner all at once? Oh  _ querida _ , how foolish you are to not have learned yet that he is chaos incarnate.” 

Jyn scoffs and looks up at him, her fingers lifting to brush his hair off his brow. “I learned. I just had hope that they would be less shitty to us by now. But apparently this family holds grudges like little things to nourish and grow - “ 

“They treat them better than their own kids - “

“And they want to tell  _ me _ what school Lu should go to. A private school!  _ Dios mio _ , I can’t afford a private school - “ 

“She’ll do just fine in the school down the street, Jyn. That’s why we picked the place we did, remember?” 

“You’re right,” she sighs and pulls back, rubbing her hands over her face. “Why do I let them get under my skin every time? I should be better at dealing with them by now.” 

“Nah, I think they’re specifically designed to get under your skin. Always have been. But it’s only for another day - Christmas morning and then we head back home. You can get through that without punching anyone, right?” He adds on a laugh, turning back to the suitcase. 

“I’ll try. What are you even looking for in that thing? You’ve been back here for ages. I had to listen to Catrina go through her shoe collection in detail while Matilda proceeded to complain about her nanny. I swear I was ready to pull my brain out of my skull through my nose if I didn’t get out of there,” she adds as she drops down on the edge of the bed, the suitcase bouncing and Cassian’s gaze flickering to hers. 

“Oh - um. That sounds miserable, I’m sorry,” he adds, half listening. Jyn rolls her eyes and flops onto her back, turning her attention to the ceiling. “I thought I saw something when we were leaving - I wanted to. Nevermind.” 

Jyn nearly freezes, her mind flickering to the gift she’d packed in her bag the day before. It had been hidden in her toiletries bag - he hadn’t seen it, had he? 

He couldn’t have. She was sure of it. 

“Why don’t you just come lay down with me? I give it twenty minutes before Lu comes to try to hide again and we can definitely get in a power nap in that time,” Jyn offers, stuffing her panic down and lifting her hand lazily towards him. Cassian sighs and closes the bag, moving it to the floor and climbing up on the bed beside her. They shift to get more comfortable, Jyn’s head resting on his chest and her leg tucked between his. “You know, I never thanked you for coming to this again this year. I know they were really difficult last year with us getting married and moving and everything. You didn’t have to come but I appreciate - “ 

“Of course I had to come. I love you and Lu - you’re who I want to spend Christmas with. Everyone else is just background noise.” 

“I know. I just - I’m sorry they’re so difficult,” she adds softly and Cassian sighs, tightening his embrace. 

“It’s fine. It’s 48 hours and then we don’t have to see his family for another 364 days. And besides, we’ve done the hard part with dinner, right? Just gifts left and watching Lu rip through those presents is always entertaining,” he chuckles and Jyn enjoys the feel of it riddling through her, the memory of last year’s mess of paper and tissues flying through the air causing a warmth to flood her. 

“You’re right. It’s always fun to watch when Russell and Teresa give her something completely inappropriate for a kid her age. It really makes you realize just how Scott grew up to be the guy he is - “ 

“He’s really made a remarkable achievement, if you think about it,” Cassian interjects and Jyn nods, holding tight. 

Scott really had come around these last few years. He’d grown up, taken ownership of his role in Lu’s life long before Lu could even realize who he was. Since she was born, he’d evolved into a better father than Jyn had expected him to be - he’d opened his life to his daughter and though the relationship between all of them hadn’t been perfect, it was far better than Jyn had imagined it could be. Her daughter knew who her father was, she knew to expect weekends with him once a month, annual summer vacations and Christmas all together with Jyn and Cassian and Scott. Scott didn’t expect more time and Jyn knew they’d somehow found a balance, the perfect amount of time split between the two families that ensured her daughter was loved and cared for above all. 

And though she sometimes worried about that careful balance toppling over - particularly when Scott seemed to settle down with a new girlfriend like he was with Catrina - she knew that whatever needed to change they would come to the resolution together. Jyn and Scott and Cassian. Because it was the three of them who were raising this child, regardless of whether it was typical or expected. They’d figured it out and it was working and Lu was loved. Lu had a home - she had  _ two _ homes - and Jyn couldn’t think of anything better that she could give her child than a place to be loved and to belong. 

“Mama?” Lu’s voice edges through the crack in the opening door and Jyn shifts, waking from her short nap to open her eyes in the darkened room. “Dad wants you and Papa to come down to play some games. He said Uncle Bodhi sent some new drink he wants you to try and that - “ 

“Yes, love, we’ll be down shortly,” Jyn replies on a yawn. 

“Okay,” Lu answers and the sound of her small feet moving down the hall makes Jyn sigh contentedly. 

“A new drink eh?” Cassian murmurs, his arm around her tightening as he rolls and slots himself in between her legs, his lips finding her neck. 

“We don’t have time for your shenanigans,” Jyn moans softly as her fingers tangle in his hair and her legs lift to wrap around him. 

“But I was having such a nice dream. We were watching  _ It’s A Wonderful Life _ and everyone was there and Chirrut ordered the tofurkey again and we had all the drinks we wanted - “ 

“Maybe next year we can do that again.” He hums his approval and Jyn tries not to let the spark of want in her flare into a fire she can’t contain. Instead she lifts his chin up until she can meet his lips, her whole being relaxing into his kiss. “We should go before they send Teresa up to get us.”

They make it down to the games. Eventually. 

* * *

The first Christmas morning comes with a tap on Cassian’s toes, his head lifting from the pillow as Jyn grumbles and twists deeper into the sheets. 

“Papa?” Lu whispers across the space, the small crack of light falling across her dark hair. 

“ _ ¿Qué, mi hija? _ ” He answers, shifting up until Lu moves around the side of the bed and looks up at him with those wide dark eyes. 

“It’s  _ Christmas _ ,” she starts, pausing and holding tight to her stuffed robot. “Are you and Mama ready to get up?” 

Cassian sighs and reaches to help her crawl up onto the bed, her tiny frame settling down onto the comforter between him and Jyn. He urges her to lay back onto his pillow as Jyn’s arm comes up and wraps around her torso to draw her close. Cassian smiles and pulls the blankets back over them, tucking them all once more into the warmth of the bed. 

“It’s still dark out. We’ll rise when the sun does, alright? For now, just try to get a few more winks of sleep,” he murmurs, brushing the hair back from her brow as she sighs comically heavy for a child before forcing her eyes closed. 

“Tell me a story?” Lu asks after a few minutes of patient silence. Cassian presses a kiss to her cheek and then throws his arm around both Lu and Jyn, drawing them closer together as he begins in on a familiar tale of a girl meeting a boy and saving the universe. 

They’re lucky if the attempt at getting more sleep lasts another hour, Lu’s restless body practically vibrating by the time the sun starts to peek through the curtains of the bedroom window. Throughout it all, Jyn revels in the quiet moment with the three of them together. She wasn’t sure how many more Christmas mornings she would get like this and the thought stirred a pot of hormones she wasn’t ready to open just yet. 

When the sun is fully up - noted by Cassian’s determined declaration - Christmas morning officially arrives in a chaotic mess of excitement and mimosas and too many presents that fill the living room like an explosion of colour and boxes. Jyn and Cassian sit on the edge as Lu works through her pile of gifts, thanking everyone with wide smiles as she tears through the wrapping paper and tosses things into her tower of goods. 

Around the room, Scott’s parents and Charlie and Matilda keep watch and remain stoic as they open their own gifts, small bits of thanks thrown out as they accept watches and earrings and things too fancy for Jyn’s taste. Catrina does her best to keep up, playing Santa’s helper alongside Scott who distributes the gifts around the room. 

Jyn tries not to focus on the one gift under the tree she was nervous to give, her attention focused on her daughter who receives from Matilda what seems to be the equivalent of a Barbie dream luxury pack. She tries not to laugh as Lu shrugs and sets the items aside, picking up the dinosaur mask that Scott had given her and wearing it to open the rest of her gifts. Her kid was definitely not a Barbie Dream House girl. 

“Cassian, this one is for you from Jyn,” Scott breaks into her thoughts as he hands Cassian a small box. Jyn freezes in place, her heart hammering in her chest as she watches Cassian pull at the bits of paper. She hadn’t wrapped it well and she should have. She should have put more effort into this but she’d only done it last night when she had a minute and - 

Cassian’s gaze snaps to hers as he looks up from the opened box, his brows raised and his mouth slightly ajar. 

“What is it Papa?” Lu asks, looking up from her place on the floor. Cassian’s attention doesn’t waiver and Jyn tries to swallow, her whole body tight with nerves. Lu gets to her feet and pulls herself up to Cassian’s thigh, lifting herself to see what’s in the box.

“Is this real?” Cassian whispers, just barely audible for Jyn to hear. She nods and tightens her fists, trying to read his expression as she forces herself not the panic. Not yet, at least. 

“What’d you get him?” Scott asks, shifting through the discarded paper to join them as he reaches for the box. Cassian grips it harder and attempts to close the box but is too slow, the gift tumbling from his hand and spilling open on the floor. 

The white stick inside of it skitters across the hardwood and Jyn’s cheeks flare, her whole body starting to sweat as everyone’s eyes land on Lu picking up the pregnancy test from the floor. 

“Yes,” Jyn answers Cassian, blood roaring in her ears. “Yes, it’s real.”

She doesn’t get a moment to breathe as Cassian lurches for her, his arms wrapping around her and holding tight enough that she can barely catch her breath. Happy tears dampen his shirt and soon Lu is joining in the hug and Scott is laughing, words of congratulations filling the space around them. 

“When? Are you sure?” Cassian asks when he eventually pulls back, grabbing Lu and drawing her into his arms as the girl tries to understand what’s going on. One hand softens Lu’s hair while the other spreads across Jyn’s jaw, gentle and steadying. 

“I’m sure. I had an appointment earlier this week and wanted to be sure before I told you and the timing it just - it seemed like the right time? And - “ 

“Jyn, you’re not joking, right?” Scott cuts in, his hand on her shoulder, squeezing it tightly. 

“Of course I’m not. And yes, for sure it’s Cassian’s kid. Just in case that was confusing to anyone like it was before,” Jyn adds and nobody in the room laughs except for Scott and Cassian, the only audience she actually cared about anyways. 

“What is happening? Why are you crying Mama?” Lu asks and Jyn realizes then that she’s got tears on her cheeks that match Cassian’s, the happy feeling of it all bursting through her. 

“Because you’re going to be a big sister, Stardust,” Jyn whispers to Lu’s enthusiastic jump. The girl bounds out of Cassian’s arms and spins around the room, telling everyone the news in her excitement. 

Cassian doesn’t turn his gaze away, his eyes locked on Jyn’s as he tries to pull himself together. One breath, then two, and he’s grabbing for her again and pulling her into his arms and whispering things in Spanish she’s yet to learn but knows she’ll ask him about later when it’s just the two of them. 

“This is the best gift,” he adds softly, his lips finding hers in a steadying kiss. When they break apart again it’s to rest her forehead against his, his hands cupping her cheeks. 

“You’re gonna be a Papa, again,” she murmurs as the room around them disappears and only they are left in their tiny bubble. 

“ _ Te amo _ ,” he whispers, his lips pressed once more against hers. 

“Me too,” she replies and pulls him in closer, holding tight to the giddy happiness that spreads through her at the realization that this was good. This was great. This was everything she’d ever let herself hope for, even if that hope had only come in bits. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's over! I can't believe it. This was a 500 word idea that just... blew up into this crazy long story. I'm so glad you guys have come along on this journey with me, it has meant so much to hear your thoughts and get your reactions from the story throughout these last months. It's really made this whole pandemic thing almost bearable and I feel it's only fitting that I close it out on the day my country has announced the vaccine is cleared for distribution. I hope you all stay safe, stay healthy, and that the new year brings better things for you <3


End file.
